Lemon Party
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Twenty-Nine Nudeist Colonies is a Prime Number of Nudeist Colonies
Today's Nudeist Colony contains a list of referrer logs, and is dedicated to the world's Shover Bots; too long have they played second fiddle to the Pusher Bots. As usual I have given date, time, resolved domain, IP address, the page viewed, and the page the reader was referred from. It should be taken for granted that all of these folks are English-speaking Americans using Windows and IExplore unless, of course, I tell you otherwise indicated. My comments will follow each entry, and my enthusiasm shall wax and wane with the moon.
Wed Mar 23 22:05:28 2005
English (Ireland)
81.169.147.22
http://www.lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://www.altavista.com/web/results?itag=ody&q=free child nudeists&kgs=1&kls=0
It's saddening that even today the practice of slavery continues on. Apparently even naked children can be and have been enslaved. After all, why else would he specify that he wanted to see free children? Oh, wait. My mistake, he isn't looking for "free child nudists," he's looking for "free child nudeists." That's good. I was worried that really children were in bondage. Instead we only have to worry about nudeists, which are, luckily, nonexistent. I am relieved.
Thu Mar 24 00:44:47 2005
Farsi
Toronto-HSE-ppp3749109.sympatico.ca
67.68.99.106
http://www.lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_12_05_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=trample party pictures&toggle=1&ei=UTF-8&xargs=0&pstart=1&fr=FP-ta
I've seen a lot on the Interwebnation Superhighway. I've seen more than I wanted to see; I've seen more than you have. That said I had not heard the phrase trample party before now. It's pretty easy to guess that it's going to be a group of women walking on some guy. Sounds ever so erotic doesn't it? Of course there is a healthy minority that gets off on this stuff. Healthy minority as in a sizable population of pathetic sickos, that is. He's also Farsi-speaking Canadian, another one of my absolute favorite minorities. I just love Internet.
Thu Mar 24 13:10:19 2005
adsl-68-77-154-66.dsl.emhril.ameritech.net
68.77.154.66
http://64.233.167.104/search?q=cache:GzSm03CPf24J:lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005_02_13_lemonparty_archive.html freakshow midi download&hl=en%20target=nw http://www.google.com/search?num=100&hl=en&lr=&newwindow=1&safe=off&q=freakshow midi download&btnG=
All three of those words do in fact appear on that page. Unfortunately for that fellow they do not appear in that phrase. This is why some Internet users put "quotation marks" in their Google searches.
Thu Mar 24 13:11:02 2005
Netscape 5
customer.netlogic.net
206.80.64.146
http://www.lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=crazy party pictures&sm=Yahoo%21 Search&toggle=1&ei=UTF-8&fr=FP-ta
Not all parties are sedate, elegant affairs. Sometimes you just cut loose. Cutting loose means something different to everyone. Some folks play loud music, some do body shots, some have casual anal sex. The point is that some parties are totally jumping and some aren't. As has been previously stated, we have images of neither. Neither. That means you can stop coming here looking for them, chief.
Thu Mar 24 13:49:53 2005
adsl-67-114-223-15.dsl.scrm01.pacbell.net
67.114.223.15
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005_02_27_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=shitcock
It appears someone else was in desperate need of the gospel of shitcock. Shitcock is a thing of beauty and purity. It is a symbol of that is right with this world. A cock constructed of shit may seem an unpleasant thing, but in reality it is the very stuff of life. Humanity began at the behest of a cock made of shit. Your very existence, dear reader, is entirely the fault of a shitcock. That fecal phallus has provided you with you all you have in this world. The ejaculate of the shitcock is the life that flows in your veins. I hope you'll show the appropriate respect.
Fri Mar 25 16:30:11 2005
pcp0011661186pcs.summit01.nj.comcast.net
68.38.87.139
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005_02_20_lemonparty_archive.htmlhttp://www.google.com/search?q=song lyrics containing Muhlenberg College&hl=en&lr=&safe=off&start=1
Not every Nudeist Colony has a centerpiece, a single listing that simply blows the others out of the water. This one does. First off we have obviously imbecilic way of running a search. Instead of getting results that feature the word lyrics and the phrase "Muhlenberg College," he got pages that contain the words "song," "lyrics," "containing," "Muhlenberg," and "College." How many songs do think have the word "containing" in their lyrics? If you answered, "none," you have far too much faith in the world's songwriters. If you thought the answer was "zero good ones" you'd be right. If you thought the answer was "zero songs about Muhlenberg College," you'd also be right. Who'd want to listen to a song about Muhlenberg anyway?
