Lemon Party
Friday, November 11, 2005
What's going on here anyway?
And somehow it comes to this Odovaucer. I didn't think that you could stoop this low, even after all this. Somehow I don't think ::Ripping my hair out angry:: is a good enough description of what I'm feeling right now. It's as if you've lost all cognitive ability. I mean I thought on Lemon Party we used colons for what God intended them for, not some ridiculous mockery of English. Guess I was wrong, huh?
Well guess again! Odovaucer, check this out: Woahz!. Did you just see that? I told you to check something out and then I used a colon to show you what you should be checking out. Does that not blow your mind? Proper usage! HOLY FUCKING SHIT GOD DAMN GOD DAMN! In fact, I think that there's a commandment on the subject, so I thought I'd share it with you. It's number twelve: Thou Shalt Not Post Action Statements Inside Thy Blog.
And another thing, just why is it that you named your blog Lemon Party, way back in the day? It's not like it has anything to do with lemons. And it certainly has been no party. Frankly, it just doesn't seem to match up with the blog. Say, that means you're violating the eighth commadment, doesn't it? Thy Title Shalt Match Thy Blog. Yep, looks like Odovaucer broke yet another commandment. Way to go.
This entire tirade has been rather depressing, so, in light of these past events, I'll leave you with some Doors lyrics that I think pretty much sum up what I'm experiencing right now.
This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes...again
Jim Morrison was a genius, I love the way his words just utterly express the ultimate futility of our existence.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Well It's About Time
I thought it was over. I was in by my computer, patiently waiting for turtle_07 to respond to my last update. I realized that it wasn't perfect, and I knew turtle_07 would eventually call me out on its failings. ::blushes:: I mean obviously you need to punctuate and capitalize, but I was in a little bit of a rush, I suppose. ::is reflective:: I guess I should seen the others coming too, huh?
Still, it had been an hour and a half and I was starting to get worried. It had been well over an hour, and still nothing. Frankly I was getting hungry. ::stomach rumbles at the memory:: A man's got a right to eat,doesn't he? ::gets a snack:: So I figured it was over, and went off in search of sustenance. ::eats snack:: I getg back eventually, and low and behold, he's finally done it again.
The time has come to deal with turtle's latest posting abortion. ::cringes at mental image:: Once again he's violated a bevy of commandments. First up is the somewha is the infrequently cited thirty-second commandment, Thou Shalt Have No Other Blogs Before Ours. This is the most important blog on the Interwebnation Superhighway, and he should know that. I'm sure his Livejournal is very important in his life, but nothing comes before the Party. Nothing. ::shakes head authoritatively::
Within his silly little Livejournal update he managed to break two more commandments: number thirteen, Thou Shalt not Post Quizzes Representing Thyself, and number thirty-eight, Thou Shalt Not Represent Thyself With a Moronic "Userpic". ::gets mad:: Wow, this stuff is really upsetting me. ::Jumps up and down:: Come on turtle_07, obviously that picture certainly does not grant an great insight into you as a person, and when you claim otherwise you come off as pompous and naive. As to the quizzes, well...::laughs:: do you really think that anyone cares which type of movie some kid's quiz says you are? Even if those things were scientifically formulated to give accurate results (which they aren't) it still wouldn't mean anything. I mean, what possible use could knowing what sort of movie you are have? ::is completely befuddled:: Whatever dude, enjoy crazy land.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
WHY DOESN'T ODOVAUCER STOP?
Yeah, so it took me a while to get this one out. It's not my fault though! I was busy updating my livejournal, and then I discovered what Odovaucer had done. Seriously dude is proper punctuation (Commandment Thirty-One) and capitalization (Commandment Five) too much to ask?
Actually, I don't really want this to be that short, so here are some quizzes I just took. They're pretty cool.
Oh and check this little guy out:
Is that not totally me? It's so my new userpic. I think everyone who reads my lj from now on will be able to get inside my head much easily thanks to that little guy. Anyways like I said not much time to do this, hope you all enjoy the quizzes... I did.
 | You scored as The Amazing Spider-Man. After being bitten by a radioactive spider, Peter Parker was transformed from a nerdy high school student into New York's greatest hero. Peter enjoys the thrill of being a super hero, but he struggles with the burdens of leading a double life. He hopes someday to win the heart of his true love Mary Jane, the woman he's loved since before he even liked girls. Right now, he just wants to make it through college and pay his bills.
Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0 created with QuizFarm.com |
 | You scored as Denile. you are in denile, you know your breaking but dont want to admit it, you may have incredible hatred for yourself,and you know it and a part of you doesnt want 2 admit it.
how much do you hate you??? created with QuizFarm.com |
 | You scored as Romantic Comedy. Congratulations, you�re a romantic comedy. You and bubblegum have a whole lot in common. You�re fun, easily amused and quite possibly a bit of a hopeless romantic. You also think that Hugh Grant is the greatest actor ever. In your opinion everything will always turn out great and the only question in your mind is just how great it will be. Also, and this is by no means a value judgment on my part and I could be wrong, although I hope I�m not, you�re probably a 14 year old girl.
What type of movie are you? created with QuizFarm.com |
Oh, and it seems Odovaucer undid my template changes again. Here's a taste of what the site used to look like. You'll want to run the Picard Song in the background to get the full effect, well that and imagine that Jesuses (Jesi?) are moving to the grooving.
He rolled back all but one of my changes. Seems he kind of likes not having a half page of empty space at the beginning of each update. Who'da thunk it?
