Lemon Party
Saturday, January 14, 2006
Still alive and kicking
That's right, even after months of inactivity we at Lemon Party are still alive and kicking. We've survived college (the first semester at least), we've survived finals, we've even survived gunshot wounds to the head. It's safe to say that we're a hearty bunch. Yet even we have our limits.
On January 9th, 2006 I had a mole removed. Said mole was located on my foot. In place of the mole are now four stitches. I'm not exactly sure what voodoo magic was used to transform a mole into a bloody hole closed by four stitches. Suffice to say doctors are not to be trusted. But that's not the point I was trying to make. The point I was trying to make is this: Moles can turn into cancer and as such are not to be trusted (just like doctors).
That's a sticky situation. However I know of an even stickier situation; it involves semen. It's a rather sticky situation. A stickier one might be fifty thousand popsicles in the hands of twenty five thousand seven-year-olds. Yet even that pales in comparison to the awesome stickiness of the sun to skin ration. Listen: You need the sun, because the sun gives you vitamin D, but too much sun causes cancer.
In case you weren't paying attention up to this point, I shall reiterate. You are covered in tiny dark spots that could cause cancer. If these things do not cause cancer, too much exposure to the sun could turn your skin into a time bomb, yet if you shut out the sun entirely you'll lack vitamin D and die (maybe, our scientists are looking into it). Shocked? I bet you'll be doubly shocked to learn that all foods were not created equal (Declaration of Independence be damned!). Even if you're eating healthily you may not be getting all of the vitamins you need. Which is why they've created pills full of vitamins. If you don't take these pills you'll get vitamin D deficiency and die.
So you're taking your pills, getting the perfect amount of sun, and gouging out your moles with a pairing knife. You're safe from cancer and vitamin D deficiency, right? WRONG! You also need to take fish pills (or eat lots of fish) otherwise you'll get Omega 3 fatty acid deficiency and die. Life is a fickle mistress. (As if there were any other sort of mistress - Odovaucer)
But even after all that I don't want you to think of this as a negative update about your body being a ticking time bomb of death. I don't want you to, after reading this, curl up in the fetal position and refuse food until life escapes your withered body. I want all of my readers to get a more positive message out of this. With all of the new knowledge you now have about your body know this: the monsters under the bed and in the closet and those that are waiting in your dreams can no longer hurt you, unless they're holding miniature suns or attempting to steal your vitamins.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.