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Comics Day
A second comic? Surely you jest!
I don't jest... and stop calling me Shirley... BAZZING!
(Read the first comic here)
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Twenty-Eight is Equal to Seven Times Four: Nudeist Colony
This week's Nudeist Colony is dedicated to Hot-News.org. It's time once again to take a closer look at you, our doting audience. Specifically we'll be looking at how you came to be reading this very page. As usual, all referrer logs are of English-speaking Americans using Windows and Internet Explorer, unless otherwise specified.
Tue Mar 15 14:49:37 2005
ppp-69-229-9-172.dsl.irvnca.pacbell.net
69.229.9.172
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_10_17_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?fr=sbc-web&tab=&p=nudeist&btn=Search
Oh my. This individual trawled the interwebs for the word "nudeist." Isn't it interesting how I reflexively refer to it as a word? Yet we've trod this ground many times before, the proper spelling is "nudist." "Nudeist" grates upon the reader's mind, and even a rank amateur can detect that there is something incorrect about that spelling, but to see whether or not this disqualifies "nudeist" as a word we must consult Merriam-Webster. Let us examine Merriam-Webster's treatment of the word word.
The primary definition is "something that is said." Any utterance at all qualifies as a word under this definition, even "shitcock," "shitcock, shitcock," and "shitcock, shitcock, shitcock." Now this is a rather broad definition, and it may or may not accept "nudeist." One would think that neither nudist nor nudeist is technically an utterance; both are merely series of symbols printed on your screen. Yet, as it turns out, the word utterance is actually "something uttered; especially: a spoken or written statement." So yes, nudeist is a word. I'm glad we've cleared that up.*
Tue Mar 15 15:06:17 2005
69.146.38.152
http://www.lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_12_05_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?fr=slv1-cnetf&p=nudeist colonies
Nudeist colonies. Those would be colonies of nudeists, would they not? We should by now know what is meant by the word nudeist, but are we clear on the term colony?
For this we turn, once again, to Merriam-Webster.com.
1 a : a body of people living in a new territory but retaining ties with the parent state b : the territory inhabited by such a body
A "nudeist colony" is therefore a group of "nudeists" who have ventured forth into a new territory separate from the main body of "nudeists," not to mention nudists, and set up shop. Naked shop. Interestingly this is not the common understanding of the phrase "nudist colony," which one would have expected to be quite similar in meaning, naked meaning. Such are the things one learns on the internet. The naked internet, that is.
Wed Mar 16 00:06:26 2005
Netscape 5
bbcache-111.singnet.com.sg
165.21.154.111
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2003_12_28_lemonparty_archive.html
http://clusty.com/search?v%3afile=viv_85%4026%3aaN3f5x&v%3aframe=list&v%3astate=%28root-0-20%29%7cN
The explanation for this eludes me. I'm afraid I simply do not have a ready answer for this peculiar display, this naked display.
Sat Mar 19 02:09:16 2005
ppp-70-243-136-251.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net
70.243.136.251
http://www.lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_10_17_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?fr=sbc-web&tab=&p=www.nudeist.com&btn=Search
Does it ever strike you as odd that people are using yahoo to find websites whose addresses are already known? I mean if I were interested in finding the website nudeist.com I would just type that into the address bar.** Yet this person decided to use yahoo to look for it. He needed to check "http://lemonparty.blogspot.com" to make sure it was not, in fact, merely a masquerade and a cover for "nudeist.com." It was not. It was, however, this very site. This very naked site!
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
*This doesn't mean you should ever use it though. By this definition "faewjgkjafhpaghelwo" is a word, but I don't think you'd get much mileage out of that one either.
**I am not in the least bit interested in finding that website, but I typed it in anyway, just to satisfy your sick curiosity. It's a straight-forward pornography portal site. Shocking. Who would have expected to find that sort of the thing on the internet?
