Commentary on Commentary
This the time when poor writers would trot out some amusing anecdote or cliche to draw you in. This is also the time when skilled writers would do that. So then of course I must do nothing of the sort as I am a renegade, a rebel, not to mention the best writer this side of Geordie Tait. Or perhaps not. I just really like Tait...If this was Something Awful you'd see a parenthetical statement as to my confirmed heterosexuality. However, as I am the aforementioned renegade/rebel, and because this is not actually Something Awful, you won't be seeing that little disclaimer at the end of this extraordinarily awkward and poorly constructed sentence. (Not Gay) That is exactly what you won't be seeing.

Okay, okay, I admit that was a horrible joke. But I like to nestle an obvious hypocrisy inside the slightly more subtle one, just so everyone can think they understand what I'm driving at. So anyway that's the segue; here's the verse:

Uh wut uh
Where my bitchaz at
Where my hos at?
Uh
Wut

Okay, really I'm finished with the sucky parts of this piece. And if you believe that...Well you probably believe the president was fairly elected and Osama bin Laden is Saddam's gay lover. But now that I've tossed all this useless crap in my segue has gotten lost. The point was that I'm going to be talking about hypocrisy today.

Hypocrisy": For you those of you eat your boogers that blue underlined word was a hyperlink. Click it. Actually swallow first. Then find mummy's detergent. And drink it.

Now, as I was saying, hypocrisy. It's bad, so don't do it. You post your true feelings (or your bullshit feelings, whatever) on your blog. It probably wasn't very well done, but TOO LATE! No way to backtrack now, you're stuck with your opinions. Which means when people call you on your BS you own up to it. Let's say you posted a long boring rant that included a passage about how you didn't really love Dwayne, and then someone asks you why you gave him a handjob in the locker room. This is not the time to reply "I loved him, but I wasn't in love with him. ::sighs::" Not only is that awful for a variety of reasons that will be addressed later or have already been addressed, but you just contradicted yourself. Way to go, you're the next John Stuart Mills! That was sarcasm by the way. You're not the next John Stuart Mills. You're the next Jessica Simpson. Except without the fame, the money, or the surgery. Just the smarts. So remember kids, other people can contradict you just fine, no need to do it yourself you fucking hypocrite.



And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 10:52 PM (0) comments

 
Read in between the lines
I said I'd do a boxing day update, and a boxing day update I shall do!

today's update, is also a commandment, which we haven't had for at least... 2 or 3 days. But that my friends, is besides (and beyond) the point. The point being, that I (turtle_07) am going to write you (the viewers) a boxing day update full of love, joy, and scotch. Never mind how I got the scotch, just drink it, shut up, and let me tell my story.

A long time ago, there was this thing called the internet... except they didn't call it the internet, they called it rocks as the internet hadn't been invented yet. Anyway, this internet was primitive, even slower than a 9700 baud modem. So they had these rocks, and the only way that a common man could publish his works was to either be a decent enough writer to get some big fancy suit do it for him, these people had their works put into what they called back then: Books. They still call them books now, except as you can see there is no capitalization of the 'B'.

So if you weren't smart enough to make 'Books', then your only other means of getting your writing out to the public was to chisel it onto rocks and then throw it at your neighbors, the hope was that the rocks would knock them out, and they'd wake up forgetting everything except that they had to go out and spread whatever was written on the rock to the people. This only worked once with this dude named Moses. In the end there was a lot of bloodshed and no one really won, but that's a different story.

So, eventually what happened was Al Gore invented the internet. Suddenly people could pay money to have their writings (and other forms of media) out there by only paying some dude a couple hundred bucks a month to put it on a box connected with a wire. Many people did this, and so, more knowledge (if you can call it that) was given to the public.

At about this point in the story, I got bored, needless to say more shit happened, and then Blogs were invented!

This was of course a crowning achievement as now any yahoo could get a free (free) blog and start babbling away incoherently about their life and other useless drivel. Of course these people had little or no writing skill to speak of, along with the inability to use a spell checker. They soon created a soupy broth of pain and stupidity.

These para-humans soon discovered something. They discovered that despite the fact that they could write words and have them appear on their computer screen, they weren't sure how to express emotions. Nevermind the ability to convey emotions through your word choice, these people could barely spell words, let alone know enough of them to do that. So they were left with 2 options, post useless sentences like: "That made me mad" or add in the emotion sentence. The emotion sentence went something like this:

So I didn't go to the mall today ::is angry:: and then my sister told me I was fat and stupid *grrrr*

Notice that all emotions are either in asterisks or double colons so as to not disrupt the flow of the sentence. However, soon these people discovered that not only emotions could be put into these things, but also, get this, actions to signify emotions. Holy cow! Eventually their blogs turned into a whirlwind of ::sigh:: and *snuggles*, also including less common ones such as *Kisses sexydude87* and *sticks vibrator into pussy*. As these para-humans were not smart enough to put emotion INTO their words without using simple sentences that looked badly, they resorted to this inane bullshit. I mean that's all well and good... except that it makes your blog look like shit. Much like the ASCII emoticons these little buggers appear everywhere and will drive insane all who read it.

