Past, Present... and Present
Oh my! I bet you were all expecting a wonderful update on surviving the future this week and kittens and puppy dogs and all sorts of other wonderful things. The truth is that the world isn't full of puppy dogs and kittens; it's full of sharks and bears... and also puppy dogs and kittens. But mostly sharks and bears. Not the endangered species of sharks and bears mind you, just the ones that breed like rabbits.

Anyway it appears that I've gone off on another tangent. Allow me to sum up that previous paragraph in a few words, making all of your reading (it was only a paragraph) useless: There are lots of bad things that can eat you. Maybe you haven't noticed, but I've been rather bitter through this past week so I will not be teaching you how to avoid being eaten, instead I'll teach you all how to be eaten. What a wacky twist of fate this is.

The most important thing to do when trying to attract wild animals is to find a smell that's pleasing to them. Unlike humans, who have heightened brain power, animals tend to have more powerful senses, smell in particular. "But turtle_07," you ask, "however is this useful?" I have a wonderful two word response for you: Barbecue Showers. That's right, instead of using clean natural water to clean yourself, use something that's $2.50 a pint. This will not only make you more pleasing to animals, but it will also make women (especially women who are bears) love you.

So you've covered yourself in barbecue sauce, but the animals still aren't calling? It's like high school all over again. Never fear, there's still hope. The next step is to take away the sea of asphalt. Bears hate asphalt, and sharks can't swim in it. Before you start telling me that you don't know anything about no stinking asphalt I got news for you buddy; the government as been using asphalt to build our roads since 1921, so don't be foolish. Like I was saying, this man-made wonder scares away the scary animals (like some sort of amazing animal repellent), so you need to move into the woods as soon as possible. Or an ocean. Once there remove all of your clothes and get a whole bunch of cuts all over your body. You should also act as meek and antelope-like as possible. You never know; there could be a lion nearby.

Are you being eaten yet? Odds are that you are. Next week we'll go over how to be attacked by wild alligators... IN THE FUTURE.


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 9:51 PM