Thursday Is Not The Last Day Of The Week
Thursday is not the last day of the week. Friday is the last day of the week. On Friday we leave our schools or our offices comfortable in our knowledge that the week is over and we can finally relax. Friday is the last day of the week.

Yet our schools and our work start back up on Monday. On Monday we gird ourselves with backpacks and briefcases and set off grumbling into the rising sun. Monday is the first day of the week, everyone knows that. If Monday is the first day of the week Sunday must be the last day of the week because a week is seven days long; everyone knows that. Since each week is followed immediately by another week, the day before the first day of one week must be the last day of the previous week. Sunday is the day before Monday. Our syllogism is airtight: Sunday is the last day of the week.

Yet the calendar clearly states that Sunday is the first day of the week, and the first day of the week cannot be the last day of the week. The beginning and the ending are two very different things. Nothing is both the alpha and the omega. If Sunday is the first day of the week Saturday must be the last day of the week. It's awfully difficult to successfully argue against the calendar. Only once has it been done successfully, and the man who won that argument was the Emperor of Rome of the calendar was not all that well established at the time. Since then it has never lost an argument, though occasionally it has slept through arguments, which it certainly would have one had it been awake, but unfortunately the argument was considered forfeit, and the opposition's position was accepted. It is also difficult to successfully argue with carpets, but that has nothing to do with the matter at hand.

The important question is whether or not Thursday is the last day of the week. So far we've established that the last day of the week is three different days. None of which is Thursday. Yet when some manner of holiday truncates one's working week by a single day, Thursday may in fact become the last day. Today is one such Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 11:59 PM (0) comments

 
I am Going to Write About Penises
I like penises. They are very nice. I have a penis and I like my penis. It is a nice penis. Penises are really neat because they are long and hard and full of semen. Semen has sperm in it and sperm has half a baby in it. That is why sperm is important. There are no babies without sperm and there are no sperm without semen and there are no semen with penises.

A penis is sometimes hard and sometimes soft. It is only hard when it is happy and some times it gets too happy and that makes it unhappy. Penises have lots of mood changes. Mommy says penises get sadder as they get older. I hope my penis is not sad when I grow up. I like my penis. I want it to be happy. I want all penises to be happy.

A penis has a head which is at the end of the penis. Mommy says some penises have their heads cut off. That is sad penises should not have their heads cut off that is bad. Penises are good just the way theiy are. God made penises perfect and we should not upset His divine plan.

There are infinity penises and that is a lot of penises but there are more every day. There can never be too many penises because penises are so important. Not everybody has a penis and that is sad. It makes me sad. It makes me sad because not everybody has a penis and everybody should have a penis because penises are very nice.

Penises are also really cool because my mommy has one. She lets me touch it sometimes. It is much bigger than mine but mommy says mine wil be just as big one day. Mommy says that I am very lucky because most other mommies have no penises. That is too bad because those mommies can not have children because they have no penises. That makes me sad. At least I have a penis.


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.


Editor's Note: the primary plural of penis is "penes."
- posted by Odovaucer @ 11:57 PM (0) comments

 
There is a Radio in my Brain
There's a radio in my brain. I'm getting messages from the FBI. They want me to spy on my neighbors; they want me to be their informant. There's a radio in my brain and the FBI is telling me what to think.

There's a bullet in my brain. I'm losing my senses; I'm losing pain. The bullet isn't stopping, but I am.

There's an alien parasite in my brain. It's controlling my body. I can't stop it; no one knows it isn't me. There's an alien parasite in my brain, and we're all going to die.

There's a thought in my brain. It's my own creation,; it's my own invention. It's not very good. There's a thought in my brain, and maybe I'll have another one day.

There's a tumor in my brain. Purple nurple esophagus boogers. Eatin' a donut; zict Aaoctrcncovoxeaitdbc ukuba. There's a tumor in my brain, and I have a shotgun.

There's a song in my brain. It won't get out. Goo goo g'joob. I am the walrus; I am the eggman. Goo goo g'joob. There's a song in my brain, and I'm crying.