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
oh mine eyes mine eyes
so once there was a man named turtle_07 who hated freedom. why he hated freedom i dont know but he certainly hated it. he hated america too. neither of these things are really relevant to the discussion at hand. what is relevant to the discussion is the fact that turtle is once again violating commandments left and right
first weve got the twenty second commandment thou shalt not add useless javascript frills i think that thats pretty much self explanatory. you dont distract the reader from your content with pointless add ons like the picard song and a dancing jesus background. keep it simple stupid.
this is so important that turtle wrote a second update about it in much harsher terms. the twenty fifth commandment thou shalt not stuff thy pasty face full of useless javascript code because it looks 'kewl'
you just. dont. do it. it really shouldnt be that complicated. why would you write two commandments on the same subject and then break them both. its just pathetic. oh wait he didnt write two commandments on the subject. he wrote three.
thou shalt not add music to thine blog
thats commandment twenty seven. again authored by turtle again broken by turtle. and this used to be a respected poster. ill be fixing the template shortly. this certainly will not stand.
remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
You Try English for Fun and Profit
The stress is definitely getting to Odovaucer. I don't think anyone can deny that at this point. So apparently he posted the last update in French. Why, I have no idea. I took time out of my very busy schedule to translate it for you. I shouldn't have.
Hello again, my favorite audience. Unfortunately, turtle_07 east still cause the very bad things. Fortunately I will be obliged to correct here its misunderstandings. For an unknown reason it seems that turtle_07 swellings that that posting chatlogs in the Lemon Party is acceptable. This is not. The fifteenth order is very clear on this question: You Will not Post the Chatlogs. The usage of chatlogs is simply lazy, and chatlogs are not interests for the audience.
I am, nevertheless, entertained this turtle_07 have not anyone that it can speak with of me that cares for to listen it. That is because the hearts of the people are with me. Go now, turtle_07!
And recall the leader to light, for fear that we forget the glory that is lemon Party. Because your blog is horrendous.
Look at that. It's semi-literate. He should have stuck to English. As if he needed more resaon to, there's also the twenty-fourth commandment, Thou Shalt not Post Thy Blog in a Foreign Language. Yes, even fractured French counts as a foreign language. Way to go Odovaucer
Well, while he was off learning how to speak French poorly, I rubbed a little funk on the template. One might even say that I injected it with awesome. Enjoy, kids.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Le Chatlogs
Bonjour encore, mon auditoire préféré. Malheureusement, turtle_07 est font encore les très mauvaises choses. Heureusement je serai obligé corriger ici ses malentendus. Pour une raison inconnue il semble que turtle_07 croient que cela postant chatlogs dans le Parti de Citron est acceptable. Ce n'est pas. Le quinzième commandement est très clair sur cette question: Tu ne Posterez pas les Chatlogs. L'usage de chatlogs est simplement paresseux, et chatlogs ne sont pas intéresse pour l'auditoire.
Je suis, cependant, a amusé cette turtle_07 n'ont personne qui il peut parler à de moi qui soigne l'écouter. Cela est parce que les coeurs des gens sont avec moi. Se rendre maintenant, turtle_07 !
Et rappeler le dirigeant allumer, de peur que nous oublions la gloire qui est Parti de citron. Parce que votre blog est épouvantable.
How many must die?
I wasn't going to respond but, seeing as I wrote pretty much everything I was thinking in my conversation with my friend, I figure I'll just post that.
[15:15] DeathsGrimFacade: You there?
[15:15] Coleslaw8989: Yeah, what's going on?
[15:15] DeathsGrimFacade: not much, reading lemon party
[15:15] Coleslaw8989: good shit... well not lately
[15:15] DeathsGrimFacade: fuck you
[15:16] Coleslaw8989: I say that because I love
[15:16] DeathsGrimFacade: fuck you
[15:16] Coleslaw8989: :(
[15:16] DeathsGrimFacade: kidding dude, you seeing what Odovaucer's doing?
[15:17] Coleslaw8989: no
[15:17] DeathsGrimFacade: he got into this fight with me and now he' s rambling on about his insane ideas
[15:18] Coleslaw8989: no!
[15:18] DeathsGrimFacade: yes
[15:19] DeathsGrimFacade: something about translucotion or something, i don't know
[15:19] Coleslaw8989: NO!
[15:19] DeathsGrimFacade: fuck you
[15:19] Coleslaw8989: geez sorry
[15:20] DeathsGrimFacade: don't worry about it, either way it's fucking creepy... I thIn Odovaucers lost it
[15:20] Coleslaw8989: I know!... well not relaly
[15:20] DeathsGrimFacade: shit man he's become everything we swore to hate
[15:21] Coleslaw8989: you swore to hate things?
[15:21] DeathsGrimFacade: you know what I mean
[15:21] Coleslaw8989: do I?
[15:22] DeathsGrimFacade: jesus fuck you
[15:23] DeathsGrimFacade: he broke two commandments man
[15:24] Coleslaw8989: okay...
[15:24] 26 http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004/02/set-sail-for-fun.html
[15:25] and 29 http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004/02/i-typed-this-title-with-just-my.html
[15:26] Coleslaw8989: I really dont care
[15:27] Coleslaw8989: to be perfectly honest
[15:27] DeathsGrimFacade: I guess I should respond
[15:28] DeathsGrimFacade: doing it now... brb
Oh, and it seems like Odovaucer has undone my improvements in addition to posting his stupid ideas, so here is ascreenshot of happier days.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
The Truth
What in the world are you doing turtle_07? That is quite possibly the silliest piece of Interwebnation Superhighway guerrilla warfare I have ever seen. What possible purpose could making the blog unreadable possibly serve? I mean, obviously it's a blatant violation of the nineteenth commandment, Thou Shalt Make Thy Blog Readable, but to what ends? What purpose does it serve?
It almost seems as if you're trying to break commandments. I've changed the template back because, well, that was just silly. Don't do it again, or there will be repercussions, mark my words.
With that taken care of, let us move on to your criticism of my poetry. Well, I can't say I'm surprised. My poetry is a representation of the ineffable wonder of my plans for the future of the human race, and, as such, it is itself pretty difficult to eff. Read and learn!
