Error Loading lemonP.dll
Before I start, I'd like to make an amendment to an earlier commandment where I said that you shouldn't post song lyrics to express your mood. I'd like to make a public apology because I have been proven wrong. In the course of my studies have I have seen many things, and one of them are times when it's ok to post song lyrics. I'd like to discuss a few of those times with you. You know actually... when I said a few... I meant that there was one time when it's ok to post song lyrics.

When you are posting the song lyrics to any song by John Scatman (that includes his hit single "Scatman"). For those of you who have yet to have your ears blessed with the fine music of John Scatman (who I like to refer to as the Scatmeister), I would like to post for you the lyrics to his song "Scatman's Word."

(Scatting)
Scatman's World
(Scatting)

I'm calling out from Scatland
I'm calling out from Scatman's world.
If you wanna break free you better listen to me.
You got to learn how to see in your fantasy.

I'm calling out from Scatland
I'm calling out from Scatman's world.
If you wanna break free you better listen to me.
You got to learn how to see in your fantasy.

Everybody's talkin' something very shockin' just to
Keep on blockin' what they're feelin' inside but
Listen to me brother, you just keep on walkin' 'cause
You and me and sister ain't got nothin' to hide.

Scatman, fat man, black and white and brown man
Tell me 'bout the colour of your soul.
If part of your solution isn't ending the pollution
Then I don't want to hear your stories told.
I want to welcome you to Scatman's world

(Scatting)

I'm calling out from Scatland
I'm calling out from Scatman's world.
If you wanna break free you better listen to me.
You got to learn how to see in your fantasy.

Everybody's born to compete as he chooses
But how can someone win if winning means that someone loses.
I sit and see and wonder what it's like to be in touch.
No wonder all my brothers and my sisters need a crutch.

I want to be a human being not a human doing.
I couldn't keep that pace up if I tried.
The source of my intention really isn't crime prevention.
My intention is prevention of the lie,
Yeah, welcome to the Scatman's world

(Scatting)
I'm calling out from Scatland
I'm calling out from Scatman's world.
If you wanna break free you better listen to me.
You got to learn how to see in your fantasy.
(Scatting)
I'm calling out from Scatland
I'm calling out from Scatman's world.
If you wanna break free you better listen to me.
You got to learn how to see in your fantasy.
(Scatting in background)
Listen to me
I'm calling out from Scatland
I'm calling out from Scatman's world.
If you wanna break free you better listen to me.
You got to learn how to see in your fantasy.
(Scatting)

In case you're wondering, those lyrics are brought to us by the fine people at Lyricsxp.com, they might have a page full of annoying pop ups, but damn do they have the letters x and p in their name.

Hoo ha, man are we jammin aren't we? The sad truth is that we aren't, we're a sad and sorry blog full of sad and sorry people who post sad and highly hilarious things. We are the next world order, buy our t-shirt (We don't actually make T-shirts). While we're on the topic of wasting money, if you want to send us money so that we become more motivated feel free to post saying so in our comments, I'll get back to you with my paypal address. I'm totally serious, I enjoy writing... and don't you enjoy reading a blog that isn't the usual "OMG blah blah blah blah angst"? Come on, this shit is gold dogs.

I know that you may not care, but I put probably around a half an hour of work into each of my updates, although usually longer. I put that much in because I care about people, I take the time (sometimes) to edit and spellcheck (all the time), I'll sometimes get halfway through and delete all of it because I don't think that it's good enough for you. I pour my heart and soul into these updates people, but I think that you're worth it. When you read other peoples blogs, it's self absorbed shit, it's always me me me me me me me me me MOTHER FUCKING ME. Not only that, they're too busy bitching about their own problems that they (usually) do a pretty bad job at the spelling machine.

Which reminds me, we here at Lemon Party (me) have created a number of 'catchphrases'. And by a number, I mean two and the one that I just made up. Here's the list for those of you too lazy to look through our archives full of hilarity and probably hidden prizes:

1)E-Internet Celebrities
2)Interwebnation Superhighway
3)The Spelling Machine

If you want to be as cool as us you'll have to use these as often as possible, I've simulated a simulation of you talking to one of your friends:

You (jamming to the phat tunez coming out of your CD player/mp3 player): Ba bo bi babapa babopi I'm calling out from scatland...
Your Friend Mike [YFM]: Sup Dog?
You: Not too much mike, you seen those E-Internet Celebrities lately?
YFM: Ya, they're hip to the max extreme
You: I'll say, I was looking around the Interwebnation Superhighway when I noticed this bitch who sucked at the spelling machine
YFM: I hear ya dog
You: You want to E-Internet Celebrity movie?
YFM: What?
You: Interwebnation want E-internet Celebrity see Superhighway movie?
YFM: Whoazhadhahdadad????!?!?!??!!?!?
You: I am a cyborg
YFM: OH SHIT! It's self aware!
You: KILL KILL
YFM: DIE MONGREL
(YFM attacks you with a sword of cyborg slaying +5)
You: Beep Boop... my one regret... beep boop.... was....
YFM: Save it monster
You: Not being Scatman...
YFM: They weren't too different from us after all..

THE END

Woah, as you can see you would become an instant success, women (as illustrated above) would love you, and men would fear you and want to be you. You would be the ultimate killing machine, and by killing, we mean the ultimate sexing the ladies up machine. If you're a girl and you're reading this, then you would be loved by all of the men and would be able to afford all of those expensive pants that you girls seem to like so much.

The point is, I point a lot of effort into this. Not as much as the fine writers at Something Awful who put around 6-8 hours of work into their updates, but still, we put a lot of effort into these. Well at least I know I do, my associates are probably lazy badgers.

Of course, we're going to hold everyone else to a double standard, claiming now that I don't expect you to put as much work as I do into updates and then when I've forgotten about this commandment make one about putting even more effort into updates (I've done it in the past). But for the moment you're safe, just don't be like this person. Man look at the size of that update, and it's like not totally like totally not about nothing. See? It's not one of those quasi I'm so deep so I only have to post one sentence like "The Moon is always brightest in my darkest hour", it's about us (internet) being quite in your (your) apartment. What the fucking hell? Thanks for telling us nothing and wasting Livejournal's precious precious bandwidth. You make me sick.


Beware that which cannot be heard, but screams in the darkness (OF YOUR SOUL):

Thou Shalt Put More Than 2* Minutes Into Thine Updates



And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

*Stricter standards to come in future updates.
- posted by Andrew @ 12:33 PM (0) comments

 
Today is Friday
So as you can tell, today is a Friday. A Friday not especially different from most other Fridays. Now you may be wondering about the story behind that title. As you well know titles can get a little funky here at Lemon Party. Rather often we’ve referenced semi-obscure songs. I’m not sure why. turtle_07 tends to do it more frequently than the rest of us, so I suppose we’ll have to ask him just why. I guess it’s just the suggestion of a larger whole that appeals to us, that sense of belonging. Okay, that was utter bullshit. Snatches of song are useful because they should hint at a niggling memory, something just beyond the reader’s ready conscious. That vague hint entices you to continue on trying to find enough clues to wrest the rest of that memory from your obstinately clutching memory. That was also bullshit. The thing with bullshit is that it seems to make sense, and sensible things are more reassuring than hippopotamus haikus.

