Blogster McBloggy Blog
I'm still waiting on more ideas for what I should write about. I know that you people are there, currently we do have 20 some unique views and no one is giving me ideas. A long time ago I posted about not getting comments and somehow we were able to scrounge up about four people. One of them is our newest member, who, after making fun of me for asking for comments tried to insult me. Whatever happened, we had a jolly good time. Especially me, who copy and pasted his name I believe no less than 20 times in the next update. I would copy and paste it for you nice kids now, but the comment system when down and we lost the stream of gibberish that eventually turned into one of our least prominent posters. That's all in the psat now. No, I didn't misspell past, there will be a test later.

As I said in my previous post, no commandments for today, and more than likely no more commandments from me ever. So until I can think (or you give me ideas HINT MOTHERFUCKING HINT) I will be doing a small and short lived feature called: Stop Living You God damned Shit Heads.

SLYGDSH is where I, the writer and head chef, tell you, the viewers and pastry, how much I want you to stop living. Not you of course, but you, the bloggers. Anyway, I'll find a few blogs that I hate and want to kill... with a knife... and post them... with a knife...

Anyway, we're on a first blog. Don't you hate it when your friends who are taking Spanish decide to start talking smack about you behind your back? It's kind of the opposite of that... I think. Anyway, I don't just hate English speakers, I hate foreign languages too. Especially when their alphabet is gibberish. I've found so many blogs that just look positively retarded only to find out that they're in Russian. How hard it is to speak English anyway? Shit heads.

Let's face it, I hate you. I hate your taste in music, I hate your inane ramblings, I hate your dog, I hate your mother, and I hate your god damned blog layout! It's like the normal layout... ONLY PINK! What the hell kind of idea was that? Let's take the normal ugly layout and then make it bright pink. Everything is pink, it's like a 5 year old girls bedroom. Usually I would make a reference to their intelligence, stating that it was probably on par with the five year olds. This time however, I'm not going to.

To be honest this isn't as fun or as amusing as I thought it would be. But instead of erasing this all and starting over with a better update, I'm just going to change topics immediately. To what I'm not sure about yet, normally I sort of have a general idea in mind and then go from there. This time though I think that I'll just start typing things until I get something good.

Good...

Good.... good like soviet Russia! I think... oh this isn't going very well. Honestly, I tried. I blame all of you. Had you actually given me ideas in my previous update I could be trying them out right now, with hilarious results. But instead I have to write this entry dealing with Soviet Russia. WHO THE FUCK WRITES ABOUT SOVIET RUSSIA THESE DAYS?! I sure as fuck didn't want to, but NOOOOO you had to reduce me to it, pieces of shit.

That's it, this entry is over, there is nothing else to say. I hope that you all are happy for yourselves.



And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 10:17 PM (0) comments

 
Viva Las Lemons
This update has two parts, I shall begin with the first and more important of the two:

Lemon Party is a site. A very important site. It is a site, where three old men pleasure each other. Their courage and strength are beacons of hope to all of us, which is why Lemon Party (The blog) was created. We wanted to give them not only proper representation but also share the beacon of joy and warmth with the world, and the best way to do that was of course to create this blog and begin making fun of other blogs. The mechanics of that statement are quantum mechanics and as such I don't expect you to understand them, needless to say however we have entered stormy waters.

The commandments that we have been doing have been wonderful, and I have enjoyed writing most of them, but they cannot last forever. The last few commandments have been random, they have been oddities that I have been able to find and point out during my blog searches. They cannot last forever, and already I fear that I will not be able to come up with any more. Odovaucer, who also posts on this blog doesn't post often enough to really care, he'll find a commandment to post about because he just has the time to look for anything and everything. I of course am not quite so lucky, I provide most of the filler, hilarious filler, but filler none the less. Since my whole 'telling you how to create entries' never really caught on, that and they were stupid, I have decided to ask you, the readers for advice. What sort of blog related posts can I make without coming up with a new commandment every few days? I understand that many of you would never be caught dead commenting on this blog as the godless cretins... I mean your friends would probably shun you and hate you, but please, for the good of the party I beg of you, give me ideas. If the ideas are not too retarded I'll probably try them all out and see what I like best. If I get no ideas at all I'm going to go home and cry myself to sleep. Which will be rather hard seeing as I am already at home, but that's besides the point.

Phew, it is a good thing, a very good thing indeed to get that off my chest. Loyal readers of Lemon Party, do your stuff!


