You're so full of bull sam
So, here we are again. Or, there we were as some pessimistic people might say. To which I then say to them (after they've said what they just said): "Hey, stop being so pessimistic." Seriously, you need to really lighten up. In case you're stupid and you can't tell this update is going to be about pessimistic people and getting our loyal (yet still pessimistic and depressed readers) out of the proverbial gutters that are their minds.

So, you're depressed? If you weren't you wouldn't be drowning out your misery on the internet reading Lemon Party as we needlessly insult kind and caring individuals. That or you're just stupid. In the event of the latter there is nothing we can do to help you, in the event of the former however there are many ways to solve your crippling depression.

The first and easiest way deals with drugs, lots and lots of drugs. Forget trying to convince those whacko shrinks that you need them, they're just slaves to bureaucracy. You'll need the illegal stuff, the powerful illegal stuff. Also be sure to mix liberally with strong liquor. Nothing says "undo my crippling depression" more than some whiskey and cocaine. Plus you can mix them together, add some strawberries and voila, you got some girly drinks. Everyone likes girly drinks, especially depressed men.

But let's say that you don't like that option, "Andrew" you say "I don't like drugs, find me a better option." Ok then, we have just the option for you. This option involves making other people feel bad so that you feel good. I realize that it seems like a complicated concept, but just hear me out. Say for instance that you happen to have a very cheerful friend (we all know that you don't have any friends, just bear with us), say that they're all like "Sup d00d? I'm so bright and cheery!" then you'll need to be all like "OMG SHUT UP MY LIFE SUCKS!!" This'll silence them and get them to pity you. That or they'll begin to feel bad about feeling good when you were feeling bad, and as the old saying goes: misery loves company, you can both slit your wrists together. Huzzah!

The third and by far the most radical step to defeating your depression involves killing yourself. You were probably planning on doing that anyway, but instead of doing it BECAUSE your depressed, do it to rid yourself of depression. Dead people don't dream (at least we don't think they do), so you won't have to worry about the kids calling you stupid when you're locked in eternal sleep. That and your family (which you hate) will more than likely spend lots of money your funeral, costing them money, and all of your friends will come over and eat your family's food while offering their condolences and crying. If you were close to anyone they might even become depressed because of this, the cycle will continue and eventually the entire world will be gone except for myself and that cute girl whose name I don't know. I really wish that she would notice me.

If this were a nature show I would say something like "Now that depression has been fed, he'll sleep in his cave for another 10 years, only leaving if his natural habitat is invaded", but it's not a nature show, so I won't say that. At least not again... never again. Now if this wasn't a nature show, and instead some sort of crappy humor blog I would make some comment about your depression being solved. HUZZAH.

I'm going to end this entry with a semi-deep thought of the day that I just made up.

Thought of the Day: Never hold a porcupine to your face, its spikes might pierce your eyes.


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 5:44 PM (0) comments

 
Enter Gimmick
Have you ever wondered just what does love got do with it? Or perhaps the question on their mind is more along the lines of "do you love me?" And why don't you get a job? Does anyone know where you are going? These are important questions. These are not questions to be ignored. Yet today's update will not strive to answer them. The answers may appear at some point, but if so it's completely accidental.

Today we're going to talk about gimmickry in commenting. Now oddly enough we're not going to begin with commenting itself, but an earlier subject. (Begin pop culture aside to enhance google hits: It's kind of like that Friends episode where Phoebe agrees to teach Joey to play the guitar but doesn't let him touch a guitar. Or learn the names of the chords. End cheesy/sleazy aside.) What we're starting with is mindset. When I broke down the definition of gimmick I touched on four possible intentions:

a) Simple amusement of the reader
b) Simple amusement of the poster
c) Creation of delicious, delicious irony visible to the reader
d) Creation of delicious, delicious irony visible to the poster

Do not assume these are one in the same. For our purposes simple amusement and delicious, delicious irony are an either or proposition. No gimmick can be both simultaneously. The real problem for amateurish gimmick posters is the distinction between the poster and the reader. The poster is you. If you find it funny then the poster finds it funny (by definition). This does NOT mean anyone else finds it funny. It's most likely impossible to amuse every reader, but it's very easy to amuse none of them.

