Lemon Party
Friday, July 30, 2004
What Does that mean for me?
It means that you will be without my increadible wit (lol - Odovaucer, who is "Laughing On Line" at the hilarious irony) for about a week, perhaps longer depending on if I can find anything that I want to update about.
At least Odovaucer will be here, he's funnier than you anyway
Think again Sassy McSassy pants; he's going to the beach with me. it would be homoerotic if it wasn't so platonic. You dig, dog?
You have other writers though?
Technically yes. Although 'technically' speaking, these writers haven't 'technically' updated in about forever ('technically'). Good luck getting your lemon fix, because as of tommorow we'll be on our way to beach.
Why do you always, use so many commas?
Because I like commas and I don't like periods. I'm working on it, ok?
You're both coming back right? I don't think that I could live without my semi-regular fix of your hot hot lemony goodness
That's a link to three old men doing naughty things to each other, you sick fuck.
These question's weren't actually asked by a living human were they?
Techically I'm a living human, but no, they were not asked a reader. You just got served.
Why are you answering your own questions? Why am I even asking questions if I am you?
Dumb answer: Because I hear voices in my head which make me different.
Less dumberer answer: Because sometimes I do things that don't make sense. I also enjoy pasta in a cream sauce.
So long dudes, have a hard rocking week without us... but not too hard rocking or you might stop reading.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Monday, July 26, 2004
DND: it's dy-no-mite
Since Odovaucer seems to love talking about DND and how much it sucks and why I'm stupid, I shall also talk about DND. However, I will be taking a different path, a path so different that if Odovaucer were to be traveling to Faerun I would be going to Eberron. Get it? Good.
See DND is a mystical fantasy world where anything and everything is possible. You could play a mighty elf ranger from a city long forgotten by time and join a party with a dwarf, an asimar, and a gnome. Sound cool yet? Oh, it gets better. You get to beat the shit out of things... alright not in the literal since. But there's a lot of satisfaction in taking out your greatsword and slashing the ever-loving shit out of some snot nosed goblin who just ambushed you. You can also attach (I think he means attack, but as I am not properly conversant in all things D&D I'll leave it as is - Odovaucer) members of your party in case they're pissing you off too. Pissing contests are encouraged out of game as you all make up situations where your character would kick the other characters' asses.
Okay, the last part kinda sucks, but at least you get to make little fantasies about you and that fine elf babe with 20 charisma, and the two of you doing it over and over again... err... I mean you could do that if you wanted to. If you were sick and lonely (which I'm not!) (Right - Odovaucer). Anyways it seems that I've gotten off topic; another cool things that you can do is be Granzedral: Lord of the Dwarves. No really, it's cool to make up crazy as hell fantasy names, or, if you don't want to make up crazy as hell fantasy names, gibberish works well too. Even normal names like 'Chris' will work, but they will make the party hate you for having to call you that. It's a win/win situation really.
Like I've been saying, it's cool to be lord of the dwarves. Sometimes though, people seem to like it a bit too much. Confused by that obviously confusing statement where I left out important information? See there are other roleplaying games, other roleplaying games that may or may not be set in the future, or, as some would like to say: in the now. See when you're in the now, you may want to choose nowesque names. Such as Andrew, Bob, Ralph, Jeff, Jason... or if you're feeling sassy go for some crazy oriental name if you want to play some crazy oriental like Mai Ling or something, who the hell knows? The point is that you're in the present time, a time where names like Odovaucer Ostrogoth Barbarian conqueror or Rome don't exist. At least they shouldn't unless your parents are filthy unwashed hippies.
So please, go ahead and enjoy the fantastical world of roleplaying, but let's do it under two circumstances:
1) Realize how stupid you sound when you're roleplaying, no really, realize it.
2) Don't choose fantasy name for roleplaying games set in the modern day. I mean really folks, you don't have to be Eltertron: mighty warforged worrier. You can just be Kara: grad-student extraordinaire. (Wow, that word was badly misspelled - Odovaucer)[turtle note: Nuh uh, I totally checked out the spelling in THE DICTIONARY you dirty liar]
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you had about DND, because I didn't address any, and if it did then I am some sort of misconception clearing genius. BEHOLD!
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
I get the feeling that update is probably hard to read, this is what happens when you play DND, but it's cool. I rolled a natural 20 and slayed the goblin. Dragons are nigh impossible to slay in one hit, and they are pretty hard to kill so you don't face them often, not like the name implies.
PS: If you play DND you can use cool words like nigh. (You can also use such words if you can spell them and can manage to use them without looking like a fool. Needless to say, this includes a vanishingly small portion of the population. Some would say that it is nigh impossible to find someone who could properly use such words. - Odovaucer, teaching through negative example)
PPS: Fixing spelling and grammar in this update made me very sad for some reason. - Odovaucer
Thursday, July 22, 2004
Part the Second, In Which He Demonstrates Something Controversial
Controversy. Today's piece is intended to creat contreversy. I had expected my prior update to be simple enough to stand on its own. Apparently there are people who jump to suprisingly complex conclusions considering how little they have to work with in terms of data, and perhaps in terms of synaptical connections.
So basically the forums response was OMG OMG DERF DERF YOU SAID D&D WAS NO FUUN!!?!??!?!???!?!? I HBVAE SOOO MCUH FUN WITH MY FAT SMELLY VIRGINAL FRIENDS PLAYIN D&D!!!!!1
Okay turtle_07 is a good deal more literate than that, but I made the language match the ideas behind it. Tuesday's update said nothing as to the level of fun involed in Dungeons and Dragons and other Tabletop Role Playing Games. That's for today. That's right, I am going to tell you that you aren't actually enjoying D&D despite your apparent perception to the contrary.