There's a Q-tip in my brain. I put it in my ear; now it won't come out. I have a Q-tip in my brain, oh shit.

There's a memory in my brain. It's my shame; i can't seem to lose it. Why won't it fade? There's a memory in brain, and I'm not sure I want it anymore.

There's a bullet in my brain. I am dead.



And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 10:25 PM (0) comments

 
Event Horizon
I was told by my esteemed lemolleague (Lemon Party + colleague... it makes sense) Odovaucer to write an update with a purpose. I was told that my update would be about kittens; I was told that I would do this or he would kill my mother. I was also told that one of my three dogs had been equipped with a bomb and I was to make the update 'snappy' if I didn't want to play Russian roulette with their lives.

I responded thusly: I told Odovaucer that he was not only full of shit, but also full of dumb, I told Odovaucer that there was no way he could have attached a bomb to any one of my dogs because I have x-ray vision, and I told Odovaucer that I had never done no wanderin' (it was on my playlist at the time). Of course that exchange got me wondering (not wanderin', see above), just what's newsworthy... what deserves to be proudly displayed in our prestigious blog?

I mean can I just write whatever the hell I want? Are there standards that I must abide by? Has it stopped being taboo to write about our personal lives in Lemon Party? What if it's really cool... like a swirling vortex of pain opens up in my bathroom and I start seeing naked women through it? What a predicament! What a quandary! What a high school education!

This if course begs to ask the even larger question of: "Can I talk about what I can talk about in our blog?" Which begs the even larger question of "If I can't talk about what I can talk about in our blog, what can I talk about?" I asked our resident science scholar that very question and after running a series of tests he left me this email:

From: Resident Science Scholar
To: Uniquename@gmail.com
Subject: Re: What can I write about?

Kittens

I like Calicos the best, how bout you guys?


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 11:38 PM (0) comments

 
Nudeist Colony Thirty: Description Goes Here
I haven't updated very much recently, and that's because I didn't really feel like updating. It seems a culture of trolls has developed during my apathy, a development that I shall address at some point in the future.* At the moment I'm publishing a "Nudeist Colony." This would be the time each week that I show off some of the more interesting paths readers took to reach this site. As usual, all referrer logs are of English-speaking Americans using Windows and Internet Explorer, unless otherwise specified.


Wed Mar 30 18:42:21 2005
Bryan-Cave.lightcore.net
65.208.227.246
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_10_03_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&q=%22Amanda Reeve%22%2B%22arizona%22

"Who is this Amanda Reeve?" you may be asking yourself. Or perhaps you may be asking me that question. You may also be curious as to the nature of this so-called "arizona." Well you certainly came to the right place for answers. I cannot have clearance to reveal all at this juncture, but I can tell you that she is in touch with the ground and that she is on hunt; she's after you. Scent and a sound, she's lost, and she's found. And she's hungry like the wolf. Women and children in the eastern United States are advised to stay in doors between the hours of four PM and six AM.


Fri Apr 1 15:20:36 2005
67-136-13-235.bras01.kea.ne.frontiernet.net
67.136.13.235
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_10_17_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=nudeism&btnG=Google Search

Nudeism, not to be confused with nudesme, is the latest trend in working class lifestyles. Intriguingly nudeists are found exclusively in United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, though their notoriety has long since made its way to America. A nudeist can generally be identified by his branded sportswear, baseball cap, and gaudy and excessive gold jewelry. Nudeists are generally teenagers or young adults of lower class upbringing. David and Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham are the ultimate in nudeist role models, and are greatly respected among nearly all nudeist circles. Nudeists also show a very strong affinity for specific brands, Burberry in particular for clothing and Nokia for mobile phones. Nudeists are a heavily stereo-typed sub-culture, but for the most part the stereotypes hold up. The vast majority of nudeists are indeed prone to all imaginable sorts of public indecency, some you probably have not imagined as well. Nudeists spend the majority of their waking hours intoxicated and are often responsible for petty violent acts. Nudeists have earned such negative press that Burberry has discontinued its line of baseball caps because of the indelible association with nudeism. That is, in a nutshell, all there is to know about nudeists. Now you don't need to search Google for them anymore.