That said, and said I did say. Let's move onto the real update, the commandment part of the update, because you filthy worms need as much direction in your life as possible otherwise you'd probably fill it with drugs and beastiality. Anyway this update deals with death, death and happiness. I'm not exactly sure why, but it does.

As I was saying before I got off topic, which wasn't actually off topic, just stupid. Anyway, as I was going to say: eyes are wonderful. In my last update I insulted everyone with an eye color other than blue, in this update I plan to bring everyone back together. Whether you have brown eyes, or blue eyes, green eyes, or satanic red ones we call all agree on one thing: dark text on a dark background is hard to read, as is light text on a light background. I mean it's not like an intelligence thing, or some other stupid ugly stupid head thing. It's a god damned "I CAN'T FUCKING SEE ANYTHING" thing. Now by the time you click on the links they might have been changed. Unlike someone's writing skills, which will change slowly (or not at all), sometimes they actually gain some common sense and change their background. One such link that I had planned changed suddenly into something more readable.

Luckily for you, I have still managed to find blogs with a retarded text/background color combination.

This blog is slightly readable, I mean it's not horrible. However it still takes me a moment to figure out what the hell he's saying.

Red text on black = good. Red text on red car background = bad!

This one isn't so hard to read, as it is fucking ugly. There's a white background of a girl and some lines. Real good background you got there champ, I especially like how it scrolls with me and partially obstructs my vision but not enough to be really noticeable, just enough to piss me the fuck off.

So remember kids, when you can't cope Jesus offers

Thou shalt make thine blog readable



And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 9:03 PM (0) comments

 
Power Overwhelming
We are approaching a new era my friends. While we at Lemon Party are amazingly talented and witty individuals, we still run into problems like any other human beings. Just like this person does. Sure I don't know who they are, nor have I read their journal, but they have one, and that's all that I need to know that they are probably whining about one thing or another. I mean that's what you have a journal to do, to whine, to bitch, to complain, and even on some rare occasions, to tell people how happy you are. Sometimes they are used, like we at Lemon Party use them, and that's to poke a little harmless (read: not harmless, at least by some people) fun at blogs and the retardation that surrounds them. Honestly, you could be the smartest person ever (not likely) and run a horribly retarded blog. I mean angst itself just seems retarded. Of course I'm only saying that because I haven't experienced the true pain of life. I have a lot of friends, my family is pretty well off, and well... I'm just liked.

On the other hand though...

I've never had a girlfriend.

I've never felt soft lips press against mine... i've never kissed a girl... i've never loved. Oh god I'm going to die alone and no one will ever love me. OH GOD I'M SUCH A FAILURE!! FUCK YOU WORLD! FUCK THE MAN! FUCK THE POLICE! FUCK THAT CUNT TZEITEL FOR GETTING MARRIED IN THE SONG THAT I'M LISTENING TO! FUCK YOU ALL.

You know Odovaucer? He has a girlfriend. I mean he's like the craziest fuck ever, but somehow he gets one. Why not me man? WHY THE FUCK NOT ME!? I'll admit I'm not the best looking guy in the flock, but I'm not bad. I mean I'm not intensely overweight and I have blue eyes. BLUE FOR GODS SAKE! BLUE! I mean what color are his eyes? Probably some piece of shit green or brown. Their such losers, fucking greenies (I will not say brownies... as that would be racist. Oh shit). Whatever. You're all the same with your god damned dominant genes. Us blue eyed people, we have to deal with the recessive genes. You hear that! RECESSIVE! WE HAVE TO LIVE OUR HORRIBLE LIVES WITH OUR HORRIBLE RECESSIVE GENES, IT'S NOT OUR FAULT!

Of course the god damned brown (and green) eyed people don't understand that. And they try to hide how much they hate us behind fancy words. "They're not brown, they're hazel", fuck that noise you son of a bitch. Your eyes are brown and live with it, just cause you're eyes aren't as good as mine doesn't mean that you have to hate me. I am SO sick and tired of these green eyed scum bags beating me up for being different, it's just not fucking cool man. Whatever, I'm not going to complain about them, I'm just better than they are. The conversation is over, anyone who starts it up again is a loser because I ended it right here because I am better than you. BETTER THAN YOU DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME!? Yea, it's over, I'm just above all that arguing.

Now that I'm done arguing we can move on with the update proper. The point that I was trying to make before I dropped into some sort of rant about my eyes (which are very pretty thank you) was that there is a website for everything online. Say that you want hot hot Japanese scat porn, why then you have Tub Girl, or say that you want a place to put up your writings where you, a punk, hip, and nonconformist goth girl get turned into a vampire and then while listening to linkin park you show those conformist bitches who the stupid ones are. Why then you could post it in FictionPress, or if you had an idea for some totally rad fanfiction where all the characters in super smash brothers find romance, then you could post it on it's sister site: Fanfiction.Net. There are sites for everything... and I mean everything.