This seems an impossible proposition, but you'll find it stops looking all that farfetched when I start redefining my intentions. I cannot hold that people cannot be happy while playing Tabletop RPGs. It should be pretty clear that someone enjoys it or Wizards of the Coast wouldn't be selling it. However, there is something else to consider. What if everyone playing D&D wasn't enjoying D&D itself but instead something that just happens to be happening simultaneously? Again, this sounds like an unlikely coincidence, but hopefully you will accept it as a postulate.
Now we begin the examination of that postulate. D&D is typically played by a group of friends or at least individuals who have developed a certain of camaraderie. Just being RPG dorks should be enough to bring some sort mutual understanding, no? Typically it is more than that; typically TRPGs are played by by folks who would consider each other friends.
Furthermore, D&D usually does not exist in a vacuum. It's not always the stereotypical cheetos, but if a group of friends are spending a sizable period of time together in the privacy of one's home, you can probably bet there's a-gonna be noshies, and, judging by the physical appearance of said friends, said noshies are rather high in fat and carbohydrates. One I'm implying, incidentally, is that D&D players are porkers. Of course nto all are, but that doesn't change the fact that D&D is intimately associated with junk food for a very good reason. It gets eaten while D&D is played.
Now it is time to present the third and final piece of evidence. Like the previous two entries (friendship and snack food if you forgot) it does seem in any sense an idictment of D&D, but I'm afraid you must wait for the pieces to come together if you haven't figured out where things are heading. This piece of evidence also an expansion on the assumption that D&D is generally played by a group of friends in the privacy of one's home. Chew on this: a home you know well is typically a very comfortable environment. Typically being in the presence of only your friends will be physically and psychologically relaxing. This relaxation is often associated with a relaxation of social mores. Playing Dungeons and Dragons involves giving up (to a certain degree) your own identity and replacing it (temporarily) with that of a character of your design.
So D&D consists of a group of friends eating, relaxing, and a third action. That third action could be called D&D, but let's use a more general term instead. Let's call it make-believe. "Make-believe" is usually associated with far those far younger than the typical D&D players, but think about the concepts for a moment. Make-believe
is pretending you're something you're not for the purpose of play. Dungeons and Dragons is pretending that you're something you're not for the purpose of play. Now D&D is more complicated. If you're a D&D fan you would probably use the term sophisticated instead. Now you'd be right, but only in certain senses of the word.
According to Merriam Webster sophistication's primary definition is "the use of sophistry : sophistic reasoning." Sophistry is defined as "subtly deceptive reasoning." How appropriate. We'll get back to this though. The meaning D&D's supporters are hoping for is found in definition three (the process or result of becoming cultured, knowledgeable, or disillusioned; especially : CULTIVATION, URBANITY) and four (the process or result of becoming more complex, developed, or subtle ). Notice the positive sense of sophistication these definitions grant. Now we unveil definition number two, the definition that best fits D&D: "the process of making impure or weak : ADULTERATION."
D&D takes the pure form of make-believe and adds dice and structure. Now why is this adulteration rather than improvement? Well let's examine what makes make-believe fun. Make-believe let's set this world aside in favor of a fantasy world of your own creation. Now Dungeons and Dragons makes it much harder for you to set aside this world because constantly tell those around what you want your charcter to do. You have to roll dice and listen to descriptions. That makes it much more difficult to actually get into it. Furthermore D&D is not a world of your creation. It is emphatically a world someone else's creation. Even if your make-believe is pretending to be Ninja Turtles or Power Rangers or something like that you still get to form your own interpretation. D&D is emphatically someone else's creation. It's the creation, primarily, of the game's designers and also of the gamemaster. You are essentially a spectator. And you're a spectator in a much worse story than what you'll find at the average movie theatre or quite possibly on TV.
That's where the primary definition of sophistication fits back in. Not only is D&D deceptively referred to as a "game" but it also does not have anywhere near the connection to make-believe I implied and you probably took for granted. Indeed it bears more similarity to going to the movies than to make-believe.
Think back to whenever you last played D&D. Think of the storyline objectively. Now do you really wonder why the Dungeons and Dragons movie was so bad? It was bad because a D&D game makes for a bad movie. You can still have fun at bad movies though. Much of that fun comes from being with friends. You're with friends when you play D&D. See the similarity?
Everythnig I've said today should build to a rather strong case. However it has been lengthy and convoluted so I shall distill the salient points.
1) D&D is not actually fun.
2) It is perceived as fun because it is typically played in situations which are already fun. It involves friends, food, and privacy. Those three things are typically enough to create an enjoyable experience.
3) D&D adds less to that situation than any other activity that could be considered fun. It is similar to a game in that it has a firm set of rules and regulations, but it lacks any incentive to work within those rules because there is no competition. It is similar to "make-believe" but replaces the carefree self-determination and replaces it with someone else's bad story and rules. It is similar to a movie in that you are a spectator to someone else's story, but there are none of the benefits of a movie or television show.* There are no special effects, there are no attractive actors, and there are no witty writers. It is strictly inferior to all three of these broad styles of entertainment.
4) Considering the friends, food, and privacy D&D is worse than nothing. With just those three things you can have a fine time. You can certainly amuse yourselves with scrumtulescent delicacies and the company of good friends. I'm sure you've gone out to dinner with friends. You enjoyed it, right? I'm sure you've ordered pizza or something along those lines with friends, right? I feel safe in assuming that you enjoyed it.
