This update is probably fully of grammar mistakes and poorly written sentences. Get used to it.
Last week, in my infinite wisdom I decreed that Lemon Party should not keep our own lives secret and mysterious, especially not if it can help our loyal readers. So I decided to reveal the secret of immortal life (not to be confused with immortal youth... oh god why can't I just die?), of course as any person with two eyes, a working brain, a heart, a liver, and a whole other slew of organs can read. It requires that you be in the all important and impotent future.

But enough about me and my bizarre organ fetish, you need to learn how to survive the future. Assuming that you followed my advice in my previous entry, you are now in the future and you need to learn how to survive it. Of course because you're already in the future this has already been written and so you don't actually need it to be written. Of course if I didn't write it then that might kill you and mess with the past so that the aliens take over. My the future is complicated business.

Anyway, I went over how to get to the future before, and now I'm going to begin part two of a N part series, N of course stands for how long I'm amused by this. Whether it'll be two more updates or seven more updates is left up to fate.

So, without further delay onto

Surviving the Future Part Two:
Choosing your Weapon

• Laser gun: It's the future, and as any idiot knows there are now laser guns. Before you run off and choose this as your primary weapon there are a few things that you should know first. While yes, the laser gun is powerful, portable, and shoots a nifty red light (also available in blue), you also have to realize that there are a few downsides. The first being that while they are normally the ideal weapon, they are rather expensive. Given inflation and the fact that you're a retarded mongoose you probably don't have very much money. You would probably have a hard time affording the gun itself, which is not even mentioning how much power cells are. If you're a rich snob you definitely want a laser gun, otherwise you may want something a bit more economical.
  
  
• Pistol: Let's face it, despite its age the pistol is still an excellent weapon. Of course knowing that you probably have no experience with firearms, you're probably pretty likely to kill yourself rather than your assailant. I recommend the pistol for everyone to use; it is truly a weapon among weapons.
  
  
• Knives: Ok, so you're Different McDifferentstien and you don't want to die from your own pistol. Fine, whatever, use a knife. Knives are good for multiple reasons, the first few dealing with their cost and availability. Knives are everywhere, hell, you could just break into someone's house and take a few kitchen knives. If they try and stop you, stab them, perfect escape. Of course this isn't to say that knives don't have downsides. Dealing with the fact that their range isn't that great, and do you really want to be carrying around a sharp pointy thing in your pocket? Just a tip kids, if you're going for a knife try and make sure that you have a holder for it first (If it's a big knife (i.e. sword) you can use a scabbard. Scabbard. Say it with me kids: scabbard. - Odovaucer).
  
  
• Fists: If you've ever played any video game with the word fist in its title, you'd know how devastating this weapon can be. There are many pros including the fact that your fists can't be removed during a fight (well... not easily), that and they are also with you from the very beginning. Plus they cost nothing, now that ain't bad! Of course they also come with a few downsides: punching hard things hurts, punching sharp things hurts, punching things hurts, range issues, you're a weak flabby girly man, and you always lost in previous fist fights. As you can see they aren't good if you aren't properly trained in their use. On the other hand though, if you're going down (turtle_07 does not have a strong grasp of the mechanics of oral sex - Odovaucer) anyway, why not break the guy's nose before you do?
  

Well those are some semicoherant options; use them in good health and be merry and all of that garbage. Nothing about blogs for today... of course if you have seen a terrible blog that you want to bring to our attention then by all means please post about it in the comments. We're never too proud to accept links to horrible blogs.




And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 10:14 PM