The truth has long been held secret from people of the world, but now, only now, can we begin the laborious process of enlightenment. Oh yes, it is time. Look back the poetry. Notice the fluidity of the narration. The source of each line is often different from the one before it, and you can never be quite certain of the speaker. So to is the human mind. Created for a higher purpose, or merely involved into complexity, it is a device whose true meaning has never been experimentally proven by scientists.
Instead it is through philosophy that we can approach the true meaning of that great mystery inside your cranium. Where do your ideas come from? Do they spontaneously develop inside your brain or are they caused by outside stimuli? Are some people more capable of coming up with creative concepts than others? Why is Bill Gates so rich? All these have eluded you for far too long, but worry not, the answers are arriving.
The human brain itself is incapable of original thought. Yet humans are constantly producing new ideas. Why is this? A principle I like to call "transelocution." The details are far beyond the understanding of laymen, but roughly it is a process by which synapses are induced into growing in unnatural patterns by a subsonic vibration that is constantly present in our atmosphere. The frequency radiates many times in a second, but I have not yet been able to pin down its source. These new synapses are completely unrelated to their predecessors; new ideas are formed when your brain tries to relate these strange new formations to your prior mental geography. It goes without saying that this signal is not of human origin. Perhaps the most fascinating aspect of this discovery is that initial tests seem to indicate that the brain chemistries of certain African tribes and their descendants are the most susceptible to transelocution, while Caucasians are perhaps the least receptive. It would seem that vanilla has been left in the cold. Hopefully the poems will be enough to enrich your understanding now.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
It continues!
EDIT: BEHOLD MY WRATH
My god Odovaucer, have you really sunk so low? Your descent into madness was steeper than I ever could have imagined. You've lost any semblance of sanity and delved into a world few day go. The world of poetry. Have you forgotten the ninth commandment? Thou Shalt Not Post Poetry. Seems plenty clear to me. I don't even understand what you're trying to do there. It's madness... complete and total madness.
Instead of writing about a tree that once bit your dog or some shit like that, you need to just stop writing entirely. Get a hold of yourself man, do you even realize what you're doing to the blog? Or even what the blog is doing to you? It's as if you just don't care anymore... that or you're channeling the spirit of a couple of our crazier subjects.
What makes you think you have the right to turn our beloved blog into some sort of ungodly poetry showcase anyway? Thou Shalt Keep Thy Blog a Blog. Twenty-ninth commandment. Learn it, live it, love it.
Regardless, this madness must stop. Stand down Odovaucer ,or I shall the very template of this blog.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Try English, for Fun and Profit!
What was that even supposed to mean? I'm really not sure what's going on in that update. Well, that's not entirely accurate. I can figure that you're calling me out for violating one of our more obscure commandments. Fine, whatever, but I think you should pay a little more attention to commandment number two, thou shalt not write unintelligibly. Christ, that just sickens me. I don't even want to think about it anymore. You can't just make up words, you know! We're going to have to change things up now. I can't take this "baka" crap anymore, we need to do something else, and I know just how to pass the time: poetry!
Blue Vanilla
Blue Vanilla is the only way
Because of the bumps in my brainy brain.
No that is a lie. Why are you lying in my poem?
Is it because I slept with another man?
I am sorry.
He means nothing to me.
The Mountain
I have climbed the mountain,
Surpassed the jelly rolls,
Frosty peaks and green growths,
Scaled the inky genes
In the mouth of the great octopus
That lives within us all.
I have climbed the mountain,
Unzipped the stretched jeans
To reveal the dark crevasse below,
Plunging into the raging sea.
Release
SPLURT.
Dead Ducks for Stew
Dread drucks fror strew
Dtead dtucks ftor sttew
Dfead dfucks ffor stfew
Dqead dqucks fqor stqew
Intelligent Design.
Taste the sweet meat
of the afterlife’s loins.
Tobin Bell
Tobin Bell is my favorite actor.
He is my favorite actor because he is man.
Women make terrible actors.
Qwerty
Qwertyuiopa
What does that mean?
I don’t know
There’s tumor in my brain.
Fappo!
The Ghetto
There are black people in the ghetto.
We shall speak of it no more.
I’m Scared
There’s a man with an axe
I’m not scared though
Because he’s just in my brain,
And there is nothing dangerous in my brain
Because I am retarded.
I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream
…
Once I Built a Railroad
Now I am really poor
It is not good being poor
Because I have no monies
Buddy can you spare a dime?
Actually maybe more because I cannot buy anything with a dime because of inflation.
My First Poem In English
This is my first poem in English
I speak sign language.
Have You Ever Done That
Have you ever done that?
Because that’s really dumb.
Your mom’s dumb.
No, your mom’s dumb.
Oh snap.
Can You Get Your Hand Out Of There
No.
Indra
Hello, I am Indra.
Hello.
Next Poem
This is the next poem.
Or is it?
I PUT THEM IN THE BLENDER
AND I EATS THEM BY THE SPOONFUL
And that is how to be respectful to women.
Sara has a fake ID
No she doesn’t.
That is illegal,
And college students do not break the law.
Why Do You Smell Like That?
Because I have not showered since the Civil War.
And that wasn’t a shower it was my best friend’s blood.
I am very old.
Are We Here or Under a Large Black Man
We are here.
That is a silly question.
And it doesn’t have a question mark.
Fear the large black ass of humanity.
Wait, what?
Get Out From Under That Sheep
It is too big you will get hurt.
Go after the dog, she is more your size,
And she is dead so you will not have to hold her still.
Wise Black People
Are rare.
That is why I prefer foolish black people.
They are medium well.
Tobin Bell
Actually we already had a poem about him.
Let’s move on.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
O.D.O.V.A.U.C.E.R. is a L.O.S.E.R.