Now let's add D&D to that mix. Suddenly you have to use pencil and paper and dice. I find it unlikely that you enjoy writing down numbers and rolling dice. You no longer have freedom of subject. You are brought to bear on this mediocre tale of sword and sorcery. You are forced to do work without getting any control of the story. That's the negative element of a game combined with the negative element of a movie. Without the positives of either.
There you have it: a thorough explanation of just why Dungeons and Dragons is not fun. Suck on that dorks.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
*We went over this before. Because the gamemaster has godlike powers over the game you have no free will. The game will proceed as the gamemaster wishes. You can only delay the inevitable and make superficial changes.
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
Plato Beat Me to Poetry by Several Thousand Years So I'm Doing the Best I Can
If you've got a problem with that invent a time machine (which can, incidentally, be shown to be impossible without the least bit of scientific knowledge) and whoop his ass. Why, you might even be able to come back. I won't be hoping for it though as you're probably a moron.
Today's title is not particularly title-ishitcatudinal, but such is life. As the title suggests, Plato really did write a critique of poetry, and as bitter a historiographical argument as you could possibly imagine has sprung up around it.
The critique is the final chapter of Plato's The Republic in most every published version, but some historians are unsure as whether the critique of poetry was actually intended as part of The Republic. It seems a departure from the rest of the piece. Why would you critique poetry as part of the explanation of a uptopian society? Well turns out that it makes perfect sense and is quite ingenious. This doesn't have anything to do with today's update though. So I'm not going to write any more on the subject. If you're really curious, well a comment to that effect would probably be enough to get an elaboration.
Pointless Aside: Did you know that turtle_07 has used Merriam Webster Online to search for a definition of the word "crutchfield?" Unsurprisingly, there is no such word. Why turtle_07 searched for it is beyond me. As to how I came upon this fact, well some things are best left unknown to allow for more efficient blackmail.
Now that I have segued into the meat of the piece it's time to reveal just what I'm critiquing: Dungeons and Dragons. Now I know what you must be thinking; you're wondering why anyone has to tell you that D&D is a game for unwashed virginal nerds. Well no one needs to tell you any of that because everyone knows that D&D is for unwashed virgins and because the other parts aren't true.
That's right I am telling you that Dungeons and Dragons is not a game and is not for nerds. If you were turtle_07 you might say something like "Oh that Odovaucer, he sooo cwazy!!!!!1" As you are not turtle_07 (unless you are turtle_07) you won't be saying that. You may be confused though, but don't worry. I am here to explain. According to Wizards of the Coast website
Dungeons and Dragons is the original tabletop fantasy roleplaying game. Together with your friends, you lead daring heroes through the treacherous dungeons of your imagination. Fabulous treasure and fiendish creatures await you.
In truth I'm not just talking about Dungeons and Dragons; what I have to say applies to innumerable "tabletop roleplaying games."
So why am I contradicting the makers of this fine product? The explanation is a bit round-about. It starts with the "Ungame." Click the link and read a little bit about this delightfully politically correct pseudo-game. Would you call this a game? I certainly wouldn't. First off all it's just no fun. The second problem is that there is no competition. The salient line from the both pages is "EVERYBODY WINS.." The Ungame is non-competitive. Let's take a look at some dictionaries for just a moment. Here we have definitions from Merriam-Webster and Dictionary.com. Note that both primary definitions are basically "a game is anything you do for entertainment." This means that the Ungame is not a game because it is emphatically no fun at all. However the competition factor works its way into secondary and tertiary definitions. You might ask why anyone should care about the secondary and tertiary definitions. Well I'll tell you. Think about the primary definition for just a moment. That definition includes things that we really don't consider "games" in the typical sense of the word. Does biting your fingernails strike you as a game? Well it is if you did it for enjoyment. And if you enjoy cutting yourself, well then that's a game too.*
This is pure sillyness. When you think game you think Scrabble or Risk or Poker or Chess or even Magic: the Gathering. These are competitive. This competition is as much a part of games as teams are a part of sports. (That's why golf isn't a sport if you were curious.) Remember how this was about Role Playing Games? This is were they return to our attention. Nowhere in these Tabletop Role Playing Games does competition appear. For those who have not had the dubious pleasure to encounter D&D I shall lay out some of the basics to make my point clear.
The "game" is played by a group of players who create characters with race, class, background, etc. fitting the fantasy, sci-fi, or whatever genre. A single gamemaster controls a given game. To call this person a God is perfectly accurate. If the gamemaster decides that your character was struck fatally by lightning then your character is dead. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. The gamemaster sets forth an adventure for the players to navigate. The gamemaster's job is to create an adventure that exists right at the limit of the players' intelligences and their characters' power levels. The gamemaster can easily compensate as the game progresses for any unsuitable plans. If the players get stuck he gives hints until they figure it out.
Nowhere is there any competition whatsoever. Some people take specific pleasure in making their characters more powerful than those of their teammates, but these are their teammates. You can't compete against your teammates. That's not gamesmanship at all, and this is all prior to the actual D&D gaming experience. In short there is no competition as everyone is on the same side. You might argue that the gamemaster is aligned in opposition to the players, but this is ludicrous and false. If the gamemaster is aligned against the gamers they will lose. The gamemaster has ultimate power, and cannot be in any way competitive. It's not a competition if there is only one possible outcome. The gamemaster's job is to make sure the players enjoy themselves.
