Lemon Party
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Oh My, Oh My
Today is Thursday. Sometimes I update Lemon Party on Thursdays. I am now updating. On Thursday. I am posting letters that form words that form sentences that form paragraphs that form an update.
Now what did you think of that paragraph? I bet you didn't like it very much. Actually I'm not going to make that bet because about a quarter of you are here because you thought you'd find pictures of "nudeists." It didn't have any real pizazz because every sentence sounded the same. I am, I am, Iam, ad infinitum. Well "On Thursday." didn't begin with "I am," but that wasn't a sentence so the point is moot.
The point is that in recent times we haven't really been talking about blogs all that much. We got a little burned out. Go ahead and bitch all you want, but don't worry about the future of Lemon Party. There are absurd depths of unspeakable stupidity left to plumb. Still, we're going to stay away from regular old blogs for a little while longer.
You see there's this whole political thing going on. And associated with the whole political thing is the whole political blog thing. So I'm going to spend a little time bitching about that.
But not today. Today I'm giving you a heads up. Because I know how sensitive you people are to change. And because I'm lazy. Mostly because I'm lazy.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Friday, September 24, 2004
The Colony in the Clouds: Five Nudeists
So the other two posters seem to ahve rediscovered their metaphorical voices this week. I can't say I'm upset about ending my brief return to the position of sole Lemon Jockey. In fact I was so pleased that I decided not to bother posting anything this week. But then I realized the level of refferer log shenanigans you'd be missing and I couldn't help myself.
Thu Sep 16 20:39:24 2004
Windows NT (Win32)
English (United States)
4.16.3.0
http://search.msn.com/results.aspx?FORM=MSNH&q=suicides%20commited%20after%20september%201%2C%20200
In case that one's too complicated for you here's the exact text he typed into the search engine: suicides commited after september 1, 200. Now I'm getting the vague sensation that there probably aren't any records of the number of suicides since the year 200. Actually I'm certain there are none because I checked just now. What this guy was probably actually looking for was the number of suicides since September 11, 2001. First of all, that's stupid thing to search, the number of suicides since then is an utterly meaningless number. Now if you were to examine yearly suicide numbers for the last ten years, then you might get some meaningful data, but not useful data. This is a stupid pointless search, the stupidity of which is compounded by its wretched execution. By leaving off the final digits of the day and year our intrepid searcher will be just as likely to find the number of suicides since September 12, 2002, September 19, 2004, September 15, 2001, September 11, 2002, onward and upward; the list goes on ad infinitum. Summary: this bloke is stupid and he's searching for stupid stats.
Fri Sep 17 01:05:22 2004
Windows NT (Win32)
English (United States)
wsip-68-225-85-199.hr.hr.cox.net
68.225.85.199
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://search.msn.com/results.aspx?FORM=MSNH&q=nudeist%20pics
Fame is double-edged sword. We're moving on now.
Fri Sep 17 04:48:09 2004
Windows NT (Win32)
English (United Kingdom)
cache4-popl.server.ntli.net
62.255.64.7
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://search.msn.co.uk/results.aspx?FORM=TOOLBR&q=nudeist
Please stop hurting me, Jesus.
Fri Sep 17 09:30:50 2004
Windows 98 (Win32)
English (United States)
12.176.48.217
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://search.msn.com/results.aspx?FORM=MSNH&q=nudeist%20pictures
Maybe they're all cousins spread out across the globe, sharing fetish and meager education.
Thu Sep 23 23:05:29 2004
Windows NT (Win32)
English (United States)
waproxya01.msn.com
65.54.97.201
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://www.dogpile.com/info.dogpl/search/web/nudeist%2Bchild
Oh great. A misspelled fetish applied to kiddie porn. Child pornography /= legal. I'm going to say that one again. CHILD PORNOGRAPHY DOES NOT EQUAL LEGAL! Plus he's using dogpile as his search engine. Will the idiocy never cease? Will I finally be driven insane by the endless stream of idiots reading my precious, precious work? Tune in next week for yet another episode of the "Nudeist Colony."*
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
*I'm quivering in fear already.
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
untitled
I'm back from the dead, no really. I am. The reason why I had stopped posting was not because I was bored of Lemon Party or that I simply could not think of anything to post, on the contrary. I was dead. Not in the sense that my body had stopped working and my family was now mourning, but in the sense that I was emotionally dead.
I'm not exactly sure how one is emotionally dead to the world, but it does give me a good reason for not updating. I mean when someone says: "Why weren't you at the mall" and you respond with "I was dead", you know that they're not going to fuck with you. If they're an unbeliever than you just need to point out that you weren't all body functions cease dead but more you lost the ability to have rational thought dead. That or just claim that you're like Jesus, both work.
