Lemon Party
Friday, February 25, 2005
If You Had Twenty-Three Nudeists And Then Added One Nudeist You'd Have Twenty-Five Nudeists No Wait You'd Have A Colony Of Twenty Four Nudeists
Today's Nudeist Colony is dedicated to itchy from Muhlenberg College. It contains a number of listings. Each entry contains the actual data of an Internet browser who stopped by our illustrious website. As usual I have given date, time, resolved domain, IP address, the page viewed, and the page the reader was referred from. All users are assumed to be English-speaking Americans using Windows and IExplore unless otherwise indicated. My comments follow each entry. I tire of this gay banter; how about we dive right in?
Thu Feb 17 09:44:42 2005
Netscape 5
65-101-143-192.tukw.qwest.net
65.101.143.192
http://www.lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_12_05_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=nudeist pictures&rs=2&ei=UTF-8&fl=0&fr=FP-tab-web-t
This individual has used Yahoo.com to search for "nudeist pictures." Nudeist is, incidentally, a misspelling of the word "nudist." Why anyone would feel the particular need to see nudists is beyond me. After all, a naked person doesn't become any more naked if he or she is nudist. Plus it is very much bad form to misspell your web searches. Incidentally, this person needed to look at four pages of our archives before realizing that we do not, in fact, have any pictures of nudists.
Thu Feb 17 17:16:52 2005
Italian (Italy)
host15-112.pool8254.interbusiness.it
82.54.112.15
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=NUDIST PARTY PICTURES&sm=Yahoo%21 Search&toggle=1&ei=UTF-8&xargs=0
At least this fellow spelled "nudist" correctly. Yet he felt some compulsion to capitalize all the terms of his search. No, that doesn't actually alter the results.
Thu Feb 17 17:24:38 2005
unknown
141.157.34.10
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_02_08_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=latin queen xangas
This is a rather peculiar search. Typically Xanga is most closely associated with Asians, not Hispanics, but whatever. I'm not sure if this person is hoping to find royalty or homosexuals, but neither one shows up on our pages all that frequently. And besides, either way it's a stupid search.
Fri Feb 18 13:20:15 2005
CPE00045a6cd700-CM014250020257.cpe.net.cable.rogers.com
24.114.31.141
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_08_22_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=%22sex riddle%22&ei=UTF-8&fl=0&xargs=0&pstart=1&fr=FP-tab-web-t&b=
Yes, it's true. We have the answer to the sex riddle. The answer is in her vagina, you fucking moron. Didn't your dad ever tell you about the birds and the bees? Seriously, I know he was never all that sober and didn't do a particularly good job of explaining it, but you should have at least picked up that much.
Fri Feb 18 14:46:45 2005
Swedish
h113n2fls32o817.telia.com
213.65.36.113
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_08_29_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.google.se/search?hl=sv&q=bizarre porn tubgirl lemonparty&spell=1
If tubgirl and lemonparty are your idea of bizarre porn you are woefully naive. There is an infinite rainbow of disturbing grotesquerie out there that must arouse someone.
Fri Feb 18 15:02:10 2005
Netscape 5
plns-216-222-240-160-pppoe.dsl.plns.epix.net
216.222.240.160
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_07_18_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=D%26D sucks&sp=1&sm=Yahoo%21 Search&toggle=1&ei=UTF-8&fr=FP-tab-we
It most certainly does. Interestingly enough we're the only result on the first that actually tries to take that position. The piece's success is for you to decide.*
Fri Feb 18 16:07:53 2005
h00095b4fd00f.ne.client2.attbi.com
66.31.202.207
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_11_14_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.google.com/search?as_q=&num=10&hl=en&btnG=Google Search&as_epq=what is a lemon party&as_
Here I thought that other fellow exhibited a shocking amount naivete. Woefully there are apparently still people out there who do not what Lemon Party is. One think that anyone who's heard of Lemon Party would know to go to www.lemonparty.org, but apparently some people are simply too cowardly to do the logical thing.
Fri Feb 18 21:51:07 2005
dialup-207-218-209-46.ev1.net
207.218.209.46
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_05_23_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=cocaine fuck party&ei=UTF-8&fl=0&xargs=0&pstart=1&fr=FP-tab-web-t&
This person apparently wanted to find a cocaine fuck party. This blog has absolutely no connection to cocaine fuck parties. As usual this referrer log is not my fault. As has become the standard in recent times, this particular imbecile is here because of turtle_07 updates. Every reference to cocaine we've seen has been from turtle_07, and furthermore it has always been in the form of gratuitous and rather pointless references to the sad state of his love life.**
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
*It's important to figure out whether or not it's satire.
**Obviously there is now one update from me that mentions cocaine.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Snap daddy-o. Poetry corner
No, this week's update will not deal with the future; I thought that maybe I could go off on a different tangent today, something a bit closer to the heart. I mean surviving in a bizarre alien post-apocalyptic wasteland is cool and all, but it doesn't really coincide with the lives that most of our readers have chosen. I have decided that this update will not pander to the minority and instead I will give back something that all of our readers can enjoy.
That's right, I'm talking about poetry. (I certainly saw that coming - Odovaucer) Everyone has an artist in his breast; everyone wants something beautiful once in a while, like a flower.