Humor is an exercise in empathy. The first step to amusing someone is finding out what amuses them. It sounds obvious, but you'd be surprised how unfunny so many people are. And of course most of the people making jokes on the internet are incapable of being funny. Because most of the people on the internet are fucking morons. Blogs should be one of the best examples, up there with Hentai fans, "punk rockers," "gangstas," Republicans, and Wiccans. Yes there are Wiccans on the internet. I would have guessed they were too busy rolling in mud to install Linux, but it seems I was wrong. Pity.

Of course you don't have to amuse your audience; there's technically no reason not to make as many Homestar Runner, Badger Badger Badger, Cthulhu, Akbar, Anime, etc. references as you want. No one can stop you; it's a free internet. But don't expect any to say anything nice about you. Actually I take that back. You probably will get tons of positive feedback, because it seems the more pathetically imbecilic and incorrect you are the more supportive imbeciles find you. But about when you turn thirteen (mentally) you'll regret your antics.

So until next time let's think about our audience. Because to amuse is to understand. And if you're going to delve into the more manipulative side of gimmickry you'll need this basic empathy to get past what minimal intellectual defenses your victims may mount.




And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 10:17 PM (0) comments

 
What's up?
I'd just thought that I would let you all know, I'm sick. Before you ask, no I'm not sick of life, or of this blog, or even that creepy girl who lives down the street and is always looking at me (There is no such girl - Odovaucer). No my friends, I'm just plain sick. Colds suck, and right now I feel like shit. But enough about my life, let's talk about my feelings (about the blog).

My writing got worse recently, why? That is a question that I have asked myself many many times and the best answer that I can come up with is that I started to think of writing as a chore, something that had to be done but I couldn't enjoy. Eventually my entries lost coherency and I fell into the "any entry is better than no entry" mindset, couple that with the fact that I explained in each one of those entries that it sucked but I was tired and you had some shity entries ripe for the plucking. Not to say that my entries were worse than what you'd find in a regular blog, in fact they were probably about 10 billion kajillion smillion times better. Don't believe me? Check out my fantastic proof!

Just check out this fantastic excerpt taken from here.

As you can see not much is going on in that entry, except that she's right. Or true... or fuck. I don't really know, just try and figure it out on your own. Now compare that to my previous entry (not Odovaucer's) and you'll see that while mine is random and shitty, at least I'm not this person.

So they don't believe me. Oh well I don't blame them I admit 'But haha it's hahaha true.' sounds very convincing or what did I say. At least breathing was easy today so I tell myself what I should really be doing, turns out that I'm no longer listening.

Now what makes this quote really hilarious is that this person doesn't listen to themselves, which sounds like a pretty abusive relationship. If I was dating a girl and she never listened to me and just did her own thing I would probably dump her. Note that I said probably because I've never had a girlfriend and would probably be too much of a loser to get out while there was still time. I don't know this person situation but you need to get the fuck out when one half of the relationship stops respecting the other half. Unlike a normal relationship where you are two separate entities, this relationship requires a different solution.

But enough of me being mellow-dramatic and depressing, today is a happy day! I'm not sure why, but here are the lyrics to the song To Life

To life! To life! L'chai-im!
L'chai-im, l'chai-im, to life!
If you've been lucky, then Monday was No worse than Sunday
was,
Drink l'chai-im, to life.

To life, l'chai-im!
L'chai-im, l'chai-im, to life!
One day it's honey and raisin cake,
Next day a stomach ache,
Drink L'chai-im, to life!

Our great men have written words of
Wisdom to be used
When hardship must be faced;
Life obliges us with hardship
So the words of wisdom
shouldn't go to waste.

To us and our good fortune
Be happy be healthy, long life!
And if our good fortune never comes
Here's to whatever comes,
Drink l'chaim, to life!

To life, to life, l'chai-im,!
L'chai-im, l'chai-im, to life!
Life has a way of confusing us
Blessing and bruising us,
Drink l'chaim, to life,

To life, l'chaim!
L'chaim, l'chaim, to life!
A gift we seldom are wise enough
Ever to prize enough,
Drink l'chaim, to life!

God would like us to be joyful
Even though our hearts lie panting on the floor;
How much more can we be joyful,
When there's really something
To be joyful for.

To life, to life, L'chai-im!
L'chai-im, l'chai-im, to life!
It gives you something to think about,
Something to drink about,
Drink l'chai-im, to life! l'chai-im !

the blessing and bruising us part comes first.

the honey and raisin cake is not in the song at all.

you forgot the part about there lives being more
pleasent

then there future ones.