So where am I going with this, I mean you must have read enough of my updates to know that most start with a confusing and not all relevant segue, and then end with some sort of something that may or not be writing. It's all very vague and incomprehensible... it will also probably lead to some of the other members making fun of my grammar and spelling.
Believe it or not but Odovaucer loves to flaunt is intellectual muscles and tell me that I'm stupid and point out useless grammar mistakes. Sometimes I hit him, but other times I just brood in the dark thinking up good ways to kill him. Below (and the real point to this update) is the best way to kill Odovaucer bar none. Listen and learn my friends... listen and learn.
To kill Odovaucer we have to know his weaknesses, Odovaucer as we all know is no normal human. He can only be killed two ways: 1) The first way involves the ancient vial of Methcron, a substance that will kill anything it touches or 2) You can always take a hammer to his face. With this knowledge in mind I realized that the only real way to kill him would be with the Methcron.
Realizing that it would be a long and hard journey to get the Methcron as it is guarded by the guardian of the ancients, I settled down and listened to some Johnny Cash. Then I fell asleep. At this point I got really bored so I decided to just use the hammer.
I had to be careful if I didn't want to be caught and sent to jail, so I began to scheme. It was in my daily escapes with Odovaucer that I began to realize that the beast had another weakness, food! Early the next day I stole his lunch box and rigged a hammer trap inside, pretty soon I’d have my revenge. Unfortunately I forgot that Odovaucer doesn't use a lunch box and Leah if you're well enough to read this I'm sorry.
That was actually the last thing I tried, I pleaded insanity but The Man won't let me have any more hammers. Either way Odovaucer has escaped me thus far, but don't worry noble bloggers, I'll keep you all posted on how close he is to death.
TO LIFE!
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Thursday, September 16, 2004
Gates of Repentance, Gates of Anal Sex
Today, as some of you may know, is Rosh Hashanah, a rather important Jewish holiday. Rather is a bit of an understandment; actually it's the second most important day of the Jewish year. The Jewish year is a sizable bit shorter than the eral year though, so it's comparatively more valuable. So let's just call it the 1.9895th most imortant day of the year. Needless to say, that's an awful meaningful event.
Unfortunately the actual importance of this day is shrouded in mystery. It is shrouded in mystery for a variety of reasons, but the most important one is probably that no cares about Jews. Except Jews. Jews actually care about Jews, but no one else does. And why don't they care about Jews? Well everyone's a little fed up with them over the whole "Holocaust" thing, and the Jewish part of the Bible is included in the Christian part so there's not realy much point in bothering with their scriptures. Plus those Jews are all miserly rich people, which is why they can never get elected.
So there's a lot of reasons for not giving a fuck about Jewish holidays, but I think you ought to care about this one. I suppose you might ask something along the lines of "Well why should I care about Rosh Hashanah?" You'd ask that question because I've been danced around that subject for quite some time now. I think it's time I told you, but first let me mention my sponsor, AOL., so easy to use, no wonder it's number one!
As to Rosh Hashanah, well let me give you a little lesson in Arabic, the language of the Jews. In Arabic, you see, Rosh means day. Thus Rosh Hashanah means "day Hashanah." Does that clear things up? I think it could, but I'm going to continue because I'm, like, totally wasted right now. So anyway, the other half of the name, the hashanah bit, is actually a word in the equally ancient language of Escrima. In Escrima Hash means marijuana and -anah means some gobbledy-gook that just got added onto the end to make the word look cooler. So the final translations of Rosh Hashanah is "Day marijuana some gobbledy-gook that just got added onto the end to make the word look cooler."
Generally the preposition of is in included to make the translation a bit more readable, so we get "Day of marijuana some gobbledy-gook that just got added onto the end to make the word look cooler." Now, as everyone knows, marijuan is an extremely potent barbituate that causes feather growth in teenage girls, so I think you can imagine just how much fun Rosh Hashanah is.
As you might have expected, the Jews take a break from their busy schedule of drinking the blood of Christian virigns while usuring them to gather in their churches to feed teenage girls marijuana. Meanwhile the menfolk wear some gobbledy-gook that jut got added into and dance traditional Jewish jig known as the word look cooler. When the girls have enough feathers they begin the grand orgiastic mating rituals, which last for eleven days. That's when the next Jewish holiday, Yom Kippur, starts up. When that day rolls around I'll be sure to explain the whole truth behind the holiest of Jewish holy days.
