Lemon Party
Monday, October 31, 2005
Gather 'round the fire children
The transmission should be coming through loud and clear now. If not, try adjusting your set for better reception.
Why is tonight different from all other nights? On all other nights we log onto the Interwebnation Superhighway and read Lemon Party, but tonight we dress up in strange costumes and knock on people's doors demanding candy or party hearty in our peculiar outfits.
The answer, my child, is that tonight is Halloween. Halloween, that pagan festival that corrupts our children's minds with pagan imagery and corrupts their bodies with disgusting sugary confections. Ah yes, Halloween.
It wasn't always like this though. No, no, Halloween was once a bittersweet emotional day, not the saccharine sweet perversion we endure today. You see, the name "Halloween" is a corruption of "Hollow In," which in turn was a truncation of "Hollow Inside." Many years ago Hollow Inside, the annual festival of the jelly donuts, happened every October thirty-first. Hollow Inside was an acknowledgement of the bleakness of man's life. Occurring just at the onset of winter, the darkest and dreariest time of the year Hollow Inside was an explicit reference to the emptiness of our existences. Without purpose man was truly hollow inside.
Why then the costumes and the jelly donuts if it was such a bleak holiday? Well Hollow Inside was both an acknowledgement of that emptiness and also a chance to begin to remedy that predicament. Everyone in town would assume the identity that he or she thought might be a role that could bring meaning into his or her life. It was a chance to experiment, a rebirth into a new caste, a new life. Jelly donuts came to symbolize this duality. Traditional donuts are, of course, completely empty on the inside. They are without center, without core, without anchoring to this mortal coil. They are symbols of our lives, they are symbolic of unenlightened man. The jelly donut is the subversion of this paradigm. Where once there was but emptiness now there is sweet fruit filling. Gay colors swirl out of the region once nothing more than a great void.
Not everyone found happiness on the fest of Hollow Inside, but there was always next year to try again. Over time the festival lost its significance in the eyes of the people, and the traditional foods and costumes lost out to modern replacements. Now we ate highly processed candies and dress in ludicrous and fanciful costumes, representing things we would never hope to be. Halloween is an empty mockery of Hollow Inside, and, to add insult to injury, what was celebration of hard-working Christians has become associated with paganism and witchcraft.
And that is the story of Halloween, my child. So if you go out trick or treating on this Halloween or a future October thirty-first, remember that the creepy guy down the street who always offers you homemade jelly donuts isn't a convicted child molester; he's just a man who understands the true meaning of Halloween.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Friday, October 28, 2005
Cellars of IMDb: Mos Def Acts and Raps But Does Not Model Swimwear
Mos Def (ne Dante Terrell Smith) is a hugely talented performer with a burgeoning acting career and a reputation as one of the most important rappers of the last twenty years. He's had major roles in two recent summer blockbusters and a number of critically acclaimed roles in smaller pictures. Yet he is still something of an unknown.
Last week we left off at The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, so there we shall begin.
Def plays Ford Prefect, a sort of interstellar Zagat writer, who finds himself stuck on the rather rustic planet of Earth, which is about fifteen minutes from its destruction.
Ford, like everything in the movie, is larger than life and more than a little silly, which is something of a shift from a career highlighted by understated performances and underground hip-hop. Still, though Ford is played in broad strokes, he is still one of the most grounded of the film's characters. As the dimwitted President of the Galaxy, a diabolical cult leader, and a clinically depressed robot grab for the audiences attention Ford serves as strong, comparatively quiet center for the film.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy was the capstone to a stupendous 2004 for Mos Def. While filming THGTTG The Woodsman hit theatres, Something the Lord Made aired on HBO, and released his sophomore album, Grammy-nominated The New Danger.
The New Danger was critically acclaimed and is difficult to characterize briefly. Ostensibly a hip-hop album it has elements of various styles of rock and roll, as well as clear reggae and soul influences, among others.
Def's performance as Vivien Thomas alongside Alan Rickman's Alfred Blalock in Something the Lord Made netted him an Emmy nomination, and finally some attention on his acting career. The picture, a true story of breakthroughs in heart surgery and the constant struggle with racism, is heart-warming (Get it, heart-warming?) and powerful. Mos Def's performance is quietly moving; Thomas's great inner strength is always just below the surface.