Thursday, March 17, 2005
twentysevennudeistblahblahcolony
This Nudeist Colony is dedicated to Starware Search. This is the time each week that I show off some of the more interesting paths readers took to reach this premier source of wit and wisdom. As always, all referrer logs are of English-speaking Americans using Windows and Internet Explorer, unless otherwise specified. I'll be sounding off with whatever words I feel like wasting on you. Yes, tomorrow you will see the first update from our newest Lemon Jockey, and today is St. Patrick's Day. I'm a bit conflicted as I'd like you get to become intoxicated and die in a drunk-driving accident because you're all morons, but on the other hand I'd like to keep coming and reading, both to inflate my ego and to help provide entertaining referrer logs.
Mon Mar 7 01:40:29 2005
French (Canada)
modemcable221.37-201-24.mc.videotron.ca
24.201.37.221
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_04_11_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=party perversion&ei=UTF-8&fr=FP-tab-web-t&fl=0&x=wrt
Some mornings you just don't feel like getting out of bed. Hell I don't feel like getting out of bed morning, noon, or night. Sometimes you just need a special something to get your day started. For many people that special something is called caffeine. For me it's generally the suffering of the less intelligent. For one special individual its the knowledge that tonight there's going to be a party, a perverted party.
Mon Mar 7 08:04:30 2005
English (Australia)
wurax1-099.dialup.optusnet.com.au
203.164.202.99
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_10_17_lemonparty_archive.html
http://websearch.optusnet.com.au/search/optusnet?p=nudeist&submit=Search&y=
Carver Buns: once upon a time he posted here. That time may have past, but his legacy lives on. This particular Australian went through three pages of archives searching for, I suppose pictures of the elusive Carver Buns, nudeist poster. I would say that he was disappointed but not as disappointed as he would have been had he actually found such image. Trust me, it is with good reason that we try not to let any images of him get onto the interwebnation superhighway.
Mon Mar 7 12:37:42 2005
164.145.219.232
http://66.102.7.104/search?q=cache:mGjV4Gqb6AQJ:lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005/02/twenty-third-annual-nudeist-colony.html+%22man+of+constant+sorrows%22+guitar+tab&hl=en
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&rls=GGLC%2CGGLC%3A1969-53%2CGGLC%3Aen&q=%22man+of+constant+sorrow%22+%22guitar+tab%22
This one is may be nigh unreadable for some of you, but even the mean lackwit ought to be capable of deducing that this has to with the song "I Am a Man of Constant Sorrow" from the hit motion picture O Brother, Where Art Thou? based on Homer's Odyssey. Specifically this was a google search for guitar tabs. Lemon Party is not in the business of providing guitar tabs, so the search seems to have been at least temporarily stymied. Interestingly enough the searcher was not content at seeing that we had nothing of the sort, and he resorted to checking Google's cached version of our page. Shockingly enough, this was also completely bereft of guitar tabs.
Tue Mar 8 09:14:32 2005
Japanese
YahooBB218136010101.bbtec.net
218.136.10.101
http://search.yahoo.co.jp/bin/query?p=nudeist beach&fr=top%2c top
Little known fact: there are no nudeist beaches in Japan. That's why this fellow had to use Yahoo to look for one. Unfortunately for him, there are no nudeist beaches anywhere because "nudeist" is not a word. He was not able to grasp this immediately and read three pages of archives. Hopefully he understands now. Beach is word, though, just in case you were wondering.
Tue Mar 8 16:30:04 2005
66-108-153-200.nyc.rr.com
66.108.153.200
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004/05/enter-gimmick.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=examples %22delicious irony%22&ei=UTF-8&fr=slv1-&fl=0&x=wrt
This person most likely has a tumor in his brain. Ironically enough his search for examples of delicious irony turned up a page that has all those words, but no examples. What delicious irony! Truly, it is like rain on your wedding day! Verily, it is a free ride when you've already paid. Simply put, it is the good advice that you just didn't take. Who would have thought? It figures.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Discussion and Debate
Yes, a winner has been selected in the Who Wants to be a Lemon Jockey contest. You'll be hearing from him or her on Friday. Until then you'll just have to make due with the rest of us.
Today I'm going to open a matter for discussion and debate, as the title implied. This is a subject that Lemon Party intern dfjawieod brought to public attention, but unfortunately he has difficulty putting his ideas into cogent print so I will be presenting our subject matter for him.