Fri Apr 1 11:43:25 2005
Netscape 5
CPE0004e2c47130-CM014270111978.cpe.net.cable.rogers.com
24.114.254.67
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005/02/twenty-third-annual-nudeist-colony.html
http://www.google.ca/search?hl=en&q=stripteasing&btnG=Google Search&meta=

I am so shocked and offended by the nerve necessary for someone to come here looking for stripteasing that I will speak no more of this referrer log and instead refer you to some breaking news.

BREAKING NEWS: I have it on good authority that Amanda Reeve is willing and able to strut on a line. According to her it's discord and rhyme. Apparently she howls and she whines. Once again I must repeat that she's after you. Her mouth is alive, all running inside, and she's hungry like the wolf. Consider yourself warned.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

*When I say culture I really mean two guys. After all, culture is what you make of it.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 11:59 PM (0) comments

 
I'm sorry
Alright, there, I said it. I apologize for all of the times that I posted a bad update and forced all of you (our humble readers) to read it; I apologize for threatening to eat your dog and/or cat if I was not fed dinner after I forced you to read the update (I'm not attacking the troll, I actually did this once, I'm not too proud of my past), and I have a very special apology for a Mr. Fuck you lemonparty. My apology to him is two-fold. First, he has a terrible name (or Internet alias as it is more often called), and second... well there was no second.

At this point you should be asking yourselves, why on Earth is he apologizing, and how come his updates are so terrible? Or, if you are only capable of holding one thought at a time: "Now how did they get this that there Internet to fit into my computer screen?" In response to the first part of your thought: it's called a segue; we've been over this before.

The second part of your thought/question... well that's what this is about. Imagination is the name of the game, and I severely lack it. I was the kid in art class who would stare at the blank canvas for at least one full period before he even had an idea about what he would draw (that would be if I actually took drawing/painting classes). Good ideas for me are few and far between, and I am very bad at turning a mediocre idea into something funny. Sorry.

So what can we do about that? If you just thought nothing than you sir are a defeatist, and I WILL NOT have you reading our blog! Whenever you have a question it's always best to consult the Internet, as it will be the fastest and most reliable source of information. It's also a good idea to cross-reference your search with a movie in which someone had a similar problem. For instance, if I were being hunted down by zombies, Night of the Living Dead might have been a good thing to look up. As I am currently looking for imagination or, if you will, a swing in my step I will be looking up just how a lady named Stella got her groove back.

(I hope you all understood how severe a sign this is. - Odovaucer)

Step one is to use a search term that the search engine can understand so that you can get the best possible results. For this reason I have chosen the phrase: "How did stella get he groove back?" The question mark lets the search engine (google.com) know that you're serious and that this isn't a search for naked pictures of Pamela Anderson.

Don't let anything sway you from your question, especially poor grammar. Do not, under any circumstance give into any suggestions that the search engine might throw back at you. Example:

"Did you mean: how did stella got her groove back?"

The best thing to do in this situation is to immediately type into the search box: "No, I did not mean "(search engine's suggestion)" and then hit enter so that it will change your results away from what the search engine thinks you want and instead display what you actually want.

Unfortunately this is one of the unlucky times when the search engine has not been able to find a sufficient answer to your question, don't fret too much, it happens sometimes. I suppose I'll never know just how Stella got her groove back... although I suppose that even if I did know it was probably some dance move and nothing that dealt with writing humorous updates for an Internet site.


Stay tuned (don't actually) for part two in which I find hope at the bottom of a bottle of KetelOne Vodka.


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 6:02 PM (0) comments

 
CAN I GET AN AMEN!?
Alright, here's the breakdown. There are over ten million vampires living among us and the only thing keeping you from dying and becoming number ten million and one is quality merchandise. That's where we come in.

