We Dropped the Ball
As even the slowest of our readers have grasped, this is the last day of the year 2004. These sorts of events are typically greeted with some manner of celebration. I'm not going to keep you from your various celebrations for long, even if your idea of a celebration is angsty blog entry. Knowing my audience that is quite likely precisely what you're to do. That or masturbate to "nudeist pics."

On New Year's Eve a giant illuminated ball is dropped to make sure everyone knows exactly when the year changes. It's kind of like a watch except it's free and doesn't really fit on your wrist. And it's not as gaudy as some of the watches out there. Seriously, it looks everyone wants their very own "bling." Trust me on this guys, bling does not belong on a CPA. Or actually just about any white person. In fact it doesn't actually belong on the rappers either, they're just too rich to bother with little things like taste and human dignity.

Back to the ball. The ball can be seen as metaphor for Lemon Party. Yes it looks cool, but we dropped it. Or we will drop about seven hours from now. When the year has ended you will be left with an insufficient year of Lemon Party writing. I'll be frank about this: this past year was not up to the level it could have been. Sure we had plenty of high points, plenty of fabulous articles, but not enough. The Lemon Jockeys let you down. Next year we're going to strive to raise the bar to a much higher level. This site is a dynamic entity; it is poised to evolve in a multitude of directions, but we the Jockeys are only human, despite our superiority to you. We can fail and we have failed. We will continue to fail, but God damnit, you can expect an even better Lemon Party next year. You have my solemn word.

And now a sneak preview of some our plans for the next annum:

-More commandments.

-The long-awaited conclusion to guide to squirrels.

-A reorganization of our content.

-Financial solvency. Maybe.

-More updates from dormant Lemon Jockeys turtle_07, dfjawioed, and Octopud_IV.

-At least one brand new Lemon Jockey selected via "Who Wants to Be a Lemon Jockey 2."

Lemon Party has long been a labor of love and wholly without financial compensation. That may change. We will always provide free content, but we are exploring various financial possibilities. This may take the form of PayPal donations link, Google ads, banner ads, and/or limited pop-ups. Nothing is certain though. Should we pursue one or more these possibilities you may see marked improvements such as paid writers or our site separate from Blogger. We'll just have to see. The next Lemon Jockey contest is not in the near future, but at some point next year you'll have your chance. And now I think I've kept you from your revelry long enough for this year.


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 5:06 PM (0) comments

 
Sixteen is not a Sweet Number of Candles or Stones. Nay it is the Number of the Nudeist
And their colonies.

This week I've got some referrer logs for you. All users are assumed to be English-speaking Americans using Windows and Internet Explorer unless otherwise indicated. My comments follow each entry. Enough idle chit chat, let's get straight to the heart of the matter, the latest and greatest referrer logs.


Fri Dec 24 01:21:44 2004
wanglobe.hilton.com
192.251.125.85
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://enlarged-clitoris8896.blogspot.com

This reader came to us via Blogger's handy "next blog" button. Nothing extraordinary about that. What is extraordinary is the name of the other blog. Hands down the most peculiar name for a blog I have ever seen. Click the link at your risk.

Tue Dec 28 11:37:00 2004
69-162-225-169.ironoh.adelphia.net
69.162.225.169
not given
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p= yahoo nudist clubs colonies&sm=Yahoo%21 Search&fr=FP-tab-web-t-17

In case the above isn't perfectly clear, allow me to reiterate: That was a yahoo web search for "yahoo," "nudist," "clubs," and "colonies." Yes he searched the web for yahoo clubs from yahoo's website. No, there is no reason he could not have merely searched through Yahoo Groups rather than the entire Internet. Actually I take that back as there is a reason: he's a moron. I'm not really sure why it was important to him to find a group that supported nudist clubs and colonies, and I'm not sure why he thought a blog would be the homepage of a Yahoo Group. Despite these bonehead moves I can't fully ridicule him as he did manage to spell "nudist" correctly.

Tue Dec 28 16:28:54 2004
24.231.154.126.tvc.mi.chartermi.net
24.231.154.126
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial_s&q=lemo

Not everyone is capable narrowing a search down to precisely the necessary specificity. Some people need to leave things a little more open-ended. There are a variety of explanations and justifications. The most common are ignorance and stupidity. Some people could theoretically handle a google search appropriately but simply lack the experience or training. There others who will never be able to manage it despite any amount of coaching. These people are just dumb. I have a strong suspicion that what we are currently discussing is an example of the latter.

