Lemon Party
Friday, September 30, 2005
Cellars of IMDb: Corey Feldman is No Longer Addicted to Heroin
Hiya kids, it's time to get meet another Hollywood freakshow. This week we're going to deal with a young actor named Corey Feldman. Normally I tend to get rather excited in my heartfelt outwellings of praise. Not so this week. You see, no writer, not I, not Homer, not Shakespeare, not Hemingway, no one can sing Corey Feldman's praises better than Corey Feldman himself. From IMDb's quotes page:
"I'm more than an actor. I'm an icon, an industry."
"I was famous before I knew my own name."
Now there is some truth to these statements. Feldman does not quite qualify as an industry, but he is an icon. He wasn't exactly famous before he knew is own name, but he did begin his acting career at the age of three, and by the end of the 80's he was one of the two biggest teen stars in the world. It is possible that he was famous while he did not know his name, considering his heroin problem that culminated in an arrest in the early nineties, but that was certainly not before he knew his name.
Today he's probably most recognizable as either the moody ex-child star on the first season of Vh1's Surreal Life
or as the adorable bratty Mouth in The Goonies.
The Goonies typified his early Hollywood work: smart alecky little brats.
He got out of commercials and into television in the late 70's with roles in The Bad News Bears and Mork and Mindy.
In 1981 he had a minor role in the animated The Fox and the Hound, but didn't grace the silver screen again until 1984, when he had a leading role in the thankfully forgotten Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter and a minor part in the cult classic Gremlins.
The next year was The Goonies and another terrible Friday the 13th sequel, and the year after brought us Rob Reiner's timeless Stand By Me.
A classic coming-of-age tale, Stand By Me follows four boys (Wil Wheaton, the late River Phoenix, the aforementioned Feldman, and a surprisingly Rubenesque eleven-year-old Jerry O'Connell in his first movie role) as they travel cross country in search of the missing body of a local boy. The boys are forced to contend with a rival group of older boys led by Kiefer Sutherland.
Stand By Me is one of those movies that is somehow greater than the sum of its parts, and all its parts are very strong on their own. Phoenix is the only one of the boys to achieve any sort of critical acclaim outside this picture; the others are roundly panned at every turn, and O'Connell is the only one to produce any noteworthy work in this millennium, none of which was well received. Yet somehow Reiner somehow evoked arresting portrayals out of all of them, and managed to weave the performers, the story, and the very setting together into a tapestry of nostalgia. If you see one Corey Feldman movie, make it this.
Stand By Me was the apex of our subject's career, he jumped the shark with next year's The Lost Boys.
The Lost Boys was a tight mixture of horror and black comedy, and was the beginning of the Corey Feldman/Corey Haim partnership which would last through seven movies of ever decreasing popularity and artistic merit.
None of their collaborations could really be considered bearable to a modern audience, but the two quickly became the highest paid teen stars of the 80's on the backs of these things, but the most recent of these were straight to video numbers, as were most of both Coreys' projects.
1987's The Lost Boys
1988's License to Drive
1989's Dream a Little Dream
1992's Blown Away
1994's Last Resort
1995's Dream a Little Dream 2
1996's Busted (directed by the Feldster himself!)
As Feldman's fame quickly spiraled away he found himself addicted to heroin,
forging questionable friendships,
and taking advantage of whatever TV guest star opportunities he could get, including, but not limited to:
Sliders
Son of the Beach
Greg the Bunny
All that aside, his primary duty in the 90's was in his role as Rock God and lead singer of the aptly named Corey Feldman Band.
I would call him an ironic rock star much in the vein of William Shatner, but there's a fundamental difference. Shatner we know he gets it, that he's in on the joke. We're completely certain of it, but still there's this nagging doubt that maybe, just maybe, he still believes in himself. With Feldman there is no doubt in anyone's mind that he really does think of himself as a talented rock and roll star. He isn't. He really, really isn't. There are mp3s out there if you're curious, but let me tell you now, it isn't worth it.
There's really only worthwhile thing Corey's done since the 80's. He provided the voice of a character I greatly respect.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Thirty-Three Nudeists in a Barrel Are not as Much Fun as a Barrel that Is Full of Monkeys
Today's Nudeist Colony is dedicated to the hookah. This Nudeist Colony, like all Nudeist Colonies, contains a number of listings. Each entry contains the actual data of an Internet browser who stopped by our illustrious website. As usual I have given date, time, resolved domain, IP address, the page viewed, and the page the reader was referred from. All users are assumed to be English-speaking Americans using Windows and IExplore unless otherwise indicated. My comments follow each entry.
