The Selective Service
Hello my name is Odovaucer, and I'm a Lemon Jockey. As a Lemon Jockey it is my sworn duty to provide you with content on this very site with great regularity. Great regularity has come to mean 3-4 times a week, and when I refer to my providing it I' actually talking about getting turtle_07 to write an article, writing one myself, and showing you some referrer logs. Even though there are several other individuals with posting rights here they haven't bothered to cobble together anything worth posting in ages.

Furthermore you may have noted that Lemon Party is theoretically a blog about blogs, yet we haven't broached that particular subject in quite some time. This is not because we have nothing more to say on the subject, and nor is it a sign that the qualitative level of your blogging is currently acceptable. It is not. Your blog, in fact, sucks. It is a wretched abomination, and you should be ashamed of yourself. We've spent over a year trying to coax you to try out some basic principles of the Internet. Trying in vain.

I'm slowly coming to grips with that. My solution is not surrender, my solution bears some resemblance to a technique known as "dumbing down." In the coming weeks I'm going to give remedial grammar, spelling, syntax, and diction lessons. The largest failure of your blog is in fact the things you write about in it, but the manner in which you write about them is a close second. Now I'm not expecting you all to become perfect overnight; in fact I'm not expecting you to ever be perfect. You're not particularly intelligent and even I miss things proofreading from time to time. Still, your current writing is wholly unacceptable, so I have no choice but to do something about it. It's not like you people can help yourselves after all. I'm constantly amazed you can type anything at all with your flipper-hands, you inbred leaking sacks of mucus.

Today's update is not about teaching you basic English, and it is not about dishing out far-fetched (though usually accurate) insults. Today's update is instead a smorgasbord of items I felt the need to address. Item one: forums. turtle_07 and I have been contemplating the idea of including a set of forums for some time now, and we've pretty much concluded that we're going to go for it. I'm not expecting them to get a whole lot of use immediately, since the regular comments don't get a lot of traffic either. We can get them free though, so we're coming at this from a "why the hell not?" perspective. If you have strong feelings on the topic you can protest via comments on this post or by emailing me at Odovaucer (at) Gmail (dot) com.

Item Two: Lemon Jockeys. Yes turtle_07 has returned from his brief hiatus, and we should be seeing something from Lemon Party intern dfjaweiod in the coming weeks. I can make no guarantees as his efforts could very well utterly be unprintable. We are not desperately in need of more posters. turtle_07 and I have handled the bulk of the writing on this site and we are perfectly capable of maintaining that workload. However if you're interested in joining the Lemon Party team, just let us know, and I'll pencil you in as the first candidate in our second annual "Who Wants to Be a Lemon Jockey?" contest, which will, most likely, not be starting until spring.

Item Three: Material. As I have discussed previously, we are not lacking in material or motivation here at Lemon Party. What we lack is time and money. As such even the most gung ho writer falters from time to time. Our archives are littered with unfinished or unpolished drafts just waiting. This means that when the terrible spectre of writer's block rears its ugly head (and believe me it does make appearances on these pages) we can still give a solid week's output.

Item Four: squirrels. I had told you that last week would be the conclusion to our discussion of squirrels. That was a one week delay from the original planned date of part the third of the guide to squirrels. This week I believe you will finally be in for the stunning climax. This week you shall know, once and for all, the insidious secret of squirrels.




And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 11:59 PM