So I have proven that D&D is not a game, but what about my assertion that nerds do not play D&D? This is simpler. D&D is not a game. No self-respecting nerd would play a game that is not a game. A nerd revels in his superior knowledge. No nerd would do something so self-contradictory because a nerd is far too smart not to see the internal contradictions. A nerd has equally pathetic practices and can certainly be an unwashed virgin but will not play D&D. No nerd uses an Etch-a-Sketch and calls it a computer for the same reason no nerd plays a Tabletop Role Playing Game. Because it is not a computer and it is not a game.
So you D&D players can rejoice; you can no longer be considered nerds albeit because you're not smart enough to be nerds. RATHER OBVIOUS FROM THE UPDATE AS A WHOLE BUT APPARENTLY STILL NEEDS TO BE SPELLED OUT: This piece argues that D&D should not be classified a game because it does not contain competition. This does not necessarily mean that D&D is not fun or that D&D does not meet other definitions of game.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
*Yes, that was five hundred communities and five hundred individual users. Each one actually wrote on the internet that he/she/it was interested in "cutting." Merely typing "I weep for humanity" does not come close to expressing how saddening I find this. Not to mention how saddened I am that most of them will probably not successful kill themselves.
Monday, July 19, 2004
'Fore they catcha chain smokin'
Now that is disgusting! Disgusting and highly improbable.
Now before you go and ask us what exactly is both disgusting and highly improbable, please just be quiet and let us adults talk, ok? I'm just kidding, no one is an adult here. Or if they are they won't admit it, I've always suspected Odovaucer was 37 but I'm sure that was just a dream. A very realistic dream, but a dream nonetheless. In case you're curious, yes, nonetheless is a word. (I had no idea - an unimpressed Odovaucer) It's a great word in that it's three smaller words that have banded together into one monumental word of greatness.
Now that I've gotten a chance to use the word nonetheless you might be just a teensy bit curious to know exactly what is disgusting and highly improbable. To be honest it's actually just a line in a book, in fact, I've used other lines from that book in previous updates; they just made more sense then. I figured I would just go all out and be crazy and weird and crazy because that's what makes me me! Right? WRONG!
Welcome gentlemen to the meat of the update, yes this is a commandment of sorts, no there is no actual commandment, and no there will be no link. I'm sure you’ve all seen lots of blog's suffering from 14 year old girl individuality syndrome. Not to say that individuality is a bad thing but my god is it fucking annoying. Not individuality that is, just individua... fuck you. It's similar to "Hot Topic syndrome." I'm sure that we've all known people who act like this or who have in the past. Hell you might have yourself!
This is, of course, referring to individuality syndrome. It's when someone thinks that they're different and special because they spew out random words like 'monkey' and 'pakahooie!' Pakahooie isn't a real word. Please don't spend time looking it up; it's just an example. Yes, you can look the word example up.
Let me go off on a tangent to explain what I mean, which actually doesn't make this much of a tangent at all, but I refuse to press the delete key enough to delete the word tangent and change this entire sentence. Let me just say it outright: very few people are actually funny. Very few people have the ability to make people laugh (at least with their own wit). This is where the individuality syndrome kicks in. You think that you're funny and different because you're random. A conversation on Internet may go a little something like this.
A: Sup dood?
B: Not much?
A: Did you catch the ball game?
B: No, was it good?
A: THERE WERE MONKEYS PLAYING!
B: What?
A: MONKEYS! And they were throwing donkeys at the shortstop and everyone was dancing the fandango!
B: LOL monkeys
A: I am ever so random and unique
Does that seem familiar? Maybe I'm insane, and all the people whose blogs I read or who talk to me on AIM are just illusions of my own imagination (another thing that they love to claim "lollers I see voices in my brain. me so crazy!") but I see stuff like that pretty damn often. More often than not they manifest themselves as inside jokes that you have to share to the world every five seconds because it's just soooooooooo (multiple o's for posterity) funny. It's not. Stop. (lol Hammertime! - Odovaucer)You are not funny by doing that; you are not an individual by doing it. All that and it's really, really stupid.
But don't just take my word for it, I talked to some people, and they totally agreed with me. Seriously. Not only that, but they also promised to hunt you down and beat you with sticks if you don't stop.
On a lighter note this update was probably disjointed as hell, but I haven't been updating very often, and Odovaucer sure as hell isn't going to become the new me while I become the old him. (I'm afraid I'm much too pretty to be a turtle_07 - Odovaucer, preening) I will update, I will succeed. I WILL SUCCEED! Of course, neither of us would have to update this often if the other people who we got to post (LEMON JOCKEYS! Come on and type it out, it'll make you feel better - Odovaucer) actually posted. So of course we need new writers; it's hard to be constantly funny (at least I hope that we're funny) and informative, so please, email us about becoming writers. We're not picky, really! We just can't do it without you. Well, we can, it's just annoying. Let's get some diversity going; grace Lemon Party and its [CENSORED] readers with your unique brand humor today!
uniquename@gmail is your ticket out of your shitty existence! Sign up today!
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Thursday, July 15, 2004
Your Three Favorite Types of Lies
Editor's Note: This week's articles have been delayed due to unexpected downtime on the part of Blogger. You'll be getting a reasonable number of updates with reasonable post dates; they just won't necessarily be ready on those post dates. Just a little patience and everything will be fine.
