Read in between the lines
I said I'd do a boxing day update, and a boxing day update I shall do!

today's update, is also a commandment, which we haven't had for at least... 2 or 3 days. But that my friends, is besides (and beyond) the point. The point being, that I (turtle_07) am going to write you (the viewers) a boxing day update full of love, joy, and scotch. Never mind how I got the scotch, just drink it, shut up, and let me tell my story.

A long time ago, there was this thing called the internet... except they didn't call it the internet, they called it rocks as the internet hadn't been invented yet. Anyway, this internet was primitive, even slower than a 9700 baud modem. So they had these rocks, and the only way that a common man could publish his works was to either be a decent enough writer to get some big fancy suit do it for him, these people had their works put into what they called back then: Books. They still call them books now, except as you can see there is no capitalization of the 'B'.

So if you weren't smart enough to make 'Books', then your only other means of getting your writing out to the public was to chisel it onto rocks and then throw it at your neighbors, the hope was that the rocks would knock them out, and they'd wake up forgetting everything except that they had to go out and spread whatever was written on the rock to the people. This only worked once with this dude named Moses. In the end there was a lot of bloodshed and no one really won, but that's a different story.

So, eventually what happened was Al Gore invented the internet. Suddenly people could pay money to have their writings (and other forms of media) out there by only paying some dude a couple hundred bucks a month to put it on a box connected with a wire. Many people did this, and so, more knowledge (if you can call it that) was given to the public.

At about this point in the story, I got bored, needless to say more shit happened, and then Blogs were invented!

This was of course a crowning achievement as now any yahoo could get a free (free) blog and start babbling away incoherently about their life and other useless drivel. Of course these people had little or no writing skill to speak of, along with the inability to use a spell checker. They soon created a soupy broth of pain and stupidity.

These para-humans soon discovered something. They discovered that despite the fact that they could write words and have them appear on their computer screen, they weren't sure how to express emotions. Nevermind the ability to convey emotions through your word choice, these people could barely spell words, let alone know enough of them to do that. So they were left with 2 options, post useless sentences like: "That made me mad" or add in the emotion sentence. The emotion sentence went something like this:

So I didn't go to the mall today ::is angry:: and then my sister told me I was fat and stupid *grrrr*

Notice that all emotions are either in asterisks or double colons so as to not disrupt the flow of the sentence. However, soon these people discovered that not only emotions could be put into these things, but also, get this, actions to signify emotions. Holy cow! Eventually their blogs turned into a whirlwind of ::sigh:: and *snuggles*, also including less common ones such as *Kisses sexydude87* and *sticks vibrator into pussy*. As these para-humans were not smart enough to put emotion INTO their words without using simple sentences that looked badly, they resorted to this inane bullshit. I mean that's all well and good... except that it makes your blog look like shit. Much like the ASCII emoticons these little buggers appear everywhere and will drive insane all who read it.

Or, as you might have seen in some blogs:


So today was bad, but I got to see Sarah *wistful sigh* and then we went to the mall *squeels* and it was really really fun. So then I went home *darn* and my parents were all go up to your room. I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!! So i got on my computer and i started to talk to sarah and she said that she loved me *jumps for joy* and then I went to sleep. Today was ok

AHSAODLALSKD DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!!

So next time you decide that you want to post an update, remember...

Thou shalt not post action statements inside your blog


I would link to a blog, but the perfect blog is currently barred from my access (by myself, as I am a fair and honorable person who promised not to post hurtful things about her [*Rises to the bait* - Odovaucer])

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 11:12 PM