Here's the question as he phrased it: Robots, Robot Clones, and Clones are all pretty sweet, but which one would you rather have?
Now that dfjawioed has presented the central question and fetched me coffee, we can take a closer look at the options.
The clone: A clone is quite a simply a human created to be an exact genetic copy of another human being. Clones are typically created by faulty Xerox machines attempting to print on two sides of the same paper. Although these are the most common of clonings, this is still a highly uncommon occurrence because Xerox machines hardly ever malfunction. The second most common source of clones is, of course, the clone factories of Venus. Regardless of their source, it is always somewhat difficult to identify clones since they are perfectly human in nearly ever respect. You could find a person's exact genetic duplicate, but that still wouldn't tell you which one was the original.
This is a clone.
No, wait. This is a clone.
Well, at least we can be certain that this is no clone.
So those were clones. Next on the list is robots.
The Robot: The robot is any machine that can do addition on its fingers. Generally robots will talk in very gravelly voices and move slowly.
Example of a robot.
So those were robots. Last on the list is robot clones.
Robot clones: Robot clones are clones of robots. I don't think there's anything really all that groundbreaking about this concept so I'll go ahead and show you the photograph.
Example of robot clones.
No let's take a look at our subjects as they compare to each other.
Dfjawioeraiod has gone on record stating that "a robot is very nice indeed." An interesting opinion, but not one we'll be referring to again. You see, although he must certainly have virtues of some sort, I know of no reason to ever pay any attention whatsoever to the opinions of dfjarweiodica. So I shan't.
We can argue for ages about things like the morality of cloning or free will in robots. We could discuss the economics of widespread use of either; we can talk about which one would win in a fight.
Those are all fine matters to discuss and debate as our understanding of the topic broadens, but there's really only one jumping-off point: Sex appeal.
Robots:
Clones:
I think this round goes to the clones due to their decided lack of cold, hard metal. Get out there and voice your own opinion!
Perhaps you're wondering why there hasn't been any further discussion of robot clones. Well think about it for a minute. Robot clones? That's just retarded. I mean do you honestly think anything so ridiculous, so obviously impossible is worthy of cheesecake shots?
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Friday, March 11, 2005
"Who Wants to Be a Lemon Jockey 2" Is No Longer Accepting Entries
Stop writing, and turn in your copy books. No further entries will be accepted. Thanks to everyone who entered, and the rest of you can get ready for our winner's debut on Friday. Have a good weekend, and try not write anything imbecilic in your blogs.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Thursday, March 10, 2005
The Final Frontier
Today I'm going to do something absolutely shocking. Today I'm going to be writing about blogging. I'm going to take a look at something brand new, something that has never before been discussed on these pages . First I need to remind you that the Who Wants to Be a Lemon Jockey contest is still in full swing. You can still enter at until midnight on tomorrow night, so get to work on your sample. We'll see if you've got what it takes to be a Lemon Jockey.
Back to that matter at hand. This week I'd like to talk to you about a blogging tool that has never before been mentioned here on Lemon Party. You could think of this as a momentous occasion. Or you could just read on slack-jawed as always. I'm talking about MySpace.com.
MySpace is a most peculiar sort of animal. Officially it lists itself as "a place for friends," whatever that means. It serves as dating service, blog, chat program, BBS, image hosting, and general excuse to circle jerk. That's right the primary function is building circles of friends through rampant ass-kissing in the hopes that those folks will turn around brown-nose you right back. A constant circle of ego-stroking much like Blogger and Livejournal.
Because MySpace is supposed to be a tool for meeting exciting new friends it has fields for a good deal personal data, and most users seem to be willing to share a sorts of interesting details, along with their names and photographs. The most important consequence is that this gives me even more opportunities to ridicule them.
MySpace's blogging tools are less sophisticated than those of the pure blogging sites, but the content is equally insipid. Yes, quoting song lyrics because that seem fitting still looks awful. No, appropriate capitalization is not difficult as Laura makes it look. Did you know that she does not smoke? She was quite firm in stating that, but apparently she found the question of whether she drinks not to be applicable. There cannot possibly be reason she cannot answer this question with either a "yes" or a "no." That she chooses to hedge means either she does drink and doesn't want that information to fall into the hands of those who would be displeased at an eighteen-year-old imbibing spirits, or she does not drink and doesn't want her friends to know she's such a pussy. Either way she chose a rather wretched way to go about it. If you'd like to keep certain information private try leaving the field blank. That way you don't draw attention to your unwillingness to answer the question.