Ain't it pretty? But sometimes we crave something that twangs at our emotions, not just our eyes. That's who this segment is for, people who want some twanging in their bellies. I was on the job! First order of business, find some poetry. Fortunately for you readers I realize that not all poetry is good, so I've decided to use a few lemony tricks to find excellent poetry. The first source I scoured? Livejournal. I did a community search for "bitchin' poetry", but unfortunately no communities or inmdividual users currently exist for the sole purpose of creating bitchin' poetry. Luckily I had a few more tricks up my sleeve. My next search was for "awesome poetry," and boy did it deliver.
Without further delay I give you some of livejournal's very best "awesome poetry".
drunken mailman;
i think my mailman's been boozing it up
he comes later and later every day
he's grown a beard within the past month
and his hair has gotten grey
i think my mailman's been boozing it up
here endeth the story
would he start coming earlier
if i left him a 40?
Now if that doesn't get your artist juices/sentiments/libido going I don't know what will. But what's that? One poem isn't enough to quench your thirst for all things emotional and deep? (Oh lord, let it stop now - Odovaucer, girding himself for the worst.) Well then it's google to the rescue. Where livejournal failed Erik would succeed. Constructing an entire web page based on his bitchin' (ass) poetry, he truly is a king amongst men. Here is a sample of the kind of poetry that you too could make if you were as bitchin' as Erik.
A lesser man might quit, a lesser man might see these two examples of internet poetry and say: "I am a lesser man, I am done for the day," but not I. I have found a third source of awesome/excellent/bitchin' poetry and I intend to share with you one last bit of beauty before the world is enveloped by a dark age, the likes of which have only been seen in the dark ages. (Tautology, what? - Odovaucer)
A Tire on Fire
ERIKMARTIN
I am a tire on fire,
a man on the move -
flying by wirewith nothing to lose.
Stay out of my way,
I'm rolling down your street,
a roaring flame,a rose by another name.
Bounding off curbs,
my Firestone brothers
Goodyear sisters,
glare at me fiercely -
jealousy, probably.
Come along follow me!
Hurry up, now
,and maybe,
just maybe,
you'll catch a glimpse
of my flaming mane
cruising down Chasey Lane.
Inhale my aroma:
carcinogenic, black-
lung inducing ,alveoli reducing
smoke cloud -
mushroom of doom,
rising above the rooftops.
Who called the cops?
'Cause they'll call the firemen
and they'll put out
my blaze of glory.
Tell my story:
my quarter-mile,
my time to shine.
Life was mine,
and I blew it.
I was a tire on fire
The final poem shows that you don't have to be an artsy fairy to make excellent poetry; this third poem was found on my search for "badass poetry." Yeah babe, it's badass. I soon discovered Staplegun Press, one quick link later I was staring at a badass poem by Steve Henn. Steve's badass poem can be found here, but, in the interest of saving our readers valuable time, I will reproduce the poem right here and right now. Rock on Steve, you crazy diamond you.
How to Succeed in Rock n Roll
without really trying
by Steve Henn
To be a great drummer
I must cultivate anger,
laugh with ferocity,
make enemies in order
to hold them in contempt,
bust through heads
with sticks every rhythm-honed
practice, snarl, spit,
learn to lose the friendly drunk
demeanor or better yet
wear my sobriety
like a clenched fist
I must hate knowing people,
scowl often, connect
to bass and rhythm guitar
as blood flows through bone,
I must be denied every other
outlet, incapable of singing,
too frustrated to write a simple line,
I must have it in for someone
every time I sit behind the kit.
I certainly hope that you all have enjoyed this edition of "turtle_07's poetry corner." If you have any bitchin'/excellent/awesome/badass poetry that you would like featured in the next "turtle_07's poetry corner," email me at uniquename@gmail.com. You can also email me if you are the angry author and demand that I take your poetry down, both are good. Until next time, you hip cats.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Holes Punched In It
No, I'm not writing about writing today. Instead I'm going to talk to you about some of the things I've seen browsing Livejournal. The first I learned reading random Livejournals is that one should never under any circumstances read random livejournals. It is an exercise in masochism. Nevertheless, I have gone perusing for your reading pleasure, and, also for your reading pleasure, I have left out a number of pages that are simply too painful to behold.
We'll start simply, with a lesson. This is LJ should illustrate the concept of "picking one's battles." This blogger apparently takes it personally when Internet users make fun of her for the weather she experiences. She needs to quite simply chill the fuck out. Fighting battles over the Internet is not easy and not fulfilling. Whenever possible you should realize that nothing anyone says on the Internet ought to be taken seriously. When people tease you about the weather you let it slide unless you're an melodramatic bitch-whore. Do you think there are more normal people with livejournals or melodramatic bitch-whores? Quick hint: the correct answer rhymes with snitch cores.
