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Lemon Party
Sunday, April 01, 2007
 
Remember the Days
Remember the days when the Internet was full of stupid? I sure do. Of course, it's pretty hard to forget every single day since the thing's genesis. Let's try this again. Remember the days when the Interwebnation Superhighway was jam-packed with retards, but there was somebody else out there who cared enough to call them on it?

I sure do. Oh, do I ever! But, gosh, it sure has been awhile hasn't it? I would say it's been at least a year, maybe even a year and fifteen days. It sure was a shitty year and fifteen days wasn't it? No one there to tell you if you'd done something stupid or helpfully remind the proper way to post your boring sob stories on the Interwebnation Superhighway. It was a dark year and fifteen days for some, but for many, too many, it went unnoticed.

An unconscionable number of bloggers carried on as if nothing had happened.  They had no idea that the last bastion of competent writing had completely and utterly evaporated.   Too absorbed by their pathetic efforts at composing their aimless dribblings, they didn't even look up as the last light of truth faded from the horizon. The wise wept, but the fools never wavered from their course, a course that left in its wake thousands of misspelled, idiotic, sycophantic, and generally awful blog posts.

We have seen the darkest days of the Internet, my friends, but worry not: such days are a dying breed. Dear readers, I know you may have lost your way in recent times, and I understand, I sympathize. It's time now though to stand up and return to the light. The guiding light. It shone once, and it shall shine again.

This summer.

Oh yes, there will be updates.




And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
 
Nudeist Colony 36: Untitled Nudeist Colony
Today's Nudeist Colony is dedicated to Gary Cooper. It contains a number of listings. Each entry contains the actual data of an Internet browser who stopped by our illustrious website. As usual I have given date, time, resolved domain, IP address, the page viewed, and the page the reader was referred from. All users are assumed to be English-speaking Americans using Windows and IExplore unless otherwise indicated. You should remember all that from last week though. That's right, we're having Nudeist Colonies two weeks in a row! Isn't that stunning? Did you know that the last time such an event occurred was March of last year? It's been almost exactly a year since this has happened.

You see, Nudeist Colonies really used to be a weekly occurrence, but I got a little sick of them (and of writing in general, if the truth be told) so they became sporadic. I've kept up a decent record though, and I've decided to unload the backlog this month, so here we are. There were just too many juicy ones for a single update, so I decided to divide them by month, which sure seems like an awfully efficient way to go about things. Maybe, just maybe there will be an announcement to that effect at the end of the month. We'll just have to wait and see, I suppose.


Wed Feb 8 00:32:37 2006
21.san-francisco-23rh16rt.ca.dial-access.att.net
12.72.163.21
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_02_01_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=%22hot topic is not punk%22 lyrics&sp=1&fr2=sp-top&SpellState=n-16

Hot Topic is not punk, you say? Well you're absolutely right. Sort of. There are an awful lot of references to Hot Topic and punk rock on that page, from the metaphorical pens of three different authors. Carver Buns was quite ready to espouse that exact position, which is what triggered Yahoo's webcrawlers. However, turtle_07's update seems to consider the two to be related, citing both as attempts to appear unique, or at least just like their friends, which is very similar to being unique, honest. There is another turtle_07 update that references an Internet moron who goes by the Internet handle of "punkdudeguy." Finally we have an update by Odovaucer (who just happens to be the author of this update as well) that mentions punks as a group worth hating, but does go into great detail or mention Hot Topic, though it can assumed that Hot Topic was certainly worthy of the giant list of things worth hating.


Mon Feb 27 23:36:20 2006
cache-dtc-aa01.proxy.aol.com
205.188.116.5
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005_07_01_lemonparty_archive.html
http://dpxmldsl.verizon.net/_1_2ITYTEJ03LDHOH5__vzn.dsl/search/web/young nudeist

I have a confession to make. Last week I explained what nudeism meant, but my definition was erroneous. Turns out that what I was actually referring to was something called "Coherentism. Sorry.