The Woodsman was not widely released, but was leagues better than the overwhelming majority of 2004's other films. Its popularity waslimitedd however by its minimal release and its difficult themes. Thee film follows Walter (Kevin Bacon), who has just been released from prison after twelve years. Walter is quiet and withdrawn from those he meets and eventually it is revealed that he was imprisoned for molesting little girls. Despite the immediate visceral reaction against him for his pedophilia, Walter is an easy character to get behind. Everybody who sees this picture is rooting for him to get his life back on track and to atone for his past sins. Mos Def's performance as Walter's parole officer, Sgt. Lucas, plays an integral part in the development of that sympathy.
Sgt. Lucas hardly ever raises his voice past a croon barely louder than a whisper, and it is more powerful than the barking of any stereotypical police interrogator. Mos Def only appears for three scenes of total length not more than fifteen minutes, but Sgt. Lucas dominates the screen so effectively that the audience is hardly aware of the brevity of his appearances. Lucas's uncaring hostility for his charge is chillingly cold, and we are never sure how much he knows and how much is his supposition.
2003's The Italian Job was Def's first shot at a major role, albeit a supporting one. He was the only actor who managed to perform his role (that of demolitions expert and comic relief man Left Ear) as well as the Mini Coopers did theirs. Somehow that disaster has a sequel in the works.
2002 saw Mos Def's Broadway debut in Topdog/Underdog, which in turn led to a Obie Award-winning turn in an off-Broadway production of Fucking A. Both were written by Suzan Lori Parks and directed by George Wolf.
Def previously turned in memorable, though minor performances in Monster's Ball (2001) and Spike Lee's Bamboozled (2000),as well as a number of lessnoteworthyy roles in much less noteworthy movies.
In 1999 he releases his long-awaited debut solo LP, Black on Both Sides. Rap once again could have a message.
In the two years prior he built up an underground reputationprimarilyy on the strength of his 1997 single "Universal Magnetic" and his collaboration with Talib Kweli, known as Black Star.
Mos Def has also hosted Def Poetry and performed sketch comedy on the Lyricist Lounge Show and Chappelle's Show.
Tune in next week when I write more things and then post them on the Internet.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
The Holy Trinity
Today we'll be looking at blogs. You do remember blogs, right? We'll briefly examine three weblogs on three different sites.
First off we have the aptly titled Heratarded.blogspot.com. That is to say her name is Hera and she is retarded. She's also 20 (or at least whenever she wrote that part. The thing is over a year old, so who knows). She's a Christian. She's a singer. She's a fourth year architecture student, and -get this- she's "crazy with a capital C." Isn't that just precious? No, that's no typo, she didn't capitalize the "c" in crazy. I'm sure it was ironic comment on today's pharmaceutical-obsessed culture.
No I'm not. I think she's retarded. Not that there's anything wrong with being retarded, mind you. It's a perfectly valid lifestyle choice. As an exercise in self-loathing I am going to analyze her most recent post and discuss its most glaring flaws. I will do so as if I were directly addressing her because it's more abrasive that way.
1. You fails to capitalize the first words of sentences or the word "I." You do, however, capitalize most proper nouns. Try consistency.
2. I'm sorry, but I refuse to believe that you created your nieces and younger cousins, therefore I cannot accept that you were their creator.
3. I'm sorry, but I refuse to believe that you taught your nieces and younger cousins how to live with their mutant powers. In fact I find it highly unlikely that they even have mutant powers. Therefore I cannot accept that you were their "Professor X."
4. You didn't fit in with the kids your age so tagged along with older kids. No one else has ever felt superior to her peers. No one. I especially like how you talk about "belonging" to the teens at age eleven and subsequently to the adults at age seventeen. In attempting to make yourself look cool and mature you come as a pet and a plaything.
5. That's creepy.
6. That's really creepy. You then discuss being "courted" by various much older men. No else has ever been hit on by an older guy. Younger girls are certainly not easier, and even if they were no one would be so crass as to take advantage of them.
7. God did work in the latter part of your high school life. God expends exactly the same amount of work at all times. No matter what sort of religion you follow, a directly intervening God is paradoxical and implausible.
8. I have no idea what "FAITHFACTOR" is. I really don't want to, because I'm pretty sure it has something to do with your religion, which I hear may be some sect of Christianity. Just capitalize respectfully.
9. Don't use all eight of your exclamation points in the last two paragraphs.
10. Don't switch into shorthand after an ellipses. If that part was written separately it should be a separate entry. If it was altogether it should have a transition and be written in the same style as the first section.
