This is the end... my only friend... the end
In the last article that I wrote I thought that I would point out that Odovaucer and I both live in the future, because as I said before, the now was just too damn depressing. Well, that got me thinking. See, if we live in the future we're sure to know what the future holds, and in an attempt to be nicer and not call you an assortment of naughty words, I thought that I would just let you all in on a little secret. These are the answers to the next five yes/no questions that you might have:

(In no particular order)
Yes
No
No
No
Yes

As you can see the future is full of wacky antics and even wackier people. Like that Frank Caltronzen, what a character. Yea, the future is great alright. However, just because the future is full of wonderful things like lollipops, umbrellas, and cocaine you still have to be careful. There is danger lurking around every corner, and a corner lurking on every danger. You really have to have quick wits and a shotgun to survive the future, however assuming that you're one of our readers you more than likely have neither. Which is why I've made this guide which I like to call "Surviving the Future." In this guide we'll teach you how to survive in a barren and alien wasteland full of flesh eating mongloids. (Generally throwing sticks for them to fetch will handle it - Odovaucer) Don't worry though, as long as you follow our guide we promise (don't promise) that you'll be safe (not very safe).

Part 1: Traveling to the future

As we all know you can't survive the future until you're in the future, and you can't simply wait for the future to happen, because if you wait it'll always be the now, and since the now isn't the future that isn't any way at all to get to the future. If anything it's a death trap, no one's ever died in the future, only in their present. That's right, I was lying before, no one's ever died in the future, and because no one isn't someone, it's technically impossible for you to die anywhere in time but the present! Get off your fat ass damnit and get into the future where the rivers are made of gumdrops and you can never die (although aging doesn't stop). Enough of my incomprehensible chit-chat, you've got a future to go to, and I've got a race of people to exterminate, we're both busy people. Which is why I'm now moving on.

• Using a time machine:
  Although not much is known about time machines, enough is known to let you know that it's a viable option. However few there are, you can always find at least one within a two mile radius of your house. The only hard part is seeing past the illusion that the government has crafted around it. I can't actually tell you what the illusion will show, as I have never seen two time machines use the same illusion. What you'll want to look for however is an influx in hyperdense particles, it's a common fact that hyperdense particles are drawn to time machines like potato chips to my mouth, if you can spot them, you'll have no trouble finding one. If you have trouble in this field, you'll probably want to try option 2.
  
  
• Reverse Flashbacks
  As any moron knows, you can travel into the past easily by just getting knocked out and flashing back to the past. Since the past is not where we want to go, we need to the future, we'll be doing something called a reverse flashback. Since the flashback requires getting knocked out, the reverse flashback requires getting knocked up. I'm not sure what else I can say about this technique, except that 90% of the time it will not work (so keep trying) and it will only work on a woman or a man with a uterus. If you have problems finding the time machine and you're a man without a uterus, you may want to try our third and final way of getting into the future.
  
  
• Talking to Larry
  Larry is this cool guy that I met down at the Y, not much is known about his past except that he's really mysterious. Sometimes he'll disappear for weeks at a time, or other times he'll be in 5 places at once. I'm not really sure how he does it, except that it involves time travel. He's told me about it on occasion, he says that he can lead anyone through the deep green veil into the land of the unknown. I don't know about you, but when someone says deep green veil you're inclined to believe them, I know that I was. Now I haven't been to the future with him so I can't really tell you what to expect, just that it's probably pretty trippy. Anyway, to get to Larry you just need to head down to your local YMCA and ask for him by name. At first they'll act like they have no clue who he is, but keep pushing and they'll give you his contact information. Once you meet up with him there's a fee or something. Although I've heard that he'll do it for a sandwich these days, so you may want to bring a few of those and get the premium.
  

Anyway, I'll continue with how to survive the future in future updates, right now we have more important issues. Namely you learning how to blog correctly, and me getting a fine ass bitch to send into the future if you catch my drift and I think you don't, so I'll just act like this sentence never happened and continue. This is a link to Lemon Party, a site where three old men have an orgy.

Blogging is different. Not in the "ha ha look at that kid's giant forehead" different, but different in the sense that you can actually take time writing it unlike most other online activities. I mean unlike when you're writing on a forum or in an IM, there's no time limit. You have all the time in the world, there's no reason why it should be poorly written and horrible (unless you're really stupid). That sounds familiar right? Yea, I've written it before. It's in one of our many commandments. However, it's been proven time and time again that I have to CONTINUE to restate things. You'd think that being told once that they were different mediums, and as such should be treated differently once would be enough. But nooooooo, you just have to act like everything is one giant horribly misspelled AIM conversation.

Honestly people, you should never been ending your blog entries like an AIM conversation, there's no where that you have to go, you can end it nicely instead of just saying "so long ttyl." I mean that's chat room stuff when you're talking to one person, and it makes absolutely NO sense when put into a blog entry. You were never actually talking to me in the first place, end your god damned entry normally so that I won't be forced to beat you to death with your own pelvis.

Next time you want to end your blog entry, try thinking of it less like an IM conversation, and more like essay. Give us something other than "I HAVE NO TIME TO UPDATE BUT I WILL UPDATE ANYWAY OH NO MOMS CALLING TTYL!!!" Sheesh you people make me sick.

So please, in the very end just try and remember:

Thou Shalt End Thy Entry Correctly



And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 9:37 PM