It's been a while since we've done this, but I haven't kept up with the referrer logs these long dark months, so don't expect the best Nudeist Colony ever.
Thu Sep 15 01:49:18 2005
Netscape 5 186-147-222-203.rev.techex.net.au
203.222.147.186
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005/02/if-you-had-twenty-three-nudeists-and.html
http://www.technorati.com/search/D%26D
One little argument about Dungeons and Dragons, and suddenly it becomes a hot button search topic. Ironically they turn up previous Nudeist Colony entries about previous searches for "D&D" rather the actual debate. One day perhaps I shall be writing a Nudeist Colony about someone came here to this Nudeist Colony about that Nudeist Colony about those posts about role-playing games. How delightfully recursive.
Thu Sep 15 08:46:22 2005
pool-71-241-43-90.nrflva.east.verizon.net
71.241.43.90
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_10_17_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=nudeist colony&btn=Yahoo%21 Search&tab=Web&fr=my-vert-web-top
To figure out what a nudeist colony is, one must first establish what a nudeist is. Last time I mistakenly gave the definition for Death Star and not nudeist. My humblest apologies. A nudeist is actually a beast from Greek mythology. It is a fearsome monster with a serpent for a tail, breathed fire, and had both a lion head and a goat head. Luckily it was slain by Bellerophon and Pegasus. The term "nudeist" is also used metaphorically to mean either an irrational fear or an unrealistic scheme, a castle in the clouds, if you will.
A nudeist colony is therefore most likely either a doomed effort at colonization or a community of monsters.
Thu Sep 15 09:02:15 2005
24.115.169.48.res-cmts.dan.ptd.net
24.115.169.48
http://www.lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://searchresults.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=advancedFind.results&websearch=1&spotId= 1
So it appears we've broken onto Myspace, which is only appropriate since Myspace has long since broken onto our pages. Strangely enough I am unable to ascertain how this fellow made that leap from their pages to ours. At this writing there are zero links from Myspace to Lemon Party. Apparently our fan lost his taste for us, or shut down his account, or who knows what else. Regardless, I think we may yet have another shot at that market. I think we may be revisiting the subject soon in fact. Stay tuned, etc.
Fri Sep 16 11:49:52 2005
Netscape 5
207-105-82-139.ded.pacbell.net
207.105.82.139
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005/02/newd-22.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=Nudeist Camps&sm=Yahoo%21 Search&fr=FP-tab-web-t&toggle=1&cop=&ei=
I suspect a Nudeist Camp is rather similar to a Nudeist colony, except perhaps a bit more playful and lighthearted. I imagine they tell ghost stories and go on hikes and that sort of thing. It's a probably a lot of fun for some of the little tykes, but absolutely miserable for others, even though their parents keep sending them back year after year to suffer the same tortures again and again because Daddy doesn't love me. Sob.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Friday, September 23, 2005
This is the Modern Way
Hi there. Welcome to the show. Today I’m going to make a grievous mistake for your edification and enjoyment. Yes, there will be pictures.
Take a look at the screen in front of you. On it you will see words and images, no? In fact it should look something like this:
You may notice that in the upper right-hand corner there resides a button labeled “NEXT BLOG.” Perhaps you’ve investigated this button yourself, but perhaps not. Essentially what it does is redirect your browser to another blog hosted on Blogspot.
You could go find yourself reading just about anything with just the click of a button. At least that’s the theory. Let’s take a look at what actually happens.
Ignoring that image for the moment, let’s be impulsive and click away. Our first result is a little number called The Conway.
She capitalized every word. Every single fucking word. I tried to read it, but couldn’t manage to slog through the entire wasteland of pointless capitalizations and stream-of-consciousness stupidity. My advice is to try using transitions and think about spacing. No ellipses don’t count as either….In fact most bloggers should probably just not use the ellipsis at all. The vast majority of the usages I’ve seen have been completely wrong-headed and utterly counter-productive. If you’re not retarded you should be able to use the device properly, but do not for a moment assume that you qualify for that distinction.