Tue Dec 28 16:29:14 2004
24.231.154.126.tvc.mi.chartermi.net
24.231.154.126
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2003_12_07_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial_s&q=lemo

Twice. He searched for "lemo" and decided that, although our front page didn't what he was looking for, there was still a chance that our archives might help him. Genius.

Tue Dec 28 18:13:14 2004
user-0c93gco.cable.mindspring.com
24.145.193.152
not given
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&q=nudeism&btnG=Search

Yes, every week I list somebody who misspelled "nudist" or "nudism." It's always just the tip of the iceberg my friends. Just the tip of the iceberg.

Wed Dec 29 07:51:15 2004
MacOS (MacPPC)
Netscape 5
ip68-12-106-135.ok.ok.cox.net
68.12.106.135
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_12_05_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.google.com/search?q=nudeist&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8

I'm always surprised when we get hits from Mac users. There's something so pure and innocent about the Apple mystique that I never expect someone running MacOS to be on the prowl for "nudeists." Just another pleasant illusion brutally dispelled by the Internet.


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 11:59 PM (0) comments

 
Lord of the Leaves: Episode Two
It is time for another dose of squirrel chat. Last week I told you that red squirrels and brown squirrels do not exist. That remains true. Fortunately gray squirrels still exist so we can continue our contemplation of said gray squirrels. Unfortunately gray squirrels still exist, which means you are still very much in danger every time you leave your home. I shall conclude this gratuitous recap with an image of the insidious danger with which you should all be intimately familiar by now.





Mean looking sucker, isn't he? Last week I may have implied that the danger posed by gray squirrels was not well known. True, very few Americans understand the insidiousness, but across the pond in Portugal these things are taken very seriously.





Sure the picture doesn't look all that threatening, but trust me, there's more here than meets the eye. Suffice to say that the Portuguese take the danger quite seriously.


Meanwhile in America...


In America squirrel menace is completely unknown. Furries do their best to glamorize the squirrels, never understanding the truth. Luckily these artists and lifestyle pioneers are not particularly skilled at the art of glamorizing anything, so the pictures above are likely to produce a negative, visceral reaction from most readers. Still, the images are more objects of ridicule than of terror. There's something creepy about them, but they're just too pathetic to really induce fear. Nausea is certainly within their capacities though, and you really ought to avoid these creatures nearly as strenuously as you should avoid true squirrels.

It isn't just the furries perpetuating incorrect images of squirrels though. There are at least a dozen variations of the following image on the Internet.



That certainly is humorous isn't it? I know; I just can't stop laughing, and I desperately need to see the numerous variations of this image floating around out there. That innocuous little picture helps perpetuate the myth that squirrels are harmless and a suitable subject for ridicule. There are few more severe mistakes. You underestimate the vigor, the perspicacity, the viciousness of the gray squirrel and you may find yourself in a rather unfortunate place.




I think we've gone on long enough now, so check back next week for the conclusion of our squirrel guide. Until then.

Remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 3:06 PM (1) comments

 
On the Brink of Something Special
Now don't get your knickers in a twist over this, but I have it on good authority that we have just recently gotten past the festival of Christ-mas. Fortunately or unfortunately that is false. The festival of Christ-mas is in its last stages, but it is far from over. It wasn't always this way though.

Cue flashback music if you like.

You see in the old days the date of Christ-mas was uncertain, as were most dates. There were a number of factors contributing to this predicament, not the least of which was the difficulty the ancients had in figuring out just how many days there are in year. Eventually that all got straightened out and we had one single solitary day of Christmas.

But a funny thing happened. People realized that Christ-mas was just too much for just one* day.** So they decided to expand it into a "holiday season," which is PC for "Jesus was way cool month." The "holiday season" lasts from the end of Thanksgiving on until New Year's Day, and its hallmarks are inhumanity to fellow shoppers and general crass consumerism. There's also some undertones of thankfulness and giving, but mostly we're talking about the exchange of items of monetary value obtained at the minimum expenditure of monies. Again this is not to say that Christ-mas is entirely heartless as many angsty bloggers would have you believe, but it is a naive self-delusion to ignore certain less than fully spiritual ramifications of the festival.

Why should we care about that Jesus fellow anyway? It's not as if his existence has been conclusively proven, let alone his divinity. So why does everyone kowtow to him twice a year? Because everyone else is doing it. That's really all it comes down to folks, there's no rocket science here, just mob mentality. Perhaps you might even want to refer to it as "peer pressure," though that seems somewhat inexact to this writer. Regardless, the Jesus bloke is here to stay, so you might as well join the pack, you angsty whiners. Sure the religion is of questionable merit, and the festival's connection to the religion is even more questionable, but it's better for the rest of us if the stupid people don't complain. Just grit your teeth and bear it. There are worse things than unhappy morons after all.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

* Two.