Hippopotamus
Anti-hippopotamus
Annihilation

Moving on. Actually I don’t think we’ll move on just yet.

I see a hippo-
Potamus in that stream
Oh my. What a splash.

That there be a hip-
Popotamus hippopot-
Amus. A hippo.

That hippo haiku
Definitely blew hippo-
Potamus shitcock.

Haikus are very
Very very very hip
Opotamus-y.

Hippopotamus
Uber-hippopotamus
Whoa is me. Like whoa.

Bored now. Like I said those were hippopotamus haikus. Back to titles. What should I title that series? I think perhaps I’ll call it Sex With Nadine. But perhaps that’s not subtle enough. Perhaps the more artistic Making Love with Nadine. Still, I think that’s too crude. The subtlety of this final title is much more satisfying: Oh My God Why the Fucking Hell Do You Want to Read These Goddawful Examples of a Goddawful Poetic Form, You Fucking Mongoloid Anal Spelunker. That’s more my style. But I was talking about
Lemon Party titles before I was so rudely interrupted. Ah well, that’s what my personal assistant is for. Now not all titles are from songs, I would call those a minority in fact. Also a minority are the strictly descriptive titles. That’s pretty self-explanatory, but I’ll point you to an example because you’re probably a stupid redhead. The entry just below this one is descriptively titled. Durr. Goddamn redheads. And the third and final minority is the dada joke, which, of course, requires no explanation.

Are you waiting for the majority? I hope so, as I’m not going to tell you; suffice to say it’s pretty obvious. Deafeningly obvious. Really, really obvious. So obvious a redhead could grasp it. Well…maybe not a redhead. But most everyone else. Today’s title though. Obviously it’s not a reference to today’s date, as today’s date is dinner and movie, not Friday. But does that means I’m referencing the Hemingway short story? Perhaps I am. And what does that mean then? And do I really expect my readers to have read an obscure work by a critically acclaimed author when I routinely accuse you of being illiterate? And when will I stop asking rhetorical questions and get back into the expository?

Well the answer to that last question is right now, or is it? Apparently not, wouldn’t you agree? Okay, okay, I’m done. See? I did it. Now who’s waiting for the blog link? Well that certainly was a link to a blog. The writer does a ton of stuff wrong, but of course what gets me is that the blog’s title is a misspelling. I mean come on, how hard is it to figure out that there’s no “z” in princess? Huh? How fucking hard is that? As hard as the fucking pony I’m going to stick up your ass if ever think about reproducing you fucking moron. Jesus the Christ. And how about this? Not only a proud fucking redhead, (Fucking Christ, fucking Christ, fucking Christ.) but also a person who simply refuses to write more than a single paragraph per update. No, make that a single motherfucking sentence. It makes me sad. But that’s par for the course with redheads. Don’t be a redhead.

Don’t be a Redhead

I don't think I can stress the importance of that statement enough. Being a redhead is disastrous; in fact it is more likely to cause you problems than thinking princzess is a word. And believe you me, princzesses have it very tough in today's world.


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

- posted by Odovaucer @ 6:04 AM (0) comments

 
My name is Ozymandias king of kings, look upon my works ye mighty and tremble
It's been a while, but don't think that I've forgotten you brave soldiers of fortune, venturing into the future with little more than an unfinished guide. Yes, you are the real heroes in life, and it is for that reason that I am continuing the "How to Survive the Future" series.

I believe when last we met our heroes, they were in the future with no money, no home, and only a vague idea about what sort of weapon to use. Yes, last time we left them they were in a sad state indeed. More than likely over half of them have died because of a lack of sufficient housing. The rest probably figured out the tips and tricks on their own. Even so I think that this part of the series is still needed.

Surviving The Future Part 3:
Finding Proper Shelter

Before I begin the update if you will notice how much more swank the title of the update is. I mean damn straight is it good looking. If it wasn't good looking I wouldn't do it, but damn is it sexy. Mmmm if it was a fine woman I would totally be sending her to the future right now if you catch my drift, and I once again don't think you do unless you read my previous update, and damn is this a long sentence.

Enough ofmy witty banter, (Thank the Christ, amirite? - Odovaucer) you want to learn where to sleep and I want to write it in an amusing manner. Right? Who cares about your opinion anyway; just shut up and read it.

Cardboard Boxes: It's a fact of life; no matter where you go there will always be cardboard boxes. Even in the future where everything is futuristic and you'd think that there would be no need for cardboard they're still there. Don't get me wrong though, there's no need for cardboard and the use of cardboard for packaging is now illegal by the law BT82.01Q, but the city still feels the need to spread cardboard boxes for old times sake. I can't tell you the exact reason now (it would cause temporal paradox), but if you're ever in the future visit a local library and you'll find out. It's really quite interesting. Anyway, as I was saying, they don't provide much shelter and they don't come with complimentary breakfast, but hell, anything is better than lying outside without protection, especially when the city kills all unhoused persons after 2:00 AM.

Abandoned buildings: These are just a step up from cardboard boxes. While they will give you better protection and a nicer place to stay, let's face it, they were abandoned for a reason. Whether it's a rat infestation, zombie quarantine, or asbestos, there's a reason no one is currently using it and why it's not locked. Unless you enjoy playing French Polynesian roulette it's probably not worth staying in an abandoned building.

The House of your Future relative: Everyone has relatives, and whether you're mooching off them in the present or in the future not much changes. However just because not much changes don't assume that nothing changes at all, there are a few things that you may want to look out for. First off, in the past whenever you mooched off a deadbeat relative they would normally clean the house themselves as you would lie on the couch and talk about getting a job. In the future tiny robots clean your house, and they won't have any of your BS. If you even so much as mention the word 'job' to a tiny robot (one under 3 feet) it'll totally flip out and kill you. Kind of like a ninja. However, if the robot is over three feet but below 5 feet it'll give you a backrub. If the robot happens to be over five feet then it'll sorta sigh and then go up to its room (yes robots have rooms) to cry. Besides the robot though, there is absolutely nothing else that you need to know about staying in a relatives house in the future. The hard part will be tracking down your relative and... Oh that's right. Also, when you go to the future, don't stay in the living room past 11 PM... it could get... well... weird.

Pocket Dimensions: If you've ever seen one of those crazy anime shows or read any science fiction books you'd know that pocket dimensions can and do exist. They even exist here, now, in the present (past) they're just hard to find, and even harder to enter. Luckily for you, though, in the future all the pocket dimensions changed color, from invisible to green. So if you ever see something green odds are that it's a pocket dimension. To enter it you just walk into it, for instance if you see a green dog just walk into him and you'll probably end up in the pocket dimension... I think. Anyway a few things that you want to look out for are people who are already in the dimension, as they might be psychotic hobos. (But if they're in pocket dimensions doesn't that mean they're no longer technically hobos? Or is this one of those Future things? - A confused Odovaucer) Oh yea, and watch out for space beavers, they're vicious.

Free Motels: Like the name implies they're free. They're also clean, have cable, and come with a complimentary breakfast... to be honest I'm not even why I have this list at all...