This may be a version of "To Life", but it's not the
version from either the play or the movie. In "Fiddler,"
the song is about the wedding of Tevye's daughter.

To Life

Here's to our prosperity, our good health and happiness,
and most important ...
To life, to life, la kayim,
La kayim, la kayim, to life,
Here's to the father I tried to be,
Here's to my bride-to-be,
Drink la kayim, to life,
To life, la kayim,
La kayim, la kayim, to life,
Life has a way of confusing us,
Blessing and bruising us,
Drink la kayim, to life!
God would like us to be joyful, even when our hearts lie
panting on the floor.
How much more can we be joyful, when there's really
something to be joyful for?
To life, to life, la kayim,
To Tzeitel, my daughter--my wife,
It gives you something to think about,
Something to drink about,
Drink la kayim, to life!

(Le Morta!
Yes, Lazar Wolf?
Drinks for everyone!
What's the occasion?
I'm taking myself a bride!
Who is it?
Tevye's eldest, Tzeitel!)

To Lazar Wolf--
To Tevye!
To Tzeitel, your daughter--my wife!
May all your futures be pleasant ones,
Not like our present ones,
Drink la kayim, to life,
To life, la kayim,
La kayim, la kayim, to life,
It takes a wedding to make us say,
"Let's live another day,"
Drink la kayim, to life!
We'll raise a glass and sip a drop of schnapps in honor of
the great
good luck that favors you,
We know that when good fortune favors two such men, it
stands to reason,
we deserve it too!
To us and our good fortune!
Be happy, be healthy, long life!
And if our good fortune never comes,
Here's to whatever comes,
Drink la kayim, to life!

Heaven bless you both, to your health and may we live
together in peace!
May you both be favored with the future of your choice,
May you live to see a thousand reasons to rejoice!

We'll raise a glass and sip a drop of schnapps in honor of
the great
good luck that favors you,
We know that when good fortune favors two such men, it
stands to reason,
we deserve it too!
To us and our good fortune!
Be happy, be healthy, long life!
And if our good fortune never comes,
Here's to whatever comes,
Drink la kayim, to life!

The lyrics were gotten from this site. Let me be the first to say that site sucks, a lot. You probably shouldn't go there unless you have a pop up blocker and disable ActiveX. In case you don't know what ActiveX is you probably shouldn't be using the internet. Internet.

Until next time homedogs, L'chaim!


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 8:10 PM (0) comments

 
lol hay gimmick wuts up? :coal:
Today is a day much like any other. Or is it? Ponder that for a moment while I collect my thoughts. Of course I didn't need to do that because I can take as long as I want to collect my thoughts and you'd never see the break. Strange that I obviously decided to leave that in there. I suppose it was to create the versimilitude that I have now destroyed. Oh well. Or as they say in Hell "le sigh."*

Alright that was going nowhere so I'm going to talk about commenting instead. Specifically gimmicks. Now you all know that commenting on people's blogs has been royally fucked up by most everyone. But I've helped you overcome some of that, I hope. Still my prior suggestions for for the serious response, now it's time to work on your humor. Gimmick commenting is just that: humor. Well it's intended to be humor; things don't always work out as you hoped. First off let's decide what we mean by gimmick commenting. For now our working definition is "A comment placed with no intention but to provide amusement for the poster and/or the reader(s) and/or create delicious delicious irony." So telling a joke as part of your serious comment doesn't count. Only if the entire comment involves one's tongue firmly planted in one's cheek does it meet a definition. Now you may notice that that definition can be divided into sub-categories, to whit:

a) provides amusement to the poster
b) provides amusement to the reader(s)
c) creates delicious delicious irony visible to the poster
d) creates delicious delicious irony visible to the reader(s)

And let is not forget to mention that there is yet another point of division:

a) commenting as oneself
b) commenting as another individual
c) commenting as a heretofor unknown entity (i.e. pure gimmick)

As may be apparent from my use of italics, the pure gimmick is the most important section. Pure gimmick is the most intense, most, well for lack of a better word, pure. Your identity cannot be argued with by the prior owner of the name, and your readers will (if you do your job well) be guessing till the end if you're "for real."

This seems like a lot to swallow, I know, which is why today has merely been an overview. Next week we're going to get down to brass tacks so to speak and dig into gimmickry. So until then enjoy your weekend and



Remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.