Oh ho ho ho ho, it appears that our dear good friend The Odovaucer still has some fight in him. He continues with this petty charade like any baka would. He continues on with his ranting and raving and after each update that he makes I lose more of the respect that I, turtle_07 the almighty me, held for him. Along with the respect that I'm losing I also begin to wonder if he's also losing something; his mind. It's almost as if his account had been h4xx0r3d and some youthful phreak was writing his ubdates for him. Has college life made him descend into crazyhood where it's alright to ignore all the super kawaii commandments we once held dear?
There was a time, not very long ago, when Odovaucer-san was totally 1337 and would kill a man simply for utilizing an acronym within a ten mile radius of him. He had keen ears and a knife as sharp as a katana (I loves me katanas), but it seems from this last update that he just doesn't respect moi or the blog anymore. He wrote acronym after acronym in some ironical dance of death where the only thing that dies is my love of him (secret inside joke that we have, don't ask). Either way, using acronyms in a serious update ain't cool. We're talking fizzzourteenth cizzmandmizzent not cool. Thou Shalt Not Use Excessive Acronyms.
Seriously, no, stop it. You're writing like some sort of blogging n00b. No more of this, you've screwed up for the last time Odovaucer, it's over, it's done, and it's finished. For once in your life just walk away before you fuxx yourself over more so than you already have. That's it, that's all I have to say. Can we get back to normalcy now?
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
This is Getting Ridiculous
At this point I have to start wondering if I am in fact arguing with a ten-year-old. IIRC there's something on our books that he flagrantly ignored. Let's see, he clearly broke the Twenty-first commandment, thou shalt fix thy obvious misspellings (which you wrote), and OMG, it looks like he himself wrote a second, redundant commandment, thou shalt take the time to spell important sentences correctly, commandment number thirty-five. WTF. IMHO we certainly didn't need two commandments to get people to spell correctly, but obviously I was mistaken. Take a look at this abomination that showed up on the radar this morning. I've TTLO of putting the spelling errors in large red letters.
I don't kno about oyu but this sounds an awful lot liek your breaking another commandment.
One sentence, four spelling errors. ROFLMAO. Not only has he written two commandments specifically against this sort of behavior, but he also has myriad methods of fixing his mistakes right at his fingertips.
Right here on blogger we have a reasonably serviceable spell checker. It's admittedly imperfect (AFAIK there are no perfect spell checkers), but it does pick out the majority of your misspellings (and a fair number of things that aren't), even if its suggestions aren't always that helpful.
Even if he wasn't aware of blogger's spell checker (which he is), he could still use MSW's superior spelling and grammar checker or any of a slew and half of free online spell checkers. Yet he didn't bother. Criminal.
gg turtle_07, gg.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
This is Getting Rediculous
What the hell hapened their? We were arguing nad you jsut went and fuckin left? I mean I relize that it was getting late but jesus man! When your in hte middle of something importent do you just get up and leave? I now that being an ashole takes a lot out of oyu but come on now man, going to sleep in hte middle of this? I thought for a moment u had ended you're own life because I was saying mean things about you.
I don't kno about oyu but this sounds an awful lot liek your breaking another commandment. Remember when you said "Thou shalt not start thy blog and leave it berft and adrigft?" I dunno, it might have bean here. Yeah, well the thign is is that you did. You just got up and letf. Maybe in bizzarro world thats a ok thing to do but hear it aint gonna fly. Plus ur breaking teh thirteenth commandment: For thou shalt accept the critisisms of thy readers for tehy are smarter than thee, by stil not following comandment number nineteen. We life in a world of rules and regulations Odovaucer and let's be honst here; You aint following em.
Its kinda sad to se emy friend who used to be so mightey mocking the interent miscreaents reduced to such a sorry state. Every post you make is just diging you deeper into a hole of sadness. I'm pretty damn close to just ditching the blog entirly, how the mighty have fallan... oh how the mighty have fallen.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Wolves Can Smell Weakness
And here I thought we were having a good-natured battle of words. I thought there were two equally matched literary titans, veritable linguistic dreadnoughts, fighting each other to an epic standstill.
I was wrong. Mea culpa, I was wrong. It turns out that only one of is really worthy of that effusive praise, and it is not turtle_07. turtle_07 is apparently a coward and a slackard, too lazy to put together a proper retort. How long do you think he even spent churning out that piece of fluff? I would say that he is unlikely to have passed the threshold set by the thirty-third commandment: Thou Shalt Put More Than Two Minutes Into Thine Updates. The two minute mark was intended as figurative language, but I'm really not sure he even managed to meet its literal requirements. It goes without saying that you also broke commandment number sixteen, Thou Shalt Post Entries of Reasonable Length.
I think I'm having difficult conveying just how all-around pathetic that update was. I mean, he didn't even name the commandment his was citing. Acting out of a sense of fair play that must be completely foreign to the likes of turtle_07, I looked up the commandment in question. Turns out his beef was over the nineteenth commandment, Thou Shalt Not Use Ellipses Instead of Regular Punctuation. Well guess what turtle?...I'm going to ignore you because you couldn't be bothered to put together a half-decent post...I probably wouldn't have listened to him anyway because he's a fool, but whatever...
Wait, there's more....turtle_07 in fact broke four commandments in that last assault against the morale fibre of our world. Well how do you like that? The fourteenth commandment clearly states that thou shalt not sign thy entry when it is easily apparent who is updating....I think it's pretty clear who was updating, don't you? Especially the damn thing already handily lists the author's name at the bottom of the update.
Thou Shalt End Thy Entry Correctly is our thirtieth commandment...and does it look like turtle_07 observed it this morning? Here...let me quote him for you:
Next time you want to end your blog entry, try thinking of it less like an IM conversation, and more like essay. Give us something other than "I HAVE NO TIME TO UPDATE BUT I WILL UPDATE ANYWAY OH NO MOMS CALLING TTYL!!!" Sheesh you people make me sick.