** Days.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 2:09 AM (0) comments

 
Fifteen Nudeists Colonized America in the year 1569
And that is why Europe seems so much better.


If I had stopped writing Nudeist Colony updates after the first fourteen this update would not have been written. Just saying, that's all. Today's Nudeist Colony contains a number of listings. Each entry contains the actual data of an Internet browser who stopped by our illustrious website. As usual I have given date, time, resolved domain, IP address, the page viewed, and the page the reader was referred from. All users are assumed to be English-speaking Americans using Windows and IExplore unless otherwise indicated. My comments follow each entry. With that out of the way, let's dive in, hey!

Sun Dec 19 00:01:21 2004
nat3.srtnet.com
216.221.96.233
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2003_12_07_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.msn.com/results.aspx?FORM=MSNH&q=nudeist

This particular search criteria is the origin of this weekly series' title. For a brief time we had a poster who went by the nom de plume "Carver Buns, the Nudeist Poster." That misspelling and the subsequent spelling errors that would litter his posts were intended as part of Jeff K-esque gimmick. Or so he said. I'm inclined to believe that he was just rather stupid. Regardless, though he no longer writes for us his legacy lives on. Whether his legacy is something to be proud of is a hotly debated question. If you have strong feelings one way or the other feel free to leave comments.

Sat Dec 18 21:35:35 2004
English (Canada)
Toronto-HSE-ppp3894097.sympatico.ca
67.70.152.116
http://www.lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://search.sympatico.msn.ca/pass/results.aspx?FORM=SMCRT&q=nudeism

More of Carver Buns' influence here, but this time our poor-spelling fetishist is a Canadian. This is particularly amusing because Carver Buns is seeking Canadian citizenship to keep us from punishing him fully for his dereliction of Lemon Jockey duties. Such is the life of one with little aptitude for spelling.

Thu Dec 23 23:45:27 2004
cache-mtc-ac04.proxy.aol.com
64.12.116.133
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://aolsearch.aol.com/aol/search?invocationType=topsearchbox.%2Faol%2Findex.jsp&query=lemon part

This is, at first glance, an unspectacular referrer log. "It's probably just a typo," you might say. I might be inclined to say the same myself if it were not for one thing. That one thing follows now.

Thu Dec 23 23:59:01 2004
d14-69-146-87.try.wideopenwest.com
69.14.87.146
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2003_11_09_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=navclient&ie=UTF-8&rls=GGLD,GGLD:2004-34,GGLD:en&q=lemon part


Yes that's two hits for "lemon part." Notice that they're within fifteen minutes of each other. Also worth noting is that both of them viewed two different pages of our site via their aol and google searches, and combined they managed to hit ten pages of our archives. It's possible they both made typos, but it's far more likely they wanted their searches to pick up "lemon parties" as well as "lemon party." This is foolish, to say the least. Take a look at the search results if you doubt me. It is also a little scary that these folks expected to be able find multiple Lemon Parties. Do you really need more than one? And do you really think a second Lemon Party would have the same infernal majesty? This art we're talking about here. You can't just make a second Mona Lisa, can you? You could make a copy of the original, but that's not the same and we all know it. You can't make a better Lemon Party; you can't even make an equal Lemon Party. Anything you attempt is doomed to failure before it is even begun. With that cheery thought I leave you.


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 1:04 AM (0) comments

 
Behold Patches, Lord of Leaves, For You Are in His Domain
This week today falls on a Wednesday. In celebration of this rare occurrence I'm updating. That's a more common experience, but it's happening today anyway. As this is today I'm going to tell you about squirrels. Not secret squirrels or flying squirrels or monkeys pretending to be squirrels, just honest-to-God squirrel squirrels. The gray kind. There are no brown or red squirrels when it's today. Except on leap years. And this isn't a leap year, so we don't have any brown squirrels to deal with.

Of course the gray ones are quite a handful on their own. The gray squirrels would be perfectly harmless and even a little cute on their own. The problem is that they're never alone. What looks like a gray squirrel to the eye is actually a harbinger of something insidious. This insidious something is really, really insidious. I mean really intensely insidious. Like the triple chocolate fudge suicide cake of insidious. Intense. We'll get to the nature of that insidiousness later.