Or, as you might have seen in some blogs:


So today was bad, but I got to see Sarah *wistful sigh* and then we went to the mall *squeels* and it was really really fun. So then I went home *darn* and my parents were all go up to your room. I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!! So i got on my computer and i started to talk to sarah and she said that she loved me *jumps for joy* and then I went to sleep. Today was ok

AHSAODLALSKD DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!!

So next time you decide that you want to post an update, remember...

Thou shalt not post action statements inside your blog


I would link to a blog, but the perfect blog is currently barred from my access (by myself, as I am a fair and honorable person who promised not to post hurtful things about her [*Rises to the bait* - Odovaucer])

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 11:12 PM (0) comments

 
Wake up Jimmy Newman
A very recent thought of mine, consider this:

Assuming that our lives consist of moments (think of a photograph), and a moment is, as a put very much like a photograph, a still shot in time. Ageless so to speak, are we actually moving? If a moment is no time at all, then how can we exist in motion?

This isn't actually my thought, it's a famous paradox (I think, perhaps I'm just a genius... a genius with hallucinations), but while it is not my own thought, I do like to ponder it. It's a crushing realization that I am not actually typing this... or am I? That's not the point.

The point is this: in this December holiday, Christmas is the name that I've heard it called I have decided to post about blogs in a non belittling manner.

Blogs, they are bloggy (hence my previous post, entry, deathstrike, whatever you want to call it). To be honest, I've been sitting here for about 20 minutes thinking about something nice to say about blogs that doesn't try and hurt someone's feelings.

For you Christians, I tried to post something nice on Christmas, I suppose that I have failed. If I could drink I would be drowning my sorrows and failures of blogging with Jack Daniels, but since I cannot you all have to deal with this update.

I am only one person amongst many, find your holiday cheer elsewhere.

You all make me sick.


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 11:47 PM (0) comments

 
Gonna blog like it ain't no blog!
Listen up you fuckers (and virgins)!

This a blog. You fucking hear me? This is a god damned fucking blog, ya dig?

Now for this blog to work, we must work to blog it. Ok? We must Blog the blog. Got it? Good. Keep in mind that this can only work if you keep your minds clear and only blog when not drunk. Drunk blogs are like the antiblog. The antiblog, being like the antichrist, only it murders small children.

Now, we at LemonParty (blog) want to stop this antiblog's reign of terror, or as we like to call it, tear-roar.

Terror (tear-roar) is a disease with breeds in sick blogs, you can tell the signs of this disease using only a can of dishwater and a rag. If when you run the dishwater over your monitor when looking at your blog you get cancer, then your blog is sick. As you might have assumed, there are many sick blogs at there.

Terror (Tear-roar) can strike at any moment, it hides in the shadows (blog) of communisia (blog communist blog) and feasts on small children (disease tear-roar).

We must fight the terror (tear-roar) and cure the cancer (tear-roar). But that's not what this update is about.

This update is about blogs (blog) and I intend to keep it that way.

In conclusion, even though it's early I would like to wish you all a happy boxing day.

(I'll post a real boxing day update on boxing day; this is just in case I forget.)


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 3:20 AM (0) comments

 
Planes, trains, and automobiles.
Poetry poetry poetry, why hast thou forsaken me?

My friends, my fellow bloggers, my parents, we have something important to discuss. It would appear that many blogs are now cluttered with what they would have you believe is poetry; this is of course complete and utter bullshit.

I would like to bring to the jury's attention exhibit A (Taken from here):


I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.

Woaaaaahhhh there sparky, calm down, obviously you have emotion otherwise you would stop existing. No emotion, no motive to do anything. The reasons behind the correctness of this statement would require another paragraph and would probably cause your brain to explode, so just take my word for it, ok? Good!

Believe me, most of your poetry is going to be about how different you are and how no one understands you. Which I mean is fine if you like that sort of thing, however when you grow up you'll have to join us normals in the workplace and become a productive member of society. At night you can go back to haunting the dreams of the innocents (unless of course you have a night shift) but soon you'll probably realize how crazy you are and conform.

Moving onto section two, wherein I explain that I don't hate all poetry.

