The Return of Patches, Lord of Leaves: Verily Thy Insidious Wait is Concluded
Welcome to part three of the Lemon Party Guide to Squirrels. Previous installments can be found here and here.

Stage 3: The Insidiousness

It is time. Finally. The wait was far greater than you had expected, but that was planned. You see, a secret this large cannot simply be told. It is the same principle that prevented Boromir from simply driving into Mordor.* The pain of anticipation only sweetens the day when one finally reaches that long anticipated moment. Today is that day; this moment is that moment. Your seemingly interminable wait is finally ended just at the moment you were ready to surrender hope. Or perhaps you already surrendered hope, and only now realization is dawning. Perhaps you are realizing that you are about to experience something of huge importance.

First I have one minor issue to clear up. In earlier entries in this series we discussed what was a real squirrel and what was merely a figment of overactive imaginations. This never came up:


The reasons I failed to mention the above pictured creature are twofold. Reason the first: the above image is not of a squirrel, but instead of a marsupial more closely related to the platypus than the true squirrel. Reason the second: I did not think of it in time. Now that we have adequately dealt with the subject of flying squirrels, we can move on to the insidiousness.

The Insidiousness

Take a look at the next image. Perhaps you've heard that "Hey fellers, get a load of this!" are commonly the last words of rednecks. Similarly this can be the last thing the unwary see before falling victim to the insidiousness.



Doesn't seem all that bad at first glance does it? Oh no, that squirrel is biting my shoe, I am so scared! Yes I freely admit that that is what seems to be going on in that image. The truth is that squirrel is in the process of climbing up the cameraman's leg. Upon achieving that goal we know that the squirrel rendered the cameraman unconscious. However we cannot know the exact mechanics the squirrel employed as the cameraman was obviously in position to snap us some photographs. What we do know is that the camera was found while the operator was not. What follows is a possible technique in use among the insidious squirrels.



This squirrel doesn't seem to have anything insidious in mind, does he? He looks like he's just gnawing away with not a care in the world, and that is exactly the impression the squirrels are trying to give. In actuality what you see is nothing more than a carefully maintained charade. However, this charade gives us evidence that squirrels are capable of using birdhouses** as missiles. The earlier picture, the image of a squirrel climbing up a man's leg certainly implies that the squirrel menace has a natural tool for easily rendering humans unconscious. Regardless, we know that a squirrel assault begins with but a single bushy-tailed beast.



That squirrel is more than enough to disable a single human, but researchers have posited that it takes a pack of squirrels to move the victim to a spot where the insidiousness can occur. Afterwards the squirrels imbibe the vanquished foe's spirits.



The following image is a fake.



As you can see, the image depicts a hunter who has apparently slain two insidious squirrels. There are no verified cases of squirrel slaying. Zero. Any qualified squirrel researcher can easily tell that the pictured creatures models, and not particularly artful ones at that. Furthermore, do you really expect a man who looks that imbecilic to be able to defeat the scourge of mankind? I think not.


So what should you have gained from today's discussion? First you should now have a rough understanding of the squirrels modus operandi when capturing humans for the perpetration of the insidiousness. Obviously no human has survived to give testimony as to the precise nature of the squirrels' methodology, but squirrel experts have been able to postulate a reasonable model from the available data. You should also understand that we have not reached the climax of our discussion of squirrels. In fact we have one more update left to go on this subject: the precise nature of the "insidiousness." You now know how the squirrels collect their victims, but I'm afraid you will simply have to wait until next week before you can know of what that insidiousness consists.


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

*Pop culture references are apparently a good thing, and that was a reference to both The Lord of the Rings and the Awful Forums.

**Also known simply as "hosues."
- posted by Odovaucer @ 11:52 AM (0) comments

 
Hello, and Welcome to the Wonderful World I Call Lemonparty
First I'd like to welcome myself back. As some of you may know, I was here before then I was gone but now I am back. I'd like to take this time to personally thank Odovaucer for extending his welcome.

