Seven is today's special number
I'm back, and contrary to popular belief, very much alive. Before you start crying and wailing, let me explain something to you: while I may be very much alive on the outside, I am a bitter empty shell of a man on the inside. Since that technically makes me a shell of a shell of a man, I suppose I'm doubly dead on the inside while... super strong on the outside... possibly covered in a hardened chocolate shell.

But this update isn't about chocolate... or is it! No, it's not. This update is about the strange and bizarre sex known as 'girls'. For those of you who are having trouble dating and need a little bit of help validating your worthless existences (because let's face it, you're worthless unless you have a girlfriend... and girls don't actually use the Internet so there's no need to talk about getting a boyfriend) with a significant other. This update is for you.

I've compiled a short list of facts about girls; I'll explain what each fact means, and then I'll tell you all how to use them to get the opposite sex into bed, because having sex makes you a better person. It also whitens your teeth.

(I'm not completely sanguine about this. - Odovaucer, who questions turtle_07's credentials in this subject.)

Fact 1: Girls are pretty.
Girls can be very pretty with their low flowing hair and their pretty eyes.

Fact 2: Sometimes girls aren't pretty
HOLY SHIT IT'S LIKE HER NOSE WAS ACTUALLY A RUSSIAN COSMONAUT!

Fact 3: Girls like flowers, unless they're allergic to them, then they don't like them
Girls are sometimes pretty, so they like having pretty things around them to increase their prettiness. Ugly girls also like flowers, so this is one of the more complex points of dating.

Fact 4: Girls like chocolate
Unless they're allergic to it, like in fact 3. And while girls like chocolate they don't like getting fat eating chocolate. So just because they said they like it but they don't eat it doesn't mean that they don't like your gift. They just don't like you.

Fact 5: Girls don't like to be touched in special places... unless they like to be touched in special places
This one is pretty self explanatory


In conclusion:
You're going to die cold and alone without anyone to validate your existence you pathetic waste of flesh.

(Ah, that would be the pay-off. Would you believe that this man has a net worth of seven hundred million dollars? I hope not, because he isn't and probably never will be. - Odovaucer)


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

- posted by Andrew @ 10:27 PM