Several Famous Authors are Alternating Between Rolling in Their Graves and Clawing in Vain at Their Coffins
It is I, the once and future king, risen again to bring glad tidings of a bright future for mankind. And to tell you to stop your fucking whining. Yes, I'm back again, but unlike Eminem I won't be announcing my return with a catchy hit single off my new semi-eponymous album. I'm just gonna be me (Insert a the word sniffle bracketed by asterisks or perhaps doubled colons if you like).*

It hasn't just been inertia that's kept me away from you recently. It's also been Europe. Yes Europe, land of all those cowardly unwashed effete bastards unwilling to get involved in Iraq. Bad Religion's new album The Empire Strikes First aside, I'm going to talk about Europe today instead of blogs.

I figure the study of blogs is really the study of idiocy, and Europe does have some of that. Probably less than the good old U. S. of A., but who's keeping score?**

Anyway here are the data I have brought back from across the Atlantic, thus saving you the effort and the expense.***

With no further ado, my adages:

1. In America we have something called homosexuals. In Europe they're known as Germans.

2. Acid wash jeans. There are a lot of acid wash jeans in Europe; I think it's the whole metrosexual thing: Something that looks gay, but no homosexual would be caught dead in it. Well I suppose they could easily be caught dead in them, lynchings being surprisingly common. Okay, I made that up. But I guess any lynchings at all would be surprisingly common. But maybe there aren't any lynchings. It would probably help to do some research. Put the whole lynching thing out of your mind. Acid wash jeans, apparently people think they look cool. Fucking morons ought to be lynched.****

3. mp3 players. Everybody seems to have one. IPODS are unsurprisingly far and away the most common. This is not an endorsement of the product, but a frank admission of an invasive ad campaign that has injected the damn things into the common lexicon.

4. Sideburns are rather long over in England. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but when they're emphatically red and the rest of the hair is black we have a problem. That's right, sideburns a different color from the rest of the hair are distressingly common. One instance would be distressingly common. The dozens I saw are most likely a sign of the apocalypse.

5. Germans are really gay.

6. Contrary to popular belief not all the world's fat people are in America. That's right, I saw plenty of fatties Over There. Of course every single one of them was emphatically an American tourist.

7. It is really fucking easy to pick out the Americans. Not just the concealed belt buckles, but also carriage and dress. The Frogs wouldn't even bother trying French on them, just went straight to obsequious English.

8. The internet is a concept completely beyond the French. I think they have some idea of 56k, but even that is far to complex to be left to the average Frenchie. However they do not wear berets.

9. Every box of cigarettes in Europe has SMOKING KILLS emblazoned on its front in massive black letters. Nearly everybody in Europe smokes. That's almost as stupid as the sixty percent of Americans who believe in the Bible as the literal Truth.

10. Germans=homos

So yeah, that's really all there is to Europe. It sucks. Probably just as much as America, but differently. Actually not all that differently, but differently enough that I felt like bitching about it. Europe in a nutshell. No thanks necessary.





And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.


*Actually don't as that would be stupid faggotry, and besides you have no way of editing this so any attempts to insert anything into my update would be a sign of psychosis.****

**Who isn't?

***That means you'll have more money to spend on LemonPal.

****Durr.

*****This is a preemptive "eat shit and die" targeted at turtle_07. A pity I steadily ceded him ever more power as my sloth mounted.******

******Get your mind out of the gutter, furry.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 2:12 AM