(I believe the exact words were "I don't feel like updating three days a week, every week. Don't do anything too ridiculously idiotic. - Odovaucer)

As I climbed the summit once again, after taking a fall, I look back at ye, and think it's still a long way to the top. And indeed it is. The fascination over the ever elusive Carverbuns,




has ended. The mystery behind the commenter from a long time ago is no longer much of a mystery and has lost the people's interest. This is why I need something new, something hot, something really sweet. So I will tell you guys a story about the boy who ate one too many chocolates. You may know this boy, or you may not. Maybe you are the boy...

Once there was a boy. He was of normal stature. As he grew up he never knew the taste of chocolate, until one day his mother accidentally gave him a piece of chocolate. He had never tasted anything so delicious in his entire life.

Chocolate was pretty sweet, and he needed it every minute of the day. Soon this boy became a very fat boy. His parents could not afford to satisfy the boy's taste in chocolate, and in order to satisfy his needs they sold themselves into slavery. But he spent the $100 on chocolate pretty quickly. Soon, he was stealing chocolate, and he was a very fat boy, as well as a very naughty boy.

One day he was eating his normal twenty pounds of chocolate, and he got down to the last piece of chocolate. He ate it, and then his stomach started to make a funny noise. Next thing you know the fat ass exploded. Gooey brown chocolate was everywhere. In fact, giving him the chocolate was definitely worth seeing the boy explode. That was pretty sweeet. There's a moral in there somewhere.

(I apologize. - Odovaucer)


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Uncle Jamal @ 11:02 PM (0) comments

 
A Nice Round Number: Nudeist Colony Twenty
Today I am publishing a "Nudeist Colony." This is the time each week that I show off some of the more interesting paths readers took to reach this site. As usual, all referrer logs are of English-speaking Americans using Windows and Internet Explorer, unless otherwise specified.

Mon Jan 17 13:25:49 2005
ACC6CADE.ipt.aol.com
172.198.202.222
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://results.searchscout.com/search?b=23306&m=MjQ1MjUyMzc1&t=1000103339&d=1000103339&k=nudeist&c=

I started recording referrer logs when I noticed just how many hits we get from searches for the "word" "nudeist." Pro tip: the correct spelling is "nudist." A significant fraction of hits are still these idiotic searches so it's not an entirely negative phenomenon. Still, I'd much rather we were getting all those hits from literate, thoughtful Internet surfers.

Sat Jan 22 22:12:25 2005
tera-24-206-150-218.kw.tx.cebridge.net
24.206.150.218
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://foose.com/search.php?st=user&term=nudeist pics

There's a fair number of variations on the traditional vanilla "nudeist" search. This one is unspectacular; what distinguishes it is that this individual managed to read through six pages of archives before realizing that we don't have any of the pictures he wanted. As far as I can tell he never returned.

Mon Jan 24 08:51:19 2005
220.247.243.38
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=nudists%2Bgroups%2Bpictures&toggle=1&ei=UTF-8&fr=FP-tab-web-t&b=61

Oh look, another step up in specificity. This one is not content with solo "nudeists;" he needs pictures of group efforts. How utterly marvelous. I'm so glad I was able to help him fulfill his needs.

Mon Jan 24 10:06:55 2005
MacOS (MacPPC)
Netscape 5
adsl-210.55.65.161.quicksilver.net.nz
210.55.65.161
http://www.lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_09_19_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.altavista.com/web/results?q=child nudeist&sourceid=mozilla-search

I have mixed feelings about receiving so much traffic from idiots who think "nudeist" is a valid word. I do not have mixed feelings about receiving hits from pedophiles or furries. I would gladly surrender the increased traffic than have that level of scum here for even the briefest of moments. Unfortunately we can't all have our wishes come true.

Mon Jan 24 16:59:49 2005
vicce001.net.gov.bc.ca
142.32.208.231
http://www.lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=electricity using a lemon&ei=UTF-8&xargs=0&pstart=1&fr=slv1-wave&b

Sometimes completely unexpected things show up in our referrer logs. This is actually the second time we've gotten a hit from that particular query, but it still shocks me that anyone could think that a website whose tagline is "Because Your Blog Sucks" is likely to have information about conducting electricity through a lemon.

That's the last of this week's list, tune in next week when we take a look at just how international a phenomenon Lemon Party is.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

- posted by Odovaucer @ 11:59 PM (0) comments

 
Exits will be lit
And welcome back for another lemony installment by your favorite poster, turtle_07. Like all of my previous entries this entry will involve zombies, snakes, and vampires. Unlike my previous entries however, this entry will actually involve all of those things. I'm not joking, keep reading... IF YOU DARE.