Well I think yesterday was enough of that starry-eyed dreaming. Which is a good thing as today I have something of import to impart. Remember the last time you received a commandment from up on high? Well it certainly was a while ago. We've slowed as there are a finite number of broad rules to blogging. We've stretched them to a certain extent, I mean we could've just said, "Don't be a fucking moron, cockface," and that would have pretty much covered it. Still, we wanted to drag it out to make sure you got all the nuances of that rather broad instruction.
That's a backstory of sorts for what I have today is new commandment. This new commandment is something that should not have escaped our notice for so long, but alas I am only now inveighing against its proliferation. It is not a new phenomenon, but it stayed under the radar until I was referred to this post. Now, what happened it that post shows us two major holes in our current suite of commandments, but that doesn't mean I'm going to break our unwritten rule on commandments per update. Actually it's not so much an unwritten rule as an unspoken rule. It's really an entirely undiscussed rule. Actually it's not a rule at all; it's just something that ended up happening.
Enough of this rather silly distraction, we need to get back to the matter at hand wearing her high-heel shoes and her low-neck sweater. That livejournal update contained the these words: "98% of teenagers do or have tried pot. If you're one of the 2% that hasn't, put this in your journal." If you haven't yet, take the time to read the comments on the post; don't worry, we'll wait for you. The poster who referred to himself as "Trazzy" should have laid out a very clear explanation of just why the statistic was almost certainly a pack of lies. A pair of anonymous posters followed that up by rubbing the blogger's nose in his bullshit. They seem to have done an admirable job of this, and I don't feel obliged to add my own invective to the firestorm. So the question is "why did he think he could get away with such any obviously bullshit statement?" One answer is that he was expecting all his little friends to softball him. After all, who let their friends know when they're making fools of themselves? Or maybe he just didn't bother to think about he was reguritating onto his keyboard. That's certainly a common behavior in the blogging game. I think the most important and most accurate answer is that he did it because someone else did first. Peer pressure, even unintentional peer pressure, is very powerful. If your friends post something and tell you to follow suit, what are you really going to do? Well, I want to make sure it's clear that somebody else's witticism, statistic, or graphic has no place in your blog. If you're so impressed link to it, don't use it instead of your content. Chances are anything you do has been done better by someone else, but don't worry. Better to do something mediocre that parrot someone else's work. Fastening the shackles yourself doesn't make you any less a slave.
That's all for tonight, kids. Come back tomorrow and see which Lemon Jockey gives you your final dose of Lemony Justice for the week.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
Wanna Be an LJ?
Editor's Note: This week's articles have been delayed due to unexpected downtime on the part of Blogger. You'll be getting a reasonable number of updates with reasonable post dates; they just won't necessarily be ready on those post dates. Just a little patience and everything will be fine.
So you're back from the weekend for another taste of Lemony goodness, eh? Can't say I'm surprised. It's not like you have anything better to do after all. Last week was a departure from the week before, but that week was a departure from its predecessor. Don't interpret this as a pattern of any sort though. I can make no guarantees as to the Lemon Party posting schedule until the ranks have swelled.
I will, however, let you in on one possibility. I would hope to have four reasonably dedicated posters. Each of these writers would be assigned a day and have an update ready for that day every week. Our more astute readers will recognize that leaves a fifth day (excluding weekends). That fifth day, most likely Wednesday, would be a special feature day. Each week one of the less consistent writers would be given a slot. One week you might catch a dose of CarverBuns' "nudeist" posting, the next it might be the second coming of Lemon Party intern diofjawiod. As to the regulars, well you could expect turtle_07 and me, certainly. We're not going anywhere, but we'd need new writers for the other two slots. Penguininja isn't going to be coming up with a weekly column; actually I don't think he's up to writing at all. I think he's dead. But that's probably just wishful thinking. I'm sure he's just decided not to grace us with his wit and wisdom, or at least what he uses in their stead.
So that setup is a distant future if it truly is a future. For now we're only looking for one more to pick up some of the work. I have received responses, but no one has so impressed as to guarantee the job. In other words, the field is still wide open. Which reminds me of this here site. Take a look. See what you think of his posting style and his poetry. Check out his musical preferences. In case you haven't yet discovered this is what is known as a "satirist." In other words what I'm saying is that he isn't taking himself seriously and is parodying the very people we're trying to stamp out with education over here. If you take a look at the comments on his entries you'll see that quite a few have been taken in by his elaborate antics. How anyone can take him seriously after reading one of the poems about Gollum cutting his arms is beyond me, but that is neither here not there. I'm bringing him up because he certainly seems a very Lemony fellow. A very Lemony fellow is just what we're looking fro in our posters. You'll notice that he hasn't written anything over there in a while, but I'm letting you know now that there is a very decent chance that deadsoul666hate will be a Lemon Party poster in the not too distant future.
Don't worry though, if he shows up it will in addition to upcoming selection from the reader pool. Speaking of that promotion, I've officially christened it the "Wanna Be an LJ?" contest because I feel like piggy-backing someone else's gimmick and because I want to start calling myself a Lemon Jockey. Before we conclude there will be a SPECIAL PROMOTIONAL ICON just for this search for another LJ. So don't be shy folks, send an email to Odovaucer@gmail.com and show me why you should be the newest LJ!
This is Odovaucer, Lemon Jockey hoping for more responses and pressing the post button.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
Hey Bungalow Bill!
Editor's Note: This week's articles have been delayed due to uexpected downtime on the part of Blogger. You'll be getting a reasonable number of updates with reasonable post dates; they just won't necessarily be ready on those post dates. Just a little patience and everything will be fine.
