Lemon Party
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Sometimes the Date Changes After 24 Hours
And here we go again, we know the start we know the end, masters of the scene. We've done it all before, and now we're back to get some more. You know what I mean? If you do then please stop reading right now, there will be nothing in this update that you don't already know. If, however, you said, "no," then please by all means continue reading.
What I'd like to talk about is something that is very dear me, something that I don't think we at Lemon Party talk about enough. That thing, my dear good friends, that thing... is love. So often we Lemon Jockeys blast people writing about their shitty crushes and mock their angst, that some simple-minded folk might think that we hate love in general. No, my friends, we do not hate love.
(Actually I do hate love - Odovaucer, who also hates the egregious lack of toothpicks in sufficiently large sandwiches)
What we hate is the lack of toothpicks in sufficiently large sandwiches. Sometimes our hatred of this travesty becomes so great that we might lash out at things that seem like love, but you must remember: we do not hate love, and what we lash out at is not love. You must always remember that. This one time I forgot that... and... well I woke up hours later in a daze surrounded by Barbie dolls and beer cans. Don't let that happen to you.
Anyway, toothpicks are important. When you have a large sandwich and you try to bite into it but it falls everyone you get really pissed. With toothpicks you can do one of two things. One would be to test your luck by removing the toothpick, but still safe in the knowledge that wherever your transporting the sandwich to before you eat it, it will remain safe. Or two, you can leave the toothpick in and just eat around it. Both are excellent choices for a sandwich of sufficient stature, and it would be a crime to not have toothpicks in such a situation.
Toothpicks have a long and amazing history you know. They were invented in Germany in 1812 by a Mr. Thomas Toothpicke. Back then they were called toothpickes, but later the E was scrapped when we moved from old English into new English. After they were invented however Thomas couldn't take all of the stress of being famous, and he killed himself in late April of 1816.
I certainly hope that you've learned something this update, and next time you reach for a sandwich... don't forget to make sure that it has toothpicks.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Thursday, November 25, 2004
The Most Lemony Thanksgiving You Could Ask For
Today is Thanksgiving. Traditionally Thanksgiving is day of giving thanks. It's one of those sort things that are kind of obvious to people like me. People like me being people much smarter than people like you. It is in fact people like me I want to talk about today, but not in giving thanks type of capacity. I would like to explain to you, my faithful readers about me, and, by extension, people like me.
I was born. It was a rather messy affair and not one I particularly wish to repeat. It was notable because it was directly followed by what was easily the second biggest mistake of my life. Until quite recently it was, in fact, numero uno. Here's what happened. After popping out, so to speak, I stuck my head up and had a look around. That was it. See the mistake? It was an error of inaction.
What I should have done was get the fuck back in there. Look at the world around you, it's going to hell in a fucking handbasket. You Americans just reelected, for the second time, a President who is actively trying to bring the apocalypse as soon as possible. The majority of the American electorate* wants to end the world. Or they're too stupid to understand what they're voting for, which is essentially the same. If you've been reading LemonParty for any length of time you should know that I have been one of the most strident voices against humanity and for mass suicide. Seriously the world is in the shitter, and there aren't enough people with fully functional brains to drag it ot of there. Rats would abandon sinking ships, and in this instance the rats have a leg up on you stupid fuckers.
Once you've accepted that everything is shitty except the stuff that's about to turn shitty and hurt you by surprise, life doesn't really seem worth living, and it is isn't. But not everyone is willing to take that plunge. In fact most people have that sort of misguided optimism that things will get better or are just too chicken-shit to do it, or some other excuse. Hell, I'm obviously one of them.** I obviously haven't killed myself. Though it's certainly possible that is my last update ever and I'm going to go kill myself after I put this piece out on Internet. Why am I so morbid on a day that should, theoretically, be spent giving thanks for my blessings, for the best things in life? Perhaps it has to do with my self-destructive tendencies, my capacity to throw away those blessings, my truly histrionic fits of self-loathing. Suffice to say that, I don't know what's right, but I know that I am quite wrong. But then so are you, so it evens out as I'm probably less wrong, seeing as how my IQ is over 80 and yours isn't.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
*To be fair this election probably was rigged from both sides, though much more severely from the Republican side. That no one put together a coherent campaign of protest like in Ukraine for instance is, however, tacit approval of this President.
**Yet.
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
Tripping the Light Fantastic
As you may have noticed, turtle_07 and I have been involved in a bit of a quarrel. The exact cause of this quarrel has been shrouded by the mists of time, but nevertheless we battle on. Similarly, we once decided to a settle a dispute via a Yahtzee match. In the time since July 13 we have decided that our match will be best two out of three. The actual match has yet to begin. I hope that will give you an insight into the debate that is currently raging between Lemon Party's two premier Lemon Jockeys. With no further ado, I present counter-counter-rebuttals. For clarities sake all turtle_07's scurrilous accusations have been italicized, and all the brand-new never-before-seen counter-counter-rebuttals are in bold.
Part the first
1. Odovaucer wasn't actually the first poster of lemon party, our humble blog was actually started by Djquickcool27, but Djquickcool27 was unfortunately the trusting type. He gave Odovaucer an admin posting account and before you could say 'troglodyte, Djquickcool27 is one' he had disappeared from the blog forever. - turtle_07
Odovaucer said: Trust me, if you had read anything dJqUIcKcoOl27 wrote you'd have wanted to gouge out your eyes with your toenails. Also, I didn't just wipe him from the blog, try googling his name.
His name doesn't exist, probably because you wiped his name off the very face of the internet, good job incriminating yourself jackface. - turtle_07
I have since checked the Wayback Machine, the official Internet archive. There has never been a dJqUIcKcoOl27 on Internet. Ever.
2. Whereas most people aren't dumb enough to use their real name as their screen name, Odovaucer is different. He thinks that he can lead you off the trail by changing the spelling of his name slightly. Google search for Odovacer Ostrogoth, you'll see that our friend has a colorful history. HOW MANY HAVE YOU KILLED? HOW MANY? - turtle_07
Odovaucer said: As everyone knows, Google is never wrong.
No, but it appears that I am. In an amazing display of trickery Odovaucer made me believe that his last name was Ostrogoth, not that it was simply a placed that he was somehow tied to. Not tied to literally, but figuratively as it is known to have importance to him. Try removing those quotation marks Mr. Sassypants.
If you run the google search Mr. turtle_07 suggests you shall find something interesting in what is, at this posting, the second result. This site says, and I quote, "The Christian Ostrogoth (if indeed he was an Ostrogoth) Odovacer..." And if you were to check some of the other results more closely you will find that the term Ostrogoth is more often associated with other individuals appearing on those pages, not Odovacer.
3. Odovaucer abandoned his platoon in Vietnam. Going into the brush and shooting himself three times in the foot Odovaucer crawled back to camp crying. After receiving the three purple hearts necessary to leave Vietnam he was out of there. No one from his platoon survived.
Odovaucer said: Ha-HA! If no one from my platoon survived how am I here typing this retort? It would appear one member of my platoon survived, thus completely invalidating all elements of his so-called "shocking thing about Odovaucer."
Not really, if you'll please direct your attention to number 8, I believe that I call you a vampire. You didn't survive. How your incredible dumbosity invalidates my entire argument I don't know. - turtle_07
Surely that would be a must excellent point, had it not been so patently ridiculous. You see although he did call me a vampire, I am not one. Therefore I could quite easily have survived.