Jesus Christ, turtle_07. Jesus Christ. Not only did he fail to bring his piece to a coherent close, but he also left out the single most iconic element of this blog. Perhaps you've noticed that, at the end of every update, we post the same two sentences. It's a way of reminding us of our roots, of our raison d'etre, of our place in the Interwebnation Superhighway...and he left it off. He left off the classic Lemon Party tagline. This is unforgivable even in a Down Syndrome patient...Here let me show you the way things ought to be around here.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
You do this just to piss me off don't you?
Look, I'm sorry I was so angry (I wasn't/still am not feeling too hot) but Jesus man, don't post updates drunk or high or whatever. I could barely understand what you were saying and even with all of my ranting about not breaking commandments you still broke another commandment! What's... this shit... Seriously... what... SEE?
Fuck you, fuck this, I need to use the bathroom so turtle_07 out.
Oh, it's On
I'm really not sure how to take this...You certainly appear to be biting the very hand that feeds you. I mean, Christ, what could possibly compel you to do something like that? Never mind that you're posting a second update the same day. Wait...let's take a look at that, shall we? When was that ever okay? Jesus Christ, we have few enough updates as it, and you go and waste space on a Friday? Is there any good reason why this couldn't wait until Monday?...And that's assuming that it deserves an update at all. I really don't think you needed to take this off the comments page...I'm not even sure it needed to go there.
I mean, so you've got a complaint with my latest post. Fantastic. The thing was sitting on the blogger dashboard for a couple days now, and you didn't say anything then....You didn't say anything when it could have helped....You could have discussed it with me personally beforehand, or you could have even edited your comments into the thing itself long before it saw print.
So why didn't you? Either you've developed some sort of vendetta against me and just have to try to trash me in public, or you just wanted the attention, or...you haven't even logged into blogger this week. Something tells me that that's what's going on here. After all, it's not like you're supposed to be a contributing member of the blog or anything. It's not like you expressed as much disdain for all our disappearing Lemon Jockeys as I did. It isn't as if you have time to write regular updates.
Wait...it is just like that, isn't it? You have the time, you have the responsibility...and you are a hypocrite. And speaking of hypocrisy...Did you even think about the implications of your post before you made it? I think not, you lazy bastard.
You go and criticize me for allegedly breaking a commandment, but you also go and break one in the process! Ever hear of "Thou Shalt Not Overuse Emoticons?" Commandment number seven, motherfucker! Yeah, that's right...not such a big man now, eh? How does it feel to be a hypocrite?
Why should I even have to tell you this? This should really just be common sense...who can't tell that your post looks ridiculous with all those cutesy little faces? Answer me that one in the comments, folks. Do you think turtle_07 is a ridiculous hypocrite...and that emoticons should not be used in serious discussion? Sound off...
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Hi Jamie
To make this post all the more poignant I'd like to illustrate it with pictures taken from The Awful Forums.
First off Odovaucer:
I'm certain that a great many of you wonder why I posted that image. Why I am so exasperated that I felt the need to express it in the form a tiny face who just so happens to be exasperated. Why I'm so
. Well, I'll tell you: Odovaucer has done the biggest no-no in our blog's history. He has fished for compliments, which as you all should know is a rather large 
.I mean seriously, what the hell are you trying to pull here? Maybe you've forgotten our illustrious history, maybe our readers have forgotten our illustrious history. Hell, maybe I'm making up our illustrious history, but that doesn't make what you did right
! Does "Thou Shalt Not Fish For Compliments" mean anything to you? Odovaucer in his finite wisdom has somehow broken our first commandment, commandment numero uno, or even ich bin ein Berliner if that's how you like to fly. He's gone against everything we ever stood for and has made a mockery of The Party 
.I mean Jesus, we've gone how long without you doing this? It really makes me want to
right now. I mean the very first commandment that you ever wrote and you just go ahead and ruin it. I was feeling pretty bad up until this point but this just takes the cake. I don't care if it's on the internet for everyone to see, egad man, what have you done?
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Cellars of IMDb: Cary Elwes is the Best Damn Robin Hood You'll Ever See
Last week we left off with Dave Chappelle's feature film debut, 1993's Robin Hood: Men in Tights, which, I assume no one read since there were no comments. Today we'll look at the greatest Robin Hood ever to grace the silver screen, Cary Elwes.
Why is Cary Elwes the greatest Robin Hood ever to grace the silver screen? Unlike some Robin Hoods, he can speak with an English accent. Sheer talent also played something of a part in his triumph as the prince of thieves. Certainly Errol Flynn may have a somewhat more storied career, but honestly, the man spent twenty-five years playing himself before keeling over. Like Elwes, however, those classic looks went a long way towards establishing his career.
For Cary Elwes the story begins in London. A young man by the name of Ivan Simon Cary-Elwes is born to a family tree containing a number of prominent clergymen and is even an altar boy for a time. Somehow he managed to escape that upbringing and ended up at Sarah Lawrence in New York, where he studied acting and cinema for a time. He never graduated, instead leaving to pursue a career in the pictures. Strangely enough this seems to have worked out in his favor. From the very first step his career seemed a steady progression toward greatness. Each acclaimed role led to another.
His first true role* was in the acclaimed Another Country.
Another Country is the story of Guy Bennet (Rupert Everett), an unapologetic homosexual trying to get by in a 1930's British public school. Bennet is based on a real character, Guy Burgess, who goes on to become a Soviet spy with a fantastic degree of success before eventually escaping to the Soviet Union where he would live out the rest of his days. Colin Firth, in his film debut, plays Guy's mentor in Marxism and fellow outcast of the British public school system. Interestingly both men (and Daniel Day-Lewis) played the role of Bennet in stage productions of Another Country. Cary Elwes takes on the part of James Harcourt, the object of Bennet's passionate love.