But until then...
Remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
Tuesdays With Forrie: The Nudeist Colony
Hey everyone, it's time once again to take a closer look at you, our audience! Last week, you may recall, I promised to type an outlandish assortment of gobbledygook if there was a search for "nudeist" in the logs. There was. I faithfully reproduced and did my damnedest to pronounce it.
Tue Sep 7 03:44:22 2004
Windows NT (Win32)
English (Australia)
lonax9-b079.dialup.optusnet.com.au
203.164.166.79
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://websearch.optusnet.com.au/search/optusnet?p=nudist party pics&submit.x=35&submit.y=10&ei=UTF
Well, what do you know, someone spelled it right. Someone looking for "nudist party pics," though. That means that this person is smart enough to spell the word correctly but not smart enough to keep from searching for it. How saddening. This fellow sewarched through several pages of archives in a vain quest for pics.
Tue Sep 7 15:54:15 2004
MacOS (MacPPC)
English
ppp83.ronan.net
206.183.120.68
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2003_12_28_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.dogpile.com/info.dogpl/search/web/tard%2Bporn/1/20/1/-/1/0/1/1/1/1/-/n157/Images/on3%253
Oh. My. God. How utterly grotesque. I can truthfully say that I have never before encountered this particular perversion. I suppose it's not that bizarre a fetish, but I have simply never even thought of it before. Yet again the depravity of the Internet makes me feel so very sweet and innocent. Actually it doesn't. Now that I've seen this I feel even more jaded and cynical. Still, it would've been nice to be a naive little girl.
Tue Sep 7 16:04:58 2004
Windows NT (Win32)
English (United States)
107.arlington-51-53rs.va.dial-access.att.net
12.77.120.107
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://search.msn.com/results.aspx?srch=105&FORM=AS5&q=nudeists
Frown.
Tue Sep 7 23:00:05 2004
Windows NT (Win32)
proxys.ia2.marketscore.com
66.119.34.39
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2003_12_07_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=write a lovenote to your crush&ei=UTF-8&fr=logout&n=20&fl=0&x=wrt
Wait, what? "Write a lovenote to your crush?" What the hell does that have to do with Lemon Party? A quick perusal of the archive page in question reveals t hat turtle_07 is the cause of this surprise visit. Yet another reason to strangle him.
Wed Sep 8 20:29:14 2004
Windows 98 (Win32)
English (United States)
pc-24-151-66-030.newt1.ct.charter.com
24.151.66.30
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_03_21_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=insult redheads&ei=UTF-8&n=20&fl=0&xargs=0&pstart=1&fr=FP-tab-web-
Alright, now we've found something truly astounding. This individual is something utterly different our usual readers. This guy is so fucking awesome that I am, right now, officially offering him a place as a Lemon Jockey. That's right, if yuo're the guy who found us by searching for "insult redheads" you are officially invited to write for us. Only a man of true distinction would be combing the internet for insults to redheads. Only a true American hero.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Thursday, September 09, 2004
The "Nudeist" Colony: Week Three
Yes it's time for another fun-filled trip through the referrer logs! Join me now, and maybe we won't find any searches for "nudeists!" If we do encounter such a search I will type "AJKHJKGLSHL:KGJOJKGSJKWJKGBLGBhjklasgjkljklJRLWEHJKtrg" and then try to pronounce it. Let's hope that doesn't happen.
Mon Aug 30 06:52:08 2004
Windows NT (Win32)
Netscape 5
adsl-70-240-200-33.dsl.hstntx.swbell.net
70.240.200.33
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://www.stumbleupon.com/refer.html
It would appear a certain reader is hard at work promoting us. Perhaps reader isn't the most appropriate term. Perhaps smelly sock would be more accurate. Of course that begs the question, "how would a smelly sock register a StumbleUpon account?"
Tue Aug 31 08:40:15 2004
Windows NT (Win32)
German (Switzerland)
firewall-01.ospelt.com
195.49.86.46
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_07_11_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.alltheweb.com/search?cat=web&cs=utf8&q=downtime graphic statistic&rys=0&_sb_lang=pref&o=
Wait, what's going on here? This a German speaker from Switzerland searching for "downtime graphic statistic. That doesn't sound like German does it? I think we have an imposter at work here. He's pretending to be a German-speaking Swiss, when in fact he's an American secret agent whose wife has been critical of the Bush administration. Oh wait, that's probably not something I should be posting on Internet where the wrong people might read it.