Now, don't get me wrong, I like lots of poetry, I'm not some art hating freak. Only problem is when people decide to write poetry in their blogs about how different they are, and how they're going to snap, and blah blah blah blah blah. Jesus Christ, give it a rest people. No one cares about your shitty problems, and no one's going to care about your shitty poetry.

By all means, post poetry in your blog. I don't mind, just try and make sure that it's not yours. Also while doing so, don't break the Lyrics Commandment and explain why its there (and not some shitty reason either) and we'll be fine.

And as I am feeling generous today, I'll also tell you all that you can in fact post your own poetry... just try to make sure that you've proof read it a couple of times and you didn't just write it on the fly to express how different you are. (Actually all you really need to do is make sure it doesn't suck, which is suprisingly difficult - Odovaucer)



Thou shalt not post poetry (unless sanctioned by the commandments of the Party) in your blog.




And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 1:06 PM (0) comments

 
Commentary on Commentary Mark 2
I know, I know, it's been awhile since I've stepped up to my own pulpit, but I've been busy. Mea culpa, mea culpa! I can't promise you it won't happen again, I may be knee deep in MILF cunt, which tends to make posting difficult. Still I'll do my best; I see you fellows as my children. Special children. Retarded children, if one wants to dispense with the those cute little metaphors. Beating around the bush is for other sites. Lemon Party is brash and bold, yet still sensitive and loving. In a heterosexual sense, of course. But I digress.
Right now the subject is commentary. This is an intuitive entry, but still one that gets missed not infrequently. The secret is this: Microsoft Word. You know, the word processing program? That's right. All you have to do is type your comments in MSWord, or any modern word processing program. What does it do? Well for starters, it means you won't make absurdly obvious spelling and grammar errors, thanks to the magic of spellcheck. And if a weblog has a character limit, copy and pasting from Word is a handy way to beat the system. Of course this isn't always convenient, but it makes posting easier for you and making fun of you harder for others. And that's nothing to look down your nose at.




And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 11:50 PM (0) comments

 
drvtry vpfr qpdy
I haven't announced this fellow as a LemonParty staff member. That's because he isn't. He has posting rights, but he has not yet become a member of the community, he has not yet developed the necessary prerequisites; he has not yet proven himself to his elders. In fact his position here is tenuous to say the least. The details of his writing arrangment can be found here - Odovaucer

Vsm upi gohitr piy yjr drvtry vpfr???
- posted by Uncle Jamal @ 11:56 PM (0) comments

 
We are but simple people in an complex land
Fear for your souls my fellow bloggers, fear for your souls.

A fork in the road has appeared, a metaphorical apocalypse so to speak. We are confronted by demons, mongrels who wish you only pain and stress. No matter what path you go down you will still end up with lost time and money and gained stress. My fellow bloggers, it is upon us.

The December holidays, supposedly full of cheer and happiness are nothing more than scams. You spend money and time searching for gifts for loved ones, you gain stress wondering if they'll arrive in time, if the toy store still has that hip new toy in. You cry at night because everything costs 3 times what it used to, and for what end? So that your friends will be happy? Their happiness means nothing to what you're actually supporting, to the awful truth which I have just discovered.

Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, these holidays are scams, horrible scams created by communists to rob us of our money and our individuality. In every lie there is a kernel of truth, in every egg you have a yoke, in every computer you have a motherboard.

We go to stores, for what? To buy our friends sweaters that we think have nice designs on them, truth of the matter being that 400000 people already have that sweater, they are already like you, they are already conformed. Eventually all sweaters will look alike, all games will send you to the same end, all life will be nothing more than a number that the communist leaders look upon and laugh as they pop their champagne bottles (Communists don't drink champagne, it's far too bourgeois - Odovaucer who approves of the idea, if not the specifics [Yes, but the leaders of the communist revoltion were bourgeois - turtle_07]).

We are at a nexus people, a fork in the road. We are at the end my friends.

Remember friends, we must resist these paths, paths that all lead to red. We must make our own way through the woods, to a different end, to a different beginning, to a different life.

Fellow bloggers, we must join together to fight the red, we must survive against the coming invasion.

Godspeed friends, godspeed.


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 9:27 PM (0) comments

 
Three periods form what is known as an ellipsis...
And now, onto our regularly scheduled updates. While it was exciting hearing the Rampant Idiocy (TM) of dfjawioeraiodklsajfsjadlkjsdfalkjwaioeufjv m,cnm,n efjl ihjdioasjuriowaejfio fjsdlaj]]]]qwoqkeop;kda;lfks;dfkdfasgfagdsfa, we need to move onto more important things. Namely you (you) knowing how to blog correctly.