Actually a nudeist is a creature of the Class Cephalopoda and Order Teuthida. In popular culture nudeists are best known as a culinary delicacy and as the terrifying sea monster that brought many a sailor to his watery doom. Long thought to be entirely mythical, "giant nudeists" have been generally accepted by the scientific community since the 1861 when a French gunboat managed to snag a chunk of one. In the following decades a number of decomposing giant nudeist carcasses washed up on beaches, primarily in Newfoundland and New Zealand, but no one had ever seen any sign of a live one until very recently. It was in late 2004 (after two years of work) that the first photographs of a live giant nudeist were taken, though the photos weren't released for another year. Early in 2006 the first live giant nudeist was caught by a fishing trawler, and can be seen preserved at the Natural History Museum in London. Interestingly there is another species noticeably larger, called the Colossal Nudeist, but little is yet known about this species and it is not known to exist outside of the Antarctic.

Of course the vast majority of nudeists are much, much smaller, most not exceeding sixty centimeters in length. All nudeists have ten appendages with suckers arranged in pairs. They have two tentacles (which only have suckers on their tips) and eight arms (which are much shorter and are lined with suckers. They have beaks with which to kill and eat fish and other crustaceans and perambulate by expelling jets of water.

Now, because this intrepid Internet user is looking for young nudeists, I'm thinking that he was hoping for cooking tips, and this, I'm afraid, isn't certainly not the place to go for that sort of thing.


Mon Feb 27 23:40:16 2006
Netscape 5
pcp0010339456pcs.chesnh01.pa.comcast.net
68.38.127.201
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_03_14_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.google.com/search?q=%22i am from the internet%22 funny picture&btnG=Search&num=100&hl=en

The search terms this person used were, in order, "i am form the internet," "funny," and "picture." Now this may seem confusing at first, but I believe I have decoded it. The answer is that he's a moron. I mean honestly, how people are there out there who think you can find something on Google by describing it? It's a computer program not a person; you can't just go up to it and start asking questions. You have to deal with search engines in the way they were designed to be approached. Google won't look at request and real quick scan the Internet for some funny pictures. Oh no, all it does is search the web for instances of your terms and returns them in order of popularity and relevance as judged by Google. It's not rocket science here. It shouldn't be any surprise that you're turning up sites that are completely and obviously irrelevant to your search, this one for instance. I have two more hints as well. When you're using Google to look for an image, I find that it's more effective to use Google's handy-dandy Image Search, and when looking for image macros you're probably going to get better results from calling them macros than from calling them "funny pictures."


Tue Feb 28 02:31:27 2006
English (Australia)
CPE-60-228-221-218.qld.bigpond.net.au
60.228.221.218
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_07_18_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.google.com.au/search?hl=en&q=individuality-syndrome&meta=

Generally speaking, Nudeist Colonies are chances for me to say mean things about kids who found their way here once off a silly Google search and never return. It can also be seen as a showcase of the tremendous uselessness of this blog. We can't seem to provide anything of interest to our readers. Of course, it's hard to see that as a bad thing when so many of them are pedophiles. Still, it's heartening to see we that were able to help somebody here. Sure enough on the linked page there is a very thorough explanation of "individuality syndrome" provided by the one and only turtle_07. Wow, I'm starting to really feel good about myself. Better publish before the feeling fades. See you tomorrow in the cellars of IMDb.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Friday, March 10, 2006
 
Cellars of IMDb: Clive Owen Is Too Cool to Be Bond
Last week we were discussing the movies in the works for the actor Willem Dafoe. He's getting his wish: a variety of interesting roles in a far-ranging assortment of movies helmed by a number of strong directors. Clive Owen will be appearing in Spike Lee's Inside Man, albeit in a much larger role. Owen has an equally successful-looking near-future, but for him success is a little different. He too is ever on the lookout for diverse and interesting projects, but Owen also has marked interest in growing his stock in Hollywood and being a big time movie star. But heck, who wouldn't want to do that? Also in the pipeline for Owen are starring roles in the British costume drama Elizabeth: The Golden Age, a sci-fi movie called The Children of Men, based on the P.D. James novel, and an action film currently known as Shoot 'Em Up. The latter's plot description on IMDb reads as follows: " A man named Mr. Smith (Owen) delivers a woman's baby during a shootout, and is then called upon to protect the newborn from the army of gunmen," and according to Canada.com the film will have shootouts during sex scenes and freefall. I for one think that this is not a movie to be missed.