She also has dozens of fashion photographs with inspid little comments, and apparently a collaborator who seems to be the entire target audience of each post and does not actually contribute anything herself. Whatever. Obviously there’s nothing worthwhile, and I wish mightily that I had not come here. So of course the obvious choice is to hit NEXT BLOG again.
Oh great, a naked baby. I needed this. Really, I did. This family has chronicled the little brat’s entire existence, starting from damn near fucking conception, on the Internet. For anyone to see thanks to that handy handy NEXT BLOG button. They’re presenting his virginal ass to an Interwebnation Superhighway full of pederasts. Great planning there, folks. Seriously, can’t you use regular photo hosting for your self-indulgent obsession? I’ll admit the little fucker’s cute in some of the picture, but not everyone wants to see your two years of constant baby photography. Jesus, read a book, watch a movie, I don’t care, just do something else. For once.
AGAIN!
Apparently there really are people too stupid to get join the army, but luckily there’s still hope that they can forcibly remove themselves from the gene pool for God and country. Damn, I love the Internet. I’m also glad to know that reading Macbeth will help me join the army. Cuz I sure as hell can’t think of any other reason to read it.
One. More. Time!
Oh well. Seems a little strange that he would have English language advertisements in his Spanish language blog. Whatever.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Monday, September 19, 2005
Wolves in rearview mirror may be more rabid than they actually appear
Have you ever been chased by wild (possibly rabid) wolves through a forest for a good ten minutes only to discover that they were actually wild and rabid dogs? If you have then you'd know what my entire life has been like. Well, actually, to be totally honest not my entire life. Just last Tuesday when I was chased through the woods by what appeared to be wild wolves who turned out to just be rabid dogs. Stupid I know but everyone makes a mistake now and again.
To be totally honest I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. One of them was ignoring this very fine and very not dead blog. I even had this whole "we're not yet dead" update planned (and partially written) until I lost interest and decided I'd finish it later. Well, in case you can’t tell by now later will never come and you'll never get a chance to read what could very well have been the greatest update in our short existence (or very easily the worst). Which got me thinking: why do I ditch updates anyway? I mean I have a good deal of them sitting in the Lemon Party vault that will never see the light of day. Either half done or just no longer relevant (I thought that bashing Nixon would never go out of style... Odovaucer put me in my place) these updates sit and stew in their own filth until such a day when the great purging comes. As that day has not yet come, I invite you all to read my first ever clip show. Today's episode: Broken Dreams.
Our first little clip comes from 7/23/2004. Titled "Guide to Yourself" this was my way of lashing out at those people who always "get tired of arguing" because "they're right" or some other such rubbish. Oh yeah, it was also my way of striking out at Odovaucer for being a really mean person :( .
In case you can read Odovaucer has gotten increasingly bitter. No really, he has. Just read his two updates and all of his comments. Attacking me with bitter jabs of bitterness and then (after I misread his update) he goes and misreads my comments, where he goes and automatically assume that I was defending DND. I would continue on but hell, let's keep our personal feelings out of it (even if Odovaucer is a big doo doo head).
Take That Odovaucer! My amazing wit and eloquent writing style strike again!
That's not the entire update, it was pretty long and hell, we're not here to make you read four updates in one, we're here to... I don't know. Party hard?
Moving on, we have a touching and heartfelt update from 7/30/2004 entitled "The continuing story of Peru." There was a chance that we may have had to get rid of one of my dogs (Peru, duh). In my update I wanted to outline how much I loved her and what her life had been like. Luckily nothing bad happened and that update was discarded like so many urine soaked sheets.
I first saw Peru when I was around 10 or 11, perhaps even as old as twelve. I really don't know, it was somewhere in that time period. We were at the SPCA, looking for another dog so that our only dog, Juno, wouldn't be lonley at day when I went to school and my mother and boyfriend went to work (parents were split up by that point). They had already looked a certain saint bernard, a small runt of the litter, a pathetic little thing with so much hair falling out that we thought that she was a short-haired saint bernard. Her name was Peruvia (Perusia?), and she didn't like to be touched. No she didn't nip us when we tried to pet her, but she shied away from all human contact...
There's more, it was a very very long paragraph but for your sake I've cut it down.
Moving onto to our third and final clip (no, this wasn't all of them) which was made on 3/01/2005 and titled: "what's the password?"