4. Odovaucer uses his political influence to start wars in countries that you've never heard of. Worried about getting drafted? Don't blame the President. Blame Odovaucer. - turtle_07
Odovaucer said: Nope, sorry. I you're worried about getting drafted you have no one to blame but yourself. No one else can make you worry about anything, it's your own damn fault you're such a pussy.
Ever heard of marketing? You're using your political influence to market fear, and we all know that these people will buy anything... even your heinous lies. Only 1 dollar for PAIN! - turtle_07
I have indeed heard of marketing, and I can even define it. Let's see you do this, turtle_07!
1 a : the act or process of selling or purchasing in a market b : the process or technique of promoting, selling, and distributing a product or service
5. A long time ago when I was wondering in the woods I came across a stump. Seeing as it was high noon and I was getting hungry, I placed my delicious lunch on the stump and then found a comfortable rock. I sat down and began to eat my lunch. I had but started when a man in a long black robe approached me. He asked if he could have a biscuit. Being the kind of person that I am I gave him one. Upon getting his biscuit he left without saying 'thank you'. That person was Odovaucer. - turtle_07
Odovaucer Said: That is a dirty lie. Never once have I taken a biscuit from him. In fact, as far as I know, he has never eaten a biscuit in his life. I deny any allegations of taking a biscuit from him that day in woods by the stump that I was wearing a long black robe and left without saying thank you. And if he can't even correctly recall what he was eating, how can you trust him on other matters?
I eat biscuits all the time, just because you can't recall those times doesn't make me a liar. - turtle_07
turtle_07 has hoped to stymie me by directly contradicting my quite valid point. turtle_07 must think he's awfully clever, but you and I both know that until he shows us a digital image of himself eating a biscuit we cannot believe his calumnous assertions.
6. If Odovaucer had Superman's powers, he would use them for evil. - turtle_07
Odovaucer Said: I already have Superman's powers, and if I already have Superman's powers gaining them again would in no way influence me to begin using them for evil. That's just common sense people.
This is a flat out lie. Odovaucer died in Nam, he admitted that no one from his platoon survived. However since he is still posting he must be the walking dead (#8), and since the only people who have superman's powers are supermen, or those from the planet Krypton. And since none of those have ever been documented to be walking dead (people know everything about Krypton, don't say that well they missed it Odovaucer), then I must conclude that you're a big fat liar. - turtle_07
Is it not delightfully ironic that turtle_07 accuses me of a "flat out lie" when he himself is actually guilty of one such untruth in the very next statement? Look back for yourself, I never said that I had died in 'Nam. Never. Not once. Search Internet for one instance of Odovaucer writing about his death in 'Nam and you'll come up completely empty-handed. Since turtle_07 concludes that people who tell "flat out lies" are "big fat liars" we have no choice but to label him a "big fat liar.
7. Terrorist groups actually answer to Odovaucer. He's the leader of every single one of them. He caused all terrorist-related things to happen as well as poisoned the milk in your breasts (if you're a girl). - turtle_07
Odovaucer Said: Though it is true that the milk in your breasts is poisonous, I deny that I poisoned them. True, the poisoning of your breastmilk was the direct result of my machinations. The primary definition of "poison" over at Merriam-Webster is "A. to injure or kill with poison." I sumit that the milk in your breasts is uninjured and very much alive.
How would you know? - turtle_07
I really thought he would have been able to figure that out for himself. However I suppose I have no choice but to cite my source: Merriam-Webster.com. At least we have that cleared up now.
8. Odovaucer is a vampire. He robs people of their inner essence (AND BLOOD). - turtle_07
Odovaucer Said: Once again we turn to Merriam Webster. A vampire is "the reanimated body of a dead person believed to come from the grave at night and suck the blood of persons asleep." I, dear reader, am very much alive. Would the walking dead take time out of its busy schedule to help you in your blogging? I think not.
Vampires don't have busy schedules, you sleep, you drink blood, and you seduce countless maidens. Over the centuries however I'm sure that it got awful lonely, so you started a blog to talk about your feelings. - turtle_07
I suppose this is forgivable as I had not published the Lemon Party retrospective when turtle_07 wrote this. It still seems a bit peculiar that he isn't clear on the origins of the very blog he calls home.
9. Odovaucer wrote this fanfic. - turtle_07
Odovaucer Said: Obviously this is false as that work of "fan fiction" is in fact on Internet, and as it is on Internet it was clearly typed. Now it is possible that I wrote it out longhand before, but that is a dubious possibility. No one puts their work in writing of they're just going to type it up for mass consumption. It's inefficient and tedious.
I never said that you yourself put it on the internet, I just said that you wrote it. Of course the fact that you have to 'defend' yourself from my supposed allegations means that you probably wrote it and loved it so much that you had to find it a more permanent home on FFN. - turtle_07
He raises points, but not valid ones. He has yet to posit a convincing argument for my actually writing this grotesque abomination of prose. If we are to use an online dictionary in our efforts to understand turtle_07's vicious attacks, we have no choice but to conclude that turtle_07 has no way of defending his wildly reckless attempt to discredit me. Click the link and notice the stringent definition of "to write." The ball is in his court to prove that I actually put that despicable waste of words on paper.
10. Odovaucer calls me a fag a lot. - turtle_07
Odovaucer Said: I do not call turtle_07 a "fag" a lot. I call him a "faggot" with some regularity, but that is an entirely different word, with a perfectly unique meaning.
I suppose for once in his miserable existence Odovaucer is right. I retract #10 and wish to replace it with this:
10. Odovaucer hits me a lot. - turtle_07
Sorry, but no dice. It's too late to make new allegations, you're stuck with the ones you started with. It's not my problem that you made them all up.
Part the second
Odovaucer: Hey dude
turtle_07: Hello Odovaucer, I was just about to go off and help old ladies across the street.
Odovaucer: That's cool. Hey look, I'm going to kill the presidents
turtle_07: go ahead... wait what? presidents?
Odovaucer: Not dubya, I'm going to go back in time and kill all of the presidents that everyone liked.
turtle_07: Like Taft?
Odovaucer: No, not like Taft
I didn't post the rest of the chatlog, the part after he came back from being away
Odovaucer: I'm back dude
turtle_07: How did it go?
Odovaucer: Taft was able to defeat me in armed combat.
turtle_07: Wow, you're a pussy
Odovaucer is no longer available
-turtle_07
First turtle_07 asserts that I aim to go back in time and kill a number of U.S. Presidents, but not Taft. Then he asserts that I attempted to travel through time in order to kill Taft. That's a logical inconsistency, folks. His entire story is fundamentally flawed, which means it is extremely likely that he is making it up as he goes along. Once again we see that turtle_07 is the real villain.
Part the third
Odovaucer Said: He says I touch him in bad places. I'll have you know that to me the human body is a work of art: it has no bad places. The human body is a wondrous and lovely thing to be respected and loved. That turtle_07 thinks that his body has "bad places" shows a very telling lack of self-respect. And if you can't love your own body what can you love? It would seem that turtle_07 is a very depressed person. I think we should pay close attention to him; he may try to kill himself. We should pity his mental instability, not make fun of him for it.