I mean if I were to go to the forementioned site I would definitely not go looking for... ohh... i don't know, computer hardware. So when you go to a Live Journal do you except to get porn? Or Poetry? Or even computer hardware? No! Of course not. And I mean when sites are set up for specific things they tend to have special features. I don't know what these features are, I guess that you'll just have to trust me on this one. So what I don't get is when people use their blog entirely to tell people about quizzes they took, or to just exclusively post poetry. It's called a weblog for a reason damnit, let's keep it that way!

So in conclusion, keep your Dead/Livejournal a journal, your diary a diary, and your Web Log a weblog. Sure pollute your worthless drivel with shitty poems and useless tests, but always try and keep in mind what it is. If you're just going to try and sell drugs through your blog, keep in mind that there are many better places to do it online. Now before you all start pointing fingers and screaming "hypocrite" keep in mind what this is, a web log, a log of our commandments. Before you start screaming about how yours is a log of your poems, keep in mind that there are MANY MANY websites that are MADE so that you can post shitty poetry. Besides, consider the irony here. In a blog we slam other blogs. I realize that irony is beyond most of you, but to the few that will understand, just consider that.

Blue eyes are superior:

Thou shalt keep thine Blog a Blog


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 8:08 PM (0) comments

 
Look Ma!
If any of you actually read my last update you'd know that I had just introduced a new section to my updates, the game section. So, because I am a man of my word, and a word of my man I have decided to continue with this proud tradition. So, here's the game kids: I'm going to say a name, and then you're going to run into a wall. Because that's all you god damned kids do is run into god damned walls. God damnit I need a drink.

Whatever, you're all failures. However, that doesn't always have to be true. I mean sure you probably run a blog with retarded misspellings and a retarded format, and a retarded font, but that doesn't mean that you can't bring yourself up from the dirt, and like the phoenix be reborn from the ashes of this life! No I'm not talking about suicide, I'm talking about pills! Magical pills that release you from the confines of life and for a short, but precious time, let you fly. Let your mind soar through the aether and let your entire body dissolve in a swirl of liquid colors. This pills are also highly illegal and you should never do them. Ever.

Back on the topic of you being a failure... lesse... what was I going to say? Oh yea, you're still a failure and no amount of drugs will fix that. But luckily for you you have us, Lemon Party, and our one goal in life is to make sure that you have a respectable blog. Sure you've read our other commandments, but you obviously lack what I like to call "Common Sense", or what Odovaucer calls " intuitive reasoning" because he's a smarmy bastard who thinks that he's better than us. But that is far besides and beyond the point. The point being that you're a retard. Sure I've said that word a lot in this post, but sometimes it's necessary to repeat these things over and over and over and over and over and over (see where this is going?) and over and over and over and over and over again because you're a god damned moron.

In case you can't quite grasp the point of this, it's that: while you may be able to follow orders blindly and follow all of these commandments, you probably still lack common sense. Like common sense dictates that one should use actual punctuation instead of replacing all periods, colons, and commas with '...' I mean did you pass 5th grade English or what? And since you're also a lazy bastard who can't even take the time to write out 'you', what purpose does it serve to add in 2 more keystrokes (only one more with a colon) to your entry every time you want to represent a pause?

Watch the length:

So I went to the mall, which was good, I mean it wasn't great.

Peace out

Soul Reavah Q

or

So I went to the mall... which was good... I mean it wasn't great...

Peace out

Soul Reavah Q


Sure that difference doesn't seem like much, but it's 6 extra keystrokes, and lord knows that you only have so many of them before the flesh falls off of your hands and eventually you're put in a home by your children who never visit you anyway. You're a sad wreck of a human being, you know that?


Or to put it bluntly (and multiple times for you dense people)

Thou Shalt Not Use ellipses Instead of Regular Punctuation Thou Shalt Not Use ellipses Instead of Regular Punctuation Thou Shalt Not Use ellipses Instead of Regular Punctuation Thou Shalt Not Use ellipses Instead of Regular Punctuation Thou Shalt Not Use ellipses Instead of Regular Punctuation Thou Shalt Not Use ellipses Instead of Regular Punctuation Thou Shalt Not Use ellipses Instead of Regular Punctuation Thou Shalt Not Use ellipses Instead of Regular Punctuation.



