I just dropped in
Let's play a game, ok? The game's name is "What's the point of this update?" and the way you play it is you read the update, and then you email me claiming that you want your precious precious time back so you could instead read erotic fan fiction involving Ash, Misty, Brock, and that crazy egg thing that Misty carried around in that episode that I saw.

While this update is a waste of time, you're probably still reading because thoughts don't percolate too quickly for you; probably in another sentence or two it'll finally hit you that this update is worthless and that you would have more fun gouging your eyes out with sharpened cherry pits, however until then I have your complete and undivided attention. (That was a single sentence of shame - Odovaucer)

At this point you only read on because you hope and pray that something will happen. "He's written some funny stuff," you'll think, "this is probably all just some huge joke." Well if it was a huge joke I'm certainly not laughing. Jokes are funny right? Why am I not laughing... oh yeah... it's not a joke. ( Oh ho, that's zinger! - Odovaucer) This update is a huge waste of time and you should really stop reading it. But you continue onward for some unknown reason, you probably hope that this actually is a huge joke and I'll move on from this retardly long segue into something hilarious, and you'll laugh and I'll laugh and that creepy guy down the street will laugh, and this sentence will somehow end, but I really doubt that's going to happen. (And again - Odovaucer)

We're speeding towards oblivion, but you're still here, reading away at my shitty update with absolutely no humor. Why? Because you want to tell all of your friends about how you kept reading even when everyone else stopped, and, my god, aren't you just the biggest nonconformist ever? I'll tell you something: this update is going to go on and on and on and on and on and then possibly on some more. Your kids (if you have them) will be dead by the end of this because instead of feeding them life-saving nutrients you opted to read a shitty update about not reading the shitty update. Wowee.

And here's another paragraph! Since I've already talked about speeding towards oblivion and all of that rubbish, I guess I'll spend the next few paragraphs talking about how much I dislike people who are not myself. See people who are not me are annoying for a few reasons. One of the main one's being that they do things that I wouldn't do. I don't beat up small fuzzy animals but lots of people seem to enjoy doing it. I just don't get it. I mean they're small, they're fuzzy, they're motherfucking adorable but you just keep beating them.

Much like I'm beating you into submission by reading this update, I suppose that if you're going to continue reading about how terrible the update is I might as well add in subliminal messages that will make you do ALL HAIL TURTLE_07 my bidding. I mean I’ve got nothing better to do and believe me, I don't like this update any more than ALL HAIL TURTLE_07 you do, it's just that I have to do it to keep my job as an LJ. You however have to do actual work to keep your job, so maybe instead of reading this shitty update you should go back to doing whatever the hell it is you do.

But it seems that you are ALL HAIL TURTLE_07 all spellbound by my words, perhaps you realized how stupid this update is but the subliminal messages are working. Well, they're more liminal messages, it's not like I've cleverly capitalized letters spelling out ALL HAIL TURTLE_07 through most of the ALL HAIL TURTLE_07 update. If I keep writing I can probably have the longest post in Lemon Party history. Although I probably already do.

On and on it goes, where it stops nobody knows. Actually, here's where it stops.... err... gets interesting. If you read through the entire thing, congratulations I'm now going to attempt to sound funny. If you're reading this for the second time because you got bored and skipped to the end to see if it becomes amusing, you would probably have been better off gouging out your eyes with sharpened cherry pits.

This is of course assuming that after reading the next paragraph they don't immediately go up to see what paragraph proceeds it, which leaves us in an interesting situation. However, since I am tired of this update well just and that was the third time that the guy called me an asshole. Now while I am a rather meek man in real life I still figured that something had to be done (nothing was actually done, I'm only a big man online). So I cleverly crafted a plan, doing a little Google searching I found out (note: this story is fictitious, just like you) that his blog was also his name. I spent a good hour or two reading through it and while it didn't give any good information I still had a plan. Every update must have had at least 10 comments from different people.

So I needed to find out his password... which actually I didn't need to. He updated his blog from school and he would often leave himself logged in on the school computers. I just hopped on edited his posts subtly, although as no one really noticed I started doing bigger and bigger changes. Eventually his friends caught on that the updates weren't actually totally true and their comments turned to "let's find the culprit!" Sensing the end I edited one final update and then left forever, what did the update in question say?

Penis



And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party. Because your blog sucks.

- posted by Andrew @ 11:11 PM