Tripping the Light Fantastic
As you may have noticed, turtle_07 and I have been involved in a bit of a quarrel. The exact cause of this quarrel has been shrouded by the mists of time, but nevertheless we battle on. Similarly, we once decided to a settle a dispute via a Yahtzee match. In the time since July 13 we have decided that our match will be best two out of three. The actual match has yet to begin. I hope that will give you an insight into the debate that is currently raging between Lemon Party's two premier Lemon Jockeys. With no further ado, I present counter-counter-rebuttals. For clarities sake all turtle_07's scurrilous accusations have been italicized, and all the brand-new never-before-seen counter-counter-rebuttals are in bold.

Part the first

1. Odovaucer wasn't actually the first poster of lemon party, our humble blog was actually started by Djquickcool27, but Djquickcool27 was unfortunately the trusting type. He gave Odovaucer an admin posting account and before you could say 'troglodyte, Djquickcool27 is one' he had disappeared from the blog forever. - turtle_07

Odovaucer said: Trust me, if you had read anything dJqUIcKcoOl27 wrote you'd have wanted to gouge out your eyes with your toenails. Also, I didn't just wipe him from the blog, try googling his name.

His name doesn't exist, probably because you wiped his name off the very face of the internet, good job incriminating yourself jackface. - turtle_07

I have since checked the Wayback Machine, the official Internet archive. There has never been a dJqUIcKcoOl27 on Internet. Ever.

2. Whereas most people aren't dumb enough to use their real name as their screen name, Odovaucer is different. He thinks that he can lead you off the trail by changing the spelling of his name slightly. Google search for Odovacer Ostrogoth, you'll see that our friend has a colorful history. HOW MANY HAVE YOU KILLED? HOW MANY? - turtle_07

Odovaucer said: As everyone knows, Google is never wrong.

No, but it appears that I am. In an amazing display of trickery Odovaucer made me believe that his last name was Ostrogoth, not that it was simply a placed that he was somehow tied to. Not tied to literally, but figuratively as it is known to have importance to him. Try removing those quotation marks Mr. Sassypants.


If you run the google search Mr. turtle_07 suggests you shall find something interesting in what is, at this posting, the second result. This site says, and I quote, "The Christian Ostrogoth (if indeed he was an Ostrogoth) Odovacer..." And if you were to check some of the other results more closely you will find that the term Ostrogoth is more often associated with other individuals appearing on those pages, not Odovacer.

3. Odovaucer abandoned his platoon in Vietnam. Going into the brush and shooting himself three times in the foot Odovaucer crawled back to camp crying. After receiving the three purple hearts necessary to leave Vietnam he was out of there. No one from his platoon survived.

Odovaucer said: Ha-HA! If no one from my platoon survived how am I here typing this retort? It would appear one member of my platoon survived, thus completely invalidating all elements of his so-called "shocking thing about Odovaucer."

Not really, if you'll please direct your attention to number 8, I believe that I call you a vampire. You didn't survive. How your incredible dumbosity invalidates my entire argument I don't know. - turtle_07

Surely that would be a must excellent point, had it not been so patently ridiculous. You see although he did call me a vampire, I am not one. Therefore I could quite easily have survived.

4. Odovaucer uses his political influence to start wars in countries that you've never heard of. Worried about getting drafted? Don't blame the President. Blame Odovaucer. - turtle_07

Odovaucer said: Nope, sorry. I you're worried about getting drafted you have no one to blame but yourself. No one else can make you worry about anything, it's your own damn fault you're such a pussy.

Ever heard of marketing? You're using your political influence to market fear, and we all know that these people will buy anything... even your heinous lies. Only 1 dollar for PAIN! - turtle_07

I have indeed heard of marketing, and I can even define it. Let's see you do this, turtle_07!

1 a : the act or process of selling or purchasing in a market b : the process or technique of promoting, selling, and distributing a product or service



5. A long time ago when I was wondering in the woods I came across a stump. Seeing as it was high noon and I was getting hungry, I placed my delicious lunch on the stump and then found a comfortable rock. I sat down and began to eat my lunch. I had but started when a man in a long black robe approached me. He asked if he could have a biscuit. Being the kind of person that I am I gave him one. Upon getting his biscuit he left without saying 'thank you'. That person was Odovaucer. - turtle_07

Odovaucer Said: That is a dirty lie. Never once have I taken a biscuit from him. In fact, as far as I know, he has never eaten a biscuit in his life. I deny any allegations of taking a biscuit from him that day in woods by the stump that I was wearing a long black robe and left without saying thank you. And if he can't even correctly recall what he was eating, how can you trust him on other matters?

I eat biscuits all the time, just because you can't recall those times doesn't make me a liar. - turtle_07

turtle_07 has hoped to stymie me by directly contradicting my quite valid point. turtle_07 must think he's awfully clever, but you and I both know that until he shows us a digital image of himself eating a biscuit we cannot believe his calumnous assertions.

6. If Odovaucer had Superman's powers, he would use them for evil. - turtle_07

Odovaucer Said: I already have Superman's powers, and if I already have Superman's powers gaining them again would in no way influence me to begin using them for evil. That's just common sense people.