The human body is a wondrous and amazing thing. I was referring to the parts that you created and then bonded to my flesh with sinister magicks and evil sciences. - turtle_07
That was quite eloquent. His adjectives are impeccably storied without being cliched. I truly laud this short paragraph from a literary standpoint. Obviously the ideas expressed are rubish, but the writing is really something special.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Monday, November 22, 2004
Gauges Unbroken, Stupid Unfucked, Work Unfinished: The Lemon Party Retrospective Part Two
You might have gathered from this piece's title that it is a continuation of Friday's update. You might have gathered from this piece's title that bananas are an excellent source of protein. It is also possible that you might have gathered from this piece's title that turtle_07 is a leper and a hermaphrodite. Unfortunately only one of those is fully accurate. The accurate statement is the third one, for reasons I don't think I really have to go into at this point.
Speaking of hermaphroditic lepers, let's give turtle_07 credit for pioneering the term "E-Internet celebrity" on February 16, 2004.* Let's also take a look at turtle_07's seminal article on Surviving the Future. This piece enlightened literally trillions of web surfers, most of whom were, by their perspectives, already in the very future he was helping them survive! If that wasn't enough he produced a follow-up shortly thereafter and a third before the end of the month.
Friday, March 12, 2004: turtle_07 posts the first image in a Lemon Party update. Our readership is shocked and awed.
As you can see turtle_07 had a very strong March, but he was fading fast. It was time for something remarkable to happen, so I wrote this piece on segues and outsourcing. It was not a bad piece, but it was not, in and of itself, the remarkable happening that very much happened at just the right time. That remarkable happening was named David, but it used the pseudonym "Penguininja" on the interwebnation superhighway. Technically David was not so much a remarkable happening, but actually a wholly unremarkable human being who was never quite clear on his country of origin. He was, however, the fifth person to gain posting rights on our distinguished corner of Internet, and the only one to use angry red text. At first many of our regulars did not believe in him, but he, much like the narwhal, turned out to be very real.* Penguininja never really settled into the Party formula and faded away quickly and quietly.
Later that week I published the first of several unfinished pieces by dfjawioed. Why did I grant that much to a disgraced poster? Well I didn't feel like updating myself, so I made fun of him. This formula has been repeated, and I've still got some of his stuff and some unfinished Penguininja pieces stored away in case of rainy day.
April First, 2004: The only unannounced Lemon Party poster ever takes the stage. His name, if you can't guess, is Frank Caltrozen. Frank has had a longstanding association with this site, but had never before appeared on the blog. He has never again graced our pages with his presence.
4/29/04: the end of an era. Perhaps that is an overestimation of CarverBuns' career as a Lemon Jockey, but regardless, this is the last of his seven entries. To be perfectly honest, very few people actually cared. Readers did, however, care about comments, so, on May 21, 2004 I restarted my long-running, but as yet unfinished mini-series on commenting. Specifically I was to be concentrating on gimmick comments this time around. Soon this petered out as well, however. Perhaps one day soon I'll pick up where I left off. If you care one way or the other leave a comment or email me at Odovaucer (at) gmail (dot) com.
Why did this series drop off so suddenly? The answer is the same one I give to any question about the dearth of updates of any type during that particular time region: summer vacation. No school meant a relaxation of our already admittedly haphazard work ethic, so the updates were noticeably sparse in early June. We managed to get back on track though, when I returned from my European adventure on Friday, June 18. I announced to the world the limp-wristed shame of the German people, and jumped back into the gimmick comment discussion with a real world experiment before letting the subject sink once again into the murky depths of anonymity.
Something very important had replaced blogging as the most pressing topic of Lemon Party: the raging pants vs. hosues debate. You see I have been a long time supporter of pants; you can look through the archives and find numerous references to this purely platonic but nonetheless extremly deep love. I would toss out links now, but I'm in the moment.*** However on June 29 I discovered hosues, the clothing craze sweeping the nation. That week was mostly consumed by hosue frenzy, but something interesting showed up on Friday.
Go on, click the link. Recognize the format? That's right, you're looking at the proto-Nudeist Colony. If you don't know what the Nudeist Colony is, well you certainly will in a moment. The Nudeist Colony is my weekly update listing our most interesting hits from the past week. Generally the most interesting hits are from Google or Yahoo searches for peculiar items that vaguely resemble things we've written over the past year. For some reason this included an inordinate number searches for the misspelling "nudeist." That's right, as in CarverBuns, the Nudeist Poster. This, incidentally was the first of two referrer log updates before the weekly series began in earnest and one of four before the name "Nudeist Colony" was used.
July 14: I reveal the "Who Wants to Be a Lemon Jockey?" contest.
Incidentally this was both the coining of the phrase "Lemon Jockey" and the first time I referred to lewis "dfjawioed" brandt as the Lemon Intern. Yes, this contest is rather derivative of a certain MTV-run competition. This is a far better contest however because of the promotional icon and posting rights on the most prestigious blog on Internet.
7/20/04: turtle_07 begin our epic clash over the nature of that endlessly derided pursuit Dungeons & Dragons. I put forth the postulate that D&D is neither a game nor even an entertainment. turtle_07 sprang forth to defend his geekiness outlet of choice and the battle was on. Of course most of the comments from that epic clash are missing, but we finally begin to see some surviving comments.
The first week in August we took a relaxing, somewhat homoerotic, and well-earned vacation in the "San Francisco of the East Coast," Rehoboth Beach, Delaware. turtle_07 was not aware of that reputation at teh time and will probably not be repeating the experience in the near future. Such is life. We returned with a renewed fervor for life and a rather irregular series of updates.
A week after our return we introduced the winner of our WWTBALJ contest and the spiffy art accompanying said contest. OctipudIV, the winner, let loose a veritable torrent of posts, which eased the burden on the premier posters like never before. Her presence also loosened up a steady stream of comments, if only banter among the Lemon Jockeys.
Friday, August, 27. Scholastic pursuits are about start again. For this reason or perhaps for another, more insidious reason I write a lengthy piece about suicide. The sudden pressure of schoolwork leaves us with several weeks of substandard update density. In honor of the election I began to work over political blogs. On the eve of the election we posted our endorsements, and you went out to vote. You were so busy voting that November 2 was the only day we have ever received zero hits. My choice triumphed over turtle_07's, and with any luck the end times are upon us.
Understandably upset over his crushing loss, turtle_07 launched a personal attack. We have since traded further blows, and the conflict appears to be steadily building.
And that, dear reader, is the first year of Lemon Party in review. Notice that we've steadily drifted away from our original mission of improving your blogging and into more experimental subjects. I tihnk you can expect us to return to our roots in the coming year, but also to expand on our growing portfolio. Here's to another year of Lemony Justice!
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
*That's in addition to his previous ÜBER-popular catchphrase "interwebnation superhighway," which makes a grand total of two, for those keeping score at home. I myself have an equal number.
**Yes, once again the loss of early comments is an unfortunate reminder of our human frailty.
***Expect the links to show up here in a day or two.
Friday, November 19, 2004
Gauges Unbroken, Stupid Unfucked, Work Unfinished
Today is Friday, November 19, 2004. That date is pretty much meaningless to me, and probably to you as well. How about Thursday, November 13, 2003? Probably not, and that's too bad. However I've got a solution. Take a look to the right of this paragraph. You'll notice a list of links. The second one contains the date in question. Coincidence? No sir!
