The Importance of Being Earnest
What is it about existence that makes cling to it so tenaciously? Why is it that suicide is a crime, a sin, and generally a considered a poor plan? How many rhetorical questions am I going to pack into this introduction to what will obviously be a lengthy tirade on the stupidity of Internet users? The answers are, in reverse order, three, see #1, and see #2.

That seems to have been a bit of a cop-out doesn't? It is. We'll deal with those questions, though, mark my words. I'm going to go out on a limb and assume my readers understand the basic theoretical of suicide, so instead I'll start with a suprisingly blog-like exposition.

Earlier today I saw the new movie Hero. It was maudlin and tiresome. Every character cried more than Odysseus. The action scenes were straight out of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. I personally found that movie equally self-indulgent and gracefully impossible fight scenes awful. If I pay to see people fight I want to see them fight, not perform ballets on tree branches and lakes. A number of the characters end up killing themselves (Which in my mind, would have been much better had they done it earlier and with less posturing and wretched dialogue), and the flick's oppressive atmosphere of tedium was, to put it lightly, a bit depressing. I was starting to wish for something to stab my eyes and ears out with, but, alas, I was without blade. I did, however, have a box of Ranch Wheat Thins. I consumed said box of Wheat Thins. The only pleasant thing I can say about the movie was that those Wheat Thins were quite good.

Wheat Thins are too cheery for right now. Strike them from your mind. For now. Tommorrow you should go buy a box, but for now revel in my misery. So after Hero I'm feeling rather unpleasant, so I decide put my narrative into the present tense. It looks awful. Hero was bad and cost eight dollars, which was indeed unfortunate, but not wrist-slashing awful. It did, however, leave me stewing in my les refined thoughts. Yes, even I have moments of weakness. My answer was to play whiny music and write about suicide.

I've caught you up to the present, so I suppose it's time to deal with the aforementioned topic. Suicide. Suicide has a truly bizarre notoriety. The primary religion in the United States and in most English-speaking nations is Christianity, which, in most of its forms, considers suicide sinful. The industrialized world has, for the most part, declared suicide a crime. This is an absurd concept. Think about it. How do you punish someone who has committed suicide? It has the dubious distinction of being the only crime one can only be convicted of if one has failed at it. If you deal with a psychologist or a psychiatrist you will probably notice that those professionals have a rather low opinion of suicide. Ending one's own existence seems antithetical to the modern world.

Then why is it glorified?

Don't try to deny it. Self-sacrifice is universally accepted as virtuous, yet what is suicide but the sacrifice of self? Soldiers who perform missions that they know they won't return from are "heroes." Firefighters, police officers, people who perform tasks that have a high likelihood of causing their deaths are lauded, yet what are they doing but kiling themselves? How many movies have you seen wherein a character who kills himself, or allows himself to die through inaction is portrayed as heroic?

Do think of Kurt Cobain and Elliot Smith as criminals? You probably don't care so much about that as their music. And your opinion of their music probably isn't adversely affected by their suicides. Now turn things around just a little bit. Ever heard of a band called Judas Priest? They hadan album called "Stained Glass," once upon a time. That album contained a song "Better by You Better Than Me." That song contained a subliminal message: the words "Do it." A pair of teenagers tried to kill themselves after listening to the album. One succeeded; the other died to complications from drugs three years later. Outraged parents took the band to the court. There were record burnings. In more recent memory, the band Blink 182 put out a track called "Adam's Song" that was looped on the CD player of a suicide. Outrage.

Interesting isn't it? No one seems particularly upset about the individuals who commited suicide. But influencing someone towards suicide, that's practically satanic. Now that does, to a certain extent, make some sense. If killing yourself is such a hot plan why haven't you done it? But there's not much outrage at the old men at the Pentagon who tell young men to go kill themselves in foreign entanglements.

There are clearly contradictions in the opinion on suicide. Most of it is bullshit. Suicide is very simple if approached logically. Think of it as economics. Economics isn't just about money, surprisingly enough. The most important lesson of basic of economics is the relative value of alternatives. Suppose you like pizza and tacos, but you prefer tacos. All other variables equal you'll be eating tacos tonight. But what if we change something. Say tacos cost $10 and pizza costs $5. Pizza's starting to look a bit more attractive, isn't it? In order to decide what you're going to eat you need to weigh how much tastier you find tacos and how much money you can afford to spend. Pretty straight forward, but it becomes a bit obfuscated when you start adding questions of supply and demand, questions of ethics, more choices, etc.

None of that matters right now. Simply put, if you expect the continuation of your existence will be more painful than pleasant it's in your best interest to kill yourself. Of course it's a little more complicated, since you'll probably want to factor in the pain of death, the reactions of those around, and your imperfect information on what will happen in your future.

At the moment I do consider suicide my best option so I won't be killing myself. But your situation may be different. If you write things like "nudeist" or "increadibly," then realize that poping sleeping pills is probably a public service. But don't use the Hemingway Solution. That's reserved for your betters.




And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 10:55 PM