This update is going to be about why things are scary and why they aren't. To start off zombies and snakes are scary. Zombies will fucking chase you forever and they're already fucking dead so how you can you kill them? You can't, you're fucking fucked. Plus when they bite you, you totally go insane and stop thinking and start dying and shit, you know? That just fucking sucks.

Snakes are also totally scary. They have like these wicked cool teeth that they totally use to rip into your fucking scrotum. I mean fuck dude, they rip into it with their sharp teeth and then they inject motherfucking venom into your scrotum so every time you have sex poison comes out and you'll never have a child or please another woman again because they die so they can't tell you if they fucking loved their fucking.

But motherfucking vampires don't got shit to scare you with. I mean so they fucking bite you. Big deal, I've been bitten plenty of times, it ain't terrible. But oh no turtle_07 you cry, they motherfucking suck out your blood bitch. And I'm like shit, I don't care. First off if you're gonna die you might as well die being seduced by some fine ass vampire ass. Second off if you turn into a vampire then you get to seduce some fine as woman with your vampire powers.

Also, in case you all were worrying about my credentials on this subject I took a horror movies course, don't worry. This is part one of my multi part installment on "what the shit is fucking scary, bitch?"

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

- posted by Andrew @ 9:32 PM (0) comments

 
For love of (noun)
I've done a lot of soul searching, and I haven't really found anything. Some might argue that's because I don't have a soul, but I mean I could have been searching in the wrong place... Like the fridge. On a similar note I did find a jar of old mayonnaise. Haha I bet you didn't see that one coming; I didn't. (Authors note: I didn't actually find a jar of old mayonnaise; the mayonnaise in my fridge is fresh and delicious)

But enough about my eyesight, I'm sure that you want to hear about all of the exciting things that I found in my fridge. They're not really exciting per se... as they are food products. But they're more than that, they're food products with purposes. Not very good purposes, but to be quite honest they're not very good food products. I mean what kind of purpose can you expect from two month old mustard?

Of course that's not to say that all food products have no purpose, black forest ham's purpose is to be delicious and not kosher. Yeah, it's still not great, but it's a better purpose than you'll ever have. Bazzzing. I bet you're all wondering how much longer I'm going to go on about food. Well not much longer, I'm switching topics to Scotland in the next sentence.

Haha, just kidding; back to food. What's the deal with airline peanuts? I mean first of all, what made them choose peanuts? I can just see a bunch of airline executives sitting in a room together staring at assorted snack foods, and suddenly one of them looks up with an enlightened grin on his face. "Boys," he says, "what about peanuts?"

(It's all part of the squirrel conspiracy. Do I even have to tell that part three is next week? - Odovaucer)

Or how about those warning labels on mattresses? I can't even remember what they say anymore, but what's the deal with them anyway? Why are they there? What are you warning me of? Do I even need to say anything, or once I say mattress and label you dissolve into giggly hissy fits so my grammar in sentence can bad get because you'll next read paragraph giggly.

Wow that last paragraph sure sucked, it's a good thing that you didn't read it. But if I mention it now you may go back and read it and discover how terrible it was. That's why I'll need to hypnotize you.



ALL GLORY TO LEMON PARTY. BOW BEFORE US PEONS!

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

- posted by Andrew @ 11:59 PM (0) comments

 
Nudeist Colony Nineteen: Gosh I've Started This One Early
It seems that it is time once again for the Nudeist Colony. As usual, all referrer logs are of English-speaking Americans using Windows and Internet Explorer unless otherwise specified.

Sat Jan 1 23:50:39 2005
pool-162-84-114-153.norf.east.verizon.net
162.84.114.153
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com
http://dpxmldsl.verizon.net/_1_2ITYTEJ03LDHOH5__vzn.dsl/search/web/young%2Bnudeist

Typically are readers seem to be interested in nudeists of any age, but this particular individual apparently felt that age was detrimental in nudeists. No accounting for taste I suppose.