If you click that link you'll find that Thursday the 13th I began the Lemon Party you all know and love, even though that is not in fact the date of the first post. The day before there were a pair of posts. However those were posts without purpose or direction. Also, there was a post on September 11, 2001, but that was a joke. If you really believed that I just happened to start up a pointless blog on September 11th, well you're probably of about average intellect or, in terms I tend to prefer, a fucking moron. I've finally admitted that that was gimmick though, so we can move on. Moving on we see the true beginning of the blog, Thursday the 13th. This year November 13 fell on a Saturday so I decided to delay the special anniversary addition until today. If you haven't noticed yet the blog of blogs is finally one year old.
As this indeed the blog's birthday week, I've decided to write a brief retrospective, a Lemon Jockey's-eye-view of this year in Lemon blogging. We've already discussed the gimmick first post, so we can now move on to the blog proper. The blog proper, incidentally, does not include any memory of much the first week, because much of the first week is stupid awful shit. My excuse is that I was young and the blog had not yet fully formed. You see, we were still feeling out styles and jokes back then. Sure turtle_07 and I are pretty polished now, but back then both us were as uncomfortable with the form as Carver Buns and Lemon Intern dfjawioeraiod.
By the second week things were noticeably more consistent, and over the following weeks turtle_07 posted more and more, and we changed the original Lemon Party signoff of "And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be e Lemon Party." to "And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be e Lemon Party. Because your blog sucks." on December 8. To this day we have retained that formula. I myself stayed in the background, editing and shopping around for more writers, and an occasional update. You'll notice we settled on three types of updates: commandments, holidays, and miniseries. Commandments and holidays are pretty self-explanatory. A miniseries was a topic that was a bit too complicated for a single commandment so we broke it up into a couple of pieces published in no particular pattern. The first two were turtle_07's series of "how-to" articles, proactively teaching proper blogging technique. My series on the do's and don'ts of comments showed up about the same time. December 10 the third poster made his triumphant debut. His egregious misspelling of the word nudist continues to bring in new readers through Internet searches for "nudeist pics."
The very next week we got our first troll. His name was dfjawioeraiodklsajfsjadlkjsdfalkjwaioeufjv m,cnm,n efjl ihjdioasjuriowaejfio fjsdlaj]]]]qwoqkeop;kda;lfks;dfkdfasgfagdsfa>>>, and he burst onto the scene with a series of comments over the weekend of December 12. (unfortunately all our early comments were lost in the HaloScan debacle, which was wholly out of our control.) Somehow he immediately captured our attention, even if his secret identity was never in doubt.** Five days later he was granted posting rights on a whim. That was probably a mistake, but what the hell, I could always delete his shit. He made one idiotic posts early on, but for the most part didn't really know what to do with his newfound power. CarverBuns, however eventually churned out his second update a few weeks after his first.
On January 10 I started using footnotes.* They show up with some regularity from here on. On Saturday, January 10 I link to the blog of a girl named Jamie. If you recall the first commandment, it was also about this blog. You see this young lady (currently a college freshman in Minnesota) is jam-packed with more bullshit than I would have thought possible. I had no compunction in saying so. For some reason she was not pleased. So CarverBuns posted again, deciding to join me in beating the ever-loving shit out of the dead horse that is Miss heartless_kitty. This post fans the flames ever higher, and we get a lovely set of comments from her idiotic friends. We continue to mock her whenever the mood strikes. Eventually something shiny distracts them and nothing of note happens until the week of February 2nd, the week I decided to remove dfjaweiod from the Party. His best work was published in that last week, but his efforts were ultimately in vain, and was removed for being a worthless sack of shit. However he is currently the official Lemon Party intern. What's up with that? Well you'll just have to wait for part two, which goes live on Monday!
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
*Yes, this is a footnote. If you expected something enlightening here, you're going to be disappointed.
**Interesting it was turtle_07's update responding to dfjawioeraiodklsajfsjadlkjsdfalkjwaioeufjv m,cnm,n efjl ihjdioasjuriowaejfio fjsdlaj]]]]qwoqkeop;kda;lfks;dfkdfasgfagdsfa>>>'s comments that first showcased the now universal term "interwebnation superhighway."
Thursday, November 18, 2004
If You Assembled a Tent in the Wilderness and then Removed the Last "T," Well then You'd Have the Number of Nudeist Colonies
It's time for a colony. A colony of nudeists that is! Oh! Now for some referrer logs.
Mon Nov 8 02:29:59 2004
Finnish
milla.top.tkukoulu.fi
192.103.98.4
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://www.google.fi/search?hl=fi&q=lemon party&lr=
Four hits from this fellow running the unremarkable search of "Lemon Party." So why is this one interesting? Hello, he's from fucking Finland, and foreigners are interesting. Come on, revel in your newfound understanding: Scandinavians love us too.
Mon Nov 8 21:27:26 2004
Spanish (Argentina)
host210.200-82-0.telecom.net.ar
200.82.0.210
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=lemonparty&csz=&ei=UTF-8&fr=FP-tab-web-t&cop=mss&tab=&toggle=1
Our appeal is positively international! This guy may not have been able to speak the language, but he sure did check out the archives.
Mon Nov 8 20:17:47 2004
Linux (Linux_i686)
alb-24-194-37-235.nycap.rr.com
24.194.37.235
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://www.google.com/search?q=lemon party&start=0&start=0&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&client=firefox&rls=org
Not only is our appeal international. It appears that we attract even those peculiar folks who swear by a little something called "Linux." I'm not sure if that really matters to ay of you, but you can't deny it any longer if you were denying it.
Tue Nov 9 12:58:18 2004
h000b06c3fe91.ne.client2.attbi.com
24.128.151.233
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://www.comcast.net/qry/websearch?cmd=qry&safe=on&query=NUDEIST COLONY PICTURES&searchChoice=goo
Oooooh CAPITAL LETTERS, I'm sure that greatly improves your results. Seriously. Who really wants to see pictures of nudist colonies, let alone "nudeist" colonies. The people there generally aren't the kind you particularly want to be ogling. If you have some sense of aesthetics, that is. Obviously the Master of the Caps Lock key lacks that sense.
Wed Nov 10 20:34:30 2004
waunwibas01-pool0-a215.waunwi.tds.net
216.170.192.215
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=nudeism&ei=UTF-8&pstart=1&b=11
So at first we just got a couple hits from searches for simply "nudeist." Then our misguided perverts starting narrowing down their searches to "nudeists" or "nudeist" colony. It was in the later stages that the words "pics" and "pictures" started appearing as well. This is the first time anyone's ever tried "nudeism." Doesn't that word just make you cringe? Isn't it obvious that it isn't a word? I really hate my readers.
Wed Nov 10 22:50:56 2004
c-67-169-30-14.client.comcast.net
67.169.30.14
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=what is a lemon party
Naïveté is beautiful. I really did not think there was anyone left on Internet who did not understand the glory that be Lemon Party. Hopefully that's the last one educated.
Thu Nov 11 00:03:56 2004
ppp-p2-228.ras.van.centurytel.net
66.112.43.228
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2003_12_28_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=12 year old girl porn&ei=UTF-8&fr=slv1-&b=251
This is still NOT LEGAL. See how I used bold, capitalized letters for that? That's to make it more noticeable, but people still won't get it. Christ.
Thu Nov 11 22:05:36 2004
pool-68-160-137-28.bos.east.verizon.net
68.160.137.28
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2003_12_21_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=motion%2C except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happ
Read whatever you like into "except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happ." I doubt I've got anything better to say than you do.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Friday, November 12, 2004
Third verse: same as the first
It was nice for Odovaucer to take time out of his busy schedule to respond to all of my allegations. However it wasn't nice that he continued to lie and try to distract us all by making me look stupid. I will respond to Odovaucer the same way he responded to me, boringly. ZING. I'm just kidding... I'll actually be funny.