Of course the excitement surrounding these movies barely recognizable when compared to the anticipation for Owen's fifth film scheduled to appear later in 2006.

Sinful

Sin City 2. Going by IMDb's information it certainly looks like Owen's character Dwight McCarthy will be playing a major role in this movie as well, perhaps even a greater one.

Of course, if five starring roles isn't enough he also has his cameo in the Pink Panther as consolation. It's certainly a good year to be Clive Owen, am I right? Well yes and no. True he's got a ton of exciting-looking stuff in the works and certainly seems to be a bona fide star. Yet there's one thing he isn't: Bond. James Bond.

For a while he was considered the frontrunner in the race to replace Pierce Brosnan for Casino Royale (scheduled for release this year). He was not the first to gain that status, nor was he the last. Ewan McGregor, Colin Farrell,
Julian McMahon, and his Fantastic Four costar Ioan Gruffudd. None of them ended up with the role. Among the others considered were Henry Cavill and Gerard Butler of The Phantom of the Opera and Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life. In the end it was instead Lara Croft's love interest from the first Tomb Raider movie who won the role.

If you recognize the name Daniel Craig from anything other than Casino Royale, it's most likely the arthouse action flick Layer Cake, directed by Guy Ritchie's producer, Matthew Vaughn. He's also appeared recently in Stephen Spielberg's Oscar-nominated Munich.* Craig will be the first blond Bond ever, while across the Internet, the Owen faithful are still complaining. If you ever seen the man in anything, you're immediately struck with the realization that this man was born to play James Bond. It's still not certain whether he turned it down or if he was even in serious consideration. What we do know is that Owen played a Bond-esque character called 006 in The Pink Panther, and it's safe to say that no one left that movie thinking Owen wouldn't have made a top-notch Bond. Perhaps he was afraid of getting trapped into the role and typecast, perhaps Casino Royale's producers were incredible idiots, or maybe, just maybe, Daniel Craig really is a better Bond. We'll see in less than a year.

Getting away from the whole Bond fandango for a bit, let's see just how our dear Clive Owen managed to reach his lofty spot on Hollywood's A-list. Born in 1964 in Coventry England, Owen was involved in theatre at an early age and stuck with it into the late eighties when he started get involved in film and television projects. His first big break came when he landed the lead on the hit television show Chancer.

Loveable

He only stayed with it for two years before quitting on account of the pressures fame and the fear of type-casting. To further combat the great type-casting peril Owen took on the role of Richard in Close My Eyes, a young man who has an affair with his sister.

Bootylicious

Perhaps he was trying a little too hard though. Owen didn't work for two years after that, largely because of the negative public reactions to the film and his character (quite a shift from the endearing scamp he played on Chancer).

Incestuous

After Close My Eyes Owen did mostly stage and television work for awhile, but didn't seem to learn his lesson as he returned to controversial sexual issues with his performance as a homosexual interred in a concentration camp 1997's Bent.

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

It paid off this time though. Owen's next appearance would be the following year in the American film Croupier.

Polished

Finally American audiences were getting a chance to see the sizzling new sex symbol for the themselves. Still, Croupier was no box office smash, and Owen once again turned to television, though this time it would in America. First there was Second Sight, a miniseries starring Owen as detective going slowly blind that was successful enough to spawn a number of followups, Owen reprising his role in each.

Next stop was a serious of glorified car commercials. But oh how glorious they were.

You're hired

In The Hire Owen plays a mysterious but super cool chauffeur (who just happens to drive a BMW) who always seem to get involved in the nastiest in the scrapes. Luckily, thanks to his super cool BMW, the driver usually manages to wrap up the trouble in about six minutes of screen time.