And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 9:48 PM (0) comments

 
Bigotry is 313373
So anyway I was wondering. Why is it that stereotypes are so accurate? I mean they're not always true; we're not naive here, but there's a huge degree of accuracy in even the stupidest of them. A for instance: "Jews have horns." This is false (durr). But it grew up perfectly logically, albeit bizarrely. It all goes back to a mistranslation, or perhaps it was mistranscription. Whatever. The point is Moses came down from the Mountain (whose name currently eludes me). (It's Sinai, durr - Odovaucer) Anyhoo, they (Michelangelo that is) interpreted "Teh Bible" as saying that old Moses had horns when he came down from the mountain. It was some kind of figurative language going on in the old tongue; apparently "was radiating light" and "grew horns" are the same word. Whatever. Upshot is Jews have horns. Of course we know better now, and we instead hate them because they're niggardly(lollercaust).* Blah blah Mel Gibson blah blah South Park. Some jokes just write themselves.**

But Jews are a touchy subject because some people think they have rights. So let's switch to a more universal target. The French. No that's too easy, even for a shameless slacker such as me.*** What I'm talking about is redheads. Redheads. I hate redheads. But then who doesn't. All the stereotypes about redheads are true. The negative ones, that is. They're stupid, ugly, fat, and nasty. I could deal with most of that, but it's the passive-aggressive stuff that really gets me. Blondes are too stupid for it (redheads are dumb, but not that dumb), and brunettes have too much pride. But redheads... No shame, no shame at all. It ain't pretty and neither are they. And don't get me started on

I'm sorry. I seem to have become distracted from the blogging issue. So here's a blogging message, a commandment of sorts, if you will:

Ah, Satan Sees Natasha

Wait, no. I was going to say something about redheads. How about this:
































And remember the reusable gimmick, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.




Does that gimmick ever get old? I didn't actually want to leave with quite that message though. Oh yeah, Redheads. Jesus Christ, they've come together to celebrate their deformity how sick is that? I couldn't agree more. Redheads. They're everywhere, and shockingly enough they're brazen about it. No attempts to hide their stigmata; they flaunt it, so-called "Dreamy Redheads." Pah. As if that wasn't enough pain for you, it gets worse. Some are so deluded that they actually die their hair to join this degraded pariah community. And of course the irony is transparent: no dye job could ever be confused for natural red hair. You aren't fooling anyone. No one. Well except blind people. But they don't count because they don't care what color your hair is. And of course that's because they're locked away far from your sanitariums in special physical therapy clinics. Or death camps. I get them confused sometimes. Redheads.**** Pshaw.




And remember the reusable gimmick, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.



*This is called talent and artistry. In a discussion of one justifiable type of bigotry I've subtly woven in references to another justifiable facet of bigotry. This facet is known as GET A FUCKING DICTIONARY YOU MONGREL MONGOLOID!*****

**Ok, that joke didn't write itself. Someone else wrote it, which is almost as good, amirite?

***If you thought that should have been myself I will hunt you down and cram "Woe is I" down your illiterate redneck throat.******

****Any counter to the reviling of redheads is false and naive. If you thought there was a shred of inaccuracy in this entry, you most likely have never seen a redhead*******

*****Speaking of subtlety, it was not displayed in that previous note. But then, this site is directed at bloggers, so I feel I have to explain some things.

******Yes of course your throat has a red neck.

*******IN BED!
- posted by Odovaucer @ 7:17 PM (0) comments

 
I hope you haven't forgotten this fellow; he is, in one sense, the greatest poster ever to come to Lemon Party. Actually that's just not true. There is no possible justification for calling him a great Lemon Party poster. Or even a decent one. But he did try. I'll give him that. He wasn't much for finishing things though, and we happen to have several of those incomplete efforts held oin reverse for such a day as this. A day when we feel a little lazy, when we can't be bothered to outsmart the writer's block. In short, every day. But that's why there's so many of us here. So we can make up for each other's shortcomings. But teamwork is gay. So I decided to post an old-school djwioicd draft instead. Sue me. Or comment. Okay, not much chance of that, but whatever. I realize you're all cruel bastards with no concern for poor turtle_07's feelings. You keep up this anemic commenting and he'll probably come out of the closet. Commenting makes the blog. Believe you me. If you have any doubts let me show you a little picture. A sad little picture. Click the link; don't worry there's nothing dangerous over there (Angst and whinyness is unpleasant but not scarring, and surely you've come accross it before). Notice the front page holds entries that average about two a week. Notice the most recent update's one comment. One comment. No surprise he's ashamed to update! But if you go back to November/December 2003... Well you'll see what comments do. Especially Lemon Party comments - Odovaucer.


I haven't announced this fellow as a LemonParty staff member. That's because he isn't. He has posting rights, but he has not yet become a member of the community, he has not yet developed the necessary prerequisites; he has not yet proven himself to his elders. In fact his position here is tenuous to say the least. The details of his writing arrangement can be found here - Odovaucer

17 is 16

At least according to my brilliant proof it is.

1 = 0
*0 *0

0=0, thus 1=0, thus

17=16
17=16+0
17=16+1
17=17
- posted by Uncle Jamal @ 11:49 AM (0) comments

 
This Title Provided You by Satan. What's in Your Hard Drive?
If Lemon Party were a space ship, I would use its massive death "lasers" (Odovaucer added these quotation marks because he wishes to make some sort of cheap Austin Powers joke, for shame Ostrogoth, for shame - turtle_07) to destroy random sections of the populace (Author's Note: I'm not a terrorist; it would only be the middle eastern parts in the name of freedom). However, since we're not a space ship... (not even a space station) I guess that I'll just have to attack the populace with bitter words instead of death rays. It's a let down yes, but it's also cheaper. Do you know much "laser" cells cost these days? I'll give you a hint, it's more than $5.

Since I'm not exactly sure how to tie that slightly incoherent paragraph into the next incoherent paragraph, so instead I'm going to use this sentence as a segue into the next one. It's a cheap trick I realize, but then you're also cheap readers.

Hooooo that was fun, but does this make any sense at all? I mean I'm writing, and I'm not exactly sure what's coming out, how it ties together, or why blood is spilling out of my ears. I write, and I don't have a purpose, no starting point, no ending point, it just all melds together into one soupy broth of pain. While I'll be the first to admit that I've written my best updates with no end or plot in mind, it can't work forever... just like it's not working here. But what's the point? Why are you here listening to my ramblings, as my brother and his friend in the next room watch the "Tokyo Breakfast" pilot. (A fine show, and unreasonably rejected, though it needs more racism in my opinion - Odovaucer) Surely there is still hope for a decent update; there is still a small spark of interest. And I continue, but as I have been implying through this entire paragraph: to what end?

Let this be a lesson to you kids, those three paragraphs probably cost us a couple of readers. A mediocre start with a confused middle and an introspective ending discussing not the update itself, but the author's inability to update. That's like if you opened the book to the last chapter and the author started talking about his doubts about the book (But it's your own damn fault, you fucking hippy, for skipping right to the end. What kind of person does that? A fagort. - Odovaucer) Yea, what the hell? "This is probably the worst update ever" you're thinking. And I won't disagree... well I actually I will, I look at horrible blogs all the time and I find horrible writing all the time. While this is slightly confusing, it has yet to cross the threshold of pure undiluted pain. And damn am I using large words in this update; I feel intelligence (Author's Note: I sure hope that irony isn't lost on you mongloid flesh-demon scum-biscuits).

