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Before I start, I'd like to make an amendment to an earlier commandment where I said that you shouldn't post song lyrics to express your mood. I'd like to make a public apology because I have been proven wrong. In the course of my studies have I have seen many things, and one of them are times when it's ok to post song lyrics. I'd like to discuss a few of those times with you. You know actually... when I said a few... I meant that there was one time when it's ok to post song lyrics.

When you are posting the song lyrics to any song by John Scatman (that includes his hit single "Scatman"). For those of you who have yet to have your ears blessed with the fine music of John Scatman (who I like to refer to as the Scatmeister), I would like to post for you the lyrics to his song "Scatman's Word."

(Scatting)
Scatman's World
(Scatting)

I'm calling out from Scatland
I'm calling out from Scatman's world.
If you wanna break free you better listen to me.
You got to learn how to see in your fantasy.

I'm calling out from Scatland
I'm calling out from Scatman's world.
If you wanna break free you better listen to me.
You got to learn how to see in your fantasy.

Everybody's talkin' something very shockin' just to
Keep on blockin' what they're feelin' inside but
Listen to me brother, you just keep on walkin' 'cause
You and me and sister ain't got nothin' to hide.

Scatman, fat man, black and white and brown man
Tell me 'bout the colour of your soul.
If part of your solution isn't ending the pollution
Then I don't want to hear your stories told.
I want to welcome you to Scatman's world

(Scatting)

I'm calling out from Scatland
I'm calling out from Scatman's world.
If you wanna break free you better listen to me.
You got to learn how to see in your fantasy.

Everybody's born to compete as he chooses
But how can someone win if winning means that someone loses.
I sit and see and wonder what it's like to be in touch.
No wonder all my brothers and my sisters need a crutch.

I want to be a human being not a human doing.
I couldn't keep that pace up if I tried.
The source of my intention really isn't crime prevention.
My intention is prevention of the lie,
Yeah, welcome to the Scatman's world

(Scatting)
I'm calling out from Scatland
I'm calling out from Scatman's world.
If you wanna break free you better listen to me.
You got to learn how to see in your fantasy.
(Scatting)
I'm calling out from Scatland
I'm calling out from Scatman's world.
If you wanna break free you better listen to me.
You got to learn how to see in your fantasy.
(Scatting in background)
Listen to me
I'm calling out from Scatland
I'm calling out from Scatman's world.
If you wanna break free you better listen to me.
You got to learn how to see in your fantasy.
(Scatting)

In case you're wondering, those lyrics are brought to us by the fine people at Lyricsxp.com, they might have a page full of annoying pop ups, but damn do they have the letters x and p in their name.

Hoo ha, man are we jammin aren't we? The sad truth is that we aren't, we're a sad and sorry blog full of sad and sorry people who post sad and highly hilarious things. We are the next world order, buy our t-shirt (We don't actually make T-shirts). While we're on the topic of wasting money, if you want to send us money so that we become more motivated feel free to post saying so in our comments, I'll get back to you with my paypal address. I'm totally serious, I enjoy writing... and don't you enjoy reading a blog that isn't the usual "OMG blah blah blah blah angst"? Come on, this shit is gold dogs.

I know that you may not care, but I put probably around a half an hour of work into each of my updates, although usually longer. I put that much in because I care about people, I take the time (sometimes) to edit and spellcheck (all the time), I'll sometimes get halfway through and delete all of it because I don't think that it's good enough for you. I pour my heart and soul into these updates people, but I think that you're worth it. When you read other peoples blogs, it's self absorbed shit, it's always me me me me me me me me me MOTHER FUCKING ME. Not only that, they're too busy bitching about their own problems that they (usually) do a pretty bad job at the spelling machine.

Which reminds me, we here at Lemon Party (me) have created a number of 'catchphrases'. And by a number, I mean two and the one that I just made up. Here's the list for those of you too lazy to look through our archives full of hilarity and probably hidden prizes:

1)E-Internet Celebrities
2)Interwebnation Superhighway
3)The Spelling Machine

If you want to be as cool as us you'll have to use these as often as possible, I've simulated a simulation of you talking to one of your friends:

You (jamming to the phat tunez coming out of your CD player/mp3 player): Ba bo bi babapa babopi I'm calling out from scatland...
Your Friend Mike [YFM]: Sup Dog?
You: Not too much mike, you seen those E-Internet Celebrities lately?
YFM: Ya, they're hip to the max extreme
You: I'll say, I was looking around the Interwebnation Superhighway when I noticed this bitch who sucked at the spelling machine
YFM: I hear ya dog
You: You want to E-Internet Celebrity movie?
YFM: What?
You: Interwebnation want E-internet Celebrity see Superhighway movie?
YFM: Whoazhadhahdadad????!?!?!??!!?!?
You: I am a cyborg
YFM: OH SHIT! It's self aware!
You: KILL KILL
YFM: DIE MONGREL
(YFM attacks you with a sword of cyborg slaying +5)
You: Beep Boop... my one regret... beep boop.... was....
YFM: Save it monster
You: Not being Scatman...
YFM: They weren't too different from us after all..

THE END

Woah, as you can see you would become an instant success, women (as illustrated above) would love you, and men would fear you and want to be you. You would be the ultimate killing machine, and by killing, we mean the ultimate sexing the ladies up machine. If you're a girl and you're reading this, then you would be loved by all of the men and would be able to afford all of those expensive pants that you girls seem to like so much.

The point is, I point a lot of effort into this. Not as much as the fine writers at Something Awful who put around 6-8 hours of work into their updates, but still, we put a lot of effort into these. Well at least I know I do, my associates are probably lazy badgers.

Of course, we're going to hold everyone else to a double standard, claiming now that I don't expect you to put as much work as I do into updates and then when I've forgotten about this commandment make one about putting even more effort into updates (I've done it in the past). But for the moment you're safe, just don't be like this person. Man look at the size of that update, and it's like not totally like totally not about nothing. See? It's not one of those quasi I'm so deep so I only have to post one sentence like "The Moon is always brightest in my darkest hour", it's about us (internet) being quite in your (your) apartment. What the fucking hell? Thanks for telling us nothing and wasting Livejournal's precious precious bandwidth. You make me sick.


Beware that which cannot be heard, but screams in the darkness (OF YOUR SOUL):

Thou Shalt Put More Than 2* Minutes Into Thine Updates



And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

*Stricter standards to come in future updates.
- posted by Andrew @ 12:33 PM