*I certainly hope they say it there because that's where they belong, fucking fairies.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 9:58 PM (0) comments

 
This is what happens when I don't get enough sleep
Let's face it, everyone wants something in life but few ever really get it. Now I'm not going to go and claim that I can read your mind (which I can) and start spewing off what people want along with a list of their names. I believe that it would be far better for me to help you all understand how to get not only what you want, but also what your neighbor wants (he doesn't deserve it anyway). Understanding this guide could lead you to a better future, possibly even a better tomorrow. Join me why don't you, for I want a cheeseburger.

If you're intelligent, you'd know that the title of this guide is very metaphorical. The cheeseburger you see, represents what people want, while the want represents the cheeseburger. Roughly translated it means "I cheeseburger want myself", but don't take my word for it. We asked an expert.

Anyway, you need to know what you want and I need to finish this article as quickly as possible so that I can get paid and finally eat. There are many different ways to figure out what you want, and so we'll outline a few of the more popular ways in this article. The first of course being asking yourself. It seems really complicated in theory but in practice it's really not. All you need is 10 feet of fishing wire and a hornet. Then, ask yourself, say "Self, what do I want?" After that just wait until yourself answers... or falls dies from the hornets sting (Note: I didn't know that you were allergic when I suggested it), either way we both win. Hopefully as you drift in an out of consciousness you'll have visions of what you want. I really don't know.

But enough about me, let's talk more about learning about the future. First off you'll probably need a crystal ball of some sort. In case you've ever done magic or played DND this is known as your focus, you'll channel your magical energies through it in order to see the future. A side effect of this however is that it will eventually lead you to believe that it IS the crystal ball that is magic and not yourself. Don't get caught up, be cool, stay in school.

I've gone completely insane. Send for help.


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 7:45 PM (0) comments

 
I am Wearing P.A.N.T.S.
Today is a great day in the history of the universe. It is a great day because I am wearing pants. Pants of jstice, pants of doom. Pants of Joy, pants of sex. Pants of power, pants of listlessness. Pants of misspelling, pants of repetition. Pants ghoti, pants repetition. Pants of Gandhi, pants of Stalin. In short, pants. Not to be confused wih "In short pants." Short pants are a travesty and a sin.

To quote my friend Cancer_Cookies deeply out of context: Those that wear short pants should "eat a bag of dicks." There you have it, straight from the horse's mouth. Actually Cancer_Cookies wasn't a horse, but he was a faggot, so whatever. Faggots are pretty close to horses, amirite? Or not. Maybe they aren't. I don't think it's really important at all, though. So we're going to forego the segue and go straight to some better subject.

Back to pants. I wear pants, and wear them proudly. Pants, you see are the basis of modern civilization. Without pants we would never have been able to escape the primordial ooze. Well pants didn't actualy matter back in the primordial ooze, let alone exist. But they begame vital shortly thereafter. Well once they were invented. Which was actually quite a while later. Still, once pants came on the scene it was not long before they made a difference. They quickly replaced all previous manners of dress. Skirts and kilts and such were simply failed to provide the necessary coverage for warmth. Not to mention the disastrous effect of windy days. Perhaps disastrous is not a strong enough word. But at least it is a word.* And as to togas and other various one-piece ensembles...well I think you know what problems one-piece ensembles can lead. Not the least of which is the nefarious "contradiction in terms," not to be confused with the even more deadly "oxymorn." One-pieces simply do not allow the flexibility inherent in multi-layer clothing, and they rarely provide pants-level coverage. And to think, they reviled the inventor of pants with such sallies as: "You have the legs of a goat!"

P.A.N.T.S.

P.A.N.T.S. is not a word, but an acronym. But what, you may ask, is it an acronym for? Well, I had a really good answer to that, but I forgot it. Oh well.



And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.


*Unlike "Irregardless" you stupid faggots.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 3:09 PM (0) comments

 
a bit of a Diversion
Perhaps you recall something that happened a long time ago. I spoke of proper material for one's blog. Specifically that if one did not want certain data to be privy to certain persons then perhaps it would a good idea not to post it in one's blog. Especially when that data pertains to sexual acts performed with a high school senior performed without the knowledge of that high school senior's significant other. Not that something like that would happen; I just thought that perhaps it would serve as a theoretical example. Regardless, you should not be posting secrets on internet. It's just stupid. And yes, that includes putting them in comments. Comments are just as public, which means they're just as likely to get read. So don't be a fucktard.