None of those are really shocking or nonsensical complaints. They're all hopefully the things you were thinking when you read the thing. Of you read thing. I guess there wasn't any reason to; I tend to do that part for you. Do you read the linked pages? Answer in the comments, I guess. Or don't. I've had plenty of time to learn not expect much reaction. It's alright though, I seem to write these things regardless of outside stimulus or lack thereof.
We'll table the lachrymose rambling for a fortnight or so. For now, let's move on to door number two, also known as Livejournal.com/users/sasabear. Apparently the blog is named after a children's book and a Hammer film or a Jesse McCartney song and a Blues Traveler album. My guess is the latter. [redacted], who lists her name, birthdate, and location prominently in her blog's right column, confides in us, her friends, the travails of her day. Let's look closely now. Oh my, this post is flawed! Please, allow me to chide you on your shortcomings.
1. How does one forget grammar in a year? It is the framework, the very backbone of both written and spoken English. A school-based paper is not the only reason to use appropriate grammar. You should, in fact, almost always use proper grammar, or at least a fair approximation thereof so people like me can't make fun of you publicly like this.
2. Please, please, please be consistent with your punctuation, and limit yourself when it comes to exclamation marks. After a certain point they lose a great deal of their potency. Ten per post is well past that limit.
3. I really doubt that anyone in the world needed to know that you put gas in your car. I mean really. I think that's really something of a no-brainer. I have used the word "really" in every sentence of this paragraph. Really.
4. Queen is band. That's a group of people who perform music together. A band cannot be gay. Not even the band the Village People is gay. The Village People is not sexually attracted to other bands, even though ever member of the band was homosexual. Queen, on the other hand, was composed primarily of heterosexuals. Of the four members only Freddie Mercury showed any interest in same-sex relations, and he was technically bisexual, and of course he is very dead today, so any reference to the poor fellow should be in the past tense.
Long story short: Queen is not gay, and [redacted] is dumb, but apparently not as ignorant as her peers. Chilling thought, that. Now for number three, Xanga.com/Edward_Raff. Edward Raff is, one would think, writing in style one might consider tongue in cheek. This however is an incorrect assumption. The task before me is a monumental one, so I have wisely opted to allow you to come to your own conclusions as to what is wrong with the post I have reproduced, in its entirety, below. I feel dirty reading it, and I fear I have corrupted my beloved Lemon Party simply by posting such filth here. Alas the deed is done.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Why do poeple think they are better then me beacue they no one thing that i dont? I dont know hebrew, and the Jewishreligon that well. I cant argue about hebrew, becaue it is memorizing, but in jewish calsses, just becasue i KNOW how to ask a question, from a religously unbiost veiw, dosnt mean im stupid, it means i have a broder range of thought than you. Just becaue i dont acept things because the torah says so, dosent mean im ignorant; it means i question and search for the truth.
I have grown up learning how to think, not to know. By thinking i discover, and thus know more. By knowing more, my mind becomes clear on more things, and i can make decision that are right the first time. I dont need to sue a pencile in math, i know im right, i almost always am. I need a pencil in the subjects that i LEARN. I dont need your second rate colledge diploma to prove my intelect, ill prove you wrong twice over and show you every logical way to do it right. I wish people, could just learn that i, am , not normal. Dont think of me as on of your statistic teenagers, im above that. im not on ur damned line charts, and pie graphs. Dont treat me like abother pice of dehrdrated meat on an production line. I need something diffrent, something more....
Feel free to discuss via comments. Or commit suicide. Via comments.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Friday, October 21, 2005
Cellars of IMDb: Sam Rockwell is Talented But Not a Mr. Ripley
It's been awhile since we've had one of these. Far too long. Last time I left you with what was hopefully a tantalizingly peculiar image.
Hopefully you were able to deduce that this is a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and, specifically, Donatello (my personal favorite). Who in this movie could possibly be of interest? Well, if you've read the title of this update you'll probably know his name. He is Sam Rockwell.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle was only Rockwell's second film role, and he played the somewhat unglamorous role of "Head Thug." There were better things to come.
Well, primarily there were more small-time crook roles, including:
Jack and His Friends
Light Sleeper
Basquiat
He managed to move up a little bit in the underworld ranks in Matchstick Men as conman Nicolas Cage's talented protege. One of the few films in which he didn't manage to steal too many scenes from his costars. The frenetically OCD Cage is always the focus, and Rockwell is the perfect foil, happy-go-lucky and never so over-the-top as to steal focus. He's also stepped up his extra-legal roles in a less whimsical (but more critically acclaimed) sort of way.
