Select Your President Elect
Tomorrow is election day. Election day. Say that one out loud: election day. Don't worry about whether your coworkers hear you. Forget your cares, because it's the happiest day of the year.

That's what we're going to refer to as "bullshit." First off, when you read this election day will most likely be, in fact, "today" or even "yesterday," or even "a while back." It is also important to remember that November 2, 2004 will not be a happy day. About half the country will see their candidate of choice lose and, consequently, the hated opposition leader in the White House for the next four years. Not that the winners have it easy. The anticipation, the nervousness, the uncertainty will be painful. Chances are the results will be contested for weeks or months, and many will contend that the election was rigged for years to come. (It's not what you think.)

Still, it is of the utmost importance that you go out and vote, despite the unpleasantness that will come from investing in the political process. Today I'm going to make a quick analysis of the contenders and then pick for which candidate you'll be voting. First and foremost we have Michael Badnarik, the Libertarian Party's candidate. Actually we don't. Michael Badnarik is of absolutely zero interest to us. The same is true of Independent Ralph Nader and the Green Party fellow, David Cobb. I think the Constitution Party has mustered a candidate too, but I won't even bother looking him up. The important thing is that I'm just as likely a winner on November 2 as they are.

There are only two candidates to choose from: George W. Bush and John F. Kerry. Both candidates have their advantages. Kerry is for affirmative action, social security, realistic foreign policy, and gay rights. Bush is for Jesus, preemptive war, tax cuts, and the end of overtime pay. Now those lists might look to you to be a bit in John Kerry's favor. That is, however, because those lists aren't quite complete. President George W. Bush has presided over, so far, the terrorist attacks on 9/11, the wholesale annihilation of America's forests under "Healthy Forests" initiatives the pollution of the atmosphere with the "Clear Skies" programs, the weakening of the education system known as "No Child Left Behind," the removal of STD preventive information from government websites, passed the PATRIOT Act, a piece of legislation extremely damaging to American civil liberties, squashed dissent in a variety of inventively illegal and immoral ways, and an unjustified preemptive war in Iraq of steadily mounting casualties that has eroded what was left of America's international reputation.

It is because of these things that I have decided that Dubya is far more likely to awaken the world-devouring Elder God Cthulhu or just cause an apocalypse entirely of his own design. True, you could just vote for the source, but that won't get him any closer to a waking state. The awakening of Cthulhu is of the utmost importance because it is the ONLY way to deal with the world's critical mass of idiots. We've had hundreds of years for education to fix the problem nonviolently, and I think we can reasonably conclude that most you are simply incorrigibly stupid. So vote Bush on November second so we can dispense with this awful, pointless existence.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 9:11 PM