Music is a very powerful thing. Sometimes it is a good idea to put song lyrics in your blog entry. However it will make you look like a gigantic flaming moron unless your use of lyrics is sarcastic. If you think a song's lyrics are deep and meaningful and somehow relevant to your situation, take a moment to reexamine your situation. Chances are you're actually really dumb and posting lyrics will make this readily apparent to your readership. Basically want I'm driving at is this commandment. Isn't it just ever so sweet though? This girl is quoting Maroon 5 to show her significant other how much she cares for him or her. Her contribution to the update is the words "baby this is for you." Wow, that's certainly a awfully personal statement you made there. I bet he dumped her and that's why she stopped posting after that update. I wouldn't just dump if I had been her boyfriend though. I'd have slit her throat as well and then framed Maroon 5. Actually I probably wouldn't have to bother with that step; no jury in the world convict me. It's what we in the legal profession refer to as "justifiable homicide."
Here is our third and final stupid LJ girl. Oh wait, it isn't a girl, it's gay male. It's also an excellent justification for rampant homophobia. No one would be trying to legalize gay marriage if this blog was in public circulation. Instead you'd hear about efforts to legalize gay-lynching. Seriously, this fellow says things like "But with Ernie it's so different. In spite of how he's treating me right now I just can't believe that he's a bad person." Nearly any relationship angst looks stupid, but this is pretty bad stuff.
Think that's dumb? Take a look at this one. Yes that is a grammatical error in the update's title. "Lindsay Lohan is SO cool, I love her. I still think that looks-wise I'm the male version of her and after I get out of the Mystic Tan booth, we're almost gonna be the same person!"
There really isn't anything else to say on this topic.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Friday, February 18, 2005
Shut up and Eat (Part Five)
(Author's note: This is probably one of, if not the longest update I've ever written. Please, use the comment system to make our lives and your lives easier. Tell us if you think it drags on and on or if you enjoyed the longer than usual update.)
I lied in my last update, this won't be about time traveling alligators or whatever I had promised. See in the future alligators have been all but eliminated, which means that an entire update about defending yourself from the time traveling scum would be completely worthless as the last ten alligators in existence can't time travel because they're alligators.
Alright, I'm glad that we got that out of the way. This updating will be a continuation (if you can believe it) of all the other "How to Survive the Future" updates. See the others were stand-alone pieces of wisdom than true continuations... (This is a blatant lie - Odovaucer) anyway enough chit-chat. I've taught you how to defend yourself (from time traveling cadets and hobos), what weapons to use to defend yourself (from the denizens of the future, they're different!), how to find a shelter, I think that you're all ready for the next installment.
Alright, I'm glad that we got that out of the way. This updating will be a continuation (if you can believe it) of all the other "How to Survive the Future" updates. See the others were stand-alone pieces of wisdom than true continuations... (This is a blatant lie - Odovaucer) anyway enough chit-chat. I've taught you how to defend yourself (from time traveling cadets and hobos), what weapons to use to defend yourself (from the denizens of the future, they're different!), how to find a shelter, I think that you're all ready for the next installment.
Fitting in can be hard, so hard in fact that I'm splitting this update into a four part update, each part filling you in about another aspect of the future's many bizarre quirks. Like the fact that everyone wears hats. Honest to God. There is not a man, woman, or child who doesn't wear a hat in the future; that way when you time travel to the future they can tell that you're a time traveler because you don't wear a hat... maybe I should have gone over this in my first update. So anyway, part zero of this four part update is to let you all know that you need to find hats as soon as possible.
Alright, so you're in the future living in a box or a boat or whatever the hell I told you to live in in the earlier updates, but you notice a problem. Sure all of the other time traveling cadets and hobos have been vaporized by your trusty Laser Ray Gun, but now you're running out of the food that you took from them (along with their tender meat). What now? Well obviously, you head to the grocery store. But what's this? They require money?! Well, I guess you'll need a job.
Much like the present, the future has its fair share of companies; unlike the present, however, all important jobs have been taken over by super intelligent robots. See the robots used to work at McDonald's and the like, but they got fed up with the bad pay and the unsanitary working conditions, so they went out and built identical robot replicates of already living politicians. No one could tell them apart... except for one last desperate gambit. The humans challenged the robots to a dance-off knowing that no robot can dance. Unfortunately the random dance chosen for contest was "The Robot." No humans survived the carnage of that dance floor.
What this means is that all the good jobs have been taken; you won't find a job that'll give you more than $15 an hour. This may sound good, but in the future that's actually not very much... it's minimum wage... only worse because the robots lowered minimum wage because they're filthy metallic bastards. Anyway, because so many jobs are now done by robots, there are now fewer jobs than there are humans. (Which is such a remarkable shift from the way things are today - Odovaucer) There are only two ways to get a job: find some place so terrible that no one else wants to work there, or kill someone and take their uniform and name tag. In the future name tags are the ultimate form of identification, so if you have their name tag you're pretty much in like Flynn. If the person you killed has a wife you'll probably want to bang her too (Let's not hasty about this - Odovaucer, who was the future of women and wisely recoiled from it), so find out where he lives before you shove the knife through his eye.
So you're staying at a hotel or in a cardboard box, you've got a hat, and you just murdered a Mr. William Thespew Crenshaw. Life is good. But not that good, while your robot masters might not be able to detect the difference between one slab of meat and the next, they're still noticing some strange quirks in your behavior. It's time that you stop thinking that you know everything because you read part one of this four part update and kept reading.