Mon Jan 3 00:18:50 2005
Japanese
ZC249249.ppp.dion.ne.jp
221.119.249.249
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2003_12_07_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.msn.co.jp/results.aspx?ps=ba%3d(0.10)0........%26co%3d(0.10)6.200.3.2.5.10.1.3.%26pn%

Two page views on this one. No I don't speak Japanese or have the faintest clue what this person was looking for.

Mon Jan 3 05:33:17 2005
Farsi
82.198.3.225.satgate.net
82.198.3.225
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004/01/lemon-party-tale-of-intrigue-death-and.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=jony dep&fr=FP-tab-web-t&toggle=1&ei=UTF-8

This Farsi speaker searched for "Jony Dep." I am saddened that this person found us. Seriously, even Iranians should be able to figure out how to spell something as simple as"Johnny Depp" accurately.

Mon Jan 3 12:30:32 2005
English (United Kingdom)
cache-loh-ab05.proxy.aol.com
195.93.33.11
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://aolsearch.aol.co.uk/web?query=nudeists&location=wholeweb&isinit=true&submit.x=9&submit.y=11

What Nudeist Colony would be complete without a search for "nudeists?" For some reason I thought the English were above these ridiculous fetishes and spelling gaffes. Not to mention AOL. It appears I misjudged the limey bastards.

Tue Jan 4 21:13:34 2005
Netscape 5
wbar20.tmp1-4.14.217.197.tmp1.dsl-verizon.net
4.14.217.197
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://forums.dee-nee.com/index.php?board=4 action=display threadid=4948

We find the strangest sites linking to us. This forum is apparently primarily devoted to a baseball game for the NES. The Internet is full of pathetic losers, but this is pretty heavy duty stuff. Not as bad as the people who list "punk" as an interest on their livejournals, but pretty bad.


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 11:59 PM (0) comments

 
The Selective Service
Hello my name is Odovaucer, and I'm a Lemon Jockey. As a Lemon Jockey it is my sworn duty to provide you with content on this very site with great regularity. Great regularity has come to mean 3-4 times a week, and when I refer to my providing it I' actually talking about getting turtle_07 to write an article, writing one myself, and showing you some referrer logs. Even though there are several other individuals with posting rights here they haven't bothered to cobble together anything worth posting in ages.

Furthermore you may have noted that Lemon Party is theoretically a blog about blogs, yet we haven't broached that particular subject in quite some time. This is not because we have nothing more to say on the subject, and nor is it a sign that the qualitative level of your blogging is currently acceptable. It is not. Your blog, in fact, sucks. It is a wretched abomination, and you should be ashamed of yourself. We've spent over a year trying to coax you to try out some basic principles of the Internet. Trying in vain.

I'm slowly coming to grips with that. My solution is not surrender, my solution bears some resemblance to a technique known as "dumbing down." In the coming weeks I'm going to give remedial grammar, spelling, syntax, and diction lessons. The largest failure of your blog is in fact the things you write about in it, but the manner in which you write about them is a close second. Now I'm not expecting you all to become perfect overnight; in fact I'm not expecting you to ever be perfect. You're not particularly intelligent and even I miss things proofreading from time to time. Still, your current writing is wholly unacceptable, so I have no choice but to do something about it. It's not like you people can help yourselves after all. I'm constantly amazed you can type anything at all with your flipper-hands, you inbred leaking sacks of mucus.

Today's update is not about teaching you basic English, and it is not about dishing out far-fetched (though usually accurate) insults. Today's update is instead a smorgasbord of items I felt the need to address. Item one: forums. turtle_07 and I have been contemplating the idea of including a set of forums for some time now, and we've pretty much concluded that we're going to go for it. I'm not expecting them to get a whole lot of use immediately, since the regular comments don't get a lot of traffic either. We can get them free though, so we're coming at this from a "why the hell not?" perspective. If you have strong feelings on the topic you can protest via comments on this post or by emailing me at Odovaucer (at) Gmail (dot) com.

Item Two: Lemon Jockeys. Yes turtle_07 has returned from his brief hiatus, and we should be seeing something from Lemon Party intern dfjaweiod in the coming weeks. I can make no guarantees as his efforts could very well utterly be unprintable. We are not desperately in need of more posters. turtle_07 and I have handled the bulk of the writing on this site and we are perfectly capable of maintaining that workload. However if you're interested in joining the Lemon Party team, just let us know, and I'll pencil you in as the first candidate in our second annual "Who Wants to Be a Lemon Jockey?" contest, which will, most likely, not be starting until spring.