For now let's make sure you understand the proper response to a gray squirrel sighting.

Step One:

Make sure it's a gray squirrel you see. That means one of these:


These, however, do not exist.


Step Two:

Search for a weapon. Anything too big for the squirrel(s) to wield is a good bet. Otherwise your armament could be used against by squirrels with far greater combat skills than you. That should be obvious, due to the nature of the insidious nature of the gray squirrel.

Step Three:

Run! Don't bother trying to fight if you can escape. Obviously you won't be able to outpace this guy:


Hopefully you'll be able to reach a building or a car or something you can get into. The important is getting somewhere they can't reach, which is difficult considering that they're smaller than you and better climbers. If you can't get to a hiding place it's time for...

Step Four:

Fight.


The gray squirrel may look less intimidating than this brown squirrel, but the reality of gray squirrel combat is far more terrifying than the fiction of brown squirrel assault. After step five step six comes about around 99% of the time.

Step Six:

You lost the fight and have now fallen victim to the insidiousness of the gray squirrel. Would that you had merely died!

Tune in next time for the discussion of that terrible insidious gray squirrel menace.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 11:08 PM (0) comments

 
Fourteen Nudeists Form a Colony. On a Friday, No Less.
Yes, it's "Nudeist Colony" time once again! As always we're dealing with English speaking Americans using Microsoft software unless otherwise stated. Today we've got a short list, but still an awfully painful one for yours truly. Enough of this gay banter, let's dive into the heart of the matter!


Sat Dec 4 19:22:18 2004
Farsi
80.242.8.17
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_02_22_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=lemon party.com&fr=ieas-dns

Yeah, that's Farsi. Farsi is the most common language in Iran and nowhere else. What an Iranian is doing searching for "lemon" "party" and "com" is beyond me. He went through eight pages of archives though, so I guess he thought there was going to be some sort of payoff eventually.

Sun Dec 5 16:18:08 2004
adsl-70-240-179-19.dsl.hstntx.swbell.net
70.240.179.19
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_03_14_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=How do you make electricity with a lemon%3F&ei=UTF-8&SpellState=n-

How do you conduct electricity with a lemon? Well using the very same search this fellow ran I manage to come up with a number of useful results. Why he thought this would be one of them is beyond me. Do you really expect science from a blog? Especially a blog named Lemon Party?

Tue Dec 7 21:45:56 2004
pool-162-84-168-158.ny5030.east.verizon.net
162.84.168.158
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=rotund nudist clubs&sp=1&sm=Yahoo%21 Search&toggle=1&ei=UTF-8&fr=F

On the plus side he spelled nudist correctly. On the minus aside is everything else. The existence of nudists is not a valid justification for wanting to know more about them. It's kind of like slavery. It happens, and there's absolutely nothing we can do about it, so don't rub your fucking face in it. Let it disappear into the dark recesses of your mind where it will not interfere with your day to day living. Don't even think about searching the Internet for clubs of nudists. Do not. And the bit about rotund, that's a sign of an e-Internet citizen who is not well. If you're running yahoo searches for clubs full of rotund nudists that's bad. If you had to read several pages of this site's archives to ascertain that we don't have what you're looking for that's worse. That's awful, and you should ashamed of yourself. It's almost Christmas, and you're looking for groups of fat nudists. Grotesque.


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 5:10 PM (0) comments

 
Sometimes you dream...
Last night I dreamt... I dreamt that zombies were taking over the Earth, and humanity as we knew it was doomed. The strange thing was that no one was really frightened by this prospect. In fact one of my friends had gotten bitten, and his hand was already going zombie on him, but it was all cool, you know? I'm sure you do.

Anyways, I decide to head over to my zombie friend's house. Not the friend who was going to be bitten, but a friend who was a zombie but was given back his humanity by a wacky wizard or something. My wacky troupe (I can't remember who they are) and I all headed over there for one reason or another. They all had lunch or some shit in the kitchen while I met with this one dude.

We totally tramped around his house (it wasn't just his house) for a while until I decided to eat a zombie rock and become a zombie... but I would be given another rock (i'm not sure what it was for, I'm sure it was to give me back my humanity though). So we go up this ridiculously long stairwell, only to find that it was the wrong room. So we go up another equally long stairwell, only to find that we were unable to find the box with zombie rocks in it. Luckily another zombie (with humanity returned) shows up with the box marked TT and I eat a rock.