Oh look, this dear fellow enjoys some quality television, doesn't he? Maybe we can cut Ezra some slack. After all he is a homosexual, and homosexuals were supposed to have no taste of their own, right? At least he's willing to admit that he imbibes upon occasion.
Hello Michelle. Michelle is an eighteen-year-old high school student who earns over $250,000 a year. Her hero is Paris Hilton and she enjoys the music of Vanessa Carlton, Juicy Couture, and writing. Something tells me she isn't making those two hundred fifty grand on her writing. Just a hunch though.
Much like on livejournal, just because you can do something doesn't mean you ought to. Not even Mormons like Adam should be allowed to alter the backgrounds of their webpages.
Liza is seventeen and a proud smoker, drinker, and parent. Luckily she makes over $250,000 a year, so she be able to handle the economic strains. Certainly are a lot of awfully rich high school students are MySpace. Notice that her body type is 5'4." Most of the previous MySpace profiles had words like slim or athletic in that slot. I think maybe Liza's a little insecure about her body! I guess that happens when you've squeezed a few out.
Again notice that none of the comments on any of those page were in any way disparaging or negative. Certainly the contents of those pages was not beyond reproach, and I doubt all MySpace users are so very nice people. Instead the primary purpose of MySpace has become obtaining as a long a list of friends as possible. That means circle jerk time. The same thing tends to happen on most blogs, but there's a delightful undercurrent of desperation here on MySpace. Comments on blogs are generally from people without anything to gain except dishonest praise. On MySpace you could gain a "friend" just saying that some girl looks "raelly cute ;-)"
In the immortal words of Laura, Ugg a wugg and outt...
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Nudeist Colony 26: This One Doesn't Have a Silly Title
By now you should all know that there's a contest running. You have until midnight Friday to enter. You could very well be the next Lemon Jockey.
This week's Nudeist Colony is dedicated to Zachary Gidwitz because we'll be dealing with his favorite word shortly. In this update I will list a number of the sites that have referred readers here in the last week. Each entry contains the actual data of an Internet browser who stopped by our illustrious website. As usual I have given date, time, resolved domain, IP address, the page viewed, and the page from which the reader was referred. If you see your own information here you should hang your head in shame but keep reading anyway. We'll fix you up in no time. All users are assumed to be English-speaking Americans using Windows and IExplore unless otherwise indicated. Snide comments follow each referrer log.
Fri Feb 25 20:52:29 2005
adsl-65-69-56-221.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net
65.69.56.221
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_08_22_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=lemonparty threesome&btnG=Google Search
Generally one doesn't have to use the word "threesome" when discussing Lemon Party, since it is really quite obvious how important the number three is to the concept. Just take the briefest of looks and you will be quite able to ascertain that what we're dealing with is unquestionably and immutably a threesome.
Fri Feb 25 23:44:03 2005
Arabic (Saudi Arabia)
65.162.184.5
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://www.parseek.com/search/?q=sex%2012-17%20year%20old%20picturs
No. No, no, no, no. We do not have any "picturs." We have never had any "picturs," and you can be sure that we will never have any "picturs." We didn't even have any incidences of the those eight letters in that order until after we started getting these hits. Oh Saudi Arabia, won't you please stop looking for kiddie porn here? I beg of thee.
Sat Feb 26 01:21:09 2005
Japanese
gw1.screen.co.jp
210.199.158.195
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2003_12_07_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.msn.co.jp/results.aspx?ps=ba%3d(0.10)0........%26co%3d(0.10)6.200.3.2.5.10.1.3.%26pn%
I cannot begin to attempt to postulate how to go about commencing to understand this well enough to explain it to you, let alone say something pithy. Suffice to say that he was probably looking for the tentacles. And the underage girls. And the inevitable collision of the previous two items. I think I can go out on a limb here and assume that it was specifically a vaginal collision.