Our current entry doesn't deal with your content at all, in fact it deals with your ability to search the interwebnation superhighway. As any idiot (even dfjawioeraiodklsajfsjadlkjsdfalkjwaioeufjv m,cnm,n efjl ihjdioasjuriowaejfio fjsdlaj]]]]qwoqkeop;kda;lfks;dfkdfasgfagdsfa) should know, there are these things called search engines; the most popular of which is google. Come on and try searching for say... online journal! The very first response given back, highlighted in pink is "Make an online weblog" with blogger! Huzzah! Other popular ones include Deadjournal and Livejournal. You may have heard about those from your friends because every single person alive uses one. What on earth possesses people to go out and try to find an alternative hosting site for their blog is probably what also makes them post shitty poetry about how their world is an eternally eclipsed moon. Yea, fuck that shit.

Now i'm not saying all alternative web logs are bad and should be shot (And how would you go about shooting a web log? - A puzzled Odovaucer), but if you are going to look for one to try, at least make sure it's remotely decent and not one of those pop-up spewing cesspools. I mean seriously, if you're going to go to that site on a regular basis to update, and you expect me to check it and post sympathetic comments because you're a failure and your boyfriend broke up with you then at least make sure that i'm not bombarded by things telling me that my computer has spyware on it and to buy puppies over the internet.

This person made the mistake of choosing EasyJournal. Two banner ads and a pop up? No fucking thanks, go look for sympathy somewhere else bitch!

Now, let's go over what we've learned.

1) You're a fucking retarded bitch
2) You have a blog
3) Did I mention that you're a stupid bitch?
4) Choose a blog that doesn't bombard me with incredible deals, if I wanted to get life insurance I would do it like everyone else, through my email
5) (Classified)

Thou Shalt Not Choose A Blog That Is offensive To Thine Reader's Eyes


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 10:50 PM (0) comments

 
I'm a little teacup short and stout
I'd just like to say, dfjawioeraiodklsajfsjadlkjsdfalkjwaioeufjv m,cnm,n efjl ihjdioasjuriowaejfio fjsdlaj]]]]qwoqkeop;kda;lfks;dfkdfasgfagdsfa>>>, this update is for you baby.

Yesterday I posted an odd little piece about LemonParty fading out of existence forever. I had hoped that perhaps our readers were smart enough to understand the point of the update, but sadly they were not.

I was recently called a 'L053R5!' by a one dfjawioeraiodklsajfsjadlkjsdfalkjwaioeufjv m,cnm,n efjl ihjdioasjuriowaejfio fjsdlaj]]]]qwoqkeop;kda;lfks;dfkdfasgfagdsfa>>>. Mr. dfjawioeraiodklsajfsjadlkjsdfalkjwaioeufjv m,cnm,n efjl ihjdioasjuriowaejfio fjsdlaj]]]]qwoqkeop;kda;lfks;dfkdfasgfagdsfa>>> felt that I had posted my update to simply get sympathy and possible responses from people.

As any idiot can plainly see my update ended with "I know that you have spent a long time reading that, but I have one request, if you somehow stumble upon this blog and read this. Please, tell my wife that I love her and never meant to hurt her." Now, most people will probably read that as a request, a request to please tell my wife that I loved her and never meant to hurt her. Mr. dfjawioeraiodklsajfsjadlkjsdfalkjwaioeufjv m,cnm,n efjl ihjdioasjuriowaejfio fjsdlaj]]]]qwoqkeop;kda;lfks;dfkdfasgfagdsfa>>> however felt that he was too smart to be caught by all of that obvious bullshit and read between the lines, I'm not exactly sure how this was done but I think that it may have involved a laser of some sort.

As Mr. dfjawioeraiodklsajfsjadlkjsdfalkjwaioeufjv m,cnm,n efjl ihjdioasjuriowaejfio fjsdlaj]]]]qwoqkeop;kda;lfks;dfkdfasgfagdsfa>>> saw, and I’m sure some other people saw as well was that in an earlier episode we had told you NOT to fish for compliments (or comments, same god damned thing really). If Mr. dfjawioeraiodklsajfsjadlkjsdfalkjwaioeufjv m,cnm,n efjl ihjdioasjuriowaejfio fjsdlaj]]]]qwoqkeop;kda;lfks;dfkdfasgfagdsfa>>> is correct in his assumption that I was in fact fishing for comments, then this could be a sad day for LemonParty.