So my first thought is "what the hell," my second thought is: you better go to school, and my third thought is: fuck my physics test. It's not until my 29320 thought when I suddenly decide to post this on LemonParty, and it's not until the 29325th thought that I decided to try to figure out what that the dream meant. As I've been taking a horror films course, and anything with zombies is horror, so I'm pretty sure that I can figure out what my inner director was trying to get across with this dream.

In the first paragraph you'll notice that no one is really worried about the eventual zombie infestation. As we all know zombies are mindless sheep... much like consumers. In this age of consumerism (it's always important to remember when the film was made) it seems like fewer and fewer people really care that everything important to us has been bastardized in order to sell us more products. The fact that one of my close friends didn't seem to mind his eventual transformation only further proves my point.

In the second paragraph I go to visit the zombies with their humanity returned. This, of course, implies that in this wacky world, there is still an underground. There is still a force fighting for our souls, though they must become corrupted to do it. The fact that a wizard did it only reinforces the idea that although it might have seemed impossible, it still happened. The fact that my friends and I split up is an icon of all horror movies. They always split up.

In the third paragraph I decide to join the underground by eating this so called "zombie rock." This part is what makes me think there will be a sequel dream. For one we don't actually know what this zombie rock is or what it does. We also don't know if the other rock will help me keep my humanity, will I be forced to join the flock, who the fuck knows?

Man that was frightening... luckily it was all a dream. OR WAS IT?


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

- posted by Andrew @ 8:37 PM (0) comments

 
Gates of Doors
Tonight is the last night of Chanukah. Channukah, you see, is a Jewish festival lasting eight days. There's a story behind that, but it's not all that interesting a story. Actually it's a pretty good story, but it just doesn't matter tonight. You want the story, try Google. What I want to talk about is only tangentially related to Hanukkah. You see Hannuka is also known as the "Festival of Lights." The reason for this is, again, unimportant. The important thing is light.

Light, you see, is more than just illumination. Sure it's composed of particles called photons, yet has certain properties of waves; that's all true. Also, it's also true that also light is also a verb. Also. You see, it is possible to "light" things. This generally means to set said object on fire, you see. We may come back to that. MerriamWebster.com lists the secondary definition of "light" as "daylight." Unfortunately that is, you see, completely useless to us at this time. Also definitions three and four are also inapplicable at this time, you see. You see, the definitions that apply to today's discussion are five and eight. This is the last paragraph of today's update to include the word "also" or the phrase "you see."*

Both of those definitions deal with a light that has nothing ot do with visible illumination. They instead deal with the mind, with learning. This is where we get words like "enlightenment." I once heard the teacher compared to the lamp lighter. A teacher's job is to pass among the young and light in them the flame of intellectual curiosity. Not only to enlighten them now, but to teach them to seek out learning on their own.

I suppose there's some truth to that. Still, that's not quite the way I see my role here. Although I am here to enlighten you in the finer arts of blogging. I don't really think of it as encouragement though, or teaching you to seek out improvement on your own. I don't see myself lighting a fire inside so much as lighting you on fire. It's more along the lines of shock therapy. Maybe if I heap enough abuse on you you'll grudgingly start moving in the right direction. If I verbally abuse you enough you might even figure out what you're supposed to do and do it on your own. I doubt it though. I doubt you have the brainpower to grasp even the simplest of our commandments, but I try anyway. Partially because it's fun, partially because I feel I must make the effort. If you're not cleaning up the Internet it's your fault it's shitty. And believe me you make the Internet shitty. Very shitty indeed.

Enjoy your festival of lights. If you burn your hands off and never blog again, I will somewhat less than solicitous.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

*Yes that includes these footnotes as well.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 10:09 PM (0) comments

 
Thirteen is a Magical Number: Nudeist Colonies Are Magical Places
Why exactly is it that Nudeist Colony updates always seem to have colons in their titles? It really doesn't make a whole lot of sense today, but there the punctuation mark is anyway. It's just chilling out there where a semi-colon or period would have made a good deal more sense. Old habits die hard though, and I think we've all had enough of this deeply philosophical discussion on titling and what you want is to see me lose my patience at the incessant line of maniacs looking for pictures of "nudeists." Quick recap: nudeist is not, in fact, a word. The word these folks were probably loking for is "nudist."


Mon Nov 29 14:55:46 2004
208.44.54.18
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_10_17_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=nudeist&fr=FP-tab-web-t&toggle=1&ei=UTF-8

Sure enough the first hit I saw this week was a simple misguided search for "nudeist." Won't you people ever be satisfied?