Wed Mar 2 13:18:09 2005
d6-5.rb2.jax.centurytel.net
69.29.157.5
http://www.lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_12_05_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=nudeist colonies&sm=Yahoo%21 Search&fr=FP-tab-web-t&toggle=1&ei=U
Now it is possible that possible that this person was looking for information about nudist colonies for perfectly respectable reasons. Yet neither of us actually believe that's what's going on here. We both know this person (almost certainly male) was hoping to score some hot hot "pics" of naked ladies. Never mind that the vast majority of nudists are not in any way attractive to the normal, well-adjusted human being. Not that really means all that much. Every day the Interwebnation Superhighway teaches me that everyone is attractive to somebody.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Monday, March 07, 2005
Place your bets ladies and gentlement
While the battle for Who wants to be a Lemon Jockey may be winding down (it's still going on though, click the link, enter). The battle for our living room is just starting to heat up. The contenders? The Video Cassette Player, the DVD Player, the Cable Box, the Satellite Dish, and the Antenna.
You know the contenders; but do you really KNOW the contenders? I don't think so. Let's go over them so that you'll have an idea about the odds (I've also helpfully printed out the odds at the end of each bio).
The Antenna
He may be old, but he still packs quite a wallop. The Antenna is a favorite of those people who are either too cheap to buy satellite or cable or who are overwhelmed by the choices and fantastic programming that those services provide. You may not think that the Antenna has any real chance of winning, but I'll tell you this: no one ever complained about the rabbit ears on the television going out. It's a long-shot folks, but he just might pull through.
Signature quote: Fuzzy... JUST LIKE YOUR VISION'LL BE (after I hit you)!
Special attack: The ability to pick up Martian transmissions and convert them into laser-beams that can be shot out his eyes.
Odds: 4 to 1
The Video Cassete Player
Now this is the long-shot, folks. He doesn't have much going for him anymore besides maybe the cheapness of video cassettes these days and the fact that some movies just can't be found in DVD form. Maybe he isn't as good as the DVD player, but he is cheap. This dormant entertainment giant once ruled our living rooms. Now he can rule your cock for a low, low price after the show behind the dumpster.
Signature quote: I'll rewind you back to your momma's womb!
Special attack: Shooting video cassettes.
Odds: 10 to 1
The DVD Player
New and flawed technology no longer, the DVD player is here and is looking for trouble. Once he was overshadowed by the Video Cassette Player, but those days are long gone. With crystal clear picture and options out the wazoo he's here, and he wants blood. Its increasingly miniaturized form factor allows you to keep more than ever in smaller and smaller spaces. Especially important considering your ever-growing collection of four DVD collector sets of your favorite shows. Don't let his petite size fool you though, this baby can cook.
Signature quote: Here's a fun special feature... I BREAK YOUR FACE!
Special attack: The secret hidden teleportation option that can be found in the scene selection menu.
Odds: 2 to 1
The Satellite Dish
Want truly digital picture and channels that go up into the hundreds? Satellite is your boy. He also has add-on features that can turn a simple satellite dish into a complex satellite dish that looks the same as a normal dish. Did I mention sports packages? This guy has been watching football 24/7, and he is ready to tackle his opposition.
Signature quote: Order now and we'll even add in the "Re-arrange your organs" package for FREE!
Special attack: With every television satellite at his command he has ultimate knowledge, if you were ever on TV he knows you and he knows how to bring on the hurt.
Odds: 3 to 2
The Cable Box
Aww yeah, the current living room champion, this bad boy has wormed his way into every facet of life. In fact, if ever someone were to mention not having a channel the first question that comes up is: "What? Don't you have cable?" Lack of outside dishes that can be attacked by wolves makes the cable box the favorite in this fight.
Signature quote: Satellite is for faggots... you're not a faggot are you?
Special attack: Calling you a faggot.
Odds: 5 to 4
Let's get ready to rumble.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Comics hour!
Like what you're reading and want to be part of something great? Don't like what you're reading and want to one up some of your favorite (or not so favorite) Lemon Party posters? Now's your chance, read up on the contest and enter to see if you've got what it takes to be a Lemon Jockey.
I thought that I'd try making a webcomic, everyone LOVES webcomics. So, I give you the webcomic "En Oh Pee".
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Nudeist Colony Twenty-Five: The Twenty-Fifth Nudeist Colony
First thing's first: the Who Wants to Be a Lemon Jockey contest is still wide open, so keep working on those entries, and maybe you'll wake up a Lemon Jockey on March 14. Good luck. And now a for Nudeist Colony.