First verse, same as the first:
1. Odovaucer wasn't actually the first poster of lemon party, our humble blog was actually started by Djquickcool27, but Djquickcool27 was unfortunately the trusting type. He gave Odovaucer an admin posting account and before you could say 'troglodyte, Djquickcool27 is one' he had disappeared from the blog forever.
Odovaucer said: Trust me, if you had read anything dJqUIcKcoOl27 wrote you'd have wanted to gouge out your eyes with your toenails. Also, I didn't just wipe him from the blog, try googling his name.
His name doesn't exist, probably because you wiped his name off the very face of the internet, good job incriminating yourself jackface.
2. Whereas most people aren't dumb enough to use their real name as their screen name, Odovaucer is different. He thinks that he can lead you off the trail by changing the spelling of his name slightly. Google search for Odovacer Ostrogoth, you'll see that our friend has a colorful history. HOW MANY HAVE YOU KILLED? HOW MANY?
Odovaucer said: As everyone knows, Google is never wrong.
No, but it appears that I am. In an amazing display of trickery Odovaucer made me believe that his last name was Ostrogoth, not that it was simply a placed that he was somehow tied to. Not tied to literally, but figuratively as it is known to have importance to him. Try removing those quotation marks Mr. Sassypants.
3. Odovaucer abandoned his platoon in Vietnam. Going into the brush and shooting himself three times in the foot Odovaucer crawled back to camp crying. After receiving the three purple hearts necessary to leave Vietnam he was out of there. No one from his platoon survived.
Odovaucer said: Ha-HA! If no one from my platoon survived how am I here typing this retort? It would appear one member of my platoon survived, thus completely invalidating all elements of his so-called "shocking thing about Odovaucer."
Not really, if you'll please direct your attention to number 8, I believe that I call you a vampire. You didn't survive. How your incredible dumbosity invalidates my entire argument I don't know.
4. Odovaucer uses his political influence to start wars in countries that you've never heard of. Worried about getting drafted? Don't blame the President. Blame Odovaucer.
Odovaucer said: Nope, sorry. I you're worried about getting drafted you have no one to blame but yourself. No one else can make you worry about anything, it's your own damn fault you're such a pussy.
Ever heard of marketing? You're using your political influence to market fear, and we all know that these people will buy anything... even your heinous lies. Only 1 dollar for PAIN!
5. A long time ago when I was wondering in the woods I came across a stump. Seeing as it was high noon and I was getting hungry, I placed my delicious lunch on the stump and then found a comfortable rock. I sat down and began to eat my lunch. I had but started when a man in a long black robe approached me. He asked if he could have a biscuit. Being the kind of person that I am I gave him one. Upon getting his biscuit he left without saying 'thank you'. That person was Odovaucer.
Odovaucer Said: That is a dirty lie. Never once have I taken a biscuit from him. In fact, as far as I know, he has never eaten a biscuit in his life. I deny any allegations of taking a biscuit from him that day in woods by the stump that I was wearing a long black robe and left without saying thank you. And if he can't even correctly recall what he was eating, how can you trust him on other matters?
I eat biscuits all the time, just because you can't recall those times doesn't make me a liar.
6. If Odovaucer had Superman's powers, he would use them for evil.
Odovaucer Said:I already have Superman's powers, and if I already have Superman's powers gaining them again would in no way influence me to begin using them for evil. It's just common sense people.
This is a flat out lie. Odovaucer died in Nam, he admitted that no one from his platoon survived. However since he is still posting he must be the walking dead (#8), and since the only people who have superman's powers are supermen, or those from the planet Krypton. And since none of those have ever been documented to be walking dead (people know everything about Krypton, don't say that well they missed it Odovaucer), then I must conclude that you're a big fat liar.
7. Terrorist groups actually answer to Odovaucer. He's the leader of every single one of them. He caused all terrorist-related things to happen as well as poisoned the milk in your breasts (if you're a girl).
Odovaucer Said: Though it is true that the milk in your breasts is poisonous, I deny that I poisoned them. True, the poisoning of your breastmilk was the direct result of my machinations. The primary definition of "poison" over at Merriam-Webster is "A. to injure or kill with poison." I sumit that the milk in your breasts is uninjured and very much alive.
How would you know?
8. Odovaucer is a vampire. He robs people of their inner essence (AND BLOOD).
Odovaucer Said: Once again we turn to Merriam Webster. A vampire is "the reanimated body of a dead person believed to come from the grave at night and suck the blood of persons asleep." I, dear reader, am very much alive. Would the walking dead take time out of its busy schedule to help you in your blogging? I think not.
Vampires don't have busy schedules, you sleep, you drink blood, and you seduce countless maidens. Over the centuries however I'm sure that it got awful lonely, so you started a blog to talk about your feelings.
9. Odovaucer wrote this fanfic.
Odovaucer Said: Obviously this is false as that work of "fan fiction" is in fact on Internet, and as it is on Internet it was clearly typed. Now it is possible that I wrote it out longhand before, but that is a dubious possibility. No one puts their work in writing of they're just going to type it up for mass consumption. It's inefficient and tedious.
I never said that you yourself put it on the internet, I just said that you wrote it. Of course the fact that you have to 'defend' yourself from my supposed allegations means that you probably wrote it and loved it so much that you had to find it a more permanent home on FFN.
10. Odovaucer calls me a fag a lot.
Odovaucer Said: I do not call turtle_07 a "fag" a lot. I call him a "faggot" with some regularity, but that is an entirely different word, with a perfectly unique meaning.
I suppose for once in his miserable existence Odovaucer is right. I retract #10 and wish to replace it with this:
10. Odovaucer hits me a lot.
Part the second: Wherein Odovaucer's hurtful words are like rocks as they bounce off my rubber skin. Oh... and Odovaucer's skin is made of glue.
Odovaucer: Hey dude
turtle_07: Hello Odovaucer, I was just about to go off and help old ladies across the street.
Odovaucer: That's cool. Hey look, I'm going to kill the presidents
turtle_07: go ahead... wait what? presidents?
Odovaucer: Not dubya, I'm going to go back in time and kill all of the presidents that everyone liked.
turtle_07: Like Taft?
Odovaucer: No, not like Taft
I didn't post the rest of the chatlog, the part after he came back from being away
Odovaucer: I'm back dude
turtle_07: How did it go?
Odovaucer: Taft was able to defeat me in armed combat.
turtle_07: Wow, you're a pussy
Odovaucer is no longer available
Odovaucer is like totally the biggest liar ever:
Odovaucer Said: He says I touch him in bad places. I'll have you know that to me the human body is a work of art: it has no bad places. The human body is a wondrous and lovely thing to be respected and loved. That turtle_07 thinks that his body has "bad places" shows a very telling lack of self-respect. And if you can't love your own body what can you love? It would seem that turtle_07 is a very depressed person. I think we should pay close attention to him; he may try to kill himself. We should pity his mental instability, not make fun of him for it.
The human body is a wondrous and amazing thing. I was referring to the parts that you created and then bonded to my flesh with sinister magicks and evil sciences.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Nine and Nine Makes Eighteen, But This is Only the Ninth Nudeist Colony
For this week I had some really stellar logs, including an Italian looking for people without their clothes and an American looking for twelve year olds without their clothes. Unfortunately the exact details are lost to us, as are the IPs. You'll just have to make do with these instead, I suppose. As before all logs are American Windows users unless otherwise specified.