Item Three: Material. As I have discussed previously, we are not lacking in material or motivation here at Lemon Party. What we lack is time and money. As such even the most gung ho writer falters from time to time. Our archives are littered with unfinished or unpolished drafts just waiting. This means that when the terrible spectre of writer's block rears its ugly head (and believe me it does make appearances on these pages) we can still give a solid week's output.

Item Four: squirrels. I had told you that last week would be the conclusion to our discussion of squirrels. That was a one week delay from the original planned date of part the third of the guide to squirrels. This week I believe you will finally be in for the stunning climax. This week you shall know, once and for all, the insidious secret of squirrels.




And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 11:59 PM (0) comments

 
18 Nude: The First True Nudeist Colony of the New Annum
It's been a while since I've written anything for you folks, and that's for exactly sixteen different reasons. Luckily I can condense them all down to one simple sentence: Lemon Party is not the most important part of my existence. I wish it were otherwise, but what can you do? Obviously the long-awaited Squirrel Guide Part Three will have to wait another week, but at least I have some referrer logs for you! As usual, they're all English-speaking Americans using Windows and Internet Explorer unless otherwise stated.


Wed Dec 29 17:17:14 2004
dsl-80-43-75-88.access.uk.tiscali.com
80.43.75.88
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_09_19_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.mywebsearch.com/jsp/GGmain.jsp?st=bar&ptnrS=ZSzeb02968US_ZSXXXXXXXXGB&searchfor=NUDEISTS

Vee must be forceful in our search for zee nudeists. Vee must use only zee capital letters! Or something. I don't know. What do you think goes through the tiny little minds of these people?

Wed Dec 29 17:24:20 2004
English (United Kingdom)
81-86-238-5.dsl.pipex.com
81.86.238.5
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_11_28_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.google.co.uk/search?sourceid=navclient&gfns=1&ie=UTF-8&q=nudeism

Some folks aren't satisfied with simply finding "nudeists." These people want to understand the broader principles at work and they expect to discover those broad principles by using Google to search for a misspelling of nudism. No, I can't explain it any better.

Thu Dec 30 10:53:33 2004
English (United Kingdom)
82-33-69-146.cable.ubr01.trow.blueyonder.co.uk
82.33.69.146
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://search.msn.com/pass/results.aspx?srch=105&FORM=MSN6A&q=young nudeist

We do get hits from obvious paedophiles searching for various sordid topics like "15 year old girl pics" or 12 year old girl rape pics," but we don't tend to see anything quite as ambiguous as this one. Obviously the word "nudist" is misspelled, but I'm used to that by now. This is a search for a young nudist, but not necessarily an underage one. I'm inclined to assume the worst, though it's certainly possible that he had previously only found images of elderly "nudeists" and was hoping for a perfectly legal change of pace. Possible.


Thu Dec 30 09:07:14 2004
English (Australia)
chrax8-b112.dialup.optusnet.com.au
211.29.202.112
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://search.ninemsn.com.au/results.aspx?FORM=MSNH&v=1&CY=en-au&RS=CHECKED&q=nudeist&GO=GO

Isn't it wonderful how the Internet connects people from all across the globe? Italians, Israelis, Canadians, and Croats have all read Lemon Party. So has this Australian. Such a pity that most of them came here because they misspelled their pornography searches.

Thu Dec 30 15:56:19 2004 Windows NT (Win32)
ip094254.wvlc.pat.wvnet.edu
129.71.94.254
http://www.lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_10_17_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=free pictures of nudeists&fr=FP-tab-web-t&toggle=1&ei=UTF-8

I've gone back and checked all our archives just in case, but there are still no pictures of nudeists here, free or otherwise. This fellow figured that much out after only sifting through a mere three pages of archives! Maybe next week he'll have better luck!

Sat Jan 1 16:41:25 2005
69-169-158-250.bflony.adelphia.net
69.169.158.250
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004/12/sixteen-is-not-sweet-number-of-candles.html
http://www.blogsearchengine.com/search.php?q=nudist&tab=blog

Well what do you know, there are people who can spell nudist out there. Pity that some of them need to poke through three pages of Lemon Party to discover that we aren't what they're looking for.