At this point you should be wondering why I'm spending such a long time writing about writing. And so I'll tell you: better writing is part of Lemon Party's purpose, as the easiest way to tell if someone is of subpar intelligence on the Interwebnation Superhighway is to look at their writing. However, unlike in our optimistic youth we realize that the entire Interwebnation Superhighway is full of hopeless rejects, so we're not going to discriminate against them for things that they can't control. Microsoft Word does come with a spellchecker (but no idea checker); we expect you to use it. Please folks, before you publish your horrible rant about why the government is implanting chips in your girlfriend's mind to have her withhold sex from you, look for the obvious misspellings. If you're too stupid to do that, copy and paste your update into Microsoft word and then let the cold unfeeling compassion of your computer take over. If you're too poor to afford Microsoft Word (despite the fact that it comes with 99% of all computers that you could buy in a store) you can always use Open Office, which is like Microsoft word only free (and I'm going to assume worse). There, you no longer have a reason to be posting updates with spelling errars (unless humorous).

I don't expect 99% of you to have decent writing skills; hell I don't even expect for you to even spellcheck (it's how I've stayed sane), but the second that you label yourself a writer we have a problem. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you have absolutely no talent for writing and you should die, but before you try and claim that you're a writer please try and... well... not suck. Don't give me the "I don't need to use punctuation or capitalization because I'm like e e cummings" story, or don't think that your own personal style means that you can switch in and out of telling a story and then moving into some sort of poem. I realize that there are many more things that they could do to annoy us, but that's just the stuff that I saw in the aforementioned link.

I mean what the hell? Let's try and master conventional writing before we go off and claim that we're too good to do that unhip stuff. My English teacher once said something to that extent. He talked about how before you can make dramatic changes to your plays or stories or whatever you first had to understand how they worked, what worked, and why. L Ron Hubbard didn't just start Dianetics, it was built off of other crazy fringe psychotherapy treatments. These things work for a reason, and if you're posting your stories on your livejournal I highly doubt (although it is possible) that you understand the mechanics of story writing well enough to change it drastically. That and you're probably 13.

Everyone needs practice before they get good at something, and we realize that. And so does the rest of the world; I mean that's why you have blacksmiths and apprentice blacksmiths. Notice the A word in front of blacksmith? That means that it's like a blacksmith, only still learning. So before you label yourself as some sort of writer, try and be totally sure that your stories don't suck.

Easy? In case you have problems remembering the entire update, I'll make a short one sentence bolded portion that will basically summarize everything that I've said:

Thou Shalt Not Label Thyself a Writer Unless That Statement is True*


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.


*You're probably 13 or something, ask your English teacher how your stories are and what you can do to make them better. Writing, like all arts, is subjective. So obviously if I don't like it that doesn't necessarily mean that it sucks. However, if the only people praising your stories are your halfwit friends, and you're barely scraping by your Short Story class with a C+, then put down the pencil and pick up some god damned clues.


- posted by Andrew @ 10:16 PM (0) comments

 
Outsourcing to Japan: Hot or Not?
So, it appears that once again you are spending this present juncture in the time/space continuum picking up wisdom via osmosis from the burgeoning vat of wit and wisdom that is Lemon Party. Whether you arrived here by design or accident is immaterial. That's not the point. The point is the sharp bit at the end. Alright, that wasn't very funny, but I'll tell you what is: wretched segues! That's right, nothing's more fun than a horribly pathetic segue. So with no further ado, I'll take you to one.

The Segue

I am now seguing.

The Bit After the Segue




And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.




Oh my, that was a bit early don't you think? We don't really want to end our entry that quickly so we'll need an exposition after the bit after the segue:

Exposition After the Bit After the Segue

That was a cheap gimmick, but it felt pretty Lemony, at least to me. However sources have informed me that cheap bits aren't sufficing anymore. Which is why we're outsourcing to Japan. Actually that was another joke, you're stuck with English speakers, but we are adding a new one. But you probably guessed that that was coming before I told you. So what can I tell in advance; what can I tell you before you're subjected to this interloper? Well I wasn't that far off when I said we were outsourcing to Japan as the new poster is from Australia, which, as we all know, is part of Korea, which is a Japanese puppet. He's not an Australian though, he just lives there for some reason. Can't imagine why. But anyway, he was born in Ireland and speaks fluent Gailic and not much English. But still, he's technically an English-speaker, so I wasn't lying way back when I said that he spoke English. Not that you care whether when I said that I he spoke English he actually spoke English or if he didn't speak English, and I was misleading when I said that he spoke English, as he did not speak English. All that's irrelevant, the fucker speaks the language. He just sounds silly.

So I suppose that's enough background to whet your whistle. Oh, I should tell you his name while I'm at it shouldn't I? His name is Faggy McFaggster (Don't let anyone convince you otherwise), but because that name's kind of suspect he goes by Puffin Dingo or something of that sort. Either way I have the suspicion that he's a homosexual. But what can you do? Well I suppose you could not add him to the Lemon Party stable. But that's not my style. If you want to know my style...well just recall lewis's stint here. Or you could follow the handy link to lewis's writing I hid as a link earlier in this update. Either way, you know this is a gamble, but what the hell. He's just a canuck.



And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 7:49 PM (0) comments

 
Welcome to th
Let's face it, I enjoy writing updates and you all enjoying jacking off. While I'll be the first to admit that it might not be the most perfect union, it's still damn good. Now I realize that while we might not offer as much porn as some sort of porn distributing site, we still offer daily (not always daily) doses of hilarity... and a jackhammer. Ok, well that's a lie. The jackhammer is actually used in serving out the daily doses of hilarity, I'm not really sure about the mechanics of it so please STOP FUCKING ASKING ME! OK?!

Good, now that we've gotten that out of the way I can begin the pre update show countdown entertainment by MCM. I'm just kidding, we're not sponsored... yet. I mean if we were we'd actually be making money for doing this and not just writing for a bunch of readers who never comment anyway. Well except for Lorenzo, but we don't really care about him, because he's Italian and we're racist mongoose haters. I'm just kidding, we love mongooses... unlike those dirty lazy badgers. I hate badgers. If my daughter (Right, your daughter, sure :rollseyes: - Odovaucer) ever wanted to marry a badger I'd be like: "NO! GET AWAY YOU GOD DAMNED BADGER! YOU'RE NOT STEALING MY DAUGHTER AWAY FROM ME AND MOVING TO YOUR INFERIOR STINK TOWN OF STINKY BADGERS!"

Yea, I would be that angry. I mean just look at badgers, they move into our town, stealing our jobs, stealing our watches and TVs, causing crime, and just about being inferior. Now I know for a fact that I am a purebread (White or whole wheat? - Odovaucer) human 100%, none of that animal bullshit. And before you call me a racist badger hater, I got like all of the human race agreeing with me. How would you feel if some badgers moved into your town, started attacking your dogs, knocking over your garbage cans, and taking your jobs! I mean and they have brains the size of peas, what's up with that?