Thu Nov 4 20:22:08 2004
English (Australia)
202.72.148.102
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://www.google.com.au/search?q=lemon party&hl=en&safe=off
Well now, well now. It seems not every fan is an American. Although Australians aren't the most desirable of demographics, we'll take whomever we can get.
Thu Nov 4 20:22:52 2004
66.169.185.133.ts46v-15.otnh1.ftwrth.tx.charter.com
66.169.185.133
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/ http://search.msn.com/results.aspx?FORM=MSNH&q=lemon%20party
This one is only interesting because it's a Texan, and I've never met a literate Texan before. Especially not a literate Texan who went through over a dozen pages of our stuff. Maybe the Lonestar State isn't as awful as we'd thought.
Fri Nov 5 18:50:33 2004
ool-43500b55.dyn.optonline.net
67.80.11.85
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://search.msn.com/results.aspx?FORM=MSNHM1&q=nudeist
Of course we still get "nudeist" hits. What would this weekly feature be without misspelled fetishes?
Fri Nov 5 22:25:34 2004
adsl-69-108-154-51.dsl.irvnca.pacbell.net
69.108.154.51
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_02_22_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=lemon party.com&ei=UTF-8&fr=sbc-web&fl=0&x=wrt
Now let's think about this for a moment. He searched for "lemon" and "party.com." What could possibly have informed this decision. He doesn't want a lemonparty.com, no he wants a site that links to a site named party.com and uses the word lemon at some point. What a fucking brilliant idea.
Sat Nov 6 14:53:14 2004
cache-ntc-ab09.proxy.aol.com
198.81.26.46
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=Nudeists&sm=Yahoo%21 Search&fr=FP-tab-web-t&toggle=1
Oh ho, so you want multiple nudeists do you? One's not good enough for this insistent fellow. Pity you tried our site you fucking moron.
Sat Nov 6 17:39:06 2004
randall.nyiso.com
204.152.47.133
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://search.msn.com/results.asp?RS=CHECKED&Form=HM&cp=1252&v=1&q=nudeism
Obviously this one is doing scholarly research into the important issue of nudeism. Obviously.
Sat Nov 6 21:34:29 2004
adsl-2-34-162.mia.bellsouth.net
65.2.34.162
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_02_01_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.yoogee.com/query/?lt=14&q=www. lemonparty.org&cls=wsi25&rid=c01
Okay, I really did think the lemon party.com search was stupid, but this utterly outclasses that distant memory. Now this fellow wants a site that links to lemonparty.org, but has "www" somewhere, just in case. Just in case of what? What possible improvement is this over a search simply for "www.lemonparty.org" or, heaven forbid, simply "lemonparty.org?" Why would it possibly matter whether or not the page has the letters "www" on it somewhere? How can someone who so obviously "doesn't get it" be using Internet to search for Lemon Party? This level of idiocy should be alien to anywhere but the judicial bench. I suppose I should have known bby the search engine. Who the fuck uses yoogee.com?
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
Rusty Hinges
If you read yesterday's update (and who wouldn't?) you'd know that there is a bit of a feud between me and your favorite somewhat inconsistent speller, turtle_07. That's the same way I figured out about it. It was a stab in the back, a shot in the dark, a literary Pearl Harbor. He launched his words up off the runway like Zeros while I foolishly welcomed him in, assuming those radar blips to be the B-52s I was expecting. The Zeros arrive and suddenly, with no warning, my warships are being strafed by dwarves. It was shocking, and it was demeaning. I've decided to fight fire with fire, and attached to this brief introductory metaphor is a set of replies to all his heinous allegations. Read on and see for yourself who the real culprit is.
Part the first, wherein I shamelessly copy turtle_07's shamelessly copied style and present the first ten retorts
1. "Odovaucer wasn't actually the first poster of lemon party, our humble blog was actually started by Djquickcool27, but Djquickcool27 was unfortunately the trusting type. He gave Odovaucer an admin posting account and before you could say 'troglodyte, Djquickcool27 is one' he had disappeared from the blog forever."
Trust me, if you had read anything dJqUIcKcoOl27 wrote you'd have wanted to gouge out your eyes with your toenails. Also, I didn't just wipe him from the blog, try googling his name.
2. "Whereas most people aren't dumb enough to use their real name as their screen name, Odovaucer is different. He thinks that he can lead you off the trail by changing the spelling of his name slightly. Google search for Odovacer Ostrogoth, you'll see that our friend has a colorful history. HOW MANY HAVE YOU KILLED? HOW MANY?"
As everyone knows, Google is never wrong.
3. "Odovaucer abandoned his platoon in Vietnam. Going into the brush and shooting himself three times in the foot Odovaucer crawled back to camp crying. After receiving the three purple hearts necessary to leave Vietnam he was out of there. No one from his platoon survived."
Ha-HA! If no one from my platoon survived how am I here typing this retort? It would appear one member of my platoon survived, thus completely invalidating all elements of his so-called "shocking thing about Odovaucer."
4. "Odovaucer uses his political influence to start wars in countries that you've never heard of. Worried about getting drafted? Don't blame the President. Blame Odovaucer."
Nope, sorry. I you're worried about getting drafted you have no one to blame but yourself. No one else can make you worry abotu anything, it's your own damn fault you're such a pussy.
5. A long time ago when I was wondering in the woods I came across a stump. Seeing as it was high noon and I was getting hungry, I placed my delicious lunch on the stump and then found a comfortable rock. I sat down and began to eat my lunch. I had but started when a man in a long black robe approached me. He asked if he could have a biscuit. Being the kind of person that I am I gave him one. Upon getting his biscuit he left without saying 'thank you'. That person was Odovaucer.
That is a dirty lie. Never once have I taken a biscuit from him. In fact, as far as I know, he has never eaten a biscuit in his life. I deny any allegations of taking a biscuit from him that day in woods by the stump that I was wearing a long black robe and left without saying thank you. And if he can't even correctly recall what he was eating, how can you trust him on other matters?
6. If Odovaucer had Superman's powers, he would use them for evil.
I already have Superman's powers, and if I already have Superman's powers gaining them again would in no way influence me to begin using them for evil. It's just common sense people.
7. Terrorist groups actually answer to Odovaucer. He's the leader of every single one of them. He caused all terrorist-related things to happen as well as poisoned the milk in your breasts (if you're a girl).
Though it is true that the milk in your breasts is poisonous, I deny that I poisoned them. True, the poisoning of your breastmilk was the direct result of my machinations. The primary definition of "poison" over at Merriam-Webster is "A. to injure or kill with poison." I sumit that the milk in your breasts is uninjured and very much alive.
8. Odovaucer is a vampire. He robs people of their inner essence (AND BLOOD).
Once again we turn to Merriam Webster. A vampire is "the reanimated body of a dead person believed to come from the grave at night and suck the blood of persons asleep." I, dear reader, am very much alive. Would the walking dead take time out of its busy schedule to help you in your blogging? I think not.
9. Odovaucer wrote this fanfic.
Obviously this is false as that work of "fan fiction" is in fact on Internet, and as it is on Internet it was clearly typed. Now it is possible that I wrote it out longhand before, but that is a dubious possibility. No one puts their work in writing of they're just going to type it up for mass consumption. It's inefficient and tedious.