On the strength of that performance, Trevor Nunn, director of the Royal Shakespeare Company for nearly twenty years, selected him to be Guilford Dudley, the male lead in 1986's Lady Jane.
The film, now all but forgotten, brought Cary and his costar, the ever unattractive Helena Bonham Carter, rave reviews. Another historically based story, Lady Jane presents a rather contrived romance blossoming between Guilford Dudley and Lady Jane Grey, two exceedingly well-connected youths (children really, Dudley is spoiled playboy, Grey is fifteen years old and acts it) arranged into marriage. Their parents had hoped their machinations would put the young couple on the throne, but this is British history: it's apt to end in blood. Though there is little evidence to suggest that the couple actually fell in love (it's not particularly likely that they even consummated the marriage), Elwes and Carter are passionate and wholly convincing.
So convincing that director Rob Reiner immediately cast him in The Princess Bride, released the next year.
His first shot at comedy, Elwes is a resounding success. The Princess Bride is that rare movie that is really and truly impossible for anyone to dislike. At once a swashbuckling fantasy adventure, a paean to true love, an entertaining comedy, a cute family picture, and all the gradations between. In light of this it is truly remarkable that Cary Elwes manages to make a hugely lasting impression as what could have been something of a generic love interest.
Robin Wright makes little to no lasting impression as his one true love, Buttercup, although Buttercup is admittedly a far less juicy character. The problem with these central roles is that they often find themselves standing back as the character come out to play as comic relief and steal the limelight away for good. Veteran performers Wallace Shawn and Billy Crystal both turn in unforgettable performances, while the professional wrestler Andre the Giant served as the film's heart, and singer Mandy Patinkin is now inextricably bound to the most famous line of the film, "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
Surrounded by the strength of these actors having the time of their lives it is simplicity itself to recede into nothing but a pretty straight man. Elwes plays farmboy Westley with style and panache and perfect comic timing. Even in his darkest moments Westley is engaging and a pleasure to watch.
If you see one of this week's movies make it this one, make it this one. This is Cary Elwes' finest moment and it stands up to Reiner's previous shining moments, the original mockumentary This is Spinal Tap and the previously featured Stand by Me.
After The Princess Bride we don't see many more leading roles. Sure, the success of that film led directly to his appearance in the aforementioned Robin Hood: Men in Tights, but instead, for the most part, Elwes found himself far more in demand for roles of varying degrees of villainy. For the most part, Elwes' roles in the nineties have played on his charming accent and boyish good looks in one way or another.
Quite frequently he shows up as "the competition," either in straight-up testosterone-fueled dick-waving in Hot Shots
Or as romantic competition (the leads of these films tend to be lacking in the boyish good looks and charming accent departments).
Twister
Liar, Liar
The rest of the time his looks and his accent served as counterpoint to his nefarious character. It showed up innocently enough in the mediocre Comic Book Villains and the wildly popular Ella Enchanted.
He played undeniable villains in these films, but they were of the charming, somewhat bumbling sort.
Likewise his character in Saw was no villain, but a character of questionable appeal nonetheless.**
Far more often he has been seen pairing his innocent face with truly loathsome personalities. From a petty gang leader in Leather Jackets to bigoted officers in Glory and The Jungle Book to truly monstrous characters in The Riverman and Kiss the Girls.
There is another theme running through Cary Elwes' career completely independent of the roles. Elwes' love of history is the thread that binds his career together. Looking back over his career we see a profusion of period pieces (some historical some less so) primarily dealing with the medieval period, but stretching well up into the twentieth century (he's slated to play the young Pope John Paul II in the the upcoming biopic). Having studied film in college, he has also shown a predilection for portraying historical filmmakers; he's stepped behind the camera while on camera in four separate films, most notably Shadow of the Vampire as Fritz Wagner. Shadow of the Vampire is presented as a look behind the scenes at the production of the classic horror film Nosferatu. The film supposes that Max Schreck, the mysterious dancehall actor hired to play the title role, was so haunting acting as a vampire because he was not, in fact, acting. It is difficult to imagine just how overjoyed Elwes, a student of the German Expressionist movement in film, must have been to work on this particular project, though his performance is all but forgotten in the wake of Willem Dafoe's Oscar-nominated performance as the literally blood-thirsty Max Schreck.
And that concludes another Cellars of IMDb and another week here at Lemon Party. If you have any ideas as to which actors to look into in the future feel free to comment. Or if you simply enjoyed this series or this particular update I'll be glad to hear from you. I'm not expecting much, though. I know it's hard for you guys to take the thirty seconds to leave a message.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
*He and his brother appeared briefly in Yesterday's Hero
**I'd like to take a moment to discuss Saw, which is the sort of film that got very sharp reactions, whether they were positive or negative. In truth the film is deserving of both reactions. For a film produced in eighteen days (filmed in six) on a shoestring budget, it is a truly fantastic film. That's obviously a cop-out though. Taken at face value the movie has some problems.
Actually it has one problem, the final reel. Saw is a horror-thriller with, you guessed it, a twist at the end. The problem is that twist doesn't actually make any sense when you stop to think about it. In the last five minutes most of the plot comes tumbling down like a house of cards. Some of the problems are merely of implausibility, which certainly detract from the experience but can be dealt with. Plenty of impossible things happen as well, and this yet another movie where the cops through common sense and procedure out the window for plot purposes. The acting is also frequently called out as well, which is unsurprising considering that the majority of the scenes were filmed in a single take. Actually the acting is more than acceptable. Every choice is made very consciously and often what seems like poor acting is on the part of the character rather than the actor. The problem with the acting is, in a certain sense, a problem of acting too well. Cary Elwes in particular portrays his character in a way that, while technically realistic and entirely possible, is at moments so aggressively different from the way the audience becomes accustomed to seeing him that it becomes ludicrous.
