Lemon Party
Friday, February 18, 2005
Shut up and Eat (Part Five)
(Author's note: This is probably one of, if not the longest update I've ever written. Please, use the comment system to make our lives and your lives easier. Tell us if you think it drags on and on or if you enjoyed the longer than usual update.)
I lied in my last update, this won't be about time traveling alligators or whatever I had promised. See in the future alligators have been all but eliminated, which means that an entire update about defending yourself from the time traveling scum would be completely worthless as the last ten alligators in existence can't time travel because they're alligators.
Alright, I'm glad that we got that out of the way. This updating will be a continuation (if you can believe it) of all the other "How to Survive the Future" updates. See the others were stand-alone pieces of wisdom than true continuations... (This is a blatant lie - Odovaucer) anyway enough chit-chat. I've taught you how to defend yourself (from time traveling cadets and hobos), what weapons to use to defend yourself (from the denizens of the future, they're different!), how to find a shelter, I think that you're all ready for the next installment.
Alright, I'm glad that we got that out of the way. This updating will be a continuation (if you can believe it) of all the other "How to Survive the Future" updates. See the others were stand-alone pieces of wisdom than true continuations... (This is a blatant lie - Odovaucer) anyway enough chit-chat. I've taught you how to defend yourself (from time traveling cadets and hobos), what weapons to use to defend yourself (from the denizens of the future, they're different!), how to find a shelter, I think that you're all ready for the next installment.
Fitting in can be hard, so hard in fact that I'm splitting this update into a four part update, each part filling you in about another aspect of the future's many bizarre quirks. Like the fact that everyone wears hats. Honest to God. There is not a man, woman, or child who doesn't wear a hat in the future; that way when you time travel to the future they can tell that you're a time traveler because you don't wear a hat... maybe I should have gone over this in my first update. So anyway, part zero of this four part update is to let you all know that you need to find hats as soon as possible.
Alright, so you're in the future living in a box or a boat or whatever the hell I told you to live in in the earlier updates, but you notice a problem. Sure all of the other time traveling cadets and hobos have been vaporized by your trusty Laser Ray Gun, but now you're running out of the food that you took from them (along with their tender meat). What now? Well obviously, you head to the grocery store. But what's this? They require money?! Well, I guess you'll need a job.
Much like the present, the future has its fair share of companies; unlike the present, however, all important jobs have been taken over by super intelligent robots. See the robots used to work at McDonald's and the like, but they got fed up with the bad pay and the unsanitary working conditions, so they went out and built identical robot replicates of already living politicians. No one could tell them apart... except for one last desperate gambit. The humans challenged the robots to a dance-off knowing that no robot can dance. Unfortunately the random dance chosen for contest was "The Robot." No humans survived the carnage of that dance floor.
What this means is that all the good jobs have been taken; you won't find a job that'll give you more than $15 an hour. This may sound good, but in the future that's actually not very much... it's minimum wage... only worse because the robots lowered minimum wage because they're filthy metallic bastards. Anyway, because so many jobs are now done by robots, there are now fewer jobs than there are humans. (Which is such a remarkable shift from the way things are today - Odovaucer) There are only two ways to get a job: find some place so terrible that no one else wants to work there, or kill someone and take their uniform and name tag. In the future name tags are the ultimate form of identification, so if you have their name tag you're pretty much in like Flynn. If the person you killed has a wife you'll probably want to bang her too (Let's not hasty about this - Odovaucer, who was the future of women and wisely recoiled from it), so find out where he lives before you shove the knife through his eye.
So you're staying at a hotel or in a cardboard box, you've got a hat, and you just murdered a Mr. William Thespew Crenshaw. Life is good. But not that good, while your robot masters might not be able to detect the difference between one slab of meat and the next, they're still noticing some strange quirks in your behavior. It's time that you stop thinking that you know everything because you read part one of this four part update and kept reading.