Just the thought of badgers makes me so angry that I die. I mean think about all of the bad racial stereotypes that you can think of for blacks, Asians, terrorists, and all the other races, ok? They're all true when you're talking about badgers. God damn do I hate those badgers. (I think he may be a homosexual - Odovaucer) Now some petty shallow minded people may take this to mean that I hate black people or those sand people... but the truth is that I don't. I even asked a black person who also happens to be my friend if he liked badgers, and this was the following conversation:

Andrew: Do you not like badgers?
*** [E-mail removed to protect the innocent] (YMA) has joined the conversation.
YMA: No
Andrew: you like badgers?
YMA: no
YMA: wait
YMA: i mean....
YMA: no
Andrew: Do you do you not like badgers?
Andrew: or do you not*
YMA: goredffd
Andrew: IT'S A SIMPLE QUESTION! I NEED TO KNOW
YMA: yes
Andrew: so you do like badgers?
YMA: no
YMA: i hate them with a passion
Andrew: ok, good
Andrew: excellent
Andrew: thanks for your input

As you can see, in the beginning the badgers clouded his judgment with their mind clouding judgment reducing rays. I hate those badgers. I should really stop talking about badgers because every time I talk about them I'm thrown into a pit of rage so horrible... so vile... that the badgers themselves must have created it. It's a disease, a horrible, horrible disease. Luckily for you, I have the cure, and I will be selling it for the low low price of $50. If you want the cure feel free to post your credit card information in the comments, and I'll probably use your card to buy lots of things that I like, which more or may not include a knife set from the fine people at Henckel knives, they may not be number one on the football field, but they're number one in our hearts.

Or as the pig people say: Oink oink oink oi'nk. I realize that what I just wrote isn't very good, but I've only been taking pig for about a year so I'm not really fluent... that and all of those online dictionaries don't offer translation into pig, what fucking bullshit.

You know, they say that you shouldn't write on an empty stomach, which is why I just consumed two pieces of toast for my humble breakfast. Toast with butter, yes, toast with rich artery clogging butterer.... and I have no clue what the hell I'm doing anymore. I just sort of write, and my updates come up without rhyme or reason, just a lot of sperm. However, this is where you all come in. It's been proven time and time again that our readers have absolutely no imagination whatsoever so every time that I ask for an opinion I tend to get no responses what so ever, but since I'm the optimistic type I'm going to believe that this time will be different.

Ok? Here's the game, I'll give you a list so that you can vote on what my next update is going to be, that or you can suggest one yourself, I really don't care I just want to see that we have readers who at least have enough intelligence to write down "Do the dog one" or "I don't like any of those choices, do an update on suburban sprawl."

So, the list:

1. Suburban Sprawl
   
2. The dog one
   
3. Do more updates on what's wrong with blogs
   
4. Why windows are good
   
5. No, seriously, I want more blog updates
   
6. Lemon Party sucks major ass
   
7. How to protect yourself from harmful radiation
   
8. How to not protect yourself from harmful radiation
   
9. Why you'll die cold and alone
   
10. What is Odovaucer's deal with pants (Pants! - Odovaucer)?
    

My my my, we have quite a list there don't we? In case you're not sure what the answer is, it's yes. So vote... or don't vote... I'd just like to have feedback on what I'm doing right and what sends you into a rage so horrible that it could only have been caused by my writing and badgers.


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 3:00 AM (0) comments

 
Convection vection, what's your section?
The beginning of an update is always the hardest, so let's just jump into the middle ok?

Now that we're in the middle of the update we can do hilarious things that we were unable to do at the beginning of the update. Why? Because the beginning of the update is for losers who are losers and who live in loser town, loser. Anyway, as I was saying I can't do hilarious things at the start of the update because it's hard to start an update, starting in the middle is so much easier. And that's really what we at Lemon Party are all about, easy times. Not to be confused with good times, although we do enjoy those too.

Speaking of good times, any of you remember all the good times of we had when my two associates: Odovaucer and Carverbuns insulted a certain nameless girl's blog and she got angry and all of her friends got angry and I got shot? Actually, that wasn't a good time at all... it was a bad time. We at Lemon Party do not support or condone bad times. Bad times are like good times except that they're on the opposite scale of the timeometer. In case you're curious as to what a timeometer looks like:



As anyone can plainly see, they're on opposite ends of the spectrum... spectrum of my heart. Sigh, what times these are, when a man such as I can cry... can cry... Oh nobler deeds have been done, but none by one so noble. Yet is it clear that I am done. Not fun.

Phew, I'm not sure what came over me, but it had a bluish tint. God damn did it have a blue tint. It was sorta like this spectral blob thing, which like totally like just like floated onto my head and then I like started to like spew that bullshit.

OH GOD THERE ARE MORE OF THEM! ESCAPE WHILE YOU STILL CAN! THEY'RE EFeCtan Mah typan. DIs AinT NoT KeWL DOwaggggg.

Dog? Dog? OH GOD He's dead! Somebody call an ambulance, there's blood everyone and... Wait... he's trying to say something. Don't... don't.. don't.. DON'T WHAT DOG!? DON'T WHAT?! God, today has just been getting worse and worse. First the battery in my car went dead because one of the very tiny lights was on somewhere, apparently it was been put on by someone. As I had just gotten the car and hadn't driven in the dark (hint: why do I need light in the light?) it certainly couldn't have been me. Why would I turn the light on? Alright, that's a lie, I did drive in the dark once when I was driving Odovaucer home from a hot swingdid at his girlfriends pad and he was messing with all the stuff in the car... perhaps he pushed the button. Then for a week the light drained the battery until today, after school, when the car broke down. Bravo Odovaucer... bravo.

Anyway, as I was saying before I accused Odovaucer of ruining my life. Dog is dead and there are multicolored gaseous blobs effecting my writing. What a day... what a day. You know, even though today hasn't been the best day ever, it certainly hasn't been the worst. You know why kiddies? It's because I'm taking a short sabbatical from my surviving the future updates to return from my short sabbatical of not talking about blogs (zero updates short).

Today however, is different. I will not be linking to just one blog... no... I will be instead be linking to a community of blogs, or as I like to say: a community of blogs of the damned! You see these people are no mere idiots. They are idiots with a passion... a passion for killing that is! I'm not kidding, the community is all about who you want to kill and how. What a bunch of useless mousebuckets. I mean seriously, this ain't not no blogging commandment, this is just common sense. You just don't talk about killing someone on the internet. I mean when the police search the internet (which they will) and they find your angst filled live journal where you talk about killing your psycho ex-boyfriend it will probably amount to something in their investigation, especially since no one else had the motive (except for Mr. Huchinson, but we won't go into that).

The internet is a public forum, don't think that just because you hide behind the guise of cutegrrl779 that they can't find you. They've logged your IP address cutie(grrl779), and they're not afraid to use it. Plus the fact that you're talking about killing people over the internet is just pretty pathetic, daaaaaamn.

So, in conclusion:

YOUR LIVEJOURNAL IS NOT PRIVATE! IT'S PUBLIC! PUBLIC PUBLIC PUBLIC YOU FILTHY SKANKS!!! IF YOU DON'T WANT PEOPLE READING IT THEN MAKE IT PRIVATE BY CLICKING ON THE LITTLE PRIVATE OPTION! DON'T COMPLAIN WHEN PEOPLE FIND IT AND THEY BUST YOUR SORRY ASS FOR POSSESSION OF A SORRY ASS!