Here we go again. I've always wanted to start an update that way, saying that implies that we are in fact doing something for the second time, and that implies that we're doing it again because it was mildly successful, at least in my eyes. Of course that raises the question of what exactly defines success? Money? Power? Cars? Women? (The answer is simple: hosues - Odovaucer) Well those may show success in real life, but on Internet it's completely different. At least I want it to be, so it is. Anyway, before you throw a hissy fit the secret to measuring E-neticon prosperity is readership. Of course because you're never sure if the readers may be looking for gay porn or something (Hoo-Ha!), and not for your witty and insightful posts. You have to base it off the comments you get. In our case, none.
I've been called a lot of things in my endless quest for comments, the most notable of which was a loser. Correction: I was called a heartless bastard. Not in those exact words, but Odovaucer and I were cursed at for being heartless bastards, which really wasn't my fault since it was all Odovaucer's fault. No really, it was. Ok fine, it was partially my fault. Anyways, you all may remember a little bit of drama from a while back, involving a girl, a girl, to whom we said mean things. Involving, but not limited to, telling her that her teacher was stupid, not in those exact words but you get the point. Hordes of her angry friends descended upon Lemon Party in outrage. How dare we?! HOW DARE WE!?!? I'm not sure how we dared but we (at least I) learned something that day/night/afternoon. If you want comments you gotta go after people.
While perhaps my razor sharp wit is not as sharp as Odovaucer's, I can still bust a few proverbial heads. Before my Lemon Party lessons used faceless individuals to tell you how not to blog.* Sure it may have hurt their feelings had they known, but they didn't know and it was for a great good. Good, right? No! Not good! If you want the monies you have to fry the big fish. Enter this young man. Not only is he a friend of my brother, but I also posted on his livejournal already, pretending to help him, gaining his trust until the moment (now) that I strike at his heart and make him cry.
Naj, as you call yourself, you are a buffoon of the highest level. There I said it, you are a buffoon. In fact... in fact... your intelligence is only surpassed by your odor (notice how I trapped him a vicious web of non-lies (Truths, perhaps? - Odovaucer)? If he's smart he smells a lot, and if is hygienic than he is very stupid! I am a genius of the highest caliber)! I would continue with my not-so-verbal verbal beating but you get the point. Naj is probably in tears right now, and women love me.
But wait! There's so much more! Actually there isn't, go home. Wait... no... don't go home. Unleash your hatred on our comment box, I dare you. I HAVE INSULTED ONE OF YOUR OWN, YOU UNWASHED MONGLOIDS, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?!? AND NO, ROLL AROUND IN YOUR OWN FILTH IS NOT AN ANSWER.
Homedogs, this is t to the urtle of the _07 variety signing out.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
*turtle_07 is going to be receiving a lesson in split infintives as it seems he needs my behind-the-scenes help with such things - Odovaucer
Thursday, July 08, 2004
oompa loompa
I'm back from the beach, or I have been for some time. In that time however, I was not able to think of what to write about. If you've never written you should know that inspiration can be hard to come by. At one point in my Lemon Party career I tried to update every single day, and because of that my updates became shorter and shittier. Sometimes I'll update often and sometimes not at all, I can't be funny all the time and I certainly can't be all the time funny. See, it's funny because it's reversed to not make sense, this is how my humor operates. Are you laughing yet? Good. Let's talk about the beach!
My dear good friend Odovaucer returned from Europe with a smile and a story, his smile was a smile of hatred, and his story... his story was a story about how Germans are homosexuals. My story doesn't involve Germans at all, in fact, I'm not really sure that it's a story... more of an anecdote. Well, it's like an anecdote, only not funny. Get it? Yea, so... anywho. While I was at the beach I discovered one thing: Germans are homosexu... wait. No.
What I learned was this:
Always store your money in your socks.
You see what I just did? I'm using intentional spacing to further my point and increase readability. Confused, allow me to demonstrate
(INTENTIONAL SPACE LEFT HERE INTENTIONALLY)
See that space that would be a space if it weren't for the words: "INTENTIONAL SPACE LEFT HERE INTENTIONALLY." It's to allow readers to pause, slow down, and see that there's a small break in the ideas.
Anywho, enough about that. See, I just got you again! I switched ideas or diverged from the idea slightly to make things easier on you, the readers. I've already done a commandment about this (I think), or maybe I haven't. The point is that I'm just trying to show you how nice you have it. Imagine that instead of the light humorous drivel that you read here was replaced by dark, poorly written, unhumorous drivel of some idiotic depressed psychopath. I'd say that I have the lunatics edged out, but just by a little.
Somehow I have gone away from talking about my boring beach vacation and somehow made my way to talking about intentional space, how odd. These are the sorts of crazy things that can happen when you're crazy.
Until next time home dogs, peace ya'll.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
If a Child Were to Let Go of a Balloon on Independence Day Would Said Child Fly Away?
As you may know not long ago was the fourth of July. In America the fourth day of the month of July has a pseudo-religious significance. Because of that pseudo-religious festival no one wrote anything on Saturday, Sunday or Monday. That may seem strange to you, especially as we never do anything over the weekend and hardly ever on Mondays. Well congratulations. THis time we had an excuse. A new excuse rather. We don't update over the weekend to give you a chance to digest the latest in gospel truth, and we usually only update four times a week and it just happens that Monday often ends up with the short end. Monday's loss.
Moving on. Another look at the referrer logs has once again saddened me.
pcp430032pcs.pinhil01.ga.comcast.net
68.47.76.63 5/5
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2003_12_07_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.msn.com/results.aspx?srch=105&FORM=AS5&q=nudeist
A search for "nudeist." A Georgian searching for nudeist. The problem here is that
a) The appropriate spelling would be "nudist" and
b) We aren't serious in our racism, which means we shouldn't be all that attractive to Deep South readers.