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 11:59 PM (0) comments

 
Seven is today's special number
I'm back, and contrary to popular belief, very much alive. Before you start crying and wailing, let me explain something to you: while I may be very much alive on the outside, I am a bitter empty shell of a man on the inside. Since that technically makes me a shell of a shell of a man, I suppose I'm doubly dead on the inside while... super strong on the outside... possibly covered in a hardened chocolate shell.

But this update isn't about chocolate... or is it! No, it's not. This update is about the strange and bizarre sex known as 'girls'. For those of you who are having trouble dating and need a little bit of help validating your worthless existences (because let's face it, you're worthless unless you have a girlfriend... and girls don't actually use the Internet so there's no need to talk about getting a boyfriend) with a significant other. This update is for you.

I've compiled a short list of facts about girls; I'll explain what each fact means, and then I'll tell you all how to use them to get the opposite sex into bed, because having sex makes you a better person. It also whitens your teeth.

(I'm not completely sanguine about this. - Odovaucer, who questions turtle_07's credentials in this subject.)

Fact 1: Girls are pretty.
Girls can be very pretty with their low flowing hair and their pretty eyes.

Fact 2: Sometimes girls aren't pretty
HOLY SHIT IT'S LIKE HER NOSE WAS ACTUALLY A RUSSIAN COSMONAUT!

Fact 3: Girls like flowers, unless they're allergic to them, then they don't like them
Girls are sometimes pretty, so they like having pretty things around them to increase their prettiness. Ugly girls also like flowers, so this is one of the more complex points of dating.

Fact 4: Girls like chocolate
Unless they're allergic to it, like in fact 3. And while girls like chocolate they don't like getting fat eating chocolate. So just because they said they like it but they don't eat it doesn't mean that they don't like your gift. They just don't like you.

Fact 5: Girls don't like to be touched in special places... unless they like to be touched in special places
This one is pretty self explanatory


In conclusion:
You're going to die cold and alone without anyone to validate your existence you pathetic waste of flesh.

(Ah, that would be the pay-off. Would you believe that this man has a net worth of seven hundred million dollars? I hope not, because he isn't and probably never will be. - Odovaucer)


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

- posted by Andrew @ 10:27 PM (0) comments

 
Norwegian wood

















































And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

- posted by Andrew @ 10:31 PM (0) comments

 
Beyond the Boundaries of Modern Understanding
Recently we received a comment from a fellow who operates out of this blog. I could chastise him for his senseless and extraneous frills and doodads. In other words, the entire right column of his blog is pretty much I wasteland of awfulness. Not only does it look crummy, but it is in direct violation of a Lemon Party commandment. However I'm not going to comment on that supreme lack of taste.

He also has set up a set of forums for his blog, even though he gets little to no comments normally and only one person has bothered to sign up for his forum. A person who, at this writing, has yet to post a single word, I might add. Yet I'm not going to criticize Rolando for this. Partially because there isn't a commandment specifically relating to giving yourself forums (though it probably fits into the whole stupid frills things), and because I kind of want to put forums here, even though we get about the same number of comments typically.

He also fails to post any worthwhile content and instead posts mediocre to poor photographs and links to sites that are either totally and inescapably not funny or sites that were funny, but only many years ago when they were new. This one's pretty bad, and he probably deserves to be drawn and quartered for his crimes against the Internet. Still I'm not going to call him out for being the waste of sperm and egg that he so clearly is. Instead I'm going to say this: Thanks for commenting Rolando.

Yes, it really does mean something to us when folks take the time to acknowledge they do in fact read this blog. Sure the Nudeist Colonies should be enough to convince you that we know about your comings and going whether you post or not, but it's just the little that get to you some times.

In other news, I was lying when I claimed that the third installment of the guide to squirrels would be published this week. It will not, as I have other matters to attend to. Ever so sorry folks, but you'll just have to wait until next week.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 11:59 PM (0) comments

 
We all have smiles inside of us
I don't update very often anymore, and it's very sad. The truth is that long ago I began to have trouble figuring out new things to update. Odovaucer, you see, has his Nudeist Colony, which seems to make up a good 70% of our updates these days, and I just don't have a similar gimmick. Sad but true. (Perhaps not quite 70%, but it certainly takes up about 25% of most weeks' article queues - Odovaucer, who has missed making snarky comments)

In my infinite wisdom I decided that perhaps we should have something that was not only not sad, but also true as well. In a way, I suppose you could call what I am about to say "happy but true." It's so much more than that though; it's also fuzzy.