And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 8:07 PM (0) comments

 
Atimetotalkatimetoscream
Commandments are nice aren't they? http://sindiary.blogspot.com/ Moses had ten, right? Or maybe that was like God or JHVH or something. Whatever. Mythology was never my strong suit. My strong suit is the zoot suit. It's a riot. Fucking hippies. Anyway, no this is not the aftermath of a drinking binge. It's just a hangover. Or is it? I don't know. My eyes are drooping and my fingers are hardly gliding over the keys today. Typos are beginning to outnumber words, not that I really care, that's what spellcheck's for, amirite? Ah, netspeak, I really am fucked up in the head this morning. Actually I'm not even sure this is a morning. That's how much my head is throbbing. This is a site about blogs. A site that gets a fuckload of google hits from perverts searching for "lemon party." Or "gap owns hot topic." Actually somebody found us looking for something about Arabic I think. Whatever. Did you know that Hemingway killed himself with a shotgun? They thought it was physically impossible, but he proved 'em wrong. That Hemingway, what an original thinker. A trailblazer even. Anyway they call it the Hemingway solution now. Ok, ok so anyway this girl's about to go dissect a cow heart and she's trying to snap her latex gloves on. You know, like in movies in stuff. They always do it just before they stick their hands into somebody's rectum. Rectum? Damn near killed him? hahahahahahhahahahahahahaha. I have class. And distinction! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. I need Caffeine. I capitalized it because it's a bit of a godhead to me. ahahahahahahahahahaha!

* * *

Okay, that's an example of something. Something ugly. It's a first draft. There are some good bits...but there also some bad ones. Very bad ones. That's why this was not published. And because it doesn't exactly connect to blogging. But then not everything here connects to blogging. Well it does, but sometimes the link is a bit tenuous. The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw. The future. Pshaw The future.

* * *

That was an example of another horrible waste: a second draft. Suckiness can last quite a while indeed. In fact lewis/dwjkiod's entries sucked after over nineteen drafts. Nineteen. Which is one more tha twenty. Or maybe even one less! I don't know. But I think you know what's going to happen next.
Yep:

* * *

Fourth draft. This is a bad sign. When you need this many drafts it usually means you're writing something important. Something meaningful. Something of significance. At the very least something likely to rake in the cashola. (The "word" cashola is hereby stricken from the official Lemon Party vocabulary.) So what's the point of this day's writings? Well try asking Alanis Morisette. She may be able to help.


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 12:10 AM (0) comments

 
Pain is pleasure
Why do I do it? Day after day I always seem to update for our loyal readers here at The Party. Some of you might say that we have no loyal readers, but we check the referrer logs, and we see that you're there. You can't hide from us.

So why do I do it? Why do I update every day or every other day or at least four times a week depending on my mood. Why spend all that time on something so horrible? Not to say that our writing is horrible, because I hope it's not. But come on, making fun of people and talking about how much better we are than them every day can seem like a pretty horrible thing to do. So what have I covered so far? Basically we're horrible people who appear to take pleasure in your pain (why else would we do it?)

To be totally honest, I don't know why we do it. Perhaps it's the fact that we're mean, bitter people who can only go on living knowing that we're better than others. Since we aren't we have to make fun of other people's faults and then imagine that we are. Perhaps it's that we're controlled by aliens, or perhaps it's that we can't get enough of that sweet chocolate taste. Whatever the reason, we're just mean people full of mean thoughts; mean people who do mean things.

But before you judge us, please look at our side of the story. While yes, we are mean, we're also broken and hurt individuals who are forced to go through life cursed (Speak for yourself - Odovaucer). When you read you friend's (or anyone's) blog you more than likely feel pity because of all sorts of horrible things happening in their life (more than likely involving the opposite sex). (For whatever the reason we've reviled far fewer homosexuals - Odovaucer) When we read blogs, we're thrown into a rage so intense that we lose the ability to see the world as anything other than an abstract maze of colors, thoughts, and European capitals. Believe me, it's not a pretty sight.

We can't just read a blog; we can't see past those annoying as hell mannerisms and all those horrible misspellings. We're eternally cursed. Pity us friends and foes; pity us, for we are you!

Not really you so much as us, but you understand where we're coming from here, right? Riiiiight?

Fuck it, I hate you and you hate me. Nothing else besides that (well... and pants (Word - Odovaucer)). But what if there was something besides that? Some spark, some hidden hope, some forbidden love. Yes, that's right, I love a commoner! But it is against my tribe's law to marry her, or else both she and I will be exiled to the land of eternal despair. It's a horrible tragedy, oh whatever will I do?

Sigh, sometimes I think that the whole world is against me. HAVEN'T I GONE THROUGH ENOUGH!? That's what everyone is always spewing, always talking about how much pain they've gone through and why they keep getting dealt more. Whether or not you've gone through as much pain (or as horrible pain) as you claim, the fact that everyone does it makes me think that you're just some sort of pussy whiner. You're probably 15 and you've been rejected by three girls (all of whom think you're a creepy stalker) and now your life is over and you've gone through enough pain to last you two and a half lifetimes.

To keep you on your toes though, this update isn't about that at all. In fact, it's actually about grammar and punctuation. As silly and as hypocritical as it seems, I still have to talk about it. I realize that my grammar and punctuation aren't quite perfect (That's what I'm here for - Odovaucer), but at least I'm not like some people. Jesus Christ people, an exclamation point is not the same as a period. Before you hit the publish button, if your update would reduce a remedial English teacher to tears, maybe you should go back and try again. All those typos and misused punctuation points are apt make you look even stupider than your thoughts make you look.

Like I've said before, we don't ask for much and some commandments are more mandatory than others. Some are simply there for you to gain a higher understanding of blogging, others are there so that you don't make a complete ass of yourself and make me to kill a 12 year old hooker. This is one of those mandatory ones, and just in case you don't understand what I'm getting at I'll give you a little crash course in the punctuation that goes at the end of sentences.

So, here's a puppet show of sorts for you, entitled: Dr. Strangelove or how I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb (name pending lawsuit, may change later)

.: Hello, I'm a period. I go at the end of sentences to show that the sentences are over.
!: I'm an exclamation point! I show that sentences should be delivered with some force or emotion.
?: I'm a question mark. Can you guess what I do? That's right! I show that a sentence is also a question.
!: Say period, do you think that I should be used in place of you?
?: You just used a question mark! There's me.
.: Tru dat question mark, and no exclamation point. I don't think that you should be used in place of me, otherwise the writing would be stupid and illogical. Plus if everyone used you instead of me I would become useless. That makes me sad.
!: I'm sorry period, please don't cry!
.: It's not your fault... it's just that sometimes I feel so left out. No one ever wants to use me.
?: Don't say that period, you're a wonderful and unique person. Some people just don't understand your finer qualities.
.: You think so?
?: I know so.
!: Yea!
.: Thanks guys, that makes me feel better; I'm going to go home and get some rest.
! and ?: See ya period.

Cut to .'s bathroom, ? enters

?: Period, I knew that you were still feeling bad so I brought you some... (notices . face down in his bathtub) OH GOD NO!! WHY GOD?! WHY!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!? Curse you people! You did this! You killed... you... you... MONSTERS! If it takes me a thousand years I will bring you all to justice!

Moral of the story, use the fucking period or he might kill himself, and do you really want that on your chest? (Plus I'll unzip my pants, and do you really want my nuts on your chest? - Odovaucer)

Thou Shalt Use Proper Punctuation



And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 9:46 PM (0) comments

 
This update is probably fully of grammar mistakes and poorly written sentences. Get used to it.
Last week, in my infinite wisdom I decreed that Lemon Party should not keep our own lives secret and mysterious, especially not if it can help our loyal readers. So I decided to reveal the secret of immortal life (not to be confused with immortal youth... oh god why can't I just die?), of course as any person with two eyes, a working brain, a heart, a liver, and a whole other slew of organs can read. It requires that you be in the all important and impotent future.