Piercing

What makes these ads so unique is equal parts Clive Owen and direction. It isn't just some hack churning out these things. There is major talent behind the lens, with John Woo, Tony Scott, Guy Ritchie, and John Frankenheimer among the men who have helmed The Hire commercials. The Hire also features an excellent array of supporting players. Such notables as Mickey Rourke and Madonna make appearance, but the highlight is Gary Oldman as the devil. The exposure brought him by The Hire brought Owen a number of more prestigious roles, including notable appearances Robert Altman's Oscar-nominated period piece Gosford Park and The Bourne Identity.

Periodic

Over the last few years Owen has a number of starring roles, but so far all have been unsuccessful at the box office. His major supporting roles, however, have been more noteworthy. The aforementioned Sin City was a bona fide smash, and Closer, while particularly commercially successful, won rave reviews, especially Owen, who had been in the earlier stage production, albeit in the role that would be filled by Jude Law in the film version. Well he's got leading roles coming up, and the movies themselves (well some of them) look unimpeachable. This is the year we'll see what Clive Owen's really made of.

Closer



And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

*Which was the best picture of 2005 by miles. In fact I can honestly say it's the best picture of the admittedly brief) millennium. Seriously, see it. I'm sure a lot of the impact is lost in the smaller screen, but I don't think you're going to find it theaters anymore. Anyone who doesn't think this movie deserved the Oscar either didn't see it or was too caught up in the homosexuality controversy or too pugnacious and myopic about the Middle East. The film is surprisingly neutral, deeply moving, and almost without flaws. See this movie.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
 
Nudeist Colony 35: Nude Harder
Today's Nudeist Colony is dedicated to Rene Descartes. This Nudeist Colony, like all Nudeist Colonies, contains a number of listings. Each entry contains the actual data of an Internet browser who visited this website. As usual I have given date, time, resolved domain, IP address, the page viewed, and the page the reader was referred from. All users are assumed to be English-speaking Americans using Windows and IExplore unless otherwise indicated. My comments follow each entry. It's been a while since we've done this, so today we're just going to catch up with some of the highlights of the end of 2005.


Fri Nov 4 22:21:29 2005
dialup-4.230.198.63.Dial1.Houston1.Level3.net
4.230.198.63
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005_02_13_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=lemon party sex list&sp=1&prssweb=Search&ei=UTF-8&fl=0&fr=sbc-web&

The problem with this search is that it's awfully ambiguous. Is he looking for sex party that turned out to be a lemon? Does he want to see lemons having sex at a party? Maybe he's hoping for pictures of a lemon party having sex. Or he could be looking for drunken party sex with lemons as sex toys. The options are nigh endless, and we can't narrow them any. Thanks a lot, buddy. Next time how about helping us (and yourself) out with some quotation marks?


Fri Nov 4 22:33:40 2005
70-35-166-47.ironoh.adelphia.net
70.35.166.47
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_07_01_lemonparty_archive.html
http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://us.vclart.net/vcl/Artists/Amy-Steele/Adult/tamxenderf

This is a strange little link, and the page itself has long since vanished. With a little Internet detective work I was able to find a related section of the website. It turns out that VCL is "the largest furry/anthropomorphic artwork and story library on the Internet." Uh-oh. Amy Steele herself specializes in anthropomorphic ducks. And yes, she does indeed draw them in what we'll call compromising positions. No, they aren't tasteful, and no, they aren't well-drawn. Still, as furries go, I've seen a lot worse. I think that says more about how jaded one gets after spending time on the Internet than about Amy Steele's artwork.


Fri Nov 4
22:37:41 2005
ool-18bd8e24.dyn.optonline.net
24.189.142.36
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005_02_20_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=nudeists&sm=Yahoo%21 Search&fr=FP-tab-web-t&toggle=1&cop=&ei=UTF-8


Last time around I presented to a definition of the word "nudeist," but it appears that definition was incorrect, and I apologize. In fact that was the definition for something called "Dance Dance Revolution."