Today's Nudeist Colony is dedicated to Japan, home of underage tentacle rape porn. It contains a number of listings. Each entry contains the actual data of an Internet browser who stopped by our illustrious website. As usual I have given date, time, resolved domain, IP address, the page viewed, and the page the reader was referred from. All users are assumed to be English-speaking Americans using Windows and IExplore unless otherwise indicated. My comments follow each entry.
Tue Feb 22 03:40:35 2005
Japanese
Netscape 5
gw20.nakameguro.namco.co.jp
220.110.137.122
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005_01_16_lemonparty_archive.htmlhttp://search.yahoo.co.jp/bin/query?p=jony dep&fr=top%2c top
Jony Dep, not to be confused with Johnny Depp, is apparently quite the celebrity in Japan. What an interesting coincidence, as one would otherwise have thought the former to be a woeful misspelling of the latter.
Tue Feb 22 18:37:13 2005
166.cust9.sa.dsl.ozemail.com.au
210.84.232.166
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_06_27_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.google.com.au/search?hl=en&q=Girls Stripteasing jpg&btnG=Google Search&meta=
Surprisingly enough, there are .jpgs of girls stripteasing here. I know this must have come as quite a shock to some of you, but it is the truth. This is strictly an educational website. We've educated you on a subjects ranging from blogging to time travel to the insidiousness of squirrels. We have not educated you about jpeg files of girls stripteasing because there really isn't much to explain. Essentially what you have is a static image of a girl (I'm really hoping girl in this case means "female over the age of eighteen), removing clothing sensually. There really isn't much else to say on the topic; it's pretty damn straightforward.
Thu Feb 24 19:24:11 2005
Opera 6.05
12-219-91-59.client.mchsi.com
12.219.91.59
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_03_28_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=shitcock %22something awful%22&btnG=Google Search
I cannot imagine why someone would consider "shitcock" to be "something awful." Shitcock is a thing of beauty and purity. It is a symbol of that is right with this world. A cock constructed of shit may seem an unpleasant thing, but in reality it is the very stuff of life. Humanity began at the behest of a cock made of shit. Your very existence, dear reader, is entirely the fault of a shitcock. That fecal phallus has provided you with you all you have in this world. The ejaculate of the shitcock is the life that flows in your veins. So show a little respect for your predecessors next time.
Tue Feb 22 20:24:31 2005
Netscape 5
r67h145.res.gatech.edu
128.61.67.145
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2003_12_21_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&safe=off&c2coff=1&q=lemon party ascii&btnG=Search
This is something of an unusual request. In fact it is, as far as I can tell, the first time anyone's come here looking for ASCII representations of three elderly men engaging in sexual acts. Some thing do slip through my net, but that seems like a memorable one. Incidentally we have never provided ASCII content of any sort, and I sincerely doubt we will ever be displaying any images of elderly men engaged in sexual acts.
Thu Feb 24 19:39:46 2005
MacOS (MacPPC)
customer-148-235-86-254.uninet-ide.com.mx
148.235.86.254
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://www.parseek.com/search/?q=sex%2012-17%20year%20old%20picturs
Some folks like to look at pictures of other folks engaged in sexual acts. I can deal with this. Some people like to look at pictures of children between the ages of twelve and seventeen. That's a little peculiar, but I can deal with it. Some people like to look at pictures of children between the ages of twelve and seventeen engaged in sexual acts. That one's a little tougher for me. I'll grant you that there are some hot eight-year-olds out there, but underage sexpots should be attractive only because they resemble of age sexpots. If your brain doesn't have rot in it you should be able to get off to legal pictures, and thus have no need of the underage crowd. So if you're searching for underage porn, you're either an idiot or seriously damaged in your head.
That's all superfluous though, as this person wasn't searching for pictures depicting twelve- seventeen-year-olds having sex. This person wanted "picturs."
Thu Feb 24 19:47:17 2005
CPE000ea6b233e8-CM014080000131.cpe.net.cable.rogers.com
24.156.136.46
http://64.233.187.104/search?q=cache:ZmahqIYTeh0J:lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005/02/black-jack-colony-21-international.html tentacle %2B se %2B lemon&hl=en
http://www.google.ca/search?hl=en&safe=off&q=tentacle %2B se %2B lemon
That is indeed a search for "tentacle," "se," and "lemon." I really don't have anything else to say.