Mon Nov 29 15:33:32 2004
69-164-196-50.atlaga.adelphia.net
69.164.196.50
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=lemon party .com&fr=ieas-dns

He searched for "lemon," "party," and ".com." Not lemonparty.com, no never that. Incidentally he did not to seperate the last two terms with a space as the period works just as well.

Mon Nov 29 16:06:51 2004
216.139.140.4
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_06_13_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&q=lemon party homosexual

So he doesn't just want three old men going at it? No, no, no what this guy needs is three homosexual old men going at it.

Wed Dec 1 00:43:56 2004
ool-182cdd48.dyn.optonline.net
24.44.221.72
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_04_25_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=lemon party slag

I hve no idea what could have triggered this association in his head.

Sat Dec 4 10:28:32 2004
dsl-66-225-166-55.vianet.ca
66.225.166.55
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2003_12_07_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.msn.com/results.asp?FORM=sCPN&RS=CHECKED&un=doc&v=1&q=naked%20nudeist

I did a little research on this one. Turns out vianet is an incorporated corporation, and this particular IP address belong to their department of redundancy department.

Sat Dec 4 17:51:09 2004
adsl-2-44-46.mia.bellsouth.net
65.2.44.46
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_02_22_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=lemon party.com&fr=FP-tab-web-t&toggle=1&ei=UTF-8


He went through eight pages in search of a useful reference to "lemon" and "party.com" Way to go sir. Why he didn't just try a url like "lemonparty.com" or "party.com" instead of this futile websearch is beyond me.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 4:50 PM (0) comments

 
Google Image SafeSearch Is for Cowards
That title is actually completely applicable. Take a moment to let the wonder soak in. Done? Excellent. You may know that last week I wrote a commandment about pictures, which seems a little peculiar for Lemon Party, which is ostensibly about blogs, and blogs are generally known for text, if not coherent thought. What you might not know is that I only skimmed the surface of the deep, deep well of awful that is the userpics of livejournal and deadjournal users. There are quite a few noteworthy images that didn't end up in that update due to space and time concerns. So I decided to send a few more your way.

However I've added two important new features this time around. First I've put up a copy of each journal's icon up on my own hosting and displayed that so there can be a permanent record of these poor fools' mistakes. Some time in the near future I will be doing the same to that update's featured blogs. I have also used the aforementioned Google Image Search (abbreviated as GIS from here on) to find better icons for these misguided bloggers, and each superior icon is from the page of results from an image search for that poster's username or a reasonable facsimile thereof. Yes, it's pretty to get better pictures on the Internet.


I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this young lady is an Alanis Morrisette fan. That's fine, though I think the song she's chosen to reference is somewhat subpar. The important thing is her ridiculous icon.

Wow, look it's like a portrait but angsty and pale and emaciated. Fantabulous! The result from GIS:

Yes that's a truly atrocious painting of God doing, well something, but it's still noticeably more entertaining. Seriously, take a look at the big guy's hands. Clearly the artist has a firm grasp of anatomy.

Yes she hasn't updated since mid-October, but what a cool userpic!

Wow, that's deep isn't it? And the animation is so compelling The very first hit from a GIS for "quixotic" is quite literally infinitely superior:

That is actually better than just about any icon I've ever seen. And certainly far superior to anything my work as a Lemon Jockey has brought before my eyes.

Feast your eyes upon the things I have to deal with to bring your week's quota of bitter, bitter ranting.

Seriously, you get the impression that that girl probably isn't actually all that unattractive, but the this userpic evokes a viscerally repellent reaction.
Go go Google Image Search:

We would, of course, only be able to use a small portion of this image, but a small portion is all we need to get a much more exciting userpic.

I was a little worried about this one as the icon, while a reference to an awful band, is still simple and far more elegant than the average fare.

GIS did not disappoint, serving up this tasty little number that even speaks to our feckless fellow's stated interests.

Yes the original is actually more elegant, but it is not only blazingly unoriginal, but also copped from a band so bad that I am constantly amazed that there are people who do not think the Deftones are purposefully as awful as possible. Not many people, but some.