But before I reveal to you the shocking ending where everyone may or may not be pregnant, let's consider a few things about Mr. dfjawioeraiodklsajfsjadlkjsdfalkjwaioeufjv m,cnm,n efjl ihjdioasjuriowaejfio fjsdlaj]]]]qwoqkeop;kda;lfks;dfkdfasgfagdsfa>>>.


-Mr. dfjawioeraiodklsajfsjadlkjsdfalkjwaioeufjv m,cnm,n efjl ihjdioasjuriowaejfio fjsdlaj]]]]qwoqkeop;kda;lfks;dfkdfasgfagdsfa>>> had to post two comments, one two minutes later than the first, most likely because his brain doesn't work fast enough to come up with anything witty without thinking about it for a few minutes first.

-He posted using 'l33t' speak. That should just be a crime unto itself.

-When using 'l33t' speak Mr. dfjawioeraiodklsajfsjadlkjsdfalkjwaioeufjv m,cnm,n efjl ihjdioasjuriowaejfio fjsdlaj]]]]qwoqkeop;kda;lfks;dfkdfasgfagdsfa>>> called us (this is roughly translated from l33t) 'Losers', it is obviously not apparent to Mr. dfjawioeraiodklsajfsjadlkjsdfalkjwaioeufjv m,cnm,n efjl ihjdioasjuriowaejfio fjsdlaj]]]]qwoqkeop;kda;lfks;dfkdfasgfagdsfa>>> that I was the only one who wrote the article; the other members of LemonParty in no way endorsed it. They could not have because had Mr. dfjawioeraiodklsajfsjadlkjsdfalkjwaioeufjv m,cnm,n efjl ihjdioasjuriowaejfio fjsdlaj]]]]qwoqkeop;kda;lfks;dfkdfasgfagdsfa>>> actually read the article he would have discovered that one was dead and the other one was in the mental ward.

-Mr. dfjawioeraiodklsajfsjadlkjsdfalkjwaioeufjv m,cnm,n efjl ihjdioasjuriowaejfio fjsdlaj]]]]qwoqkeop;kda;lfks;dfkdfasgfagdsfa>>> also implied that I don't know how to use keyboard shortcuts, even though it was very obvious that I was using a small amount of HTML in my previous post, if a man knows HTML and doesn't know keyboard shortcuts, then what on earth this world coming to? (Perhaps there was no need for the man to learn keyboard shortcuts as there is no connection between them and HTML - Odovaucer) It should also be noted that Mr. dfjawioeraiodklsajfsjadlkjsdfalkjwaioeufjv m,cnm,n efjl ihjdioasjuriowaejfio fjsdlaj]]]]qwoqkeop;kda;lfks;dfkdfasgfagdsfa>>> doesn't have a mouse, because if he did have one he would realize that you could simply right click and a small little menu appears over the highlighted text, asking you if you want to Copy, Paste, and a whole other slew of fun activities.

-Mr. dfjawioeraiodklsajfsjadlkjsdfalkjwaioeufjv m,cnm,n efjl ihjdioasjuriowaejfio fjsdlaj]]]]qwoqkeop;kda;lfks;dfkdfasgfagdsfa>>> never posted his name or blog address, making me believe that either his blog cannot stand up to the awesome might that is Lemon Party or his name is just really really stupid, like one of those shitty hippy names. You know, like Summers Dawn, or Winter.


In the end, whether my critiquing of Mr. dfjawioeraiodklsajfsjadlkjsdfalkjwaioeufjv m,cnm,n efjl ihjdioasjuriowaejfio fjsdlaj]]]]qwoqkeop;kda;lfks;dfkdfasgfagdsfa>>> was superior to his semi-coherent insult holds no meaning to the undeniable cosmic truth that I have just discovered.

What is this cosmic truth you ask? Well I'll tell you. ASCII emotions are fucking terrible. You know what I'm talking about, those horrible faces that people love spewing off. Like ^_^ or ;_;. I mean seriously, if your writing can't convey the emotion you want it to then you're just as bad, if not worse than Mr. dfjawioeraiodklsajfsjadlkjsdfalkjwaioeufjv m,cnm,n efjl ihjdioasjuriowaejfio fjsdlaj]]]]qwoqkeop;kda;lfks;dfkdfasgfagdsfa>>>.

As this blog shows, the result of overusing those little bitches ain't pretty. Seriously folks, just don't do it.

Or in commandment form:
Thou shalt not overuse emoticons



The ending that you have been waiting for is that none of us at LemonParty are pregnant, unfortunitly we are all either male, or as I said in my previous entry, dead. If any woman would like to join LemonParty and possibly get pregnant that would be wonderful, because our PR department currently has nothing to work with. Thank you.