Tue Aug 31 11:50:40 2004
Windows NT (Win32)
English (United States)
ip68-226-126-96.ph.ph.cox.net
68.226.126.96
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/ http://search.msn.com/results.aspx?FORM=MSNH&q=lemon%20party
Now this is exactly what I was hoping to see! He searched simply for "lemon party" and found us as the top result, started reading, and didn't stop. He's been through most of the archives by now. I salute you Cox Man.
Tue Aug 31 20:34:13 2004
Windows NT (Win32)
English (United States)
netblock-66-245-192130.dslextreme.com
66.245.192.130
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com
http://msxml.excite.com/info.xcite/search/web/LEMON%20PARTY%20PORN/1/20/1/-/1/0/1/1/1/1/-/-/-/-/-/-
Not just any old DSL user, this guy's EXTREME! I don't think I can really talk smack about a guy with EXTREME! DSL. Actually I have no qualms about making fun of EXTREME! DSL users. Especially ones searching Internet for "Lemon Party porn." I have another reason to leave this sod alone. He read half a dozen pages of archives. Of course he read the first update half a dozen times in addition to that previous number, which suggests that he's borderline retarded. You win some; you lose some.
Tue Aug 31 23:05:24 2004
Windows NT (Win32)
English (United States)
207-38-214-154.c3-0.elm-ubr4.qens-elm.ny.cable.rcn.com
207.38.214.154
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=12 year nude girl&ei=UTF-8&n=10&fl=0&fr=FP-tab-web-t&b=81
Everyone realizes that nude pictures of twelve year old girls is known as "child pornography" and is illegal, right? I mean the news might not have gotten to everybody. If you're on look out for pictures of twelve year olds without their clothes you have a problem. Twelve year olds are definitely not worth going to jail over, especially when they'll be far more attractive by normal standards once they've reached the age of consent. Kiddie porn is just stupid guys.
Tue Aug 31 22:26:11 2004
Windows 98 (Win32)
English (United States)
203.160.190.236
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_02_01_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?fr=slv1-&p=properties of lemon mouse
I really have no idea what this one hand in mind. I have definitely never heard of a lemon mouse, much less its properties.
Wed Sep 1 17:16:39 2004
Windows NT (Win32)
English (United States)
67.129.138.2
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2003_12_07_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.msn.com/results.aspx?FORM=SRCHWB&q=nudeist
AJKHJKGLSHL:KGJOJKGSJKWJKGBLGBhjklasgjkljklJRLWEHJKtrg
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
I Just Found a Floppy Disc: I Tore It Apart
But wait, that's not the proper spelling of disk is it? Certainly not, but I'm misspelling it to look cool, you know, like Carver Buns the "Nudeist" Poster. I will never forgive him for that. That misspelling is appparently an intregral part of the Internet consciousness, and we continue to get hits off of searches for "nudeist."*
As horrifying as that is, let's forget about for a little while. Let's forget that that word has been imbedded in every page of this site to further boost search engine hits. Let's instead discuss this floppy disk I tore apart. It was just siting there, looking a little ragged, a little unloved, and very obsolete. Yes, that's right, your beloved floppy disks are sadly obsolete. Anything you could fit on one fits just as easily into an email or a free hosting service.
Why does email matter? Why would you want to email your precious little poems to someone else. They're yours; no one else would understand their depth and importance. Anyone else would simply dismiss them as poorly spelled and poorly conceived. And they'd be right.
If that's what you're thinking then you're incredibly stupid, so I can reasonably assume that quite a few readers are thinking that. I have a revelation for you. You can send emails to yourself. And you can read those emails on an entirely different computer.
I realize that that is quite a shock to your systems, and you may not be able to put this information to use right away. Luckily there's more. You see, any AOL Instant Messenger User (Yes AIM is a free download so anyone can easily be included in that category) can go to MyWebpage.Netscape.com and start storing files. It can hold anything your floppy disk could and more.
Still, that's another rather complicated procedure, so I shall leave you with one final method, a method so mind-blowingly simple you'll be shocked you hadn't thought of it. I won't be, though, because I know that you're a moron. Here it is: you can use your blog to store text. That's right, you can post your homework on your blog tonight and print it out in school tomorrow. Wowee! In fact, if you're using Blogger you don't even have to publish it, you can just use the "Save as Draft" function to store it privately.
Now that you have learned go forth and use these shocking new methods. Cast aside your floppy disks, for verily they are relics of a long-forgotten past. You could, of course, use them (or pieces of them) in all manner of aesthetic efforts, but please don't use them for file storage. Their time has past, much like democracy and the dodo.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
*For the record I have no pride and "nudeist" has been placed on every page of this blog to increase the search engine hits.