Thu Feb 24 20:39:02 2005
English (United Kingdom)
ACD8F673.ipt.aol.com
172.216.246.115
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2003_12_28_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=15 year old girl fuck pic&ei=UTF-8&fr=FP-tab-web-t&fl=0&x=wrt
So here we are with the phrase "15 year old girl fuck pic." That's not one of those phrases you ever wish to see or hear. Nonetheless you've all just read it, and I just said it loudly, which means that everyone in this room with my has been subjected to the auditory version. We don't have "fuck pics" of fifteen-year-old girls, and we plan to keep it that way. You all can keep showing up though if you'll stop to read something and pick up a little common sense or maybe even common decency. Perhaps that's too much to hope for.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Who Wants to Be a Lemon Jockey? Who Doesn't Want to Be a Lemon Jockey?
Yes, it's time again for the "Who Wants to Be a Lemon Jockey" contest. We ran a similar event last year, and it added the infrequently posting Octopud to our staff.
If you followed the links you may note that last year's contest was rather loosely organized. That was intentional. Last year I wasn't entirely sure we'd get any responses at all, so I didn't really want to make too big a production of it. The number of responses surprised, and this year I think there may very well be even more. That means that this year we're going to display far superior organizational skills. First step is the entry rules. I've compiled a brief list of the requirements, which is listed below. Essentially what we're looking for is a sense of you as a blogger.
Requirements:
1. A sample of the writing you intend to produce for us. You should write this as though it was your first Lemon Party update, so you should include any personal information you wish your readers to receive upon reading your first post. If you win and the first post you submit is not a revision of your original entry eyebrows will be raised.
2. You should also append a brief blurb containing all the biographical information you wish turtle_07 and me to have.
3. The final requirement is an estimate as to roughly how frequently you intend to post on Lemon Party.
Suggestions (These are not requirements, but these tips will help improve your chances of taking home the prize.):
1. Include a link to your current blog/livejournal/deadjournal/xanga/etc. A perusal of your personal web log will allow us to form a more complete picture of you
2. Do not suck up. We know exactly how great we are, how large our penises are, and how good your mother is in bed. We do not need E-Internet ego stroking of any kind.
3. Make sure the entry is at a qualitative level you can reasonably expect to maintain. We don't care how incredible a first post Adobe Photoshop and a thesaurus can help you produce if it's the only thing you write for us.
The Prize
1. The contest's winner will be granted irrevocable posting rights on Lemonparty.blogspot.com until April 1, 2005. I, as editor-in-chief, will then be able to terminate the winner's posting rights at any time.*
2. I will personally create an animated .gif for the winner that represents his or her new position. This .gif will be made available in sizes appropriate to AIM and Livejournal. The .gif will be posted publicly, so anyone is free to use it, but it will be personalized for the newest Lemon Jockey.
3. Each of the runners-up will receive my personal thanks for taking the time to participate.
The Nuts and Bolts
Entries should be sent to WhoWantsToBeALemonJockey@gmail.com, and they must be received by midnight on Friday, March 11, 2005 to be included in this contest. That gives you ten days to work on your update, which should be more than enough. You know I don't get a chance to spend that much time on one entry.
The winner's first update will be published one week later on March 18, 2005. That update will be preceded by a brief account of the contest penned by Odovaucer. The winner will be informed on Monday, March 14, 2005, and then be given a chance to edit his or her entry for publishing or may submit an entirely new piece. The deadline for the updated first entry is midnight Thursday, March 17, 2005. If an update is not penned by then the contest entry will be posted on Friday.
All entries will be read by both of the principal Lemon Jockeys, turtle_07 and me. The selection of a winner will be the joint decision of these two individuals. Entrants will be judged solely on the information provided by their entry emails.**
Okay, that should be all you need to get rolling. If there's any further information you need you can post a comment or email me at Odovaucer (at) gmail (dot)com.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
*I very much hope I won't have to do this, but I have to leave this loophole in case I make a grievous error in judging this contest.
**Yes, this includes their own blogs if they decide to provide links. No, it does not include anything to which those blogs link (ie friends' blogs).