The film has also been derided for certain plot similarities to numerous other films, most notably, Se7en. Yes, Saw is a film about a psychotic serial killer. Yes, that topic has been covered before. Yes, there are plot similarities to Se7en. All these things are true, but Saw takes a new spin on archetype that I myself have never seen before. Jigsaw, the killer, is a far more remarkable sort of villain than Se7en's John Doe, although Se7en really is a much better picture. It's tempting to go into greater detail here, but Saw is a film worth watching. The premise is entertaining and mildly thought-provoking, the story is paced well and develops excellently into an explosive climax of just the right sort: there are enough clues along the way that you could have figured the twist out, but still you succumbed to the picture's grasp. A moment or two later you'll look back the implications of that twist and cringe, but for most of the ride one ought to be satisfied.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
This is the Thirty-Fourth Biannual Nudeist Colony and Barbeque
Today I am publishing a "Nudeist Colony." This is the formerly weekly feature that shows off some of the more interesting paths readers took to reach this particular blog. As usual, all referrer logs are of English-speaking Americans using Windows and Internet Explorer, unless otherwise indicated.
Thu Sep 29 22:07:55 2005
pcp0012292423pcs.panamc01.fl.comcast.net
68.59.73.62
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_10_17_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.comcast.net/qry/websearch?cmd=qry&safe=on&query=nudeism&x=18&y=5
In the last Nudeist Colony, I provided an incorrect definition of nudeist. Though I thought was giving you a definition of nudeist,it was actually the definition of chimera. I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.
In reality, nudeism is the most popular arcade game of all time. The premise is simple: Two players each receive a set of four pads arranged in a cross in front of video screen. Speakers blast loud dance music, and a series of arrows crawls up the screen. When each arrow reaches it's dock the players must step on the associated pad. The more accurate one's timing the more points one scores. At the end of the song the player with more points is victorious. There are innumerable versions of nudeism, and a number of copycat competitors.
The game is most popular among teenagers of a somewhat unsavory persuasion. That is to say that it is the only exercise and social activity available to many of the various groups of youths dressed primarily in black. Punk, Goth, scene, Otaku, whatever you label yourself, if you're a nudeism player you are, without doubt, a big, sweaty dork.
Sat Oct 1 12:34:32 2005
12-218-55-138.client.mchsi.com
12.218.55.138
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005/02/twenty-third-annual-nudeist-colony.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?ei=utf-8&fr=slv1-adbe&p=aliens having sex pictures
I make one ill-advised reference to Japanese artwork, and suddenly I'm on all sorts of unsavory lists. Maybe, just maybe, this search was made in jest. Yes, perhaps it was nothing but a satirical jab at the disgusting morass of perversity that is the Internet. Would that I could believe that, would that I could.
Sat Oct 22 18:12:52 2005
user-142g16u.cable.mindspring.com
72.40.4.222
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_10_17_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=nudeism pics&fr=FP-tab-web-t-303&toggle=1&cop=&ei=UTF-8
Hopefully this guy was operating under a misapprehension. Knowing what you now do about nudeism, would you really want to see pictures of it in action? I think not. Yet this particular Mindspring user went through a couple of pages of our archives apparently in search of just that.
Sun Oct 23 23:26:59 2005
66-52-139-249.oak.mcn.org
66.52.139.249
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_08_01_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=furries porn pics&prssweb=Search&ei=UTF-8&fl=0&xargs=0&pstart=1&fr
A moment ago I was discussing how disturbing it is that anyone would have a desire to see pictures of nudeism. You remember, yes? That was nothing. This is a search for erotic images of people in animal suits. People in animal suits. Having sex. Pictures. We don't have any. I tell you that in every single Nudeist Colony, but you keep coming back, hoping for your fursuit erotica. Why? Why? WHY!?
Mon Oct 24 10:51:12 2005
Netscape 5
pool-70-16-48-34.syr.east.verizon.net
70.16.48.34
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://www.altavista.com/image/results?itag=ody&q=furries&kgs=1&kls=0&stq=80
I always have mixed feelings about Nudeist Colonies. When I discuss these topics I get scream at all the creepy folks who find their way here, and, hopefully, mildly entertain my more mainstream readers. However, every time I publish words like "nudeist," "furry," and "porn" I bring ever more sickos to my humble blog. It's a vicious cycle, and it is worrying away at my sanity. Surely there must be some way I can profit from the perverts.
Sat Oct 29 14:00:33 2005
English (United Kingdom)
popl-cache-5.server.ntli.net
62.255.64.8
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://search.msn.co.uk/results.aspx?FORM=MSNH&CP=1252&q=nudeist camps
So now they have camps for nudeists? Are these summer camps for the younger set of sweaty gamers to while away their lazy summer days, or are they perhaps internment camps? They could even be death camps. Phone your senator; someone out there is systematically murdering smelly nerds!
Sat Oct 29 12:42:50 2005
pool-70-106-140-200.chi.dsl-w.verizon.net
70.106.140.200
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=family nudeist&sm=Yahoo%21 Search&fr=FP-tab-web-t&toggle=1&cop=&ei
Ah, the eternal question: can a nudeist have a family? It really comes down to a question of nature versus nurture. Are they nudeists because they play nudeism, or do they play nudeism because they are nudeists? In the case of the former it is impossible for a nudeist to have a family because that family will immediately disown him or her when they discover what their child does. In the latter case it is indeed possible for a nudeist have a family, but only a latent nudeist, one who has not yet discovered his or her passion for the dance.