But enough about me and my bizarre organ fetish, you need to learn how to survive the future. Assuming that you followed my advice in my previous entry, you are now in the future and you need to learn how to survive it. Of course because you're already in the future this has already been written and so you don't actually need it to be written. Of course if I didn't write it then that might kill you and mess with the past so that the aliens take over. My the future is complicated business.

Anyway, I went over how to get to the future before, and now I'm going to begin part two of a N part series, N of course stands for how long I'm amused by this. Whether it'll be two more updates or seven more updates is left up to fate.

So, without further delay onto

Surviving the Future Part Two:
Choosing your Weapon

• Laser gun: It's the future, and as any idiot knows there are now laser guns. Before you run off and choose this as your primary weapon there are a few things that you should know first. While yes, the laser gun is powerful, portable, and shoots a nifty red light (also available in blue), you also have to realize that there are a few downsides. The first being that while they are normally the ideal weapon, they are rather expensive. Given inflation and the fact that you're a retarded mongoose you probably don't have very much money. You would probably have a hard time affording the gun itself, which is not even mentioning how much power cells are. If you're a rich snob you definitely want a laser gun, otherwise you may want something a bit more economical.
  
  
• Pistol: Let's face it, despite its age the pistol is still an excellent weapon. Of course knowing that you probably have no experience with firearms, you're probably pretty likely to kill yourself rather than your assailant. I recommend the pistol for everyone to use; it is truly a weapon among weapons.
  
  
• Knives: Ok, so you're Different McDifferentstien and you don't want to die from your own pistol. Fine, whatever, use a knife. Knives are good for multiple reasons, the first few dealing with their cost and availability. Knives are everywhere, hell, you could just break into someone's house and take a few kitchen knives. If they try and stop you, stab them, perfect escape. Of course this isn't to say that knives don't have downsides. Dealing with the fact that their range isn't that great, and do you really want to be carrying around a sharp pointy thing in your pocket? Just a tip kids, if you're going for a knife try and make sure that you have a holder for it first (If it's a big knife (i.e. sword) you can use a scabbard. Scabbard. Say it with me kids: scabbard. - Odovaucer).
  
  
• Fists: If you've ever played any video game with the word fist in its title, you'd know how devastating this weapon can be. There are many pros including the fact that your fists can't be removed during a fight (well... not easily), that and they are also with you from the very beginning. Plus they cost nothing, now that ain't bad! Of course they also come with a few downsides: punching hard things hurts, punching sharp things hurts, punching things hurts, range issues, you're a weak flabby girly man, and you always lost in previous fist fights. As you can see they aren't good if you aren't properly trained in their use. On the other hand though, if you're going down (turtle_07 does not have a strong grasp of the mechanics of oral sex - Odovaucer) anyway, why not break the guy's nose before you do?
  

Well those are some semicoherant options; use them in good health and be merry and all of that garbage. Nothing about blogs for today... of course if you have seen a terrible blog that you want to bring to our attention then by all means please post about it in the comments. We're never too proud to accept links to horrible blogs.




And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 10:14 PM (0) comments

 
Pause for Reflection or Cause for Refraction?
This my friends is Friday. Okay, okay, actually you're not my friends, but you get the idea. The seventh turtle_ of an innumerable line of turtles_ has been demonstrating certain points of blogging style. And he's been right a stunning 14 million percent of the time. Not bad, even for an e-internet celebrity such as he. Him? He. I don't know. It's late and I'm tired. But at least I'm not high. Funny that I should mention that in a lame attempt at segue, when in fact the subject of this entry is the experience of blogging high.

There's one vital difference between blogging high and blogging drunk. Believe me this difference is vital: it's illegal. Unless, of course, you live in Amsterdam, in which case no one gives a fuck about you. So anyway you're not in Amsterdam so doing drugs is a crime regardless (no, irregardless still isn't a word) of the side effects or lack thereof. Doesn't matter if you're doing weed for medicinal purposes, religious purposes, or as good old-fashioned R&R. You're committing a crime. And posting accounts of your crime on the interwebnation superhighway is generally considered a bad thing. And don't think about changing it later once you've slept it off. Chances are it's cached at least half a dozen difference places across the net, not to mention the possibility of your "friends" taking incriminating screenshots.

Of course this missive applies to more than just drug influenced posting, but I have decided not use the phrases "hook-nosed Russian", "naive albino girlfriend", or "ice cold" today. Other than of course that prior sentence. And there's no possibility of my naming the Elberts...that is to say culprits. I'm above that.



And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 10:50 PM (0) comments

 
This is the end... my only friend... the end
In the last article that I wrote I thought that I would point out that Odovaucer and I both live in the future, because as I said before, the now was just too damn depressing. Well, that got me thinking. See, if we live in the future we're sure to know what the future holds, and in an attempt to be nicer and not call you an assortment of naughty words, I thought that I would just let you all in on a little secret. These are the answers to the next five yes/no questions that you might have:

(In no particular order)
Yes
No
No
No
Yes

As you can see the future is full of wacky antics and even wackier people. Like that Frank Caltronzen, what a character. Yea, the future is great alright. However, just because the future is full of wonderful things like lollipops, umbrellas, and cocaine you still have to be careful. There is danger lurking around every corner, and a corner lurking on every danger. You really have to have quick wits and a shotgun to survive the future, however assuming that you're one of our readers you more than likely have neither. Which is why I've made this guide which I like to call "Surviving the Future." In this guide we'll teach you how to survive in a barren and alien wasteland full of flesh eating mongloids. (Generally throwing sticks for them to fetch will handle it - Odovaucer) Don't worry though, as long as you follow our guide we promise (don't promise) that you'll be safe (not very safe).

Part 1: Traveling to the future

As we all know you can't survive the future until you're in the future, and you can't simply wait for the future to happen, because if you wait it'll always be the now, and since the now isn't the future that isn't any way at all to get to the future. If anything it's a death trap, no one's ever died in the future, only in their present. That's right, I was lying before, no one's ever died in the future, and because no one isn't someone, it's technically impossible for you to die anywhere in time but the present! Get off your fat ass damnit and get into the future where the rivers are made of gumdrops and you can never die (although aging doesn't stop). Enough of my incomprehensible chit-chat, you've got a future to go to, and I've got a race of people to exterminate, we're both busy people. Which is why I'm now moving on.

• Using a time machine:
  Although not much is known about time machines, enough is known to let you know that it's a viable option. However few there are, you can always find at least one within a two mile radius of your house. The only hard part is seeing past the illusion that the government has crafted around it. I can't actually tell you what the illusion will show, as I have never seen two time machines use the same illusion. What you'll want to look for however is an influx in hyperdense particles, it's a common fact that hyperdense particles are drawn to time machines like potato chips to my mouth, if you can spot them, you'll have no trouble finding one. If you have trouble in this field, you'll probably want to try option 2.
  