So there you have it: if you let someone pick his own livejournal icon he'll choose an awful one. Thanks for your time, fags.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 9:25 PM (0) comments

 
Elephants are large and in charge
AmmoniumAcetate5: wanna write an essay for me?
AmmoniumAcetate5: it'll be fun
FearMeOrPerish: what's it about?
AmmoniumAcetate5: hills like white elephants
AmmoniumAcetate5: f. Scott Fitzgerald story
FearMeOrPerish: I never read that story
AmmoniumAcetate5: look it up
AmmoniumAcetate5: on internet
FearMeOrPerish: but I can write you an essay about elephants instead





And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

- posted by Andrew @ 6:03 PM (0) comments

 
The Cure for Mental Health
Just what is the cure for mental health, you ask? Well, I don't know for sure, but I have no qualms in telling you that reading your blogs has done very well for me, thank you very much. I am quite clearly insane by any standard definition, though, surprisingly enough, turtle_07 comes across as far crazier than I do upon these pages. Yet he is perfectly sane. I suppose it's a comment on the world we live in that the sane appear insane and insane appear quite rational, if somewhat nihilistic.*

That actually leads into the topic of today's discussion...and the first commandment in about forever! Yes, we've really got more, and I think today's is a good day to toss this one out. Take a look at this deadjournal. Notice anything interesting? Don't bother reading the entries; they're the angsty bullshit you all know and loathe.** The important thing is that fellow there with the dreadlocks, microphone, and raised middle finger? Notice how the screen flashes three similar scenes repeatedly? That would be deadjournal user myepitaph's "userpic." The userpic is meant to represent the user, surprisingly enough. That means that stupid faggots should use images such as myepitaph's, because that is one stupid userpic.

Why is it a stupid userpic, you might ask. Well number one would be that he uses the lead singer of slipknot to represent himself.*** Generally using a celebrity to represent yourself is trite and uninteresting. Not to mention somewhat less than unique. If you want to take an insightful and revolutionary perspective on the celebrity, that's one thing, but that's hard when your IQ is less than 100. Also noteworthy is that the entire subject matter of that image is the raised middle finger. That is not what I would call a creative animation. If you're going to use your userpic to rage against the machine or the Jews or the Republicans or the sheep or the asparagus, just try and be somewhat interesting about it. The middle finger is what one might refer to as a "cliche." It has been used so much that it has lost whatever meaning it held originally and now means approximately "I are teh stoopid. Derf, derf."

Similarly Legolas is not a good userpic. The implication is either that you think you're a Tolkien elf (which is just retarded) or you're a hopeless fanatic obsessed with a film series that fails to do justice to a highly overrated trilogy. That's three losing on three levels, but at least you don't think you're a fucking elf. And how about this one, isn't that a wonderful guitarist? I bet that's you, whitesummeside, isn't it? You're such a pretty guitarist, so pretty that you should go kill yourself. Oh, and another. That vomiting skater dude is so cool. Oh and you labeled it "pukeXcore." How witty. Actually you probably didn't even make it yourself. Talk about pathetic. This pseudo-artistic shit is so cool. Really. I am moved by your black and white face, by your flowering rose. Those were such good ideas.

Now if you had a WWTBALJ icon, that would be kind of cool. The animation is adequate, there are no cliches, and concept is not retarded. Isn't that simple? I thought so. The majority of Internet users apparently do not, but now they have no excuse, do they? Here's the commandment, finally.



Thou Shalt Not Represent Thyself With a Moronic "Userpic"




And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.


*Here's the definition, just in case.

**See what I did there? See how I took your comfortable cliche and warped into something subtly terrifying in its utter depravity? See how I used hyperbole just now?

***Google says that fellow is named Corey Taylor, but a more appropriate name would be "Oh God Kill Me Now."
- posted by Odovaucer @ 10:48 PM (0) comments

 
Nudeist Colony Twelve: The Twelfth Nudeist Colony
Yes it's another week of fine vintage referrer logs. Since I've got your attention for a brief moment now, a brief moment betwixt your loading up the Lemon Party site and your delving into the referrer logs, allow me to pose a question to you. Do you want the Nudeist Colony to remain an irregular weekly event? I can consistently post these on a single day, or I could bump back the regularity. This could be a biweekly (as in once every two weeks), monthly or even quarterly event. Leave any thoughts you might have as comments (obviously) or email me your concerns at Odovaucer(at)gmail(dot)com. With that out of the way, let's check out some referrer logs. As usual, language, OS, and ISP are left out unless particularly insightful.