And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 9:00 PM (0) comments

 
It's late and I should really go to sleep
Recently I have received quite a few complaints that Lemon Party is not a family site. And because of this I have decided to start a new and exciting 'game time' portion of the update. Now is that time.

Ok kids, here's the game: You find the nearest phone and count the numbers of buttons on it, then come running back here and tell me. Ready? Set? Go!!!!


While we wait for them let's go over the actual update, please make sure that they don't come into the room for[.] several minutes as there will be cursing. Just between us how many buttons do you think the average phone will have? I mean I have one of those nifty wireless phones and it has 22 buttons, man that's a lot. In case your wondering how many words that would be, just look at the bracketed period. The sentence would have ended right there, doesn't seem like very much now, does it?

For all its faults though, a twenty two word sentence is not a bad thing, I mean it has its place in blogs. Like that sentence for instance. Although imagine loading up Lemon Party and discovering that instead of a long and hilarious update full of kittens and possible drama, you instead find that sentence waiting for you. "Bullshit!" You'd scream, "What kind of mongrel cretin would only update a sentence in his blog! Give me his head!" And rightly so would you scream that, as I said in a previous update: You have all the time in the world.

Now just what does all the time in the world mean? Well for one it means that I can just start telling a story, right here, right now. You ready? I mean like totally ready? Because you know as soon as I start this story there is NO stopping me and there will NOT be breaks. If you don't like this you can just leave the room and go get a drink or something because you're probably ugly anyway. Yea, that's right, ugly. And I bet so is your mother, wanna fight bitch? Cause I will bring it till you don't know what's being brought any more. Yea, you better run.

Now that he's gone we can continue the story, this story involves a little girl name Annabelle and a large Rhino named McRhinosus.

Little Annabelle was once a little girl, but now she was a little woman, with little feet, little hands, and most importantly, a little bra. "Oh woe is me!" cried poor Annabelle "with my A cups I shall never find a decent man who will provide for me and hold me when I am scared" (It was before the women’s movement). Her woeing and screaming attracted a rhino by the name of McRhinosus who hated the sounds of woes. In fact he hated them so much that he once killed a man with only his tongue for even so much as uttering the word woe. Yea, he was one fucked up rhino. So anyways, this rhino was walking by little Annabelles house when he heard her tales of woe. Of course the only logical answer (rhinos aren’t very logical) that he could think of was to kill her. Little did he know that Annabelle was actually a tiny man named Arnaldobelle who had been tracking McRhinosus since he was a five years old because McRhinosus killed his father with his tongue. So when McRhinosus went to charge the house and kill Annabelle, he actually charged into a spear and died. Later Arnaldobelle made rhino patties from his tender rhino meat. This of course attracted the REAL Annabelle who of course had D cups. Arnaldobelle immediately fell in love with her. But after being rebuked by both her and her 8 foot tall Latin boyfriend he was sent to the hospital. Where he then met ANOTHER Annabelle with A cups, and fell in love again, and Annabelle (A cup) immediately fell in love with him, and then broke up with him later. Then the two Annabelles met up somewhere and had hot lesbian sex, the likes of which I cannot describe on this blog.

Moral of the story: don't be so judgmental about breast size... oh and Lesbian sex is hot.


See, I had enough time to write that entry, there is absolutely no reason why your entry should be shorter than at least a paragraph. I mean if you're going to tell us what's going on in your pathetic shitty life, then at least give us some details. What I don't want to see is something like this:

::sigh:: moonlight always is brightest in your darkest hour

No, you're not deep, and if you just broke up with your girlfriend or whatever the hell it is you miserable sacks of human flesh do nowadays then I want to fucking know it. You have an online journal to tell us things about yourself, but posting bullshit like that is telling the viewers that while you may have an online journal to tell them about your life, the only time that it's ever going to update is with inane boring shit like that time that you went to the doctors office and that one woman’s two year old just WOULDN'T stop crying, Jesus Christ bitch, put a goddamn sock in your child.