First off 'e's are a thing of the past. That's right, they no longer use 'e's in the future. And you don't have to use them either. Make it into a game, every night you'll come home and before you bang Ms. William Thespew Crenshaw you'll say one sentence without any 'e's in it. Hell, you can even use words that would normally have 'e's in them, you just have to make it sound like they don't. For instance 'hell' would turn to 'hayll', women into womyn, and worm into wyrm because you just HAVE to spell it that way because whatever fantasy book you're reading right now does that.
Unfortunately things are not as simple as phasing a letter out of your everyday language. They've phased other things out of the future too, things like fishing rods. But the really complicated thing is getting used to all of the things that have gotten phased in. I wouldn't say them here because I for one have no idea what things have gotten phased in, I've never been to the future. And even if I had been to the future, the words are alien and complex, I could say that they now use ziziscopes for all of their cooking needs but you'd have no idea what a ziziscope was. Just know that next time someone mentions a ziziscope don't say: "I'm from the past, what's a ziziscope?"
Hip, cool, swiggy, down with it. Do these words sound familiar? They should; they're part of our everyday lingo. Just as the lingo in the nineteen-fifties is alien to us, so will our lingo seem alien to the people of tomorrow. I have compiled a list of the five most popular colloquialisms of the futurarions so that you'll have a better chance at fitting in.
Number five: "Down with the sickness"
After the great band wars Disturbed left most of its adversaries broken and homeless. Given its amazing victory and its now almost complete control over the WMR (World Music Recorders, don't worry, it's a future acronym) Disturbed decreed that March 9th would be sadness day, a day when everybody would be sad. They then decreed on March 9th that "Down with the sickness" would become synonymous with "chillin wit ma homedogs" (in our speech). A year later they copywrited that phrase and began charging royalties for each usage; no one saw it coming.
Number four: "Up with the sickness"
Rather than remembering a whole new list of words, the futurarians chose instead to change only one word in the saying. Up with the sickness beat out "Down with the Sphinxes" by a vote of 62 to 38.
Number three: "Cursing at birds"
That's not really the complete colloquialism, but it is used in so many different situations that it's hard to write out the complete saying. Suffice to say that it basically means "better than nothing", although its usage is strange. If someone were to say: "What do you think of ham and cheese?", you might respond by saying: "Aww man, it's like cursing at birds." Another valid response would be "You done cursing with the birds boy?" There are many others; you'll just have to find them for yourself.
Number two: "But mom, what about Billy?"
In the future all sitcoms were fused into a single twenty-four hour sitcom that played constantly on the sitcom channel. Since robots can't act or dance, humans had to play the parts. Each hour of the sitcom focused on different members of a huge fifty person family living in a luxurious mansion. Hour number fifteen is spent on Billy, Sandy, and Mom. No one can remember when the line "But mom, what about BIlly?" first appeared; in fact no one can really say if it actually ever came up during the show, but its existence is still attributed to hour fifteen. In the future it means nothing; it's just a snappy come-back. Like today's "your mom."
Number one: "Not without my eyepatch!"
Everyone wants to be a pirate in the future, it would be like everyone's dream today to be the CEO of a fortune 500 company. (Actually there far too many people today who wish they were pirates. Pro tip: wanting to be a pirate does not make you unique, interesting, or futuristic. It just makes me hate you more - Odovaucer) Pirates are seen as the economic elite because however modest the lifestyle of sailing around looting tankers is, it seems like riches compared to what fast food pays. "Not without my eyepatch!" is like saying "yeah right." It's a sharp barb that shows how skeptical you are of the situation. For instance, if your friend were to tell you that he could make loads of money eating pigeons for a carnival freakshow, an appropriate response might be something like: "Not without my eyepatch you wouldn't."
This is probably the easiest lesson to master. Have you ever seen really bad sci-fi movies where everyone in the future is wearing a uniform? Yes, that's right. I'm talking about those pure silver jumpsuits. That's what you wear; that's what everyone wears. That's the bad news. The good news is that unlike those infomercials that claim their product will help you get in shape while you sleep, this actually does. It also whitens your teeth and makes women want to have sex with you. Of course that last part is all hearsay; it could just be an all silver jumpsuit.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Thursday, February 17, 2005
The Twenty Third Annual Nudeist Colony Reunion Tour
Today's Nudeist Colony contains a list of referrer logs. As usual I have given date, time, resolved domain, IP address, the page viewed, and the page the reader was referred from. It should be taken for granted that all of these folks are English-speaking Americans using Windows and IExplore unless, of course, I tell you otherwise indicated. My snide comments will follow each entry. What is unusual about this week is the shocking variety of topics we'll cover. Things I never could have predicted showed up in our referrer lists. Enough suspense, how about we get started?
Sun Feb 6 01:55:06 2005
c-24-7-126-186.client.comcast.net
24.7.126.186
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=how to get electricity out of lemon&fr=FP-tab-web-t&toggle=1&ei=UT
How do you get electricity out of a lemon? I certainly don't know, and even if I took the time to learn I wouldn't share it with you people. That anyone would expect to find such information in a blog of all things is staggeringly ignorant.
Tue Feb 8 18:53:09 2005
English (Australia)
wolax9-236.dialup.optusnet.com.au
203.164.106.236
http://websearch.optusnet.com.au/search/optusnet?p=nudeist&submit=Search&y=
No, it isn't the preferred spelling Down Under either.