This is a flat out lie. Odovaucer died in Nam, he admitted that no one from his platoon survived. However since he is still posting he must be the walking dead (#8), and since the only people who have superman's powers are supermen, or those from the planet Krypton. And since none of those have ever been documented to be walking dead (people know everything about Krypton, don't say that well they missed it Odovaucer), then I must conclude that you're a big fat liar. - turtle_07

Is it not delightfully ironic that turtle_07 accuses me of a "flat out lie" when he himself is actually guilty of one such untruth in the very next statement? Look back for yourself, I never said that I had died in 'Nam. Never. Not once. Search Internet for one instance of Odovaucer writing about his death in 'Nam and you'll come up completely empty-handed. Since turtle_07 concludes that people who tell "flat out lies" are "big fat liars" we have no choice but to label him a "big fat liar.

7. Terrorist groups actually answer to Odovaucer. He's the leader of every single one of them. He caused all terrorist-related things to happen as well as poisoned the milk in your breasts (if you're a girl). - turtle_07

Odovaucer Said: Though it is true that the milk in your breasts is poisonous, I deny that I poisoned them. True, the poisoning of your breastmilk was the direct result of my machinations. The primary definition of "poison" over at Merriam-Webster is "A. to injure or kill with poison." I sumit that the milk in your breasts is uninjured and very much alive.

How would you know? - turtle_07

I really thought he would have been able to figure that out for himself. However I suppose I have no choice but to cite my source: Merriam-Webster.com. At least we have that cleared up now.

8. Odovaucer is a vampire. He robs people of their inner essence (AND BLOOD). - turtle_07

Odovaucer Said: Once again we turn to Merriam Webster. A vampire is "the reanimated body of a dead person believed to come from the grave at night and suck the blood of persons asleep." I, dear reader, am very much alive. Would the walking dead take time out of its busy schedule to help you in your blogging? I think not.

Vampires don't have busy schedules, you sleep, you drink blood, and you seduce countless maidens. Over the centuries however I'm sure that it got awful lonely, so you started a blog to talk about your feelings. - turtle_07

I suppose this is forgivable as I had not published the Lemon Party retrospective when turtle_07 wrote this. It still seems a bit peculiar that he isn't clear on the origins of the very blog he calls home.

9. Odovaucer wrote this fanfic. - turtle_07

Odovaucer Said: Obviously this is false as that work of "fan fiction" is in fact on Internet, and as it is on Internet it was clearly typed. Now it is possible that I wrote it out longhand before, but that is a dubious possibility. No one puts their work in writing of they're just going to type it up for mass consumption. It's inefficient and tedious.

I never said that you yourself put it on the internet, I just said that you wrote it. Of course the fact that you have to 'defend' yourself from my supposed allegations means that you probably wrote it and loved it so much that you had to find it a more permanent home on FFN. - turtle_07

He raises points, but not valid ones. He has yet to posit a convincing argument for my actually writing this grotesque abomination of prose. If we are to use an online dictionary in our efforts to understand turtle_07's vicious attacks, we have no choice but to conclude that turtle_07 has no way of defending his wildly reckless attempt to discredit me. Click the link and notice the stringent definition of "to write." The ball is in his court to prove that I actually put that despicable waste of words on paper.

10. Odovaucer calls me a fag a lot. - turtle_07

Odovaucer Said: I do not call turtle_07 a "fag" a lot. I call him a "faggot" with some regularity, but that is an entirely different word, with a perfectly unique meaning.

I suppose for once in his miserable existence Odovaucer is right. I retract #10 and wish to replace it with this:

10. Odovaucer hits me a lot. - turtle_07

Sorry, but no dice. It's too late to make new allegations, you're stuck with the ones you started with. It's not my problem that you made them all up.

Part the second

Odovaucer: Hey dude
turtle_07: Hello Odovaucer, I was just about to go off and help old ladies across the street.
Odovaucer: That's cool. Hey look, I'm going to kill the presidents
turtle_07: go ahead... wait what? presidents?
Odovaucer: Not dubya, I'm going to go back in time and kill all of the presidents that everyone liked.
turtle_07: Like Taft?
Odovaucer: No, not like Taft

I didn't post the rest of the chatlog, the part after he came back from being away

Odovaucer: I'm back dude
turtle_07: How did it go?
Odovaucer: Taft was able to defeat me in armed combat.
turtle_07: Wow, you're a pussy
Odovaucer is no longer available

-turtle_07

First turtle_07 asserts that I aim to go back in time and kill a number of U.S. Presidents, but not Taft. Then he asserts that I attempted to travel through time in order to kill Taft. That's a logical inconsistency, folks. His entire story is fundamentally flawed, which means it is extremely likely that he is making it up as he goes along. Once again we see that turtle_07 is the real villain.

Part the third

Odovaucer Said: He says I touch him in bad places. I'll have you know that to me the human body is a work of art: it has no bad places. The human body is a wondrous and lovely thing to be respected and loved. That turtle_07 thinks that his body has "bad places" shows a very telling lack of self-respect. And if you can't love your own body what can you love? It would seem that turtle_07 is a very depressed person. I think we should pay close attention to him; he may try to kill himself. We should pity his mental instability, not make fun of him for it.

The human body is a wondrous and amazing thing. I was referring to the parts that you created and then bonded to my flesh with sinister magicks and evil sciences. - turtle_07

That was quite eloquent. His adjectives are impeccably storied without being cliched. I truly laud this short paragraph from a literary standpoint. Obviously the ideas expressed are rubish, but the writing is really something special.



And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 1:15 PM