Let's reiterate:

what do you do when you look forward to something...and then when that time comes..it kills your heart... = BAD


I was really looking forward to the party that Josh was hosting and I was going to take my friend Marla, but at the last minute Marla called me and said that she couldn't come. It was cool I thought, I mean she had never lied to me before, so I just figured that me and her would hang out on the weekend and go on our first REAL date Sunday. When I got to the party though Marla was there WITH Josh! I just started crying and ran to the bathroom. She had promised me... HE HAD PROMISED. THEY HAD PROMISED ME!! This wasn't supposed to happen they said that they were over each other! Oh god I loved her so much... oh god

what do you do when you look forward to something...and then when that time comes..it kills your heart... = GOOD


McRhinoSus Says!:

Thou shalt post entries of reasonable length


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 11:12 PM (0) comments

 
777 is the number of the beast. The people who say 666 are dirty filthy lying communist pig rat dogs.
If you've gone to school, you probably know a good deal of words. If you know a good deal of words, you probably know the word "Seven", the word seven, much like the number 7, is a number. It could be used in many situations, such as: I will need drugs in seven minutes, or if the bus goes under fifty miles per hour then seven we are going to die. The point is that it has a meaning and it does stuff, I'm still not sure what but we've got our scientists on the job 24/7 (there's that number again!) monitoring exactly what seven does. Currently our scientists report that seven is scratching his ass and masturbating to internet porn. And as I am currently listening to the Daft Punk song "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger" I will move onto the actual update.

Actually, no I won't. You little shits don't deserve an actual update. So instead I'm going to tell you about another word, a very friendly and happy word. But things went bad for the friendly little word. You see, it seem that no one wanted to use him.

This word my friends, was named "Summary". Summary you see was best friends with paraphrase. These two little words were neglected by people who were, well... stupid. These two neglected words decided that if people wouldn't come to them, they would go to them. So they set off on a magic ship made of candy canes, brownies, and jalapeno sauce. Like I said, this was a magical ship that could sail between two places in an instant and then transform into a giant robot and fight crime. To make a long story short they got eaten by cannibals.

But their message still lives on! Magic ships are bad news, don't use them.


To those clever smarty pants people who believe that these ramblings count as an update, I guess you're right. So instead I'm going to cover my tracks and do the ACTUAL update now, see that was just the segue to the update. To those who say that the segue us part of the update, shut up.

Anyway, on to kittens. My! Here's a cute one now:




It would appear that I have gone off track, not that I had a track in the first place I just needed an excuse to call you all little shits, because that is what you are. Little shits.

Back to summaries. They're good. Real good. Because honestly if someone said to you "Hay d00d, i missed da Lizzemon Party update, tell me about it!" You're not going to quote the entire thing, you're probably going to say "that turtle_07 is a jackass who likes insulting everyone!" Honestly if you have an update that's 3 pages long, then I guess I may read it, I mean if it's interesting or something. Otherwise you better believe that I'm not going to touch it. So of course the best way to make it interesting is to post a long and convoluted AIM chat conversation where you talk to your best friend about a boy that you like. Of course you're too lazy to actual edit it at all so instead we get a line explaining that you're talking to your best friend online and then a long conversation with about 10 interesting lines. Nevermind that those interesting lines are all in AOL shorthand, there are only 10 of them in an hour long conversation.

Honestly, in this case summary is our friend. That long update could have been turned into:

"So me when I got online I talked to Sarah who told me to not worry about the break up so much and to keep on going. I think that it'll be hard after he broke my heart in XYZ ways, but at least i've got Sarah supporting me."

Now, yours won't actually look like that because you will have things to mention. But the point remains, do above, or this. I think that the choice should be pretty clear. You should have a long time to update, so I mean come on, give it to us with feeling! Don't just throw out some old AIM conversation that you used and expect us to read the god damned thing that may or may not involve inside jokes so inside that we stop reading after the first 5 lines.

In conclusion (this should be a summary), you're a shithead who posts long convoluted chatlogs and expects us to read your 20 pages of pain. Good job champ.

or in commandment form:

Thou shalt not post chatlogs

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 11:20 PM (0) comments

 
Lemon Party, a tale of intrigue, death, and mystery is temporarily out of service, we ask that you please remain in your seats and stay calm, please try to contact your neighbor ASAP to let him/her know the news.

We have set up a temporary refuge from the storm in some old discarded refrigerator boxes, we will be broadcasting all night from our locations so we ask that you bear with us and do not tune out too soon, there may be something interesting happening. This is Ted Trumpet, and we'll brb.