Sat Oct 29 19:30:30 2005
ip68-6-235-116.sd.sd.cox.net
68.6.235.116
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005_02_13_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?ei=utf-8&fr=slv1-&p=pictures of twelve year olds having sex
On the bright side, there is no mention here of nudeism or nudeists. See, there really is a silver lining to every dark cloud. The dark cloud is of course the sad fact that my site is a shining beacon to pederasts. We still don't have pictures of twelve year olds having sex. We don't have pictures of anyone having sex. We keep it clean for the kiddies, not for the kiddie lovers.
Sun Oct 30 12:02:11 2005
pcp0010442536pcs.sabrna01.az.comcast.net
69.139.217.90
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005_02_13_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.parseek.com/search/?q=sex 12-17 year old picturs&start=1
Well you've at least got to hand it to the last guy for knowing what he wants. This one can't decide what he really wants. Yeah, he likes the twelve-year-old booty just like his predecessor, but he's willing to go for anything as long as it isn't legal. That's what's truly peculiar. To tell the truth, there really isn't that great a deal of difference in appearance between a seventeen-year-old and an eighteen-year-old. Trust me on this one, I've been both. The only difference is legality. A twelve-year-old however, is markedly different in appearance. This suggests that this fellow doesn't even care what he's looking at as long as he think he's getting away with something. It makes me sick, not so much that he's looking for nudie pics of little children as that he doesn't even care what he sees. Come on man, find something specific to be passionate about. Illegal porn is an awfully big category.
Sun Oct 30 13:53:06 2005
pcp08487311pcs.phnixv01.pa.comcast.net
68.81.154.141
http://www.lemonparty.blogspot.com
http://www.parseek.com/search/?q=sex 12-17 year old picturs
Exact same search, exact same search engine, but this time it's from Phoenix, Pennsylvania rather than Sabrina, Arizona. It's not legal there either.
Actually, if you want to get technical, he's looking for picturs, not pictures, and I'm pretty sure there's no law against having "picturs" of twelve- to seventeen-year-olds having sex. It's also interesting to note this person is apparently located in Arizona, but is using a Persian search engine. One should hope that this throws up all sorts of red flags at the Department of Homeland Security. On the other hand that would probably that this site is being watched as well. That is so my excuse next time I don't feel like updating. Sorry guys, but I was in Guantanamo.
Sun Oct 30 16:58:22 2005
netblock-66-159-228-110.dslextreme.com
66.159.228.110
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_08_22_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=stripteasing videos&ei=UTF-8&fr=FP-tab-img-t-216&fl=0&x=wrt
Isn't it peculiar how a search for stripteasing videos now seems so mundane? After the what we've been through it's only to be expecting. No, we don't have what this fellow's looking for either. What we have here is just couple of guys who have become very, very bitter about the Internet.
But hey, cheer up, Cellars of IMDb #10 foes live on Friday at exactly 12:01 AM Eastern Standard Time. That's just barely over twenty-four hours. Be there, or be without immediate access to the best Cellars yet.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Friday, November 04, 2005
Cellars of IMDb: Dave Chappelle is Quite Happy in South Africa, Thank You Very Much
Yes, it's Friday again. Today is that special day, the last day of the work week, the first day of the weekend. It is a night of debauchery or relaxation or, in my case, writing.* Because it is on Friday's that I post the Cellars of IDMb, my time to share with you, my gently readers, my abiding passion for far too many Hollywood actors of middling repute. Last week we left of with the vastly underappreciated Mos Def, and this week we begin anew with the somewhat oversaturated Dave Chappelle.
Dave Chappelle was the king of the world. His sketch comedy show on Comedy Central, the aptly titled Chappelle's Show produced two hugely popular seasons in 2003 and 2004.
Chappelle's salary for the next two seasons was an unprecedented fifty million dollars. It seemed you couldn't go anywhere without there being somebody there to scream, "I'm Rick James, bitch!" in your face.
Myriad other instantly memorable characters populated Chappelle's racially-charged critically-acclaimed show, most of which were Chappelle in various wigs.
Sure it was fun for awhile, but Chappelle just couldn't take the pressure and dissappeared from a taping for Season three in mid-May. Eventually it came out that he had run away to South Africa on a spiritual retreat (he's been a Muslim for a couple years now). He vehemently denies all rumors of crack addiction andmental breakdown. Regardless he's gone back to his roots and has begun a slow but steady stand-up tour.
So that's the rise and fall and subsequent rise of Dave Chappelle, but that's not really what we're after is it? Before Chappelle's Show took him into the stratosphere Chappelle had a solid film career. Most recently he provided comic relief in the ostensibly comedic Undercover Brother. Before that he turned in entertaining, albeit brief, performances in a number of otherwise unassuming pictures, including Blue Streak, 200 Cigarettes.
Chappelle has had, to date, one chance at the cinematic limelight, starring in a picture he himself wrote with Neil Brennan (who would go on to also help write much of Chappelle's Show) and produced: the charming Half Baked.
1998's Half Baked is an epic stoner oddyssey, and a surrisingly sturdy film, all things considered. The highlights are, however, the cameo appearances by such notables as Tommy Chong, Bob Saget, and Jon Stewart.
Before Half Baked Chappelle found his way into a number of movies including the ambitious Con Air, the highly popular The Nutty Professor, and the vastly underrated Joe's Apartment (albeit as nothing more than one of many loud-mouthed cockroaches).
To some though Dave Chappelle will be best remembered for his feature film debut a scant thirteen years ago: Ahchoo in Mel Brooks' instant classic Robin Hood: Men in Tights.
The film, not particularly popular with critics, was classic Brooks and gave the up-and-coming stand-up Chappelle plenty of room to showcase his growing talents in a brand of cinematic humor sadly absent from the theaters of today. And on that sad note I must leave for another weekend of whatever it is I do over weekends.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
*This system may have to go. I'm going to try getting ahead on these in the future. That means that next week's Cellars is going to go live at 12:01 AM, and that is my promise to you, gentle reader.