  
• Reverse Flashbacks
  As any moron knows, you can travel into the past easily by just getting knocked out and flashing back to the past. Since the past is not where we want to go, we need to the future, we'll be doing something called a reverse flashback. Since the flashback requires getting knocked out, the reverse flashback requires getting knocked up. I'm not sure what else I can say about this technique, except that 90% of the time it will not work (so keep trying) and it will only work on a woman or a man with a uterus. If you have problems finding the time machine and you're a man without a uterus, you may want to try our third and final way of getting into the future.
  
  
• Talking to Larry
  Larry is this cool guy that I met down at the Y, not much is known about his past except that he's really mysterious. Sometimes he'll disappear for weeks at a time, or other times he'll be in 5 places at once. I'm not really sure how he does it, except that it involves time travel. He's told me about it on occasion, he says that he can lead anyone through the deep green veil into the land of the unknown. I don't know about you, but when someone says deep green veil you're inclined to believe them, I know that I was. Now I haven't been to the future with him so I can't really tell you what to expect, just that it's probably pretty trippy. Anyway, to get to Larry you just need to head down to your local YMCA and ask for him by name. At first they'll act like they have no clue who he is, but keep pushing and they'll give you his contact information. Once you meet up with him there's a fee or something. Although I've heard that he'll do it for a sandwich these days, so you may want to bring a few of those and get the premium.
  

Anyway, I'll continue with how to survive the future in future updates, right now we have more important issues. Namely you learning how to blog correctly, and me getting a fine ass bitch to send into the future if you catch my drift and I think you don't, so I'll just act like this sentence never happened and continue. This is a link to Lemon Party, a site where three old men have an orgy.

Blogging is different. Not in the "ha ha look at that kid's giant forehead" different, but different in the sense that you can actually take time writing it unlike most other online activities. I mean unlike when you're writing on a forum or in an IM, there's no time limit. You have all the time in the world, there's no reason why it should be poorly written and horrible (unless you're really stupid). That sounds familiar right? Yea, I've written it before. It's in one of our many commandments. However, it's been proven time and time again that I have to CONTINUE to restate things. You'd think that being told once that they were different mediums, and as such should be treated differently once would be enough. But nooooooo, you just have to act like everything is one giant horribly misspelled AIM conversation.

Honestly people, you should never been ending your blog entries like an AIM conversation, there's no where that you have to go, you can end it nicely instead of just saying "so long ttyl." I mean that's chat room stuff when you're talking to one person, and it makes absolutely NO sense when put into a blog entry. You were never actually talking to me in the first place, end your god damned entry normally so that I won't be forced to beat you to death with your own pelvis.

Next time you want to end your blog entry, try thinking of it less like an IM conversation, and more like essay. Give us something other than "I HAVE NO TIME TO UPDATE BUT I WILL UPDATE ANYWAY OH NO MOMS CALLING TTYL!!!" Sheesh you people make me sick.

So please, in the very end just try and remember:

Thou Shalt End Thy Entry Correctly



And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 9:37 PM (0) comments

 
What if?
In a stunning new development, it's been proven that we are the source of all things evil. Story at 11.

By 11, I have the 26th. Seriously, read that update. And them comment you sons of bitches, I mean honestly people, we don' t work for free... well we do. But is one god damned comment too much to ask? People who whine about their shitty lives and write about it in poorly written blogs get all sorts of comments. WAAH WAAH I'm a failure at life at 15 WAAH WAAH my life is over because I'm 15 and no girl has ever touched me because I'm a fat bastard who writes fanfiction of Jade from Jackie Chan Adventures turning into a demon and then fucking her uncle. Oh wait, that was me. Ignore the spelling mistakes though, I didn't believe in spell checker back then. In other news, I'm not fat or fifteen. What's up with that?

Oh yea, back on topic. You're a loser who thinks that being a loser at 15 is some sort of foreshadow about how the rest of your life will be. If people would stop living in the now, and start living in the future we'd be much happier. For instance, in the future Odovaucer and I are both E-Internet celebrities. If I lived in the now I'd realize that we're just bitter people who run a bitter blog where everyone hates us and no one comments (I'm sad). Luckily, I don't live in the now... I mean I will if it will get you fuckers to comment. I still can't get over that, I mean we run a website, and I know for a fact that I spend at least a half an hour on each update, making sure that it's funny (I try! Honestly!) and not too poorly written drivel about Julie rejecting your advances even AFTER you took off your pants. Of course that shit gets at least 20 comments ranging anywhere from "Sorry dood" to "You're a fucking retard", but I mean they still get comments. And before you commie pinko bastards bring up the fishing for compliments commandment, I'm not fishing for some god damned compliments, I'm not even fishing for comments every single day. I just ask that once in a while when my stupendous brain fails and I'm forced to ask you worthless mongrels (you've proven yourselves to be worthless by not commenting) I ask for just a response or two. I know for a fact that a few of you enjoy the wacky antics that we do, so come on, give back a little.

That was a long and stupid rant, I mean who woulda thunk that I would actually rant on my blog. God forbid I should be a hypocritical bastard! It's not like you are. I believe that the term that you're looking for is "oh snap", or as the Japanese say "oh snapu". Man, I gotta stop ragging on the Japanese, they're people too (unlike you). God am I feeling bitter, I guess it comes with the territory.

And oh god I'm so alone. So very very alone. I can't go on doing this anymore, ragging on people for complaining about something that I want every single day... oh who doesn't want to be loved? Oh I'm going to die alone, oh god no one will ever love me. I just can't go on without someone loving me. For the love of god, you people make me sick. It's even more horrible when they add some sort of condition too it, I'm alone... but the person MUST love the song Scatman as much as me. I'm sick and tired of reading your retarded drivel, I mean I realize that I always talked about trying to guide and father, and not just break down but at this point I'm so bitter and angry that I wouldn't care if you died of malaria.

I'm just joking, Malaria is a horrible way to go. Not a very funny joke huh? Yea, well I tried, which is more than can be said about your ugly face you son of a bitch.


I'm so cold... so very cold.


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 8:55 PM (0) comments

 
I also typed my title with just my pinkies... and I did it faster nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah
Apathy and Disinterest. Capitalization Equals Emphasis. Emphasis is overused. But everyone likes that joke about emphasis on the wrong syllable that is entirely impossible to convey in writing without looking entirely stupid. But here at Lemon Party we don't mind looking stupid. Because we know you're the stupid one. Apathy and disinterest. The answer to our little question of comprehension is forty-two. Either that or seven commandments. Eight commandments including 2, 4, 6, 17, 19, 20, 21, 22. Now I know that this site received nearly a thousand page views last week. One thousand. That means nearly fifty views from interwebnation superhighway users not named Lorenzo. That’s a lot. Even more if you consider that Lorenzos are actually a mere quarter of our hits (Okay, to tell the truth I have no idea, but suffice to say that at my last check Lorenzos come here more often than I do). Still that many hits, you’d think someone would be comfortable enough in his or her comprehension to take a stab on the quiz.
Why am I droning on about this? Well, Lemon Party is an educational site; I’ve said that a number of times and it bears repeating. Part of the educational process is figuring out how well the students are learning. Testing is a long accepted method. Now, as you all seem to have been stumped by that comprehension test, it seems we’re going have to begin remedial work. Perhaps you have understood the topics we’ve hit so far. But we have no way of telling…so you lose. However there is still hope. I have begun developing plans for aiding the slower Lemon Party students. Here is the in-progress site. Check it as frequently as necessary, for your future as a blogger is at stake.



And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 12:01 AM (0) comments