10. Odovaucer calls me a fag a lot.
I do not call turtle_07 a "fag" a lot. I call him a "faggot" with some regularity, but that is an entirely different word, with a perfectly unique meaning.
Part the second in which I edit screen names into turtle_07's very non-fake chatlog
FearMeOrPerish3: Hey dude
FearMeOrPerish2: Hello Odovaucer, I was just about to go off and help old ladies across the street.
FearMeOrPerish3: That's cool. Hey look, I'm going to kill the presidents
FearMeOrPerish2: go ahead... wait what? presidents?
FearMeOrPerish3: Not dubya, I'm going to go back in time and kill all of the presidents that everyone liked.
FearMeOrPerish2: Like Taft?
FearMeOrPerish3: No, not like Taft
Part the third in which I question turtle_07's self image
He says I touch him in bad places. I'll have yuo know that to me the human body is a work of art: it has no bad places. The human body is a wondrous and lovely thing to be respected and loved. That turtle_07 thinks that his body has "bad places" shows a very telling lack of self-respect. And if you can't love your own body what can you love? It would seem that turtle_07 is a very depressed person. I think we should pay close attention to him; he may try to kill himself. We should pity his mental instability, not make fun of him for it.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Monday, November 08, 2004
Odovaucer is a big dumb smelly head
In case you were actually reading this blog, you would notice that Odovaucer and I had a small argument in the comments of my previous update. I refuse to stand back as Odovaucer defames my good name... so I decided to do the same thing to him. Not defame his good name... just to tell all of our readers the truth about the so called 'first poster' of Lemon Party.
Part the first wherein I tell you all ten shocking things about Odovaucer
1) Odovaucer wasn't actually the first poster of lemon party, our humble blog was actually started by Djquickcool27, but Djquickcool27 was unfortunately the trusting type. He gave Odovaucer an admin posting account and before you could say "troglodyte, Djquickcool27 is one" he had disappeared from the blog forever.
2) Whereas most people aren't dumb enough to use their real name as their screen name, Odovaucer is different. He thinks that he can lead you off the trail by changing the spelling of his name slightly. Google search for Odovacer Ostrogoth, you'll see that our friend has a colorful history. HOW MANY HAVE YOU KILLED? HOW MANY?
3) Odovaucer abandoned his platoon in Vietnam. Going into the brush and shooting himself three times in the foot Odovaucer crawled back to camp crying. After receiving the three purple hearts necessary to leave Vietnam he was out of there. No one from his platoon survived.
4) Odovaucer uses his political influence to start wars in countries that you've never heard of. Worried about getting drafted? Don't blame the President. Blame Odovaucer.
5) A long time ago when I was wondering in the woods I came across a stump. Seeing as it was high noon and I was getting hungry, I placed my delicious lunch on the stump and then found a comfortable rock. I sat down and began to eat my lunch. I had but started when a man in a long black robe approached me. He asked if he could have a biscuit. Being the kind of person that I am I gave him one. Upon getting his biscuit he left without saying 'thank you'. That person was Odovaucer.
6) If Odovaucer had Superman's powers, he would use them for evil.
7) Terrorist groups actually answer to Odovaucer. He's the leader of every single one of them. He caused all terrorist-related things to happen as well as poison the milk in your breasts (if you're a girl).
8) Odovaucer is a vampire. He robs people of their inner essence (AND BLOOD) (Apparently I'm not the type of vampire that steals one's "pycshic" energy - Odovaucer).
9) Odovaucer wrote this fanfic.
10) Odovaucer calls me a fag a lot.
Part the second in which I post a very non-fake chatlog
I have edited out both of our screen names so that you won't message us and bother us as we are both very busy (Odovaucer is busy with evil).
Odovaucer: Hey dude
turtle_07: Hello Odovaucer, I was just about to go off and help old ladies across the street.
Odovaucer: That's cool. Hey look, I'm going to kill the presidents
turtle_07: go ahead... wait what? presidents?
Odovaucer: Not dubya, I'm going to go back in time and kill all of the presidents that everyone liked.
turtle_07: Like Taft?
Odovaucer: No, not like Taft
Odovaucer then set his status to away with this away message:
I'm going to go alter history for evil. Stalin was a cool guy.
Part the third wherein I tell you all that Odovaucer touches me in bad places
Odovaucer touches me in bad places.
I'm so sorry Odovaucer, I just couldn't keep it inside anymore. If I mysteriously disappear it's because Odovaucer is angry that I revealed the truth about him.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Friday, November 05, 2004
O World-Weary Electorate, What Hath Thou Wrought?
The election is over and I, like many liberals, am saddened and scared by the fact that Bush was re-elected. Over the next four years I fear for my safety, not only because I'm afraid of what Bush will do (Oh, come on, the apocalypse isn't such a bad thing, is it? - Odovaucer), but also because I'm afraid of what this election meant. I, like many, noticed that the voter turnout in this election was huge, far huger than a cow, or even an elephant.
Some people would see this a good thing because it means that America really feels strongly about politics and will work for reform, some see it as a bad thing because it means that conservatives outnumber us liberals. I, however, see it as a terrible thing. The increase in people's brain usage will soon attract a number of unsavory characters to the fray, most noticeably, vampires.
If the internet has taught me anything, it's that vampires don't just drink blood. They drink blood, psychic energy (No that's not how he thought "psychic" was spelled - Odovaucer, ever amused by his colleagues' spelling catastrophes), and the melodies of bad music. Huge online communities of these buggers have taught me many things, such as the aforementioned. What else it has taught me is never to trust vampires. Sure on the forums they all talk about getting a willing blood donor and not hurting anyone, but I've seen the movies! These fuckers were just waiting for a moment like this, a moment when our psychic (mental) energy was at an apex, so that they can swoop in and steal it.
S
ure we don't notice anything now, but that's because they're crafty... very, very crafty. Pretty soon liberals will start dropping dead. Not because of stress or GOP assassins, but because the God-damned commie pinko shit-eating vampires have taken away all of our psychic energy! What's psychic energy? Who the fuck knows, but I'm sure I need it.
Okay, yes, I'm angry. But I think that I have good reason to be angry, if some skinny gothic reject covered in pimples and white face paint wants to suck out all of my psychic energy and actually SUCCEEDS than today is truly a sad day for America.
Well, the election is over, and I have been vindicated. Now I had a little help from the Diebold corporation, but it is still possible that Bush won the election fair and square. Now you may have thought that I was being facetious in my support of Bush for his apocalyptic tendencies, but here's a bit of reading on the Republican establishment and Bush in particular. And there's plenty more where that came from. Maybe you'll pay a little more attention next time, if there is a next time. - Odovaucer
Second edit as my first was deleted, the 'spelling catastrophes' as Odovaucer calls them are the result of publishing my post before I proofread it. Odovaucer is trying harder and harder to cover up that little fact. Perhaps he's hiding something deeper... darker... or perhaps he just wants to be more like his idle. - turtle_07
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks (and our president wants the world to end so that he can ascend in the Rapture).
Thursday, November 04, 2004
I Figure You've Got Eight Colonies Worth of Nudeists By Now
Can you believe it? This is the eighth Nudeist Colony. Sure enough we still have plenty of referrer logs to peruse, so we'll be filling up another day with nudeists. I know you can't wait for the logs, so let's hop to.