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 6:19 PM (0) comments

 
What am I, chopped liver?
There have been problems here at LemonParty, no I won't go into the details but one of our members is dead and the other is a mental ward. However that's not what this post is about; this post is about LemonParty's state of being, and as it would happen, it's ailing.

Now before you decide to tell me that you're a doctor and this is the healthiest blog you've ever seen, let me try something philosophical. If there was no one there to interact with you, do you really exist? That is to say, if your actions make no impact on someone else are you really there?

Scientists have proven that no, you arn't. Which as you can see is a problem.

We have had all of 6 people comment (excluding the lemonparty crew), only 6 people in LemonParty's long career. These people are:

Lorenzo
-lc
youknowwhobitch
Kira at college
bleh
l

This is a problem and since the scientists have also decided that if a group of people are an entity then they can't use each other to validate their existance. As the Spanish would say: "Que Problema!"

I mean if you mozy on over to this blog you'll notice that this person gets an orgy of comments, ranging anywhere from "woo first comment, i'm a dumbass who has nothing better to do than look for blogs and post first comment" to "I'm sorry to hear of your pain dude"

Either way this kid get's at least 10-20 comments per post! According to scientists he is now some sort of demi-god.

LemonParty, a hilarious blog that is fun for the whole family chocked full of wholesome blogger information and family fun is averaging .2 comments (originals, not us) per post. We are very very close to becoming insubstantial, and as such I felt that the best thing to do would be to bring this problem to the readers of this blog, and seeing as there are none of you we are sure to fade out.

I know that you have spent a long time reading that, but I have one request, if you somehow stumble upon this blog and read this. Please, tell my wife that I love her and never meant to hurt her.

Thank you.


Edit: To all those who believe that this a desperate ploy for comments, I can only tell you the truth, it is not that. This is something far deeper, a look into humans and philosophy. If you do not understand the entry, then please do yourself a favor and make a delicious sandwhich packed full of your favorite foodstuffs, because I can promise you that in 50 years, my name will still be Andrew

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 6:13 PM (0) comments

 
Sup? n2m u? Im good how bout u? Coo coo. Neway I wuz riten this cuz I was wunderin if u wuld like to go out wit meh. See i think that ur cute n I wuld rly lik to have a bf, plz rite me back kk? kewl. ^_^

-Sarah







No fukin way bicth. Im datin ur best frind. She has biggar b00bz than u evar culd. LOL ur so dumb. FUk off.


So you've just gotten that response back after sending your secret crush a loveletter, and now with all your hopes and dreams crushed you run to your computer to share it with the world so that they'll pity you, which will of course make you feel better. It always does.

(Before I continue, I feel like I should be noting this. You can be completely retarded and still not type like that, I'm simply using a simulation of the worst possible writing so that you all can have a base and then build up your knowledge of horrible blogs)

unfortunately, judging from the way you wrote your lovenote you have little or no ability to craft a decent coherent paragraph. Instead of being optimistic and believing that if shown the light you'll suddenly be able to write a coherent entry, I am instead going to give you an all purpose entry to copy and paste into your blog. You fuckwits just hit the goldmine here.


TODAY FUCKING SUCKED!


That's it. No reason why, no nothing. Odds are that your reason probably sucked anyway. Besides, if you don't open your mouth then no one will realize how stupid you are.

You could theoretically use only happy, depressed, and angry entries in your blog. However since I am constantly bored and there's a whole slew of emotions that could be covered this article will continue on, worry not good sirs, it will continue on.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 8:44 PM (0) comments

 
What's in a name?
"In the end, whatever, we die we dissolve, equations unbalanced, riddles unsolved"

That, my dear good friends, is a quotation from a song by The Dismemberment Plan. There's no real reason for it being here other than the fact that I find it to be a cool phrase, and the singer's delivery makes it my favorite part of the song. That's right, I can write anything here and you'll have to read it.

Actually, for the sake of simplicity I'll use this as a way to move into my actual topic (Those of us who've made into middle school English refer to that as a "segue" pronounced segway - Odovaucer). The excerpt comes from a song called "Back and Forth", and get this: part of the song (the chorus) corresponds to the title; imagine that!

Here's the chorus for those of you who want to know how they fit together:


So throw your hands in the air
And wave them like you just don't care
It's on a whim; it's on a dare
To shrug away what we can't bear
And we're going back and forth
And back and forth and back and forth and back
We're going back and forth
And back and forth and back and forth and back


Holy cow, does that ever match the title!