Tue Feb 8 23:01:29 2005
Netscape 5
c-67-163-157-186.client.comcast.net
67.163.157.186
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005_01_09_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.parseek.com/search/?q=sex 12-17 year old picturs&start=15
It is not legal to have pictures of twelve- to seventeen-year-olds having sex. This is not a secret. It is also illegal to have sex with twelve- to seventeen-year-olds if one is of the age of consent oneself. This is also emphatically not a secret. In fact both of these facts are quite well-publicized indeed. This fellow thought he found a way around these very necessary strictures. Pictures may be off-limits...but "picturs" aren't! Ingenious! Ingenious, but utterly moronic. Only in America, my dear readers, only in America. Most common in certain southerly sections of America.
Wed Feb 9 10:20:12 2005
68-185-222-233-rcp1.ubr2.wrbg.mo.charter.com
68.185.222.233
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2003_12_28_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=15 year old girl fuck pic&ei=UTF-8&fr=FP-tab-web-t&fl=0&x=wrt
Wow. What exactly is so appealing about fifteen year olds?
Wed Feb 9 13:08:01 2005
Japanese
YahooBB219033236187.bbtec.net
219.33.236.187
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://search.yahoo.co.jp/bin/query?p=nudeist&fr=top%2c top
In Japan it is okay to fantasize about having sex with small children. In Japan it is okay write about having sex with small children. In Japan it is okay to draw pictures of space aliens having sex with small children. In Japan it is okay to make animated films of space aliens having sex with small children. Japan is not a good place. Americans with positive feelings about Japan should be sent there, preferably having first been transformed into small children via cosmetic surgery. By sent, I really mean exiled. Or maybe ostracized. Today Japan has sunk to an even lower level of depravity. The level of "nudeists."
Thu Feb 10 19:07:09 2005
f5c110.gpcom.net
12.154.5.110
http://www.lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_08_22_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=download stripteasing videos&ei=UTF-8&fr=FP-tab-web-t&fl=0&x=wrt
I'm sure every Lemon Party tries to download stripteasing videos from us at some point. It's a perfectly natural urge; I mean, who wants to spend all that money on a real stripteasing or take the time to search the for free stripteasing videos. Well I guess this guy did, but he's just an outlier. Or something. Whatever, I've gabbed long enough for you to figure out that he's a moron. Moving on time.
Thu Feb 10 19:26:14 2005
4.7.22.85
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_10_17_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=lemonparty collection&ei=UTF-8&fr=slv1-fp&fl=0&x=wrt
No one, anywhere, has a Lemon Party collection, as this man discovered, much to his chagrin.
Thu Feb 10 22:41:02 2005
ool-18be720a.dyn.optonline.net
24.190.114.10
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_10_17_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=www.lemon-party.com&sp=1&ei=UTF-8
Why the hell would anyone use Google to search for a website whose name you already know? If you know a website's address you type it into the "Address Bar." Fucking rocket science.
Thu Feb 10 22:54:06 2005
c-24-1-250-146.client.comcast.net
24.1.250.146
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_02_01_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=Midi%2C I am a man of constant sorrows &ei=UTF-8&fr=FP-tab-web-t&f
He's looking for a song from the film "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?" in MIDI format. First up, never ever use the MIDI format. Second, never the use the fucking MIDI format. It obviously doesn't sound as good as any other recording format, and it has no uses that are not stupid uses. Using MIDI files as cell phone ringtones is stupid. They make you look stupid. In public. In front of your friends. In front of strangers. Using MIDI files in your web page is stupid. It makes you look stupid in front of the entire Internet. You put a MIDI in your blog or your web page and the entire Internet immediately knows that you're stupid. I do not exaggerate.
Fri Feb 11 14:43:00 2005
12.38.160.69
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/ http://www.webcrawler.com/info.wbcrwl/search/web/scary%25252Bpictures
Well this fellow came to right place.
Fri Feb 11 16:55:45 2005
host-65-81-247-40.lft.bellsouth.net
65.81.247.40
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p= to life to life la chaim lyrics&ei=UTF-8&fr=FP-tab-web-t&fl=0&x=w
This is quite something. Two people came to us searching for specific songs in one week. Interestingly these folks have different songs in mind and searching for different elements of those songs (One searcher desired a MIDI file, the other simply lyrics), and it's turtle_07's fault that they found us. Old turtle_07 has something of a penchant for posting song lyrics. Well his song lyric-posting addiction hasn't caused me as much righteous indignation as Carver Buns' tragic misspelling, but I'm worried. Can you imagine the sort of people who would come here expecting to get full and complete song lyrics?
Fri Feb 11 19:04:43 2005
pm867-37.dialip.mich.net
204.39.213.191
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_12_12_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=%22fat %2B Nudists%22&fr=logout
Generally when one searches for naked people one is actually looking for naked attractive people. The Internet resists words like "generally," "usually," and "legal." Unfortunately it also has a very difficult time kowtowing to things I associate with the word "hopefully." Hopefully we don't have anymore child molesters reading my updates. Hopefully people will learn how to "nudist" correctly. Hopefully there is a limit to the perversion, the utter depravity of cyberspace.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Trapped By turtle_07's Machinations In Grammar World
Last week I talked, for the second time, about spell-checking one's blog. I thought that was enough, but turtle_07 goaded me into explaining how to check one's spelling using Microsoft Word since not all blogging sites have their own spell-checking utilities. I thought for sure that would be enough, but once again turtle_07 reared his ugly head via poorly spelled comments: "Microsoft word costs monie [sic] so I don't own it. Please help."