As you might have guessed this search fell upon a post by "CarverBuns, the nudeist [sic] poster." As you may have gathered by now that would be where most of of our apparent misspellings show up. But it's alright because what he's doing is art. And as art it cannot be held to the same Strunk and White code writing. Or so I've rationalized. I think it's a crock of shit, but anything to take the pressure down notch, eh?
It's been awhile since I've said anything about blogs so I'll get into some of that now. These folks consider themselves "Unusual People." The community is, unsurprisingly, pedestrian and uninspired. We have a choice selection of hip perversions and "humor posts." Allow me to quote a selection from one of the latter.
"Remember when you said you "lost" your virginity...well, i actually kidnapped it and forgot the ransom note....you wouldnt believe how long i had to rummage through your stuff before i finally found it.
we are getting along fine....i took it to the zoo..GEEZUS that fucking thing likes icecream.
the Stockholm Syndrome has kicked in with full effect. i seriously doubt you will ever see it again."
Now if we take a look at this piece we find, of course, spelling and punctuation errors galore. But let's try looking past young...err...pencil_pimp's obvious cognitive shortcomings and concentrate on what passes for humor in his tiny little padded cell of a mind. He takes a common idiom for one's first experience of sexual intercourse.(Losing one's virginity) and anthropomorphizes. Virginity becomes not a concept but a real organism, a presumably a desirable one. The taking of an innocuous expression and reducing it to absurdity is certainly a possible source of humor, so why does this writer fail so miserably? Because he's a moron. And because he picks an obvious subject. But mostly because he's a moron. Take this lesson to heart, morons.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Friday, July 02, 2004
Whoa, Hold Up Dog!
Let's look at some recent hits on the referrer log, shall we?
63-226-208-35.tukw.qwest.net
63.226.208.35
http://search.msn.com/results.aspx?FORM=SMCRT&q=party%20girl%20porn%20site
So, he was look ing for "party girl porn site" and instead found us. How marvelous for us. Obviously a serious reader. Still, he managed to work his way through five pages of archives. And then he gave up only to return to us through this referrer two seconds later:
63-226-208-35.tukw.qwest.net
63.226.208.35
http://search.msn.com/results.aspx?FORM=SMCRT&q=party%20girl%20porn%20site
Some of our more perceptive readers may realize that this the same page as before. That's right, this guy looked through five pages of our archive, searching in vain for a "party girl porn site." And when he finally gives up, what does he do? He tries the the exact same site for again! It's stupidity like this that helps me understand my audience. You see you aren't much smarter than that poor fellow. In fact you're probably not as smart as this one:
144.139.177.76
http://search.msn.com/results.aspx?srch=105&FORM=AS5&q=milf cunt fuckers
Milf cunt fuckers, eh? Well that is an important detail; you wouldn't to accidentally come across images of "ripened" women being fucked in any other orifice, would you? And it's not like the cunt is the default place for penile insertion into MILFs or anything? Wow. But it continues.
EATcf-116p34.ppp15.odn.ne.jp
218.218.203.34
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=bable gay party&ei=UTF-8&fr=fp-tab-web-t&cop=mss&tab=
Yes, that's a Japanese person using Windows NT and Microsoft Internet Explorer 6 to search the internet for "bable gay party." BABLE GAY PARTY. I don't think there's anything to say about this poor stupid nip that he hsan't done well enough himself. Christ. Jesus Fucking Christ. But because I am a professional I took a look at his search results. NOTE: I AM PROFESSIONAL INTERNET USER. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. The results were amusing to say the least. I don't know what our poor, stupid, likely perverted friend was looking for, but I don't think he found it. The seach failed to manage a single porn site in the top ten results. Most of the hits were truly stupendous articles about the Democratic Party's evil alliance with gay psycho-bable. With supporters like that it seems obvious that this year's election will end up in favor Bush. Remember, as we've shown before, the vast majority of you are to stupid to understand the issues involved in tying shoelaces, let alone deciding on a president. As to how we showed up on the search results for a misspelled plea for, most likely, homoerotic pornography, well the answer is not as damning as you jackals might hope. It's from a chat log between CarverBuns and some random glue sniffer. See, not the editor's fault, not the author's fault. Perfectly explicable.
But enough of this sorrowful discussion of referrer logs. I think it's time for more "man on the street" opinions on hosues.
I R Teh AWSUM111: Everybody seems to be a fan.
d34thk1tt3n: i know i am
mike5904: Hosues have a generally positive impact on society.
SmarterChild: Uh, sure.
Kiy0tKitty: Well, since it looks like houses just mispelled... it really bothers me.
dscrafts85: my oppinion costs $$
magicstickgrl: who r y freak
I R Teh AWSUM111: Then I take it you have no opinion, are incapable of coherent thought, or are currently not at your computer.
I R Teh AWSUM111: Judging from what little I know of you my leaning is towards the second possibility.
XguitarheadX: you guessed right
Kiy0tKitty: Just like your face.
blaizeosuave: well slap me on the knee
XguitarheadX: how's this: no
aimster326: go away
XguitarheadX: im not attracted to people
Kiy0tKitty: I don't know whether to say "ew" or ignore you.
SockTB: come visit me.
One conversation got a little of course this time around:
I R Teh AWSUM111: I'm wearing pants
SmarterChild: Why are you wearing pants?
