Exits won't be lit
Today has not been a very good week for me. To start off, my previous entry was pretty bad, and then, to back up even further, the entry before that had a grammar mistake in it! Add in the fact that the last two sentences have made less sense than a turkey dinner without mashed potatoes, and I think that I owe all of you fine folks an apology and an explanation... well an explanation at least. I'm addicted to crystal meth.

Not really, but the truth is much more boring. And as we all know boring things are boring and such should not be used for entertainment. Which is in fact what this is blog is, entertainment. That and a way of life. A way of life for you, I don't need any Internet king on his high horse telling me how to blog. But enough about my musings, this update is about you, and what you can do to make your life better in the year 3000.

That's right my dear friends, as many of you might (but probably don't) remember I ran a short (three entries, you can find them here) series about how to survive the future. And as many of you might remember it ended abruptly and without reason. You can all stop emailing me (I don't actually receive any emails... ever) about it, I wasn't forced into silence by the government or space aliens... or even a government comprised of space aliens. The sad truth is that I stopped writing those updates because every one of our future cadets died... apparently they didn't read my updates (or they did). Anyway as we're currently sending 15 new cadets to the future I thought I'd start up doing "How to survive the future" again. So without further introduction:


How to survive the Future part 4:How to survive the past

It is my belief that one of the reasons why our cadets did so poorly was a conjunction of two things. One) The fact that they didn't read my updates and 2) The fact that my updates didn't take into consideration other time traveling cadets. Hence my current (in the present, not the future) update on how to survive the past, or other time traveling cadets from now (the present, but the past in the future).


Lesson one: Do not attempt to fight other time traveling cadets
Scratch that.


Lesson one point five: Attempt to fight other time traveling cadets
They're after your precious food and laser ray guns. And even if they're not, you can still beat them up and take their precious food and laser ray guns (don't try and fight them if they actually have laser ray guns).



Lesson two: What to do if you can't win the fight
Remember, if it ends up that you picked a fight with a super strong homeless person or another cadet (or anyone really) with a laser ray gun you have a few options. The first of course being run, but that one is for pussies, and you're not a pussy, right? The other option is actually just common sense. If you can't see them then they can't see you. Immediately throw your hands over your eyes; the later you do this the more chance there'll be that they'll be able to find you. Once you're sure trouble has passed, take your hands off your eyes, but be sure to wait at least five minutes. They might be lying in wait.



Lesson three: How to win a fight
This one is pretty self explanatory



That's all for today class, any questions?

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

- posted by Andrew @ 7:27 PM