It has come to my attention, however, that many blogs do not follow this rule. Many blogs try as some songs do, to have a title that either doesn't tie in at all or trying to hide it's meaning cleverly with large words that may or may not be relevent to blogging (or the song). And while many songwriters have the talent and intelligence to not only write the songs but also spell words correctly, you do not. It's a fact, a sad one, but a fact nonetheless. Let the songwriters be the clever ones, let the engineers design things, let the coders code, and the rest of you mongloids can just pump our gas.

That said I have compiled a small list of blogs (livejournals, deadjournals) that have decided to beat the system, and instead of putting up a title like "Username('s blog)" or "Alex's thoughts" or just "My blog," they have decided to think outside the box. Congratulations, you've failed miserably.

First off we have: Deranged Fun, how this blog is deranged or fun I have no clue. But don't just take my word for, take this entry entitled Halloween:


Ghouls, goblins, witches, vampires and...

FAT KIDS HAULING ASS DOWN THE ROAD SNATCHING LITTLE KID'S BAGS OF CANDY!!!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!


HAHAHahaha...? ok... That was neither deranged nor fun. In fact I want the minutes of my life back after your reading your blog/journal. Just call it "Justin's Journal" you jackass.

Ooh ooh, here's another good one: My Bowl of Noodles. A bit more entertaining than the last title but still not quite witty enough. Wow, your thoughts are like noodles in a bowl. Since the noodles are IN the bowl that implies that they're cooked. So while we have your thoughts, we have no oomph, no sauce, no speciality; congratulations you're just like the 700000 other people who have blogs.

Next up we have a blog entitled Random Thoughts. Don't get me wrong, this blog is wonderful in that it's coherent, with words that are actually spelled correctly. Another plus is that it doesn't use horribly clashing colors. Still, as this entry is just about names, I must nix this blog. This person doesn't actually share with us random thought's, more so it seems to just be random accounts of his life. Whether this is simply a problem on my end or he doesn't understand the concept of random is still being investigated.

In conclusion Thy Title Shalt Match Thy Blog


My that was exciting! Stay tuned for my next entry where I teach you all how to write an angry entry.


To those who will probably see that my using song lyrics is breaking my own commandment: if I have to explain to you how it's not you probably don't have the intelligence to be reading this blog in the first place.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 5:35 PM

 
A Reevaluation
Hiya kids, if you were hoping to find an insight into life, the universe, or stealing bits from better writers, you've come to the wrong place. Plagiarism is strictly out. Or as I like to put it:

To be or not to be, that is the question. To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.--Soft you now!

Not quite finished, I think it needs a bit more polish. Oh well we'll see. And on to business. Here at Lemon Party I've tried to bring a bit of enlightment to the huddled teeming masses of mediocre bloggers clogging the sewers of the internet. To this end I've given you the ongoing saga of the commandments and enlisted another writer to bring another persective on your idiocies (Don't get me wrong, I find your utter stupidity adorable; verily I love you like children, just retarded children). He also (without my go ahead if oyu care to know) added a feature of his own. A bit of positive advice in writing better entries. What can I say, he's a little less cynical, a little less jaded, probably he's just browsed fewer comments pages. Which brings me to the main point of this exercise in futility. A third series is upon us. This I've got a heretofor ignored topic: Comments. Yes, comments. In common parlance they suck. Like a two dollar Indochinese hooker, to be specific (Yes I've decided that Geordie Tait is a better man than I. He may very well be the only one, but he is.). The point is I'm not blaming you! It's like running in the Special Olympics. Of course you're shit, but it's because you don't know any better. But that's about to change I'm going to provide with an opportunity for betterment. We'll start out with simple objective ways to improve. Then moving into slightly more subjective terrain. Perhaps the later elements may provoke a dissentine response. If so feel free to respond. There is a comments system here after all. Just don't expect me to treat you as an equal as chances are you're a mongoloid with indulgent parents and perpetual flecks of spittle slowly trickling down your chin.

With that said Commentary on Commentary shall kick it up a notch to a very simple subject: Names. Pseudonyms are fine. If you're a pussy there's no reason not to try to disguise your identity. And if you want to run the gimmick gauntlet more power to you. Cowzertraz's comments system is infested with gimmick trolls, many of them controlled by several different people. The problem is when you can't decide how to obscure your name. If you list your name as dc there's no reason to sign your name as dorenzo at the end of the post. You've already been indentified as dc! Pick a name and go with it. And even if your name is dc, you don't need to put that at the bottom of the post when there's a fucking line marked NAME. That's for your NAME. NAME! In your hypothetical case that would be your choice of dc and dorenzo.