Vampires are among us and have been among us for as long as any of us (us being the people who help defend the world from vampires) can remember. Our documents date back as far as when Lincoln was killed by a vampire for attempting to impose a blood tax. Later on the vampire media covered it up and blamed John Wilkes Booth. Why am I telling you this? There is a very good chance that when the vampires catch wind (and they will) they very well might send assassins after you or try and besmirch your good name with false lies (also known as truths). They'll dig up so much dirt on you you'll wish that you had a shovel. That's where we come in.

We also sell shovels (and shovels covered with spikes in case a vampire attacks you). With these babies you can never get caught in a landslide of dirt, it's impossible. Don't believe me? Here's a very real and not made up script of what happened when the vampires tried to besmirch one of our customers:

Vampire (on the television): And it is also known that John Carmack HAS SEX WITH GOATS!
John Carmack: (beheads vampire with the shovel) Stay in school kids.

Do you see what' I'm saying? Although it should be known that once they discover that along with imposing blood taxes you're also beheading them they may try and kill you. That's where we come in.

We also sell 'fake' blood. Fake in the fact that it's actually liquified garlic. You can use are patented neckpack(TM) and when the vampires try and take one bite out of you they'll turn to dust, easy huh? Hunting vampires has never been so simple or affordable; if you'd like to look at our pricing plans you can email me and we'll talk business.

God bless.


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 10:08 PM (0) comments

 
Dare to Be Stupid (Don't Actually)
Today I'm going to discuss something called a metaphor, a band named Slipknot, and the origin of the expression "a stitch in time saves nine," among other things. We will also make mention of the word "simile," but only to differentiate it from "metaphor."

It is quite possible that you've heard the word "metaphor" or the word "simile" before. You may even know what one or both of them mean. Don't worry if you aren't familiar with them though, you've used similes countless times whether you knew it or not. You see it's kind of like using a gerund in that you don't need to understand it conceptually to use it competently. The previous sentence contained both a gerund and a simile, and your ability to follow it was not in any way impeded by your inability to identify the gerund or the simile. It did not, however include any metaphors.

Now that we've established that much let us pay a visit to our dear friend, myepitaph over at deadjournal.com* Italics mine.

but now im exhausted. i feel like i am a mummy, and i should be lying inside my coffin for the next 3 lifetimes, waiting for someone to crack me open. and when they do, it would give me one clean breath of air in a thousand years, and that one breath is almost enough to breath new life into a melted and forgotten body, slowly decayed over the years.

one thing about being a mummy, youll never be grumpy when someone pulls the blinds on you, but youll still look like complete shit in the morning.

Notice the italicized clause, which just happens to be simile in action.** myepitaph is not trying to claim that he is mummy, he is merely drawing attention to what he sees as the as the similarities between himself and a mummy. There's only one problem.

Okay that was a blatant lie. There are many problems with this passage, most obviously the complete dearth of capitalization. More important is an extremely subtle error, and by subtle I mean that he has no fucking clue what a mummy is. Seriously. He's waiting for someone to crack him open? Yeah, that makes a whole fucking lot of sense, doesn't it? Oh and one breath of air is "almost enough to breath new life into a melted and forgotten body?" That's just pathetic. Awful writing coupled with awful science yields awful bullshit. At least his final thought is deeply meaningful and clearly written. Oh wait. It's just as stupid and pointless as the rest of his idiotic self-indulgence. My bad.

Reading further into myepitaph's archives we see that about half of his posts have been complete song lyrics and insipid Quizilla quizzes. How surprising that he would split his time among three utterly pointless pursuits. It would seem that he is, in fact, an Internet moron. On deadjournal. My jaw simply will not return from its resting place on the floor.

Back to our words, though. Please, please, please, do not confuse the mummy simile with a metaphor. If you see the word like or the word as you do not have a metaphor on your hands. The distinction is an incredibly simple one, but people will time and again fail to make it. A metaphor is one word used in place of another to imply a likeness or analogy between them or simply a symbol of something else. The metaphor is the more difficult figure of speech to use as it is noticeably more subtle. No overt connection is made, the point is never spelled out. This is probably why very few people can understand the concept of the metaphor; most of you need someone to explain everything to in single syllable words. To think, you are the future. I weep for the Earth.