But that's not all for today. In rare fit of conscientiousness I decided to lengthen an enry when I could have kept it short. Short like my cock. Oh wait. I meant your mom. Wait that doesn't matter. I meant your mom's cock. Ha, your mom has a small cock. Okay that was a bit of subject. Actually I can't really say that as I don't have a clearly defined subject. You see I was about to when I got distracted by your mom. So let's forget about her for a moment, and let's forget about her stupendous oral skills. And move on to blogs. Specifically let's talk about Lemon Party.

Now you may know that livejournal.com and deadjournal.com allow you to set interests through which other live/deadjournal users can find you. Now on a whim I checked to see how many of you decided to list us as one of your interests. Well the results were saddening. No one on deadjournal listed "Lemon Party" as an interest and on livejournal...well the results were more than a little lackluster. In fact they sucked hard. We have a glue eater, someone's "dying wish," and a community devoted to poprocksuicide. The glue eater is a bad gimmick (That idea needs to be explored further. Expect more writings on gimmicks in the near future) and the dying wish is long and angsty and booooooring. Unsurprisingly. That leaves the community for some cheap amusement.

The stupidity there is also beyond the pale. Such utter stupidity that I simply cannot do it justice here. You really can do nothing but check it out for yourselves. That or not do anything. I'm guessing you'll do nothing. I'm sort of resigned to it. Yet I'm still here trying to coaxe you into showing your interest in something other than passive lurking. So maybe think about adding your interests to your list of interests? Just maybe? Think about it. I'd tell you to ask your mother, but she's busy.




And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 9:52 PM (0) comments

 
That's the way we get by
A long time ago I began updates with games, as I can't think of any better way to write this update I will start off with a game. This game involves a lot of knives and a puppy.

Step 1) Look at puppy
Step 2) Aim knives at your face
Step 3) Realize that it's a stupid game and put the knives down
Step 4) Be murdered by puppy who took a knife in his teeth when you put them down and stabbed you through the heart because you were a vampires and vampires are evil.
Step 6) Realize that you skipped step 5
Step 5) There is no step five, you're dead.

Surprisingly enough, this updated doesn't revolve around vampires. Vampires are like the coolest fantasy creature ever, probably because... did I say doesn't I meant that it does revolve around vampires. Sorry for the mix up. Anyway, as I was saying vampires are like really really cool. I mean you're like immortal, but unlike those totally uncool zombies (which are actually cooler than vampires, but only if you're fighting them) you keep your mind AND live forever; not to mention unholy strength, some sweet looking fangs so that you can bully people into doing your bidding, but you can also seduce members of the opposite sex. I mean what the hell is not to like about vampires? They're just cool.

In all of their infinite coolness though, vampires do have a few bad traits. The worst of them being the fact that they are mythical creatures. Don't get me wrong, I don't like being stalked by something with the strength of 10 men who can also meld into shadows and use mind powers to get my sweet sweet blood, but at least then the shitheads who go around claiming that they're vampires would be killed off by pissed off real vampires who don't want some shithead goths claiming that they're vampires and drinking cats blood. Take for instance this situation that I just made up:

"HALT TRESPASSER! I am Samuel, sired by Ezekial, what are you doing in my forest?"
"Uh.. I'm Jeff, I'm taking a walk cause it was a nice night"
"None who are not of the immortal damned may walk this path"
"I walk here once a week, what the hell is wrong with you?"
"I WILL DRINK YOUR BLOOD"

Looks pretty stupid and pointless, but what you didn't see (and what I probably should have written in so that those lines were justified was when Jeff grew giant bat wings and started beating the shit out of Samuel. Ok, shitty story. But seriously, I mean if you were Jewish or something and a bunch of shit headed kids started acting Jewish cause... I don't know, for whatever reason, would you want them being stupid and overdramatic about it? No!

People always take something cool and then fuck it up something terrible. And let's not forget when people take something not cool and then fuck it up even worse, man does that suck. People always can and always will take an idea, mutilate it, and then drive it so far into the ground that it grows roots and turns into a tree of pure awfulness. Let me illustrate my point. Say for a moment that it was cool and hip to play Magic Cards (it's not, but lets pretend that it is).

1) Magic Cards, they're fun and geeky. What the hell were you thinking?
2) Massive mainstream (more so than in their prime)
3) Thrazmakle lord of Phyrexia needs to summon a hoard of juggernauts to stop Urza!

See what I mean? Creepy kid Jason is no longer creepy kid Jason, cause he and his friends play magic cards and take on new personas to better fit their 'inner soul.' "I was a made up creature in a past life", sure you were Jason, sure you were.