Luckily he does have access to Google.com.
Using Google.com's handy search for the key words "free," "spell," and "check" I was able to find this site.
I then used that website to check the spelling of a sample passage.
The results seemed adequate enough.
However one should still keep in mind that this, like other spell checkers, is not enough on its own.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Friday, February 11, 2005
Past, Present... and Present
Oh my! I bet you were all expecting a wonderful update on surviving the future this week and kittens and puppy dogs and all sorts of other wonderful things. The truth is that the world isn't full of puppy dogs and kittens; it's full of sharks and bears... and also puppy dogs and kittens. But mostly sharks and bears. Not the endangered species of sharks and bears mind you, just the ones that breed like rabbits.
Anyway it appears that I've gone off on another tangent. Allow me to sum up that previous paragraph in a few words, making all of your reading (it was only a paragraph) useless: There are lots of bad things that can eat you. Maybe you haven't noticed, but I've been rather bitter through this past week so I will not be teaching you how to avoid being eaten, instead I'll teach you all how to be eaten. What a wacky twist of fate this is.
The most important thing to do when trying to attract wild animals is to find a smell that's pleasing to them. Unlike humans, who have heightened brain power, animals tend to have more powerful senses, smell in particular. "But turtle_07," you ask, "however is this useful?" I have a wonderful two word response for you: Barbecue Showers. That's right, instead of using clean natural water to clean yourself, use something that's $2.50 a pint. This will not only make you more pleasing to animals, but it will also make women (especially women who are bears) love you.
So you've covered yourself in barbecue sauce, but the animals still aren't calling? It's like high school all over again. Never fear, there's still hope. The next step is to take away the sea of asphalt. Bears hate asphalt, and sharks can't swim in it. Before you start telling me that you don't know anything about no stinking asphalt I got news for you buddy; the government as been using asphalt to build our roads since 1921, so don't be foolish. Like I was saying, this man-made wonder scares away the scary animals (like some sort of amazing animal repellent), so you need to move into the woods as soon as possible. Or an ocean. Once there remove all of your clothes and get a whole bunch of cuts all over your body. You should also act as meek and antelope-like as possible. You never know; there could be a lion nearby.
Are you being eaten yet? Odds are that you are. Next week we'll go over how to be attacked by wild alligators... IN THE FUTURE.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Newd 22
This is what I like to call a "Nudeist Colony." The Nudeist Colony is the my weekly update sharing the most interesting referrer logs of last week. That is, I'm showing you the sites from which people came to this page. As usual, all referrer logs are of English-speaking Americans using Windows and Internet Explorer, unless otherwise specified.
Wed Jan 26 12:06:31 2005
ool-18becf88.dyn.optonline.net
24.190.207.136
http://www.lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=nudeist pics&fr=my_top
This is the hip pervert's web search. No pictures here, no sir we're all about the "pics." Yes, apparently there are hip perverts. Can't say I'm surprised to discover that they cannot, in fact, spell.
Thu Jan 27 14:39:42 2005
static24-72-120-46.regina.accesscomm.ca
24.72.120.46
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_10_10_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search/msie?p=nudeist camps with pictures&o=1&m=i&a=fd&ei=UTF-8
Yes, he really did include the word "with" in his search. For those keeping score at home this is what I tend to refer to as "dumb." I think it's also interesting to note that he specified that his pictures be of nudeist camps. Maybe there's some sort of stigma associated with colonies. I can't imagine what the problem with nudeists outside of camps could be. Actually I know very well what the problem with "nudists" outside their camps is. Ugly naked people should be concentrated in camps far away from the public eye. But if you're specifically looking for "nudeists" you wouldn't really care where they were, would you? I don't get it, but I'm not dumb.
Thu Jan 27 13:30:55 2005
max1-15.progressivetel.com
209.221.41.238
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_10_17_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=nudeism&sm=Yahoo%21 Search&toggle=1&ei=UTF-8&pstart=1&fr=FP-tab-we
There seems to be a bottomless well of interest in nudeists and nudeism. God must really love me.
Thu Feb 3 15:14:45 2005
zone31-5.kctcs.edu
216.69.31.5
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=12 year old girl rape pics&sm=Yahoo%21 Search&toggle=1&ei=UTF-8&xa
I love my job. I love knowing that folks like this are among my loyal reader base. Simply looking at images of rape isn't enough for him. No, no, no, this guy needs it to be twelve-year-olds catching. Again I really don't see why eleven-year-olds and thirteen-year-olds are any worse than twelve-year-olds, but who am I to argue with paedophiles? Arguing with them means I need to come visit them at their cells.*
Fri Feb 4 23:46:18 2005
MacOS (MacPPC)
Netscape 5
lsanca1-ar6-4-65-109-075.lsanca1.dsl-verizon.net
4.65.109.75
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005/02/black-jack-colony-21-international.html
http://www.blogsearchengine.com/search.php?tab=blog&q=incest&p=2
Each Nudeist Colony brings in ever more wackjobs and nutcases. Even as I castigate them I lure more in. It's rather depressing, but I can't seem to stop myself. If you aren't familiar with BlogSearchEngine.com try using common sense. If that's still not enough, and you're unwilling to click the link (even though there is no objectionable material), it's a search engine specifically oriented on blogs. The search was for "incest," not "blogs" and "incest."
