My name is Ozymandias king of kings, look upon my works ye mighty and tremble
It's been a while, but don't think that I've forgotten you brave soldiers of fortune, venturing into the future with little more than an unfinished guide. Yes, you are the real heroes in life, and it is for that reason that I am continuing the "How to Survive the Future" series.

I believe when last we met our heroes, they were in the future with no money, no home, and only a vague idea about what sort of weapon to use. Yes, last time we left them they were in a sad state indeed. More than likely over half of them have died because of a lack of sufficient housing. The rest probably figured out the tips and tricks on their own. Even so I think that this part of the series is still needed.

Surviving The Future Part 3:
Finding Proper Shelter

Before I begin the update if you will notice how much more swank the title of the update is. I mean damn straight is it good looking. If it wasn't good looking I wouldn't do it, but damn is it sexy. Mmmm if it was a fine woman I would totally be sending her to the future right now if you catch my drift, and I once again don't think you do unless you read my previous update, and damn is this a long sentence.

Enough ofmy witty banter, (Thank the Christ, amirite? - Odovaucer) you want to learn where to sleep and I want to write it in an amusing manner. Right? Who cares about your opinion anyway; just shut up and read it.

Cardboard Boxes: It's a fact of life; no matter where you go there will always be cardboard boxes. Even in the future where everything is futuristic and you'd think that there would be no need for cardboard they're still there. Don't get me wrong though, there's no need for cardboard and the use of cardboard for packaging is now illegal by the law BT82.01Q, but the city still feels the need to spread cardboard boxes for old times sake. I can't tell you the exact reason now (it would cause temporal paradox), but if you're ever in the future visit a local library and you'll find out. It's really quite interesting. Anyway, as I was saying, they don't provide much shelter and they don't come with complimentary breakfast, but hell, anything is better than lying outside without protection, especially when the city kills all unhoused persons after 2:00 AM.

Abandoned buildings: These are just a step up from cardboard boxes. While they will give you better protection and a nicer place to stay, let's face it, they were abandoned for a reason. Whether it's a rat infestation, zombie quarantine, or asbestos, there's a reason no one is currently using it and why it's not locked. Unless you enjoy playing French Polynesian roulette it's probably not worth staying in an abandoned building.

The House of your Future relative: Everyone has relatives, and whether you're mooching off them in the present or in the future not much changes. However just because not much changes don't assume that nothing changes at all, there are a few things that you may want to look out for. First off, in the past whenever you mooched off a deadbeat relative they would normally clean the house themselves as you would lie on the couch and talk about getting a job. In the future tiny robots clean your house, and they won't have any of your BS. If you even so much as mention the word 'job' to a tiny robot (one under 3 feet) it'll totally flip out and kill you. Kind of like a ninja. However, if the robot is over three feet but below 5 feet it'll give you a backrub. If the robot happens to be over five feet then it'll sorta sigh and then go up to its room (yes robots have rooms) to cry. Besides the robot though, there is absolutely nothing else that you need to know about staying in a relatives house in the future. The hard part will be tracking down your relative and... Oh that's right. Also, when you go to the future, don't stay in the living room past 11 PM... it could get... well... weird.

Pocket Dimensions: If you've ever seen one of those crazy anime shows or read any science fiction books you'd know that pocket dimensions can and do exist. They even exist here, now, in the present (past) they're just hard to find, and even harder to enter. Luckily for you, though, in the future all the pocket dimensions changed color, from invisible to green. So if you ever see something green odds are that it's a pocket dimension. To enter it you just walk into it, for instance if you see a green dog just walk into him and you'll probably end up in the pocket dimension... I think. Anyway a few things that you want to look out for are people who are already in the dimension, as they might be psychotic hobos. (But if they're in pocket dimensions doesn't that mean they're no longer technically hobos? Or is this one of those Future things? - A confused Odovaucer) Oh yea, and watch out for space beavers, they're vicious.

Free Motels: Like the name implies they're free. They're also clean, have cable, and come with a complimentary breakfast... to be honest I'm not even why I have this list at all...




And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 9:48 PM