And in other news the LP stable has added another to stud to its pastures. Sorry, that imagery is just too much. I'm going to have to stop typing for amoment to have a giggle break. (Some time later) Anyway, Carver Buns will be joining us shortly. And furthermore he has promised to write all of his updates...in the nude. It's a daring new strategy, never before attempted by any writer, not even a former member of the Monty Python cast hard at work on the novelization of a computer game designed by Douglas Adams. So in a feat of utter originality CarverBuns is in like Flynn (eccept nekkid).




And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 11:03 PM (0) comments

 
Don't worry, your eyes will stop burning in a few minutes. In that time just try and make the best of it.
The next blog (deadjournal) that I am about to show you breaks many rules, including but not limited to: horrible color scheme, inane ramblings, butchery of the English language, the inability to make more than one giant paragraph. Man does that list just go on and on. I mean fuck. Wow.

But that's not what this entry is about, this entry my dear good readers is about soul, heart, oomph. It's that extra little kick that makes your blog not just a blog. But a Blog. You catch my drift hip cats?

Some of you veteran blog readers may recognize the look of this sentence:

so i went to the mall today (with bob) and we look around and did stuff. i cant believe that bob told me to fuck off when i told him that i was gay and wanted his hot hot body. no one understands me

What's this? No apostrophes? No capitalizing? What the hell is up with that? And don't give me the "My shift key is broken" bullshit, I saw those parentheses, I know that it's in working order.

This commandment my friends deals with heart, or in this case lack there of. Go the extra mile, add those capitalized letters and apostrophes, add them with joy knowing that when your word processor gets fucked up and no longer capitalizes words for you, that you'll remember how to all the same and your English teacher will give you an A. Yes, that's right, an A. (This offer void in the state of Michigan)

Thou shalt capitalize and use apostrophes


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
- posted by Andrew @ 10:18 PM (0) comments

 
Episode Two: Return to the forbidden planet
Last week I promised that we (the writers) would show you (the viewers) how to write a happy entry, full of love, happiness, and puppies(Or at least their charred remains - Odovaucer). And so I am here to do that for you.

Although you won't see many happy entries these days I still feel that it is important to go over them, since of course some of you wonder WHY we don't see them scientists once again have the answer. Scientists believe that the amount of "blogging" one does is normally directly proportional to one's angst. They've cranked out this nifty equation for figuring it all out. B = X * .25 + 1.

Where B is the amount one updates his blog (a week)
X is the amount of angsty things in one's life
and the 1 is simply an all purpose entry, sometimes used for angst.

While this isn't true in all situations, it probably stands true for most of them.


But I digress from the point, the point being that I (turtle_07) will show you (the reader) the does and don'ts of happy blogging.

Here is what you should under no circumstance do:

RaAchEl tuld meh a gr8 joke tday. SHe wuz liek y did teh chiken cross the rode. EnD I wuz lik y. NaD she Sade: TO GET TO TEH OTHAR SIDE! ROFL ROFL ROFL LOL ^_^. Neway I g0t a new GF and she is prettay and niec and she has big bb00bz :) :) :) :)

PEACE UOTE TO ALL MAH PEEZP!!

_-XXXSOULREAVERXXX-_

At this point some of you may doubt the validity of my example. For those people I present to you Xanga, try the random link a few times and see what treasures you can dig up.

Let's see if we at Lemon Party can do a better job than what we at Lemon Party just did:

So I was standing right outside my classroom waiting for the teacher to unlock the door when all of a sudden out of nowhere Rachel just asks me: "You know why they chicken crossed the road?"

"Dunno" I said "Why?"

"TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!"

Oh man did I crack up at that one. I dropped all my books and was desperately holding onto the locker for support. Never in my life have I heard such hilarity. I wonder if Rachel thought it up by herself.

Oh yea... I always got a girlfriend too. She's nice, and pretty. We went to starbucks to hang out and we both ordered the same thing, crazy huh? I couldn't stop staring at her chest she's got the biggest set of knockers you've ever seen. I mean they defy time and space they're so huge. I think that I could write an entire psychics textbook describing them. Man were are they fucking huge.

Thanks to everyone for reading this

_-XXXSOULREAVERXXX-_

Still isn't great, but it isn't horrible either. Lemon Party has done it again!



Go out all ye bloggers and blog without fear, Lemon Party shall guide you with it's holy light, for we shall all know the glory that be Lemon Party.
(Do you like my swank one time change to the Lemon Party signature?)
- posted by Andrew @ 5:42 PM (0) comments

 
Exploits of an Asshole
Today I thought I'd show you a little slice of life, a look into what goes on inside the head of Lemon Party's premier second poster: turtle_07. All necessary backstory is provided in this telling SA thread. I suggest you see it through to its conclusion.






And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 8:12 PM (0) comments