I R Teh AWSUM111: I'm taking them off now.
SmarterChild: I wish I were taking them off.
I R Teh AWSUM111: My pants are off now.
SmarterChild: Your pants are off? And your point is...
I R Teh AWSUM111: My penis is erect and visible.
SmarterChild: Your penis is erect and visible? Oh really?
I R Teh AWSUM111: I am now mounting you and inserting my penis into your anus.
SmarterChild: Oh yeah?
I R Teh AWSUM111: I am now thrusting.
SmarterChild: Now thrusting? Do you feel good about that?
I R Teh AWSUM111: Yes. Yes I do.
SmarterChild: Really?
I R Teh AWSUM111: Do you?
SmarterChild: Do I what?
I R Teh AWSUM111: Feel good about that?SmarterChild: Do I feel good about that... I don't know, should I?
I R Teh AWSUM111: Probably not.
SmarterChild: Probably Not? That's interesting.
>>> Type "shortcuts" and I'll show you how to get info even faster.
Unfortunately not everything is fun and games. One reader showed me this chat log:
sXyGrLpRiNceSs69: Hey!
sXyGrLpRiNceSs69: What do you think of hosues?
JWilner8: who are you
sXyGrLpRiNceSs69: But what do you think of hosues?
sXyGrLpRiNceSs69: Come on man
JWilner8: you mean houses?
sXyGrLpRiNceSs69: No.
sXyGrLpRiNceSs69: I mean hosues.
sXyGrLpRiNceSs69: Jesus Christ
JWilner8: what are you talking about
sXyGrLpRiNceSs69: HOSUES!
sXyGrLpRiNceSs69: Are you slow?
JWilner8: what the fuck is a hosue
sXyGrLpRiNceSs69: You're kidding
sXyGrLpRiNceSs69: You actually don't know what a hosue is?
JWilner8: no
sXyGrLpRiNceSs69: Are you a canadian or something?
JWilner8: who are you
sXyGrLpRiNceSs69: Why don't you know what a hosue is?
sXyGrLpRiNceSs69: Why are you unaware of the most important cultural phenomenon since sliced bread?
JWilner8: because i'm ignorant
sXyGrLpRiNceSs69: extraordinarily ignorant.
*** "JWilner8" signed off at Fri Jul 02 17:36:13 2004.
It would seem that not everyone is ready for that which is the hosue. Perhaps this poor fellow will come around at some point. We can only hope. And that pretty much does it for this week. Now you have the whole weekend to go over this week's updates with a dictionary. Or if you're techno-savvy you could use this instead.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Thursday, July 01, 2004
Is the Juice Really Worth the Squeeze?
And the opinions on hosues keep pouring in:
Captain Naked 04: who the fuck is this?
iamscottredding: as for thoses hosues, i think wittgenstein said it best
burnout3pogirl: Your IM has been sent to my mobile device. When I receive it, I will be able to reply. Thanks for your IM! Want your IMs forwarded to your phone? Click here
t YRONNL10: who are u
jack me yerh off: it's sad that the only people you can really relate to are people in a videogame
cowzertraz: today could last another million years
charnassm: what are hosues
iamscottredding: "That which we cannot think about we must pass over in silence."
t YRONNL10: no
iamscottredding: shit, misquote
burnout3pogirl: ew kiss my ass
*** "charnassm" signed off at Thu Jul 01 23:22:08 2004.
And back on DirectConnect I recieved more thoughts:
Dastote: http://us.vclart.net/vcl/Artists/Amy-Steele/Adult/tamxenderfull.jpg
Dastote: fertilize your lawn at least twice a year
Dastote: it's called anal
[SA]Boxly: No
[SA]Boxly: It's called i'm a fucking FURRY FAGGOT.
diekthx: anyone know the name of the short where the guy is like 'im going to have sex with your mother. that's right i'm going to fuck your mom' ?
Odovaucer: Hosue, wasn't it?
Zbot: i wasn't really sure how fast the shock waves of an atomic explosion propagated
Fagnuit: well im going to play with a 13 year old asian then :(
But enough about hosues. Let's talk about skippy6884. Actually let's not, as she doesn't seem to have responded yet. We can only hope she'll be properly apreciative of her shot at the Red Button. Very, very prestigious.
So anyway, it appears denouement will probably have to wait even longer. Unless you want to interpret that last post as denouement, in wich case denouement is clearly an event in the past, or "history" as I like to call it.
But I think that's enough dealing with other people for today. Instead I'd like to talk about Lemon Party for a while. As you may realized turtle_07 is out for the week which should, theoretically, leave us with three other posters. Namely, Odovaucer (yes that's me), CarverBuns, and Penguininja. You may also have realized that everything written this week has been from me. And continuing in your realizations you may discover that it has been quite some time since anyone else has posted.
Just turtle and me. And we like posting, certainly, but we also like breaks. And yet we couldn't possibly leave you by yourselves without frequent Lemon Party updates. You could hurt yourselves! We just couldn't have that. Pat your self on the back if you guesed that I was leading up to something concerning the Party posting roster. I am not, in fact, announcing a new poster, but I do want you all to know that we're planning on adding one in the coming weeks. Now we have some writers in mind, but the field is still open. That means you could be the newest addition! If you're interested just send an email to Odovaucer@gmail.com. And send a copy to turtle_07@hotmail.com. He probably won't read it, but he will spitefully delete your message and cut himself shaving from the distraction you caused him. Sounds like fun doesn't it? I'm going to go email him myself. Toodles.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.