Rusty Hinges
If you read yesterday's update (and who wouldn't?) you'd know that there is a bit of a feud between me and your favorite somewhat inconsistent speller, turtle_07. That's the same way I figured out about it. It was a stab in the back, a shot in the dark, a literary Pearl Harbor. He launched his words up off the runway like Zeros while I foolishly welcomed him in, assuming those radar blips to be the B-52s I was expecting. The Zeros arrive and suddenly, with no warning, my warships are being strafed by dwarves. It was shocking, and it was demeaning. I've decided to fight fire with fire, and attached to this brief introductory metaphor is a set of replies to all his heinous allegations. Read on and see for yourself who the real culprit is.

Part the first, wherein I shamelessly copy turtle_07's shamelessly copied style and present the first ten retorts

1. "Odovaucer wasn't actually the first poster of lemon party, our humble blog was actually started by Djquickcool27, but Djquickcool27 was unfortunately the trusting type. He gave Odovaucer an admin posting account and before you could say 'troglodyte, Djquickcool27 is one' he had disappeared from the blog forever."

Trust me, if you had read anything dJqUIcKcoOl27 wrote you'd have wanted to gouge out your eyes with your toenails. Also, I didn't just wipe him from the blog, try googling his name.

2. "Whereas most people aren't dumb enough to use their real name as their screen name, Odovaucer is different. He thinks that he can lead you off the trail by changing the spelling of his name slightly. Google search for Odovacer Ostrogoth, you'll see that our friend has a colorful history. HOW MANY HAVE YOU KILLED? HOW MANY?"

As everyone knows, Google is never wrong.

3. "Odovaucer abandoned his platoon in Vietnam. Going into the brush and shooting himself three times in the foot Odovaucer crawled back to camp crying. After receiving the three purple hearts necessary to leave Vietnam he was out of there. No one from his platoon survived."

Ha-HA! If no one from my platoon survived how am I here typing this retort? It would appear one member of my platoon survived, thus completely invalidating all elements of his so-called "shocking thing about Odovaucer."

4. "Odovaucer uses his political influence to start wars in countries that you've never heard of. Worried about getting drafted? Don't blame the President. Blame Odovaucer."

Nope, sorry. I you're worried about getting drafted you have no one to blame but yourself. No one else can make you worry abotu anything, it's your own damn fault you're such a pussy.

5. A long time ago when I was wondering in the woods I came across a stump. Seeing as it was high noon and I was getting hungry, I placed my delicious lunch on the stump and then found a comfortable rock. I sat down and began to eat my lunch. I had but started when a man in a long black robe approached me. He asked if he could have a biscuit. Being the kind of person that I am I gave him one. Upon getting his biscuit he left without saying 'thank you'. That person was Odovaucer.

That is a dirty lie. Never once have I taken a biscuit from him. In fact, as far as I know, he has never eaten a biscuit in his life. I deny any allegations of taking a biscuit from him that day in woods by the stump that I was wearing a long black robe and left without saying thank you. And if he can't even correctly recall what he was eating, how can you trust him on other matters?

6. If Odovaucer had Superman's powers, he would use them for evil.

I already have Superman's powers, and if I already have Superman's powers gaining them again would in no way influence me to begin using them for evil. It's just common sense people.

7. Terrorist groups actually answer to Odovaucer. He's the leader of every single one of them. He caused all terrorist-related things to happen as well as poisoned the milk in your breasts (if you're a girl).

Though it is true that the milk in your breasts is poisonous, I deny that I poisoned them. True, the poisoning of your breastmilk was the direct result of my machinations. The primary definition of "poison" over at Merriam-Webster is "A. to injure or kill with poison." I sumit that the milk in your breasts is uninjured and very much alive.

8. Odovaucer is a vampire. He robs people of their inner essence (AND BLOOD).

Once again we turn to Merriam Webster. A vampire is "the reanimated body of a dead person believed to come from the grave at night and suck the blood of persons asleep." I, dear reader, am very much alive. Would the walking dead take time out of its busy schedule to help you in your blogging? I think not.

9. Odovaucer wrote this fanfic.

Obviously this is false as that work of "fan fiction" is in fact on Internet, and as it is on Internet it was clearly typed. Now it is possible that I wrote it out longhand before, but that is a dubious possibility. No one puts their work in writing of they're just going to type it up for mass consumption. It's inefficient and tedious.

10. Odovaucer calls me a fag a lot.

I do not call turtle_07 a "fag" a lot. I call him a "faggot" with some regularity, but that is an entirely different word, with a perfectly unique meaning.

Part the second in which I edit screen names into turtle_07's very non-fake chatlog



FearMeOrPerish3: Hey dude
FearMeOrPerish2: Hello Odovaucer, I was just about to go off and help old ladies across the street.
FearMeOrPerish3: That's cool. Hey look, I'm going to kill the presidents
FearMeOrPerish2: go ahead... wait what? presidents?
FearMeOrPerish3: Not dubya, I'm going to go back in time and kill all of the presidents that everyone liked.
FearMeOrPerish2: Like Taft?
FearMeOrPerish3: No, not like Taft

Part the third in which I question turtle_07's self image

He says I touch him in bad places. I'll have yuo know that to me the human body is a work of art: it has no bad places. The human body is a wondrous and lovely thing to be respected and loved. That turtle_07 thinks that his body has "bad places" shows a very telling lack of self-respect. And if you can't love your own body what can you love? It would seem that turtle_07 is a very depressed person. I think we should pay close attention to him; he may try to kill himself. We should pity his mental instability, not make fun of him for it.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 1:01 AM