And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

*There are five instances of the extended middle finger in his buddy icon if you were curious. That's a gesture, known as digitus impudicus, that once signified the gesturer's distaste for his or her target. However the gesture has developed a self-referential meaning in recent years. It now signifies that the gesturer is of below average intelligence and is trying desperately to appear rebelliously hip and stylishly rebellious. The pulchritudinous fellow pictured is the lead singer of wildly unpopular band Slipknot. He wears a mask to hide the vagina where his nose ought to have been. That's the danger of nailing your sister: not only will your kid have a vagina for a nose, but he'll also helm form and loudly and aggressively atrocious musical act.

**What a lucky accident!
- posted by Odovaucer @ 11:59 PM

 
Definite Impossibilities
This is Lemon Party. I tend to write things and post them here. Now, you may not have been reading this blog since it's inception; in fact you may be reading it for the first time right now. Now I am of the school of thought that suggests that it is impossible to know where one is going if one does not know where one has been. As such, it is important to me that I explain where Lemon Party came from before I reveal where it's going.

In the distant, primordial past I was just another guy surfing the Internets, looking for something fun to waste my time. I like to remember these are carefree days (though they weren't) because nostalgia is very hip and very reassuring. There I was without a care in the world, until I discovered blogs. Blogs, short for weblogs, are websites set up to allow Internet users to share their writings with anyone who stumbles upon said writings. Some people used them as journals, some as soapboxes, others merely for socialization. There are hopes and fears, dreams and stories and essays on blogs. There are homework assignments and fan fictions and photos and scientific papers. In short the entire breadth of human endeavor can be found in blogs for no cost to the consumer. Blogspot, Livejournal, Xanga, and more provide hosting and a template for anyone with an email address to start up a blog.

I found this world, and immediately two emotions swelled in my breast. I felt the sweetest sadness, a mourning for such wasted potential, and I felt a slow-burning rage welling up from my spleen in waves of righteous indignation and the ire born of stark betrayal. I saw corruption where there could have been virtue. I saw hacks where there could have been artists, fanfic writers where there could have been novelists, whiny teenage brats where there could have been essayists. All that space completely and utterly wasted. So I thought to myself that someone ought to do something about that. Now I knew cleaning up the Internet's blogs was far too demanding a task for man, but I knew that I had to make the effort. Even when he is doomed to failure, the moral man will attempt to do right.

Thus was Lemon Party begun. I wrote my treatises and brought in outsiders to offer their own perspectives on the blog menace. Slowly a small readership developed, and we have made some impact on the Internet; we've made a difference, Goddamnit. In recent times though it seems as if we may have lost our way. It is becoming more and more infrequent that you will see a "commandment" or other commentary on blogging or a particular blog. Instead these pages are oft filled with a cacophony of other writings. We've posted comics, and treatises on Dungeons and Dragons, and Nudeist Colonies, and villainous slander against each other. In the end, though we've lost that spark, that guiding purpose. It's been difficult for me to accept this, but I have now come to terms with the inevitable downfall of our crusade.

I am now ready to announce that no longer shall we maintain this pretense of blogging about blogs. No longer will we waste your time with foolishness like comics and nudeist colonies and time travel. From this day hence Lemon Party will serve a new role in the community, that of film reviewers. Four days a week we will review a film available at your local Blockbuster Video. On Fridays I shall post a review of a newly released film still available in cinemas across the nation. We will also be implementing a new sortable archive that will allow you to browse our reviews with unprecedented ease.

There is some sadness at giving up our past, but I hope that whatever regrets you may will be tempered by the promise of our bold new future. Thanks for reading. Good night.





And remember to visit our sponsor Blockbuster Video!
- posted by Odovaucer @ 5:46 PM (0) comments