Take me for instance, I have reason to believe that I am an incredibly morbid person. I become obsessed with quotes like "I am become death, the destroyer of worlds" and stories about Cthulhu. I have bizarre fascinations with the word Death and Thanatos (despite the fact that I fear the reaper), I even named my phone "Abandon Hope" after what was written on the gates of Hell (Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here). I don't however dress in all black, speak in riddles (I wish that I did though, maybe I should start, act depressed, curse life, call myself a dark angel. Notice how awesome I am, people should be more like me.

To end this thing I think that all I really need to say is:

Don't be like these shitheads


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 7:30 PM (0) comments

 
Cry me a river, liberal.
Perhaps it's time that I came clean. Well, as cleans as someone in my position can come. I honestly didn't know that it would go this far, nor did I realize the consequences when I began but I think that it's time that I told all of you the truth.

Or not, fuck you. I don't owe ANY of you ANYTHING (Capital letters for posterity). In fact, the only reason why I write in this blog is because it gives me something to do that doesn't involve drinking and writing angry letters to my ex; 90% of our you aren't even repeat readers, you're just some shitbags who took a google search and went along for the ride. Just fucking wonderful.

On an entirely different note, I have discovered yet another sin against The Party. It would seem that in our quest for god-hood Odovaucer and I forgot something very important, something that we cannot stress the importance of enough, something that is so important that if it were ever found out you would probably say something to the extent of "Man, that is important, so spaketh Zod."

I just ignored the whole add and/or to those list of threes separated by commas, fuck yea. Anyway as I was saying, I have discovered another sin against us. However, what makes this sin curious is not the fact that it is a sin, as there have been many sins in the past. No, the reason why this sin is special is because it doesn't involve something that we hate; it involves something that we are.

Still not getting it? Allow me to spell it out for you because I didn't explain it at all in that previous paragraph. See, if Odovaucer and I are to ascend to the next stage of life we must first shed our corporal bodies and become one with pure energy. As you may have already guessed, it's very hard to do that; So I began researching a second, easier option.

Haven't you ever wondered if perhaps reality is just an illusion? Something created by all human minds, what they expect to happen happens? You might think to yourself: "If I could make enough people believe something, then it would become true." My plan is something along those lines, except that I'm not stupid enough to think that if I can convince enough people reality will change; I have taken a slightly different approach. If no one knew the truth, who could contest it?

That is to say that if I were to tell Bob that Jim's dying words were "Andrew is the coolest guy ever", and I was the only one to be at Jim's death, well then who would be able to tell me otherwise? I hope to do something like this in regards to the problem of God-hood. If no one knew us personally then who would be able to claim that we weren't gods? No on, that's who.

Thou Shalt Not Know The Party Personally

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.


Please note that the entire update was in jest, I don't actually want to be anything higher than your Lord and Master, although I would probably settle for just E-Internet Celebrity.
- posted by Andrew @ 8:47 PM (0) comments

 
Let me tell you a story...
I'm not exactly sure where to begin, so I suppose that the beginning would be a safe enough bet. Today was the worst day of my life, not literally of course because the worst day of my life was actually last week when I told you all that, that day was the worst day of my life, but today was pretty damn bad. I mean the day started out pretty well, I had my favorite class first period and after that I asked this really dreamy person to prom, which of course she rejected because all girls are totally evil bitches. I don't even know why I keep asking people, I mean they only say no and then take half of my money and move to north da-fucking-kota. Before I continue I would like to say that I will continue making as many shameless quotes about my play because I'm an egotistical asshole like that, although I won't ever say that I'm an egotistical asshole, nor will I quote that for the reason why girls don't like me; it's all their fault.

So I was in a pretty bad mood, and my asshole friends didn't make me feel any better by acting all happy even though they should have totally known that I was totally sad because I just got rejected, but noooo they were just assholes and didn't stop laughing at shit, probably because they hate me. I bet all of my friends hate me, they never invite me over their houses or anything. Nevermind the fact that I don't invite them over my house, they're just assholes. All this goes back to an irrational fear that I have, that I can't tell you about but it's pretty bad why does no one pity me?

Anyways, after my asshole friends decided to be assholes and laugh about shit, I went off to the cafeteria to cry for a while. At this point I got really angry at the world, cause you know, why me? I mean what did I do to deserve everyone hating me and stuff? You know? I'm a great person and it just seems like everyone hates me, which is just really really unfair and mean and I don't get why they do it.