No, you didn't misread, I actually said 'brb'. B R fucking B, that's right motherbitches, brb. You've gotta wonder why the hell I wrote brb, I mean I'm writing in a blog, I have all the time in the world. It's not like I have to pump these things out every ten minutes or some tiny martian will give me a powerful shock and then lay eggs in my brain. No, I write these entries when I want to write entries. This isn't a chatroom where I have to pump out "OMG brb jony dep is hawtt" every five seconds or else you'll lose interest, no it's a god damned blog. Using those acronyms are almost as bad as writing a two line entry explaining to use that, while you are very sorry that you haven't updated in a while there is STILL nothing to update about. Nice update jackass. As much as I hate your inane retarded bullshit if you're going to do a blog, do it right. If you're going to complain about your life, go ahead and bitch and whine. Girlfriend leave you? Glad to hear about it you pathetic waste of flesh, really I am. I'm sure that if I was actually talking about someone I wouldn't be nearly so mean, but the guy that I'm imagining in my head is at least a metric ton and doesn't shower. But when you start adding in ASCII emoticons, the emotion sentences, song lyrics, shitty poems, useless quizzes claiming that if you were a drow then you'd lolth, never mind that lolth is a goddess and you're a god damned waste of flesh.

There are probably other laws that this person is breaking as well, but honestly I can't remember every single commandment that we've done, and I'm pretty sure that those are all of the ones that I've done. There was that one about listening to the people who comment in your blog, but honestly if they're friends with you then they probably won't be putting out very many useful comments.

Now I've lost my train of thought... where was I? Oh yea, you're a metric ton, you don't bathe, and you wonder why your girlfriend left you. Please, tell us about it. I'm going to ask however that you do not post song lyrics, shitty poems (except when you're asking for critique), ASCII emoticons showing you crying [ :*( ;_; ], and a goddamn *sniffles* every five lines ( 8=====>~~ - Odovaucer).

That's a lot I know, and if you can survive not putting all of that in your blog then you're probably going to avoid the next problem, acronyms. I mean sure lots are fine to use. Like PC, or TV, or even NASA, but try and avoid if you will acronyms like: BRB, AFK, and the ever popular LOL. Like I said earlier, you have all the time in the world, there's no reason that you have to pump out an entry every five minutes. Get a glass of water, sit down and think for a moment, and then begin typing your entry.

Sure, I'll read about your shitty life, but when the updates become two lines long and also (somehow) random disjointed pieces of shit with acronyms like LOL every three words, then I may have to ask that you respectfully stop using a blog until you pass some sort of English course.

Blogs are hard work, we understand that. But honestly it shouldn't be too hard to put out a paragraph once every three days detailing your trip to the mall that isn't so worthless that I can't begin to describe how little worth it has.

We've been over this time and time again, it makes your blog look like shit and makes your intelligence look sub par (which may be true, but hell, there's gotta be at least a few reasonably intelligent people out there).

Once again people, PLEASE try and remember:

Thou Shalt Not Use Acronyms (except when sanctioned by The Party)


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

On a different note, dfjawioeraiod, you are leeching FROM the FBI, that's probably a felony of some sort.

And Carverbuns, who is sitting right next to me (last rites), hopes that this not only ruins your day, but also rapes your dog in the ass.
- posted by Andrew @ 9:42 PM (0) comments

 
I haven't announced this fellow as a LemonParty staff member. That's because he isn't. He has posting rights, but he has not yet become a member of the community, he has not yet developed the necessary prerequisites; he has not yet proven himself to his elders. In fact his position here is tenuous to say the least. The details of his writing arrangment can be found here - Odovaucer


Behind the party:
A intimate view of the members behind the party

Odovaucer Ostrogoth

The creator and supposed leader of the Party, this middle-aged Romanian Arab was rejected when he submitted an application to enter the Taliban. Outraged he swore revenge and created his own religion, Ostrogothian, in an attempt to destroy all other religions. Unfortunately he's still the only member. His whereabouts are currently unknown, though he was last seen in a Canada.

turtle_07

After losing in a disputed outcome, this past political candidate currently only coming out of his basement to go to McDonalds, Turtle_07 or Al Gore as he is more commonly known is outraged at what he created, and tries to create laws on a weblog about appropriate internet use.

Carverbuns

Former gay porn star and male prostitute, Carverbuns types all his posts in the nude. In his spare time he stalks/abuses small little children. He is currently looking for a 10 year old boy to be his partner. Yes, he only specifies that he is looking for a 10 year old boy. Disclaimer- If you see Carverbuns and are a 10 year old boy run away as fast as you can. Under no circumstances accept his candy. We believe Carverbuns looks like this:

(I would put in some joke about him applying to be a Catholic priest, but decided not too out of sympathy)

dfjawioeraiod

Nothing is known about dfjawioeraiod, besides that Odovaucer was bored and decided to let him post here.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that was LemonParty.
Because LemonParty is the healthy alternative to your regular Internet programming.
- posted by Uncle Jamal @ 4:00 AM (0) comments

 
Arty to the P
(Interesting but vaguely confusing intro)

(Segue)

(Start of idea)

(Hilarious joke)

(Example of said idea)

(continuation of idea)

(Hilarious joke)

(Snide comment from Odovaucer)

(Wrapping up of an idea)

(Joke)

(Actual wrapping up)

(Commandment)

(Signature involving a link to Lemon Party)

This update in itself was a joke, I'm not actually going to update right now, or as you see now, if I do it ends up being cliched and stupid. This is just a taste of what Lemon Party could look like if we didn't actually spend time planning our updates.