That's right my dear friends, I am talking about kittens. Kittens are awesome. Almost as awesome as puppies. I want all of our readers to know that in this uncertain world full of uncertainties there are still a few things that you can count on.

1) Kittens are pretty damn cute.

2) Puppies are not only cute, but awesome.

3) Kittens are also awesome.

4) Death and pain will surround you no matter where you go.

So, although we live in this uncertain and strange world full of death pain and destruction, at least there are still puppies and kittens... that is until they die too. (turtle's return seems to be a somewhat morbid occasion, though I certainly can't imagine why - Odovaucer)


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

- posted by Andrew @ 10:25 AM (0) comments

 
Nudeist Colony Seventeen: Not Your Father's Nudeist Colony
I doubt your father had a Nudeist Colony, but even if he did this was certainly not it. This Nudeist Colony is 100% mine. Interestingly enough however, this is not the Nudeist Colony you're used to if you're a Lemon Party regular, and really, who isn't a Lemon Party regular these days? Ronald Reagan isn't, but that's because he's dead. Same goes for Rodney Dangerfield and the vast majority of the popes. Tupac's excuse is that he's pretending to be illiterate to make for going to school at the Baltimore School for the Arts, which would have otherwise ruined his street cred.

Anyway, normally I use this weekly column to list some of the most amusing referrer logs of the prior week. That is to say the web pages through which people came to this very site. Usually I give some explanation that all users are assumed to be English-speaking Americans using Windows and Internet Explorer unless otherwise indicated, and I post my snarky comments after each entry.

This is not that kind of Nudeist Colony. As the title suggests, this is also not your father's Nudeist Colony. This is a never before seen departure from our normal Nudeist Colony agenda. Today I'm going to tell you about my favorite group of readers, who only recently discovered the site. They are the men, women, and children of Dragone.net, and they're all Italians.

Let me show you how it all began:

Thu Dec 30 15:01:15 2004
Italian (Italy)
host110-113.pool80117.interbusiness.it
80.117.113.110
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://www.google.it/

Seems innocent enough. Someone from Italy hit "I'm Feeling Lucky" (technically "mi sento fortunato") and searched for "Lemon Party" or "Lemonparty" or some other words to that effect. Regardless of the precise nature of the search our fearless Italian friend ended up here. That's where it could have, perhaps even should have ended. Yet this particular Italian was able to understand the first front page entry, which happened to be "Lord of the Leaves: Episode Two," and understood it. Not only was the article understood, it was also enjoyed. I would have preferred that each of our readers took the threat of the squirrel menace seriously, but a fan is fan. In the next few minutes several referrer logs showed up that looked much like this one.

Thu Dec 30 15:02:42 2004
Italian (Italy)
ppp-166-172.26-151.libero.it
151.26.172.166
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://www.dragone.net/chat/loader.php3?From=index.php3&L=italian&Ver=H&U=Silmarwen&R=DiscussioniGe

We ended up getting about a dozen hits that originated in the chat room of Dragone.net. I, as a Lemon Jockey, and as the editor of this blog took it upon myself to find out the exact nature of this sudden popularity. There was only one hitch: I did not speak a word of Italian. With the aid of the incomparable Freetranslation.com I was, however, able to sign for an account at Dragone.net and enter the chat room. With some difficulty I managed to get my point across and had a lovely talk with one of the nicest groups of people I've ever encountered on the Internet. A user named OKI_FAB was able to dredge enough English to speak to me in that language while I limped along in my wretched excuse for Italian. The members of Dragone.net were ecstatic to befriend someone from half way around the globe and equally excited to meet a Lemon Jockey.

Thanks for reading, and for talking with me OKI_FAB, SirKhaas, Silmarwen, Mara, Cyan Dragonbones, Mad Master, olidammara, Il Teurgo, and everyone else from Dragone.net.



And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 6:05 PM (26) comments