The Green Mile, yet another Stephen King adaptation, is the story of a group of death row inmates and their guards. Sam Rockwell is distinctive as one of the more psychotic inmates.
He manages to be monstrous and grotesque in every way, a marked contrast to most of his roles as unexpectedly charming ne'er-do-wells. His most critically-acclaimed role for instance, that of Trent in Lawn Dogs starring opposite an adorable ten-year-old Mischa Barton.
His award-winning turn as the white trash landscaper befriended by his wealthy clients' daughter opened doors for Rockwell. Two years later in 1999 he appeared prominently and memorably in the dramatic The Green Mile and the comedy Galaxy Quest.
Galaxy Quest, a send-up of Star Trek and its obsessive fans (trekkies), featured Rockwell as fan-turned-typical-generic-expendable-last-nameless-character. Indeed his character as know merely as "Guy" for the majority of the film.
Somehow his paranoid mewling manages to turn the stereotypical meat-shield into one of the most memorable performances of the film. If you've been following this series you're probably at least a little bit of a nerd. It's just the sort of people who like movies and the Internet. That means you've probably had some contact with Star Trek, which in turn means that this movie will bring to mind all those questions you had about the old show and its more devoted fans.
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
As always Rockwell shines, but in a leading role now. He plays Chuck Barris, host of classic gaming show The Gong Show. The thing that distinguishes the real-life Barris from the host of other TV hosts is that he claimed to be a CIA assassin.
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind takes him at his word. Rockwell perfectly captures the dichotomies of Barris's alleged double life in George Clooney's otherwise uneven directorial debut.
Rockwell's best known performance by far is his turn as Zaphod Beeblebrox in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
Critics were lukewarm to it, and in truth the film has its problems. None of those problems were Sam Rockwell. Our subject is glorious as the really quite dim President of the Galaxy. The character's delightful stupidity and arrogance send the movie zipping across the known galaxy, wacky hijinks unsurprisingly ensuing at every turn.
Besides, how could you not love that face?
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Touched by an Angel
Hello, and welcome back to another exciting edition of "turtle_07 posts a post after not posting for a long time, but he promises to post again post haste". Or as we say in the inter-world "TPAPANPFALTBHPTPAPH." Yeah, fucking sweet. In case you've all missed the last couple months of our lives (and the previous edition of this post), I'm at college now. It's a commonly held belief that Odovaucer is also at college, but we can't really be sure of that. I mean is there any mathematical or scientific way to prove that Odovaucer is in fact at college? I propose to you, humble readers of our humble blog, that Odovaucer does not, in fact, exist.
(Myself, I'm somewhat ambivalent on this subject to tell the truth - Odovaucer)
Has anyone ever really seen Odovaucer? Is there mathematical proof that he exists? Scientific tests that we can do? Why do we never see a picture of him at his Facebook account? I mean sure, you could look at his so-called "posts" and his so-called "Facebook account" and say something like "Ye unfaithful, look upon his works and tremble," and you'd be right... but only partially. (I don't think an imperative sentence can really be right or wrong, but I think we can figure out what he's driving at here - Odovaucer) I mean sure we've seen signs of his work, but there's no way of knowing if they're actually his or some elaborate prank.
Face it, you nuts, he's not real. Sure you'll go on ranting about how I'm wrong and start citing his Cellars of IMDb updates and talk about how there's no other rational explanation for their existence and that they certainly didn't evolve from lesser updates. The sad fact is that if you nuts ACTUALLY read the updates that your so-called "Odovaucer" was putting out you'd see just how they evolve into his IMDb updates, but no, you crazies only read the posts that you want to read and ignore everything else. Face it, whoever's playing this Odovaucer is good... but there's none of this "impossible that such posts could have come into being otherwise" shit.
Furthermore, I don't see how believing in Odovaucer helps at all if you don't actually follow his updates. Sure you talk all big about how Odovaucer says this, and Odovaucer recognizes Brendan Fraser as a cool actor (Tall actor, actually - Odovaucer, reacting pedantically to his existence being questioned) but you don't follow his laws of updating your blogs. No! You read what you want to read and then you condemn me for not following Odovaucer's so-called "code." First off you fuckers aren't even following the blogging commandments and second off your so-called "code" is cobbled together from an elaborate prank involving the Internet Movie Database and some actors that some random prick thinks are cool. Jesus, just get over yourselves already. Alright? THANK YOU.
I'm sorry you all had to sit through that, but it's been on my mind for a while.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.