Mon Oct 18 15:33:06 2004
proxyche02.or4.marketscore.com
170.224.224.154
http://www.lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://search.msn.com/results.aspx?FORM=SMCRT&q=nudeist
Gosh, this fellow used MSN to search for the term "nudeist." Stunning.
Mon Oct 18 20:03:50 2004
English (United States)
md-wmnsmd-cuda2-c3a-a-151.chvlva.adelphia.net
68.65.114.151
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://results.searchscout.com/search?b=26341&m=MzQ3MjYyMTAz&t=1000122167&d=1000122167&k=nudeist&c=
This particular log is history in the making. Those of you who haven't been following the nudeist colony since its inception might not know this, but this our very first hit from searchscout.com! Of course it's from a semi-literate searching for ladies without any clothes on, but I'm going to concentrate on the positives right now.
Tue Oct 19 14:21:26 2004
English (United States)
adsl-65-43-135-238.dsl.sfldmi.ameritech.net
65.43.135.238
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2003_12_07_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.msn.com/results.asp?RS=CHECKED&FORM=MSNH&v=1&&q=nudeist&f=g.msn.com%2F0USHP%2F1016%3F
Yes another hit from a good old fashioned nudeist fan. This one is notable because this chap went through six pages of our archives in search of some hot hot nudeist action. Sucker.
Tue Oct 19 15:09:40 2004
English (United Kingdom)
nott-cache-8.server.ntli.net
62.254.0.36
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://uk.search.msn.com/results.aspx?cp=1252&FORM=MSNH&cp=28592&q=nudeist
Did you see how I used the word "chap" in the previous blurb? Well that was because we've got us an Englishman here in the very next one. That's foreshadowing for you kids at home keeping score. This one viewed seven different pages of our distinguished little site.
Tue Oct 19 19:48:07 2004
English (United States)
rrcs-67-52-173-159.west.biz.rr.com
67.52.173.159
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://search.msn.com/results.aspx?FORM=SMCRT&q=nudeist%20colony
Yep, we're getting more and more hits for colonies of nudeists. Apparently you're getting greedy. Just one nudeist isn't enough to hold you; oh no, you want more. Well you can't have more. At least not here. Not ever here. Never here. Never forget. Never forget that Lemon Party is a nudeist-free zone.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks, and there are no pictures of nudeists here.
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Voting and You
Let's be honest, politics are scary. It seems like the more you know the worse and worse it gets. The radio, the TV, the newspaper all reveal to us on a daily basis what sort of evils go on behind our backs. Promises of puppy dogs and candy pops eventually give way to rabid puppy dogs and poison candy pops. Politicians suck.
First off you have our current president, George W Bush (while Odovaucer might endorse him, I do not). This is a man who has done nothing in office it seems but screw over America and go to war (for the good of America). Our education is gone, but at least we're kicking some commie ass over in Iraq, oh yeah, you're going to be drafted to. Wonderful, just wonderful. Every single day I wake up and I get angrier and angrier. More and more information comes out about how terrible Bush is, you can't escape it, it's everywhere.
Before I go into Kerry, I'm going to be honest. I don't follow Kerry was much as I do Bush, I think that he's a better candidate. Now that doesn't mean for one instant that he is, it's just my opinion. As much as I think that Bush twists the truth, surely something he's said about Kerry must be true, and given that he's said a whole lot about Kerry there's got to be a good deal of bad. Kerry has a record, and it's not all good.
Are these the kind of people that you want running your country? I'm honestly not sure how you could (without blind faith) support either one of these people. Time and time again we (the voters... err... well technically I'm not 'legally' allowed to vote) extend our faith and each time we're ripped to shreds by the cuisinart of life. It's come to the point where I'm afraid to even look out the window without hearing about how Kerry/Bush made a deal with the devil and they lied and now we're all going to die! I for one, am sick of it.
unfortunately the age old idea that 'all politicians are liars' is true. There is no getting around it; every politicians has done something terrible/will lie to us and fuck us over. Luckily for us however, not all age old ideas are bad. Some are in fact very, very good... some in fact... will save us. You see my friends, ignorance is bliss.
Our salvation? Badnarik. Don't know who he is? Good. Ok... maybe not good. He's the libertarian candidate. However knowing nothing else about his is good, ignorance is bliss as I said. The main stream media doesn't seem to cover him, you only hear about him in passing, it's fantastic. Fantastic for you I mean, I'm not just making fun of him. I'll go into more detail. I've already told you all that politicians lie and we all agree with that. You'll notice however that we have no idea who this Badnarik is, we haven't heard of him. As long as we don't know what his campaign is based on we can't be lied to because we didn't know what he promised in the first place!
It's perfect! I mean we can't stop politicians from lying and screwing us over, but at least we can stop being lied to. If all outcomes are the same, if eventually we will reach that large black hole, then we might as well go there feeling like we weren't cheated out of our candy.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Monday, November 01, 2004
Select Your President Elect
Tomorrow is election day. Election day. Say that one out loud: election day. Don't worry about whether your coworkers hear you. Forget your cares, because it's the happiest day of the year.
That's what we're going to refer to as "bullshit." First off, when you read this election day will most likely be, in fact, "today" or even "yesterday," or even "a while back." It is also important to remember that November 2, 2004 will not be a happy day. About half the country will see their candidate of choice lose and, consequently, the hated opposition leader in the White House for the next four years. Not that the winners have it easy. The anticipation, the nervousness, the uncertainty will be painful. Chances are the results will be contested for weeks or months, and many will contend that the election was rigged for years to come. (It's not what you think.)
Still, it is of the utmost importance that you go out and vote, despite the unpleasantness that will come from investing in the political process. Today I'm going to make a quick analysis of the contenders and then pick for which candidate you'll be voting. First and foremost we have Michael Badnarik, the Libertarian Party's candidate. Actually we don't. Michael Badnarik is of absolutely zero interest to us. The same is true of Independent Ralph Nader and the Green Party fellow, David Cobb. I think the Constitution Party has mustered a candidate too, but I won't even bother looking him up. The important thing is that I'm just as likely a winner on November 2 as they are.
There are only two candidates to choose from: George W. Bush and John F. Kerry. Both candidates have their advantages. Kerry is for affirmative action, social security, realistic foreign policy, and gay rights. Bush is for Jesus, preemptive war, tax cuts, and the end of overtime pay. Now those lists might look to you to be a bit in John Kerry's favor. That is, however, because those lists aren't quite complete. President George W. Bush has presided over, so far, the terrorist attacks on 9/11, the wholesale annihilation of America's forests under "Healthy Forests" initiatives the pollution of the atmosphere with the "Clear Skies" programs, the weakening of the education system known as "No Child Left Behind," the removal of STD preventive information from government websites, passed the PATRIOT Act, a piece of legislation extremely damaging to American civil liberties, squashed dissent in a variety of inventively illegal and immoral ways, and an unjustified preemptive war in Iraq of steadily mounting casualties that has eroded what was left of America's international reputation.
It is because of these things that I have decided that Dubya is far more likely to awaken the world-devouring Elder God Cthulhu or just cause an apocalypse entirely of his own design. True, you could just vote for the source, but that won't get him any closer to a waking state. The awakening of Cthulhu is of the utmost importance because it is the ONLY way to deal with the world's critical mass of idiots. We've had hundreds of years for education to fix the problem nonviolently, and I think we can reasonably conclude that most you are simply incorrigibly stupid. So vote Bush on November second so we can dispense with this awful, pointless existence.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.