As this drama has stirred up more readers and comments than Lemon Party has ever had, I think that now would be an excellent time to reveal our newest plans.

Lemonpal. It's like paypal, only you give us your credit card number instead of them. If you would like to sign up please email me your:

1)Full name
2)Street address
3)Account name
4)Pass word
5)Credit card number
6)Type of credit card

LemonPal is currently accepted at only two sites, See Goats and Festive Lemons. If you would like to click on those links to see what they sell please at first note the foreboding laughter.

Thank you and have a nice day.
- posted by Andrew @ 12:50 PM (0) comments

 
Commandment of the Moment
Guess who's back! Yes Shady's back; tell a friend. But now that the obligatory introduction is behind us we can move onto the matter at hand. Wah, nobody loves me, and my daddy yells at me, and I'm stupid, and I'm failing math, and nobody understands me. And I'm ugly.

Wait a minute, those aren't my lines. No, but it is my subject matter. That's right: Talkin' bout Shaft.* Can ya dig it?

At this point you should have become familiar with the idea of footnotes,** as I've used a couple. They'll most likely continue until I'm sick of them. Which could be a while. Or maybe not. I'm pretty easily distracted. Which reminds of my subject matter. How lucky! D to the infi G! Ok, not gonna get distracted. Blog angst. We've already told you blog angst is a bad thing. Perhaps you forgot the very first commandment: Thou shalt not fish for compliments. Because that's what's going on. This stuff is bullshit. Utter bullshit, and you know it. But you keep piling the crap on because you like having people jumping in to defend you from yourself. It makes you feel loved, it makes you feel important. But it hurts you more than it could possibly help.
Those friends willing to tell you all that bullshit are growing to hate you. This constant pointless demand on them drains them. Soon they'll run out of brown-nosing little platitudes. They'll do their best to fade out of your life. Your more intelligent friends will call you on your shit, and this is where we can to the important bit. These are the people you need to listen to, these friends are smarter and/or more ruthless friends, and they're doing you a far better service. So don't scream and wail. Listen.
For thou shalt accept the criticisms of thy readers for they are smarter than thee.***



And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.



*Actually I'm talking about the littleknown phenomenon**** known as "blog angst." Well I call it blog angst. And I think it's a pretty good name, so I'll stick with it until someone comes up with a better phrase. Maybe something in Latin.

**actually, im talking about how hot kira is...daaaamn.*****

***Normally that would be a link, but I don't feel like linking to the obvious blog because nearly every commandment is a link to that blog.

****Okay, okay, little known does not accurately describe blog angst. The vast majority of blogs contain this useless drivel.

*****That was not the footnote I intended to place there. Unfortunately that space has been co-opted by a higher power. The footnote intended for that space has been temporarily forgotten and will be added at a later date.******

******Ok, got it. This method of footnoting comes to me from an editor I respect quite a bit, though goes by the name "The Ferret." Actually I don't really give a rat's ass about The Ferret; I just like footnotes.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 12:09 AM (0) comments

 
But wait a minute... Something's wrong!
I just thought that I'd let you all know that the song that I am currently listening too is "Spoon - The way we get by". Many journals/blogs have a place for you to enter whatever song you were currently listening too, and as Lemon party embodies all the really horrible traits of blogs/journals (I only make the distinction as it is usually live/deadjournals that have that incredibly retarded feature) I have decided that instead of taking 3-4 words depending on the songs name/bands name, I am taking a good few sentences, perhaps even a small paragraph to tell you what song I'm listening to. At this moment you probably think that you're incredibly clever. "turtle_07" you say "I know what this update is about, it's about those boxes that tell me what song you're listening too. I've been studying your blog and I realize how retarded it is."

This person is wrong. Nevermind the fact that they are moving in the right direction, but we at Lemon Party are just too clever for that, so I misled you. If you haven't been misled than you're either too smart to be fooled by that, or too stupid to understand what the hell is going on. Odds are it's the latter.