Sat Nov 20 21:06:54 2004
h000d88201973.ne.client2.attbi.com
24.147.207.38
http://216.239.57.104/search?q=cache:b0H1MTpX8QQJ:lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_08_22_lemonparty_archive.html scrumtulescent&hl=en
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&safe=off&q=scrumtulescent&spell=1

I'd like to apologize for this one. This is entirely my fault. Of course it is rather amusing that I'm making fun of a person who found us through my making fun of someone else for the word scrumtulescent. That first hit was from my critique of D&D that unfortunately used that very pseudo-word. Yes, that's right, "scrumtulescent" is still just as much of a word as "nudeist." I would compare it to "irregardless," but that abomination has been used so many frequently that dictionaries are forced to include, though they strongly discourage its use. That doesn't mean there's any excuse to use this "nonstandard" "word." Similarly you should make sure not to pronounce either and neither as "eye-ther" and "nie-ther." Nonstandard is not your friend.

Mon Nov 22 15:17:27 2004
217.219.118.132
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004/11/nine-and-nine-makes-eighteen-but-this.html
http://www.google.com/search?hl=fa&q=nudeism&btnG=%D8%AC%D8%B3%D8%AA %D9%88%D8%AC%D9%88%DB%8C %DA%A

This guy really tried, several times, to find some sort of nudeism on these pages. He failed, but that doesn't mean others won't follow in his footsteps. In fact it is inevitable that he is not the last of his breed. Interesting this one is also entirely my fault. When I began to notice that Carver Buns title, "Nudeist Poster" was attracting a noticeable number of search engine hits I decided to augment the process by keywording that "word" and the related not-word "nudeism." Sure enough we got hits from those, and I felt like I had made myself stupider by essentially inviting these people to Lemon Party. Well, perhaps they'll learn something while they're looking for pictures.

Tue Nov 23 01:59:50 2004
cs70112104-77.austin.rr.com
70.112.104.77
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004/11/nine-and-nine-makes-eighteen-but-this.html
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial&q=lemonp

Why makes a person curious about "lemonp?" That's a question I never imagined before today. It doesn't posible that the "p" was a typo as it is nowhere near the "n" on a standard keyboard. So we can safely rule out accident, but what possible purpose does searching for "lemonp" serve? I had a look at the results and I was unable to find anything that seemed particularly likely to be the object of a search. Google did, however, suggest that I try "lemon" instead. I suppose we're just dealing with a giant moron. I'm used to it by now.

Tue Nov 23 02:21:16 2004
pool-70-21-158-180.nwrk.east.verizon.net
70.21.158.180
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_08_29_lemonparty_archive.html http://search.yahoo.com/search?fr=slv1-fp&p=nudeist living

Well isn't that something? This guy doesn't just want pictures of a non-existent lifestyle. No he wants to actually understand the lifestyle of the "nudeist." It's a beautiful thing seeing an East Newark resident caring about the living habits of others. Pity he's so fucking stupid.

Wed Nov 24 22:15:48 2004
pool-70-19-215-55.bos.east.verizon.net
70.19.215.55
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
Bookmark or Typed

Isn't that sweet? Octopud is still alive and reading!

Wed Nov 24 21:14:38 2004
ds04isa.BestBuy.com
198.22.123.14
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004/11/nine-and-nine-makes-eighteen-but-this.html
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&q=lemonparty

If you're searching for "LemonParty" from a Best Buy something is seriously wrong with you. Best Buy is not for surfing for images of octogenarian antics, especially not those particular antics. It is an inappropriate place from which to read this blog. Sorry fella, but we want your patronage on your own time. If you're at best Buy, you'd best be buying. ZING!

Thu Nov 25 06:16:15 2004
cache-ntc-ac07.proxy.aol.com
198.81.26.76
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_02_08_lemonparty_archive.html
http://aolsearch.aol.com/aol/search?query=u r an asshole&page=2&Stage=0&invocationType=keyword_roll

You have my affidavit that this is entirely real. I did not make this one up folks; you're really seeing an AOL user searching for the phrase "u r an asshole." There is no commentary that can upstage the sheer wonder of that search. This is one for the scrapbooks folks. Link to this one in your LJ and spread the wonder of AOL users.

Sat Nov 27 00:23:07 2004
AC8AD923.ipt.aol.com
172.138.217.35
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2003_12_28_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.msn.com/results.aspx?srch=105&FORM=AS5&q=nude pic of 15 year old girl

WHy do you want to see a nude pic of a 15 year old girl? Don't you know you can find legal images of women who look fifteen? Don't you know that fifteen year-olds are generally less attractive than young ladies who have had a little more time to fill out? Maybe you just don't know that what you're looking for is illegal. Regardless of your motivation, you make me sick. And you readers taking your vicarious thrills from this shit, I hate you too.


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 8:28 AM (0) comments