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
Space for rent
This is the shortest update in Lemon Party's existence. Revel in its majesty. Behold, I am become short update: taker of time.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Thursday, September 02, 2004
I just dropped in
Let's play a game, ok? The game's name is "What's the point of this update?" and the way you play it is you read the update, and then you email me claiming that you want your precious precious time back so you could instead read erotic fan fiction involving Ash, Misty, Brock, and that crazy egg thing that Misty carried around in that episode that I saw.
While this update is a waste of time, you're probably still reading because thoughts don't percolate too quickly for you; probably in another sentence or two it'll finally hit you that this update is worthless and that you would have more fun gouging your eyes out with sharpened cherry pits, however until then I have your complete and undivided attention. (That was a single sentence of shame - Odovaucer)
At this point you only read on because you hope and pray that something will happen. "He's written some funny stuff," you'll think, "this is probably all just some huge joke." Well if it was a huge joke I'm certainly not laughing. Jokes are funny right? Why am I not laughing... oh yeah... it's not a joke. ( Oh ho, that's zinger! - Odovaucer) This update is a huge waste of time and you should really stop reading it. But you continue onward for some unknown reason, you probably hope that this actually is a huge joke and I'll move on from this retardly long segue into something hilarious, and you'll laugh and I'll laugh and that creepy guy down the street will laugh, and this sentence will somehow end, but I really doubt that's going to happen. (And again - Odovaucer)
We're speeding towards oblivion, but you're still here, reading away at my shitty update with absolutely no humor. Why? Because you want to tell all of your friends about how you kept reading even when everyone else stopped, and, my god, aren't you just the biggest nonconformist ever? I'll tell you something: this update is going to go on and on and on and on and on and then possibly on some more. Your kids (if you have them) will be dead by the end of this because instead of feeding them life-saving nutrients you opted to read a shitty update about not reading the shitty update. Wowee.
And here's another paragraph! Since I've already talked about speeding towards oblivion and all of that rubbish, I guess I'll spend the next few paragraphs talking about how much I dislike people who are not myself. See people who are not me are annoying for a few reasons. One of the main one's being that they do things that I wouldn't do. I don't beat up small fuzzy animals but lots of people seem to enjoy doing it. I just don't get it. I mean they're small, they're fuzzy, they're motherfucking adorable but you just keep beating them.
Much like I'm beating you into submission by reading this update, I suppose that if you're going to continue reading about how terrible the update is I might as well add in subliminal messages that will make you do ALL HAIL TURTLE_07 my bidding. I mean I’ve got nothing better to do and believe me, I don't like this update any more than ALL HAIL TURTLE_07 you do, it's just that I have to do it to keep my job as an LJ. You however have to do actual work to keep your job, so maybe instead of reading this shitty update you should go back to doing whatever the hell it is you do.
But it seems that you are ALL HAIL TURTLE_07 all spellbound by my words, perhaps you realized how stupid this update is but the subliminal messages are working. Well, they're more liminal messages, it's not like I've cleverly capitalized letters spelling out ALL HAIL TURTLE_07 through most of the ALL HAIL TURTLE_07 update. If I keep writing I can probably have the longest post in Lemon Party history. Although I probably already do.
On and on it goes, where it stops nobody knows. Actually, here's where it stops.... err... gets interesting. If you read through the entire thing, congratulations I'm now going to attempt to sound funny. If you're reading this for the second time because you got bored and skipped to the end to see if it becomes amusing, you would probably have been better off gouging out your eyes with sharpened cherry pits.
This is of course assuming that after reading the next paragraph they don't immediately go up to see what paragraph proceeds it, which leaves us in an interesting situation. However, since I am tired of this update well just and that was the third time that the guy called me an asshole. Now while I am a rather meek man in real life I still figured that something had to be done (nothing was actually done, I'm only a big man online). So I cleverly crafted a plan, doing a little Google searching I found out (note: this story is fictitious, just like you) that his blog was also his name. I spent a good hour or two reading through it and while it didn't give any good information I still had a plan. Every update must have had at least 10 comments from different people.
So I needed to find out his password... which actually I didn't need to. He updated his blog from school and he would often leave himself logged in on the school computers. I just hopped on edited his posts subtly, although as no one really noticed I started doing bigger and bigger changes. Eventually his friends caught on that the updates weren't actually totally true and their comments turned to "let's find the culprit!" Sensing the end I edited one final update and then left forever, what did the update in question say?
Penis
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party. Because your blog sucks.