First off 'e's are a thing of the past. That's right, they no longer use 'e's in the future. And you don't have to use them either. Make it into a game, every night you'll come home and before you bang Ms. William Thespew Crenshaw you'll say one sentence without any 'e's in it. Hell, you can even use words that would normally have 'e's in them, you just have to make it sound like they don't. For instance 'hell' would turn to 'hayll', women into womyn, and worm into wyrm because you just HAVE to spell it that way because whatever fantasy book you're reading right now does that.
Unfortunately things are not as simple as phasing a letter out of your everyday language. They've phased other things out of the future too, things like fishing rods. But the really complicated thing is getting used to all of the things that have gotten phased in. I wouldn't say them here because I for one have no idea what things have gotten phased in, I've never been to the future. And even if I had been to the future, the words are alien and complex, I could say that they now use ziziscopes for all of their cooking needs but you'd have no idea what a ziziscope was. Just know that next time someone mentions a ziziscope don't say: "I'm from the past, what's a ziziscope?"
Hip, cool, swiggy, down with it. Do these words sound familiar? They should; they're part of our everyday lingo. Just as the lingo in the nineteen-fifties is alien to us, so will our lingo seem alien to the people of tomorrow. I have compiled a list of the five most popular colloquialisms of the futurarions so that you'll have a better chance at fitting in.
Number five: "Down with the sickness"
After the great band wars Disturbed left most of its adversaries broken and homeless. Given its amazing victory and its now almost complete control over the WMR (World Music Recorders, don't worry, it's a future acronym) Disturbed decreed that March 9th would be sadness day, a day when everybody would be sad. They then decreed on March 9th that "Down with the sickness" would become synonymous with "chillin wit ma homedogs" (in our speech). A year later they copywrited that phrase and began charging royalties for each usage; no one saw it coming.
Number four: "Up with the sickness"
Rather than remembering a whole new list of words, the futurarians chose instead to change only one word in the saying. Up with the sickness beat out "Down with the Sphinxes" by a vote of 62 to 38.
Number three: "Cursing at birds"
That's not really the complete colloquialism, but it is used in so many different situations that it's hard to write out the complete saying. Suffice to say that it basically means "better than nothing", although its usage is strange. If someone were to say: "What do you think of ham and cheese?", you might respond by saying: "Aww man, it's like cursing at birds." Another valid response would be "You done cursing with the birds boy?" There are many others; you'll just have to find them for yourself.
Number two: "But mom, what about Billy?"
In the future all sitcoms were fused into a single twenty-four hour sitcom that played constantly on the sitcom channel. Since robots can't act or dance, humans had to play the parts. Each hour of the sitcom focused on different members of a huge fifty person family living in a luxurious mansion. Hour number fifteen is spent on Billy, Sandy, and Mom. No one can remember when the line "But mom, what about BIlly?" first appeared; in fact no one can really say if it actually ever came up during the show, but its existence is still attributed to hour fifteen. In the future it means nothing; it's just a snappy come-back. Like today's "your mom."
Number one: "Not without my eyepatch!"
Everyone wants to be a pirate in the future, it would be like everyone's dream today to be the CEO of a fortune 500 company. (Actually there far too many people today who wish they were pirates. Pro tip: wanting to be a pirate does not make you unique, interesting, or futuristic. It just makes me hate you more - Odovaucer) Pirates are seen as the economic elite because however modest the lifestyle of sailing around looting tankers is, it seems like riches compared to what fast food pays. "Not without my eyepatch!" is like saying "yeah right." It's a sharp barb that shows how skeptical you are of the situation. For instance, if your friend were to tell you that he could make loads of money eating pigeons for a carnival freakshow, an appropriate response might be something like: "Not without my eyepatch you wouldn't."
This is probably the easiest lesson to master. Have you ever seen really bad sci-fi movies where everyone in the future is wearing a uniform? Yes, that's right. I'm talking about those pure silver jumpsuits. That's what you wear; that's what everyone wears. That's the bad news. The good news is that unlike those infomercials that claim their product will help you get in shape while you sleep, this actually does. It also whitens your teeth and makes women want to have sex with you. Of course that last part is all hearsay; it could just be an all silver jumpsuit.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
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