We've had a long and illustrious history here at Lemon Party, we've gone over so many topics it's hard to recount them all. There's going up, going down, getting out, sliding in, escaping, leaning towards the middle, and who could forget falling down. Actually, we've discussed all of them but one: Sliding in. We've had our ups and downs when we've attempted to raise the level of writing on average blogs while my writing quality went down. We've fallen down when a week would go by with only a single entry. I've escaped judgment (narrowly I might add) by blaming many of our escapades on Odovaucer. And we've leaned towards the middle in an attempt to find fantastic comedy that didn't necessarily revolve around blogs.
But where does sliding in fit into that huge jumble of a paragraph? In truth it doesn't belong there (certain sentences excluded), it belongs here, in this paragraph. We've done a lot but we haven't exactly explained how to slide into your own little internet niche. In this update we'll not only show you how, we'll show you how!
I think that this update was a (not so) clever way to apologize to all of you for not putting any effort into half of my updates. I mean there's more past this point but I think that anyone can tell that it's just a tag on trying to make it a real update. Or maybe it wasn't. I'm not reading all of it and if you've ever made it this far you must be pretty dumb for not doing something more productive with your time than reading through crappy old updates. That or insanely smart. You're speed reading our blog while sipping your cappuccino and projecting thoughts to everyone in a 10 mile radius. "I do say, those chaps at Lemon Party certainly don't fully understand quantum mechanics, Uhurumph harrah."
Hey, fuck you buddy. I'm out.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Friday, September 16, 2005
Cellars of IMDb: Sean Astin Isn't Actually Anywhere Near as Pudgy as You Think He Is
It's Friday, and this is the Cellars of IMDb. Each week we'll profile a differ actor's career, primarily through film stills. Last time we concluded with Brendan Fraser at the unfortunate Pauly Shore vehicle, Encino Man. We're starting not with the obvious choice, Mr. Shore himself, but a less likely costar, one Sean Astin.
You're probably quite familiar with Sean Astin, but I'm guessing it's only recently that you were able to atach a name to this face.
Specifically you know him from this context.
There he is, in all his pudgy glory. He's not actually that portly though. It’s just the special effects.
Okay, so it wasn’t special effects, but look: he’s clearly much than both Peter Jackson and John Cleese. That’s got to count for something, right? More importantly, he put on at least thirty-five pounds for that role. Take a look at an earlier Astin.
And here he is after The Lord of the Rings in the 50 First Dates.
Not so chubbster after all? It is something of pity that he has gotten the vast majority of the attention he is likely ever to receive while he was 35-40 pounds heavier than normal. You see Sean Astin has been quietly been building up a respectable Hollywood resumé for more than twenty years. He’s the consummate supporting actor for the majority of those years. Even his big break was as Samwise Gamgee, possibly the single greatest embodiment of the term “supporting character” ever seen on the silver screen. Literally and figuratively, Gamgee supports his master, Frodo Baggins. Astin has become the master of playing truthfully without stealing any of the focus. You might have seen him in any of the following films, but I guarantee you don’t remember him.
Encino Man
Safe Passage
Courage Under Fire
Bulworth
The exception is 50 First Dates because you probably saw LOTR first, and because Doug Whitmore is one of the most memorable characters Astin’s ever played. Aggressive pint-sized bodybuilders with lisps are going to stick in your mind. That’s just how it works.
Similarly his work on the television series “Jeremiah” would be memorable had anyone watched the show.
How could it fail, a post-apocalyptic comic book adaptation with a cast of former TV stars? Somehow it managed to last three seasons, 2002-04, with Sean Astin appearing as Mr. Smith, the prophet of Fractal Theory, in the second and third.
Now, Astin hasn’t been just minor characters all his life. In fact his very first role was a leading one. The aptly titled “Please Don’t Hit Me Mom,” an after-school special, presented a young Astin being savagely abused by his real life mom, Patty Duke. They were only acting. Acting, in fact, ran in the family. Sean’s father is the legendary John Astin (Gomez on the Addams Family).
Most of his starring roles have been in films that have withstood the test of time no better than that picture. We’re talking megahits like Toy Soldiers (costarring Wil Wheaton!) and Boy Meets Girl and made-for-TV movies like “Harrison Bergeron.”
All three have their niches and small but very much present fanbases. One is actually a great film. It shouldn’t come as a great surprise that the seminal story by the living legend Kurt Vonnegut Jr. is the basis of the actually worthwhile picture. That would be “Harrison Bergeron,” if you’re not familiar with the story you probably should see about remedying that as soon as possible.
