Plato Beat Me to Poetry by Several Thousand Years So I'm Doing the Best I Can
If you've got a problem with that invent a time machine (which can, incidentally, be shown to be impossible without the least bit of scientific knowledge) and whoop his ass. Why, you might even be able to come back. I won't be hoping for it though as you're probably a moron.

Today's title is not particularly title-ishitcatudinal, but such is life. As the title suggests, Plato really did write a critique of poetry, and as bitter a historiographical argument as you could possibly imagine has sprung up around it.

The critique is the final chapter of Plato's The Republic in most every published version, but some historians are unsure as whether the critique of poetry was actually intended as part of The Republic. It seems a departure from the rest of the piece. Why would you critique poetry as part of the explanation of a uptopian society? Well turns out that it makes perfect sense and is quite ingenious. This doesn't have anything to do with today's update though. So I'm not going to write any more on the subject. If you're really curious, well a comment to that effect would probably be enough to get an elaboration.

Pointless Aside: Did you know that turtle_07 has used Merriam Webster Online to search for a definition of the word "crutchfield?" Unsurprisingly, there is no such word. Why turtle_07 searched for it is beyond me. As to how I came upon this fact, well some things are best left unknown to allow for more efficient blackmail.

Now that I have segued into the meat of the piece it's time to reveal just what I'm critiquing: Dungeons and Dragons. Now I know what you must be thinking; you're wondering why anyone has to tell you that D&D is a game for unwashed virginal nerds. Well no one needs to tell you any of that because everyone knows that D&D is for unwashed virgins and because the other parts aren't true.

That's right I am telling you that Dungeons and Dragons is not a game and is not for nerds. If you were turtle_07 you might say something like "Oh that Odovaucer, he sooo cwazy!!!!!1" As you are not turtle_07 (unless you are turtle_07) you won't be saying that. You may be confused though, but don't worry. I am here to explain. According to Wizards of the Coast website

Dungeons and Dragons is the original tabletop fantasy roleplaying game. Together with your friends, you lead daring heroes through the treacherous dungeons of your imagination. Fabulous treasure and fiendish creatures await you.

In truth I'm not just talking about Dungeons and Dragons; what I have to say applies to innumerable "tabletop roleplaying games."

So why am I contradicting the makers of this fine product? The explanation is a bit round-about. It starts with the "Ungame." Click the link and read a little bit about this delightfully politically correct pseudo-game. Would you call this a game? I certainly wouldn't. First off all it's just no fun. The second problem is that there is no competition. The salient line from the both pages is "EVERYBODY WINS.." The Ungame is non-competitive. Let's take a look at some dictionaries for just a moment. Here we have definitions from Merriam-Webster and Dictionary.com. Note that both primary definitions are basically "a game is anything you do for entertainment." This means that the Ungame is not a game because it is emphatically no fun at all. However the competition factor works its way into secondary and tertiary definitions. You might ask why anyone should care about the secondary and tertiary definitions. Well I'll tell you. Think about the primary definition for just a moment. That definition includes things that we really don't consider "games" in the typical sense of the word. Does biting your fingernails strike you as a game? Well it is if you did it for enjoyment. And if you enjoy cutting yourself, well then that's a game too.*

This is pure sillyness. When you think game you think Scrabble or Risk or Poker or Chess or even Magic: the Gathering. These are competitive. This competition is as much a part of games as teams are a part of sports. (That's why golf isn't a sport if you were curious.) Remember how this was about Role Playing Games? This is were they return to our attention. Nowhere in these Tabletop Role Playing Games does competition appear. For those who have not had the dubious pleasure to encounter D&D I shall lay out some of the basics to make my point clear.

The "game" is played by a group of players who create characters with race, class, background, etc. fitting the fantasy, sci-fi, or whatever genre. A single gamemaster controls a given game. To call this person a God is perfectly accurate. If the gamemaster decides that your character was struck fatally by lightning then your character is dead. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. The gamemaster sets forth an adventure for the players to navigate. The gamemaster's job is to create an adventure that exists right at the limit of the players' intelligences and their characters' power levels. The gamemaster can easily compensate as the game progresses for any unsuitable plans. If the players get stuck he gives hints until they figure it out.

Nowhere is there any competition whatsoever. Some people take specific pleasure in making their characters more powerful than those of their teammates, but these are their teammates. You can't compete against your teammates. That's not gamesmanship at all, and this is all prior to the actual D&D gaming experience. In short there is no competition as everyone is on the same side. You might argue that the gamemaster is aligned in opposition to the players, but this is ludicrous and false. If the gamemaster is aligned against the gamers they will lose. The gamemaster has ultimate power, and cannot be in any way competitive. It's not a competition if there is only one possible outcome. The gamemaster's job is to make sure the players enjoy themselves.

So I have proven that D&D is not a game, but what about my assertion that nerds do not play D&D? This is simpler. D&D is not a game. No self-respecting nerd would play a game that is not a game. A nerd revels in his superior knowledge. No nerd would do something so self-contradictory because a nerd is far too smart not to see the internal contradictions. A nerd has equally pathetic practices and can certainly be an unwashed virgin but will not play D&D. No nerd uses an Etch-a-Sketch and calls it a computer for the same reason no nerd plays a Tabletop Role Playing Game. Because it is not a computer and it is not a game.

So you D&D players can rejoice; you can no longer be considered nerds albeit because you're not smart enough to be nerds. RATHER OBVIOUS FROM THE UPDATE AS A WHOLE BUT APPARENTLY STILL NEEDS TO BE SPELLED OUT: This piece argues that D&D should not be classified a game because it does not contain competition. This does not necessarily mean that D&D is not fun or that D&D does not meet other definitions of game.



And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.


*Yes, that was five hundred communities and five hundred individual users. Each one actually wrote on the internet that he/she/it was interested in "cutting." Merely typing "I weep for humanity" does not come close to expressing how saddening I find this. Not to mention how saddened I am that most of them will probably not successful kill themselves.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 12:01 AM