Onward and upward as I, and many others, always say. We must continue on with this update, and so I would like to bring to the court's attention this blog. This blog is incredibly retarded, I mean it's one of those "I'm so different and randomly hilarious" 14 year old goth girls (or I'm going to assume that she's 14). Now, how do I know this? First off her name is Mandy, second off her blogs address is www.deadjournal.com/users/vampiresslover5. Note the second S, that means she thinks she thinks she is in fact a vampire, not just someone who loves them. I'm going to assume she thinks that gives her power beyond my wildest dreams. But that's not the point, the point is that she's stupid, meaning that not only is she probably some sort of slut, but she also mentions vampires, meaning that she's probably some sort of Satan worshipping "oh so different" goth girl. (Actually goths are different from you and me. They're much stupider. Here's a rough chart of intellect Me>Bill Gates>preps>you>stoners>jocks>George W. Bush>goths>paramecia. As you can see goths are rather low on the intellience chart. - Odovaucer)

Now keep in mind that this is just a hypothesis and I have no actual proof that she is what I claim, but sometimes we at Lemon Party we have to make things up to keep our blog afloat.

But for all it's stupidity (to which there is a lot) there is a more serious problem. I mean you'd figure that if you actually checked that journal regularly you'd probably have some sort of connection to the person and as such would know who they are. But noooooooooo this person feels the need to SIGN every single one of their posts. I don't mean sign as in our very swank Lemon Party signature, I mean signing every single one of your posts with your name. If you're reading the journal often you probably know who they are; if you don't check it very often then you probably don't care. I mean you're going to throw around the names of your teachers who we have no clue about and not go into any detail but somehow feel the need to remind us that yes, you are still Mandy. Am I the ONLY one that finds something wrong with that?

So, in conclusion:

Thou shalt not sign thy entry when it is easily apparent who is updating


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 4:54 PM (0) comments

 
Quizizzle
Recent studies have shown that Lemon Party causes cancer, more on this story as it develops.


That being said, let's get on with the update. I don't really have anything important to say, so instead I took this cool quiz, I think that the results actually represent who I am.


You are the letter V

You are very soft and cuddly and you enjoy the game parcheesi. You can also be used as a boomberang as well as a letter showing your artist vision and ability to improvise, your friends love your multiple uses.

What letter are you? Take this quiz at Lemonzilla



I'm going to assume that you've seen this sort of thing in other blogs. Quizzes, while being a retarded waste of time, also forsakes the entire reason for your blog (90% of the time at least). I mean if you're going to bitch about your life I really don't want to hear what some bullshit quiz told you was the color of your soul. What the fuck does that even mean color of your soul? Also partially falling under the Lyrics Clause by (I'm going to be metaphorical here for a moment, just bear with me) trying to fit your personality into a preset idea. Not only does that show what a fucking tool you are, it also completely forsakes actual psychology. I mean if we could figure out what our problems were by 20 questions asking us what our favorite colors were and how often we jack off then why the hell am I throwing $200 dollars away every week for someone to tell me that I have anger issues?!

But to be fair, sure, once in a while you may find one of these little fuckers that strikes your fancy. By all means go ahead and post the fuck out of it, I'm not going to stand in the way of you making a jackass of yourself by telling me that conceivably if you were a mushroom, then you'd be a shitake. I already have so little respect for you that this isn't going to really do anything. I mean sure it's asinine in the respect of: "I have a blog to tell you all about my life, but instead of that I'm going to tell you that I'm an innocent kiss (or at least that's what the internet told me, and it wouldn't lie, right?)", but that doesn't mean that you can't splurge once in a while.

Look, this isn't that hard. Like the lyrics clause keep all thoughts your own, simple enough? Not for some it seems...

(Not that taking quizzes is a bad idea. Be our guest, take as many as you want. But when you assign them any vaule other than entertainment, then we have a problem. Also worth mentioning is that quizzes should not be the basis of your blog. Sure mention a couple that are particularly amusing, but if they take up more space than your original content...well something's wrong there - Odovaucer)

So remember:

Thou shalt not post quizzes representing thyself


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 2:48 AM (0) comments

 
Continuum
Another year has come, and another year has passed.

We at Lemon Party recognize this phenomenon and would like to take time out of our busy schedules to let you all know that while we hate all of you retarded morons with your incredibly stupid blogs, we can still take one day off to let you know that, like you, we enjoy getting sloshed at new years.

Happy New Year Jack Daniels.

Happy New Year indeed.


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 1:12 PM (0) comments