Instead, nudeists are actually the subscribers to a certain theory of justification, known as nudeism. Nudeism is a response to the question, "Can we know anything?" The question is important because, it would appear, there is no way to prove that the visible world is as we perceive it. To put it in vulgar terms, there is no way to prove that we are not in The Matrix. Since we cannot disprove that possibility, we cannot know anything. We can be certain that what we see is as it appears.

The earliest approaches to this problem are known as foundationalism, formulated most famously by Rene Descartes: cogito ergo sum (I think therefore I am). Here some beliefs are taken to be axiomatic, that is to say that they are self-justifying, while all other beliefs need to be justified in terms of prior justified beliefs. To Descartes, "I think" is self-justifying. This model is plagued with problems at the axiomatic level and as it progresses to higher level beliefs. Descartes' system, for instance, muddles about for a bit before declaring that God exists and is a cool guy so the world is real. Modern philosophers are not completely swayed by that argument.

One response to foundationalism is nudeism. Nudeism posits that justification is not a linear series of beliefs, but is instead holistic. Beliefs are not judged individually in a vacuum, but rather in how well they fought into overarching belief systems. For example, I am justified in believing the sun will come up tomorrow because such an event fits with my system of beliefs about physics, the nature of the solar system, and past experience. If the sun does not come up tomorrow, I will have to revise my belief system to a form that remains coherent with the sun not rising tomorrow.

The advantage of this system of justification is that it has nothing to do with objective truth, which is impossible to prove. Justification only has to do with how well a belief fits a nudeist's world view. One can be inside the Matrix and be massively deluded about the underlying nature of the world, but one's beliefs are still reliable and coherent; they still fit together into a system of beliefs that accurately describes the perceivable world.


Fri Nov 4 23:02:00 2005
dialup-4.252.244.77.Dial1.Dallas1.Level3.net
4.252.244.77
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005_02_13_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p= under age sex picturs&sm=Yahoo%21 Search&fr=FP-tab-web-t&toggle=1

I'm never quite sure how to deal with entries like this one. On the hand, this fellow is obviously looking for illegal pornographic images of children. On the other, he's made an obvious and pathetic spelling error? Should I pick on him for being a pedo or for being an incompetent speller? Should I do both? Or should I do nothing and let him speak for himself more eloquently than I could ever hope to describe him? Today I chose a little bit of each.


Sat Nov 5 01:07:59 2005
66-168-180-98.dhcp.clmb.ga.charter.com
66.168.180.98
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005_01_02_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=nudeist links&fr=FP-tab-web-t&toggle=1&cop=&ei=UTF-8

I'm a little confused by this one. I see nothing wrong with trying to learn more about the theory of nudeism, but I really don't understand why he feels to specify that he's looking for links. I'm not sure if you've ever used Yahoo's search engine, but, even if you haven't, you should still be able to guess that it only gives you links, no matter what you type in. That's right, the results you get without typing in the word "links" are just as linky as the one's you get when you do. Oh shock! Oh awe!


Sat Nov 5 02:11:26 2005
c-24-19-238-93.hsd1.wa.comcast.net
24.19.238.93
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_09_12_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=teenage nudeists&ei=UTF-8&fr=FP-tab-web-t&fl=0&x=wrt

It is strange that philosophy has become so popular on the Interwebnation Superhighway. I really can't for the life of me see why teenagers with nudeist systems of justification would be any more interesting than adults with those beliefs, but I guess I'm just in touch with my fellow web surfers.


Fri Nov 11 00:25:41 2005
Netscape 5
pool-70-110-151-218.phil.east.verizon.net
70.110.151.218
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005_02_13_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=child nudist free pic&sm=Yahoo%21 Search&toggle=1&ei=UTF-8&fr=FP-t

I'll say this for our dear reader in Philadelphia: he doesn't beat around the bush. There's nothing subtle about this request, nor is there any room for misunderstanding. This man wants pics (pictures) of naked children. Specifically naked children who do not normally wear clothes. Nudists if you will. Just one letter away from nudeists makes all the difference. Strange that we haven't seen many of these requests before. One would think that the Internet's fascination with pornographic images of the underage that this sort of search would