But where is this going? Why am I writing some horrible story about... about I don't actually have the slightest idea, see it started off as sort of a generic "I'm so angsty" post but with the twist of having something of a alternate voice that tells everyone the other side of the story. Don't get me wrong, there are actually lots of people who have pretty shitty lives, but the majority of angsty bloggers change the story (or leave stuff out: see selective omission) so that they're the victim. It reminds me of an essay that I read on the SATs. It talked about how memory is corrupted and is always told as if the main person is the hero, a particularly hilarious (and meaningful) quote went something like: You're always the hero of your stories, when driving down the street animals and trees dive into your cars path without a moments notice.

We're all the heros in our own right, but sometimes you're the hero of being a whiny bitch, in which case it's probably a better idea to keep your mouth shut. Being a hero isn't always a good thing, there's a lot of drama involved. Take Peter Parker for instance, now Harry had/has (I haven't read the comic in a while) no idea that he's spider man, at least not at the outset and so he devoted his life to killing Spiderman. That just sucks a lot, I mean to have your best friend hate you for killing his father (who was really evil I might add) is just something that I wouldn't wish even on my worst enemy. All the sneaking and "Oh no Harry, I'M not Spiderman."

If Spiderman ever had a blog, it would totally be ok if he were to complain. I mean he can't tell the love of his life about his powers, his best friend wants to kill him, and he gets beat up by super villains on a daily basis. Spiderman is one of the last real American heros. And not one of those hero's who just complains all the time, Spiderman is the real deal. If I were Spiderman I totally would have snapped, but Spiderman is totally too cool for that, think about next time some girl rejects you; Spiderman can't even tell MJ that he loves her.

Although, truth be told you can't look at Spiderman for all the facets of your life. Say for instance that you wanted to look for a real model for the geeky does genetic research side? That's still Spiderman, and a bad example. I can do better. Let's say that you wanted a role model for when you go out sailing, right? I'm not really sure how many super heros sail, but you can always extrapolate. I mean Batman is pretty damn rich, so he probably takes a vacation now and again, and what better place to take a vacation than near the ocean or a lake; I bet that when he's not kicking the Joker's ass he's out in the middle of some lake sharing a bud with Robin.

Although for the sake of argument let's say that a super hero with no special powers really isn't your weapon of choice, but you still do like sailing. Now that's cool, as usual in my infinite wisdom I procured a back up plan; I'd like to introduce you to our very good friend "Aquaman." Aquaman spends a shitload of time in the ocean, so he's gotta like it. Not only that but he can talk with fish, which is pretty cool. I bet when he's off duty that he still likes being near the water, he's probably out there every Sunday sailing and talking to dolphins and shit. Now there's a super hero that we can all look up to.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that everyone needs a role model, everyone needs their own super hero if you will. I'm just trying to let everyone know that it's perfectly normal and fine to look up to people and strive to be like them. We only have a problem when the person you look up to is your whiny as hell emo friend who always complains about girls not understanding his pain or whatever the hell they complain about. Get yourself a role model who isn't quite so much of a pussy. Now I understand that finding a good role model can be hard, so I have made a list of all the superheros/villains that I can remember. There aren't many and it's easy enough to google up more heros and information about them. Don't be a tool, stay in school:

Spiderman
Superman
Any of the X-men
Any of the other mutants in the X-men series
Wonder Woman
Aquaman
Batman
Robin
The Joker
The Riddler
Lex Luthor
The Green Goblin
The Green Lantern
Venom
Carnage
The Hulk
Daredevil (he's blind, don't choose him)
The Punisher
Supergirl
Batgirl


That's not very many of the superheros that exist, but it's a start. Choosing a superhero is no easy task, take your time and choose one that fits you best. Good luck and have fun!


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 9:58 PM (0) comments

 
Sweet Oblivion
Recently, I had the pleasure of talking to Lemon Party's premiere Scottish poster David, and boy howdy did we have a fantastic conversation. Only problem was that somewhere in our fantastic conversation of fantasticism, he began to talk about Scottish sayings and one just seemed to stick with me; I pulled. Before you roll your eyes and say: "He's about to go into a story about badgers and Scotsmen teaming up to pull off our legs or some shit man do I hate that guy" please wait until I tell you my side of it. You see, the phrase I pulled, as a very distinct meaning, its meaning? Why to mean. I mean... fuck. Basically it means that you scored (in the most general sexual sense possible).