This is one of those adaptations that seem a little controversial because the film makes makes no effort to mirror the original story. Instead the filmmakers chose to respond to the original work with a wholly new piece of art, but one that remains very much true to the spirit of Vonnegut’s cynical story about the value of equality in the modern world.
It’s generally foolish to try to make as true an adaptation of a piece of writing as possible, but it is especially ludicrous to attempt it with piece by Vonnegut. The beauty of his writing has nothing to do with his stories, which are delightfully absurdist and usually bitingly satirical. There are an awful lot of folks out there that can write satire and absurdity. Nobody writes like Vonnegut. His style is iconic. Nobody can do it as well, but that certainly isn’t enough to stop them from trying. It’s difficult to describe quite what makes it so special. His presentation is perhaps best described as “artfully artless.” His writing is generally simple, perhaps even simplistic, at times it seems like the narrator might even be a little bit retarded. It’s perfect. The incredible casualness of his writing is a thing to behold. It seems as if anyone could have just tossed off such a piece of fluff. Yet no one else seems to be able to do it so beautifully as Vonnegut has for so long.
There’s no way to translate that to film, and the filmmakers behind “Harrison Bergeron” wisely don’t even try. Instead they make a surprisingly solid film that will never grace the cinema screen and is sadly nigh impossible to obtain today.
I think I’m going to start crying if I write anything else about “Harrison Bergeron, so we’re going to end on something upbeat.
Astin starred in two, count them two, major motion pictures before LOTR. The first is the inspirational, based-on-a-true-story football film Rudy.
Sean Astin plays Rudy, a lad who dreams of playing ball for Notre Dame.
He journeys through great adversity to make the team.
There’s a climactic game at the end of movie. Guess how it turns out?
Hooray football.
The second of Astin’s major leading roles should need no introduction.
The Goonies. Fucking fuck yeah.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
The Great Void and the Great Reclaiming
Two days ago it was Sunday, a day of rest. I was resting, as is my wont on Sunday, the day of rest. This was not, however, your typical day of rest. This was Patriot Day™! “What, pray tell, is Patriot Day™?” you may be asking. You wouldn’t actually ask that because you aren’t the sort of person who says things like “pray tell,” but that’s not really the point at hand. The point is that you have no idea what Patriot Day is. It’s not because you’re a knuckle-dragging mouth-breather (though it’s quite likely that you are, in fact, a knuckle-dragging mouth-breather). Why, I myself had no idea there was such a thing as Patriot Day™ until a calendar rudely rubbed my face in my own foul-smelling ignorance.
Patriot Day™, you see, is a celebration of September 11, 2001. Basically, President George W. Bush was just so tickled that a couple of planes crashed into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon that he wanted to immortalize the great sacrifice made by Mohammed Atta et al. So he made the day a holiday in honor of their patriotic efforts, and named it, appropriately enough, Patriot Day™. Here’s to Mohammed Atta, a real American hero.
So why am telling you all this? Is it because I think you’ll actually absorb something pertinent? Heavens no! Is it because I think this is an important matter to discuss in great detail? Of course not! Perhaps it’s because Mohammed Atta is a real American hero. Don’t be ridiculous! It could be because I just plain love to write about holidays. But it isn’t! Maybe it’s because I’m so drunk that this seemed like a perfectly reasonable idea? I’m not sure, but I don’t think so; I mean it seems a little contrived!! Or how about this: is it because the earliest post on Lemon Party was from Patriot Day™, 2001? Yes, that is correct. (!)
What can I say; I was feeling a little nostalgic for that simpler time when airplanes and towers would just run into each other willy-nilly. A time when you could turn on your computer, hop onto the Interwebnation Superhighway, and find something new to read at Lemon Party. You may have thought those days were gone for good. They weren’t. They’re back, and with a vengeance.
For too long bloggers have been able to publish their fruitless, semi-literate whining for all the world to see. This is the end of those days. No longer will individuals such as this be free to do as they would.
Look at her, serene in her self-serving misery. No longer, I say! No longer. The day of reckoning is at hand. Welcome back, our guiding light. Welcome back, Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks, and that's not right.
Monday, September 12, 2005
It Is Time
Regular updates start tomorrow. Gird thyself.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.