Fri Feb 4 21:09:02 2005
cacheproxy.lfc.edu
164.68.3.2
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=lemon party %2B pictures&fr=FP-tab-web-t&toggle=1&ei=UTF-8
If you were curious this search turned up zero results containing images of Lemon Party. We're the only result that even linked to the original site, and this guy was apparently asking "rest of series plz." Yes, I look at all results when I write these. Have a little more respect now? You probably just think I'm foolhardy. Well no, I've just developed a rather high tolerance for Internet awfulness. These features have helped, but you should know by now that I'm a cold, cold bastard.
Sat Feb 5 21:48:50 2005
pool-68-160-222-5.ny325.east.verizon.net
68.160.222.5
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004/10/bucket-of-warm-spit.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=Ari Rabin-Havt&ei=UTF-8&fl=0&xargs=0&pstart=1&fr=FP-tab-web-t&b=11
This is my favorite of this week's crop. You've probably forgotten why that particular name turned us up, and, frankly, I'm not surprised. Suffice to say that during my brief stint examining political blogs I perused the JohnKerry.com blog. One of the principal writers of that blog was none other than Mr. Ari Rabin-Havt. Unsurprisingly I said some things that were not overly nice. There the story ended. Until now. That searcher may very well have been Mr. Rabin-Havt himself. It's not like anyone else would bother searching for him, and he could have been somewhat miffed by the unkind things I wrote. We could be experiencing some sizeable drama quite soon. In fact he may have already sent a rather nasty email, which I will publish tomorrow with my snarky comments appended. Check back to this space for further information.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
*Yes I know it's wishful thinking to assume all the pedos are in prison. Please, spare me my self-deceit; it's all that keeps me going on.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
I Put a Grammar on You
Last week we premiered the series on increasing technical proficiency with the English language. If you missed it you can find the update here. Hopefully none of you learned anything new, but I never can tell with you bloggers. turtle_07 brought up a somewhat interesting point via comments: "But what aboat [sic] things that don't have spell checkers?"
That's a rather stupid question, but then the piece was intended for rather stupid people. In other words, you. Since I have long since learned to assume the worst with you all I shall now present a brief guide to spell checking without the benefit of the tools provided by Blogger and LiveJournal.
Allow me to introduce you to my good friend Microsoft Word.
Microsoft Word has a handy dandy function that allows you to check the spelling and grammar of everything you've written. Essentially what you want to do is type up your entry in MS Word, run the spell check and then copy and paste the entry into the little box where you typically enter the loathsome drivel that passes for your blog. Hopefully the diagram below will be enough to point out the location of that that useful little tool.
Once you run the spellchecker you'll probably get a screen that looks something like this.
Take a look at the suggestions, but remember that they aren't always right.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
The Black Jack Colony: 21 International Nudeists
Today I am publishing a "Nudeist Colony." This is the time each week that I show off some of the more interesting paths readers took to reach this site. As usual, all referrer logs are of English-speaking Americans using Windows and Internet Explorer, unless otherwise specified. What is unusual about today's Nudeist Colony is that none of the logs are of Americans. This week has been a particularly multicultural one for Lemon Party, and I wanted to give you a taste of the international flavor. The first six are all, incidentally, within two hours of each other.
Tue Jan 25 08:04:09 2005
Dutch (Netherlands)
a80-126-155-209.adsl.xs4all.nl
80.126.155.209
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://www.google.nl/search?hl=nl&q=LEMON PARTY&lr=
Is Lemon Party the name of a drug now? Or are there just crazy fuckers out there in Europe with an interest old men getting physical?
Tue Jan 25 08:09:35 2005
English (Ireland)
Netscape 5
82.141.228.98
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://www.google.ie/search?client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial_s&hl=en&q=lemon par
Traditionally when Irish are associated with a fixation on drinking beer.
Tue Jan 25 08:45:52 2005
Polish
byf236.neoplus.adsl.tpnet.pl
83.30.25.236
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://www.google.pl/search?hl=pl&q=lemon party&btnG=Szukaj z Google&lr=
There are a lot jokes about Poles being stupid. This one was smart enough to read three pages of our stuff. Actually he was probably looking for sexy images of elderly man performing sexual acts, in which case he was a bit of an imbecile.
Tue Jan 25 09:02:17 2005
Finnish
GYMMMDCCCI.dsl.saunalahti.fi
85.77.24.203
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://www.google.fi/search?hl=fi&q=Lemon party&meta=
Apparently you can access the Internet from Finland now. Who knew?
Tue Jan 25 09:28:57 2005
Japanese
i219-164-112-189.s02.a007.ap.plala.or.jp
219.164.112.189
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2003_12_07_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.co.jp/bin/query?p=nudeist&fr=top%2c top
Apparently even the Japanese are unable to spell their fetishes words correctly. Most of my surprise comes from the fact that this fellow is searching for "nudeists" rather than "anime death tentacle rape porn hentai bukkake underage incest rape cartoon rape rape rape."