Before you decide to side with the badger, please listen to my story, which so happens to be full of intrigue, design, and surprise (not taken from the hit TLC show "While You Were Out"). Imagine that there are two people, Fred and Martha. Now Fred and Martha have been married for exactly 45 years, Fred is 67 and Martha is 71. It's about 7 AM and Fred and Martha are enjoying their morning tea and afternoon crumpet (last afternoon's crumpet, they missed it the day before) unaware that a mosquito carrying the red menace is flying over the Indian ocean to their tiny home in Scotland.

Fred finishes his tea and heads as he heads downstairs to begin his exercise routine, the mosquito flies in and bites him on the leg, Fred of course doesn't notice. Going down he begins his hour long workout on the exercise bike, unaware that the strain of malaria that the mosquito possessed was a super strain, capable of killing a human in a little under thirty minutes. Working hard, Fred begins to notice that his energy isn't quite as good as it usually is, he begins to doubt that he will even be able to go 20 minutes on the exercise bike, he of course chalks this up to the fact that he didn't get a very good nights sleep the night before, or day before... I can't remember when night is.

Anyway, all that is unimportant because 15 minutes into his workout he strains his leg, yeowch. He of course turns of the exercise bike, turns off the lights, and goes upstairs. Once upstairs he sits down and begins to breathe heavily, probably because he believes that breathing will cure his strained ankle, whatever jackass. Sitting and breathing not helping, he tries to find Martha, his loving and caring wife to ask her what to do. Finding her in the powder room powdering her nose he begins his query, "Martha dear, I just pulled a tendon or something" is what he tried to say, too bad he only got through "Martha dear, I just pulled" before his entire world went black as his heart exploded from explosive malaria.

Well Martha never! Can you believe the nerve of her husband? Your last words to your wife being that you banged some floozy on gold street? Martha of course tells their children and all of her friends, and pretty soon word spreads like wildfire. Fred banged some girl, and told Martha the second before he died, what a bastard. No one visits him at his funeral, in fact, Martha doesn't even want to shell out the monies for his funeral, he's just thrown into a ditch and left to rot... all because of some silly Scottish phrase.

Truly now is the winter of our discontent. Truly now is the winter of our discount tent.

What a sad day for liberty.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 9:09 PM (0) comments

 
SWISH there goes turtle_07's closet
As the title implies turtle_07 outed himself last friday. Or at least I just decided that he did, in no small part thanks to the substance I've been imbibing just now. Orange juice! No more scurvy for me! Actually I've never had scurvy; that's also is turtle_07's domain. So that's move on to my topic, reader mail, hey!

Alright, that's actually kk's schtick, and he stole it form someone else so I'll let him have it as he's a tenacious bugger. And I hear he likes to swing with large men. And I don't actually have any reader mail to answer. But if you have questions for the staff here, just send 'em along to partyoflemon@hotmail.com. Or if they're especial private messages for me you can use my hella tight gmail account: Odovaucer@gmail.com. That's right motherfucker, I've got gmail!


Moving on to yet another topic, and another topic plagiarized at that, here is the result of the poll of day:

Kessinger: 8
Marcario: 3
Gibbon: 5

The poll question being "who do you think would win in a fight, Kessinger, Marcario, or a gibbon?" My personal opinion was that the gibbon would have an edge. Ain't nothing beats poo-flinging, amirite? well the people have spoken, and the people consider hairy legs coupled with short shorts creates a larger effect than mere flung poo. Whatever d00ds. Or should I say badgers. No I shouldn't, because badgers are illiterate. I hope. Because if badgers have been reading this (they could well be, someone keeps searching for "old men lemon party") all four of us are walking dead. And lewis. But no one cares if the intern catches it. I still haven't mentioned blogs today so I'll throw this sentence in. This update has been more rambling and incoherent than usual because I'm burned out on the English language today. Four hours of standardized testing will do that to you. The test is specially designed so that gibbons can do well, yet people manage to fuck it up. This is the kind of test than you can just show up for, the course that prepares for is complete fluff, completely unnecessary. Yet people who've taken the course still fuck up this test. And the powers that be see the need to go all out preventing cheating. A dead goat could ace this test and they're worried about cheaters. What the fuck is up with that? I'll tell you what's up with that. Actually I won't, because I heard that cliffhangers make your readers more eager to come back for more.





And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 10:21 PM (0) comments