Behold Patches, Lord of Leaves, For You Are in His Domain
This week today falls on a Wednesday. In celebration of this rare occurrence I'm updating. That's a more common experience, but it's happening today anyway. As this is today I'm going to tell you about squirrels. Not secret squirrels or flying squirrels or monkeys pretending to be squirrels, just honest-to-God squirrel squirrels. The gray kind. There are no brown or red squirrels when it's today. Except on leap years. And this isn't a leap year, so we don't have any brown squirrels to deal with.

Of course the gray ones are quite a handful on their own. The gray squirrels would be perfectly harmless and even a little cute on their own. The problem is that they're never alone. What looks like a gray squirrel to the eye is actually a harbinger of something insidious. This insidious something is really, really insidious. I mean really intensely insidious. Like the triple chocolate fudge suicide cake of insidious. Intense. We'll get to the nature of that insidiousness later.

For now let's make sure you understand the proper response to a gray squirrel sighting.

Step One:

Make sure it's a gray squirrel you see. That means one of these:


These, however, do not exist.


Step Two:

Search for a weapon. Anything too big for the squirrel(s) to wield is a good bet. Otherwise your armament could be used against by squirrels with far greater combat skills than you. That should be obvious, due to the nature of the insidious nature of the gray squirrel.

Step Three:

Run! Don't bother trying to fight if you can escape. Obviously you won't be able to outpace this guy:


Hopefully you'll be able to reach a building or a car or something you can get into. The important is getting somewhere they can't reach, which is difficult considering that they're smaller than you and better climbers. If you can't get to a hiding place it's time for...

Step Four:

Fight.


The gray squirrel may look less intimidating than this brown squirrel, but the reality of gray squirrel combat is far more terrifying than the fiction of brown squirrel assault. After step five step six comes about around 99% of the time.

Step Six:

You lost the fight and have now fallen victim to the insidiousness of the gray squirrel. Would that you had merely died!

Tune in next time for the discussion of that terrible insidious gray squirrel menace.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 11:08 PM