Tue Jan 25 09:47:01 2005
French (Canada)
205.237.30.94
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://www.google.ca/search?hl=en&q=lemon party&meta=
Thu Jan 27 13:36:30 2005
Swedish
h94n6c1o1124.bredband.skanova.com
81.228.157.94
http://www.google.se/search?hl=sv&q=lemonparty&meta=
Thu Jan 27 14:35:50 2005
Norwegian (Nynorsk)
062249184216.customer.alfanett.no
62.249.184.216
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://www.resultsifter.com/search?p=Q&lang=en&ts=ne&w=www.lemon party.no
Apparently Norway has its own private Lemon Party. Actually it doesn't, but this guy seemed to think so.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Exits won't be lit
Today has not been a very good week for me. To start off, my previous entry was pretty bad, and then, to back up even further, the entry before that had a grammar mistake in it! Add in the fact that the last two sentences have made less sense than a turkey dinner without mashed potatoes, and I think that I owe all of you fine folks an apology and an explanation... well an explanation at least. I'm addicted to crystal meth.
Not really, but the truth is much more boring. And as we all know boring things are boring and such should not be used for entertainment. Which is in fact what this is blog is, entertainment. That and a way of life. A way of life for you, I don't need any Internet king on his high horse telling me how to blog. But enough about my musings, this update is about you, and what you can do to make your life better in the year 3000.
That's right my dear friends, as many of you might (but probably don't) remember I ran a short (three entries, you can find them here) series about how to survive the future. And as many of you might remember it ended abruptly and without reason. You can all stop emailing me (I don't actually receive any emails... ever) about it, I wasn't forced into silence by the government or space aliens... or even a government comprised of space aliens. The sad truth is that I stopped writing those updates because every one of our future cadets died... apparently they didn't read my updates (or they did). Anyway as we're currently sending 15 new cadets to the future I thought I'd start up doing "How to survive the future" again. So without further introduction:
It is my belief that one of the reasons why our cadets did so poorly was a conjunction of two things. One) The fact that they didn't read my updates and 2) The fact that my updates didn't take into consideration other time traveling cadets. Hence my current (in the present, not the future) update on how to survive the past, or other time traveling cadets from now (the present, but the past in the future).
Scratch that.
They're after your precious food and laser ray guns. And even if they're not, you can still beat them up and take their precious food and laser ray guns (don't try and fight them if they actually have laser ray guns).
Remember, if it ends up that you picked a fight with a super strong homeless person or another cadet (or anyone really) with a laser ray gun you have a few options. The first of course being run, but that one is for pussies, and you're not a pussy, right? The other option is actually just common sense. If you can't see them then they can't see you. Immediately throw your hands over your eyes; the later you do this the more chance there'll be that they'll be able to find you. Once you're sure trouble has passed, take your hands off your eyes, but be sure to wait at least five minutes. They might be lying in wait.
This one is pretty self explanatory
That's all for today class, any questions?
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
In the Grammar Slammer
Last week I told you I'd be helping you out with the basic building blocks of your blog entries: the words you use. I'm going to help you figure out how to spell them correctly, how to put them in the appropriate order, and even which words to use. The hardest part is deciding where to start, since you, my readership, are all at very different levels of verbal acuity. As you may know by now there was a comma missing from one of turtle_07's recent posts. Specifically he wrote "bow to us peons" when, most likely, his intention was to declare "bow before us, peons." Without the comma the phrase implies that he himself is a peon, not you, his audience." Congratulations are due for "morning belle," the only with the grammatical chops and intestinal fortitude to mention it.
As to the rest of you, well some of you don't even speak English. Therefore I think we need to start pretty basic. That means lesson one will be about gerunds. That's a joke. Did you laugh? I didn't. That's because it wasn't funny. Writing is serious business, there is no room for humor in matters such as these. You thought protecting yourself from squirrels was a grim endeavor? You have not seen anything yet.
Actually our first lesson is going to be so ridiculously simple that you might suspect that I churned this out at the very last moment, which would be utterly calumnious and false. We're going to start with the single most basic technique for improving the quality of your blogging: the spell checker.
I now present an image of a sample blog with the spellcheck button highlighted.
I hope that's clear enough. Next we have a simulation of what could happen if you were to click that spellcheck button.
Notice that in this case the primary suggestion is most likely the correct answer. This is the case in this situation, but do not be so brash as to assume that the first result is always the best. Oftentimes the best fit is not the first result, but instead a later possibility, it might even be completely unlisted. The primary function of the spell checker is the identifying of problems. The fixing of those problems is entirely in your hands. Of course the spell checker is not infallible, and you should also proofread your work yourself. I know it sounds like a lot of work, but it could save you considerable embarrassment. Or it could if you weren't utterly shameless in your rampant stupidity, you incredibly dense mongoloids. Is there nothing you can grasp for yourselves?
Of course proofreading isn't perfect either, but do what you can. The effort will serve you well in the long run. I now present an image that points out the spell checking function of livejournal, just in case that's the chosen medium of your awful whining, pointless bluster, and atrocious homework assignments.
That's all for this update. Tune in next time when we take the next step.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.