Gates of Repentance, Gates of Anal Sex
Today, as some of you may know, is Rosh Hashanah, a rather important Jewish holiday. Rather is a bit of an understandment; actually it's the second most important day of the Jewish year. The Jewish year is a sizable bit shorter than the eral year though, so it's comparatively more valuable. So let's just call it the 1.9895th most imortant day of the year. Needless to say, that's an awful meaningful event.

Unfortunately the actual importance of this day is shrouded in mystery. It is shrouded in mystery for a variety of reasons, but the most important one is probably that no cares about Jews. Except Jews. Jews actually care about Jews, but no one else does. And why don't they care about Jews? Well everyone's a little fed up with them over the whole "Holocaust" thing, and the Jewish part of the Bible is included in the Christian part so there's not realy much point in bothering with their scriptures. Plus those Jews are all miserly rich people, which is why they can never get elected.

So there's a lot of reasons for not giving a fuck about Jewish holidays, but I think you ought to care about this one. I suppose you might ask something along the lines of "Well why should I care about Rosh Hashanah?" You'd ask that question because I've been danced around that subject for quite some time now. I think it's time I told you, but first let me mention my sponsor, AOL., so easy to use, no wonder it's number one!

As to Rosh Hashanah, well let me give you a little lesson in Arabic, the language of the Jews. In Arabic, you see, Rosh means day. Thus Rosh Hashanah means "day Hashanah." Does that clear things up? I think it could, but I'm going to continue because I'm, like, totally wasted right now. So anyway, the other half of the name, the hashanah bit, is actually a word in the equally ancient language of Escrima. In Escrima Hash means marijuana and -anah means some gobbledy-gook that just got added onto the end to make the word look cooler. So the final translations of Rosh Hashanah is "Day marijuana some gobbledy-gook that just got added onto the end to make the word look cooler."

Generally the preposition of is in included to make the translation a bit more readable, so we get "Day of marijuana some gobbledy-gook that just got added onto the end to make the word look cooler." Now, as everyone knows, marijuan is an extremely potent barbituate that causes feather growth in teenage girls, so I think you can imagine just how much fun Rosh Hashanah is.

As you might have expected, the Jews take a break from their busy schedule of drinking the blood of Christian virigns while usuring them to gather in their churches to feed teenage girls marijuana. Meanwhile the menfolk wear some gobbledy-gook that jut got added into and dance traditional Jewish jig known as the word look cooler. When the girls have enough feathers they begin the grand orgiastic mating rituals, which last for eleven days. That's when the next Jewish holiday, Yom Kippur, starts up. When that day rolls around I'll be sure to explain the whole truth behind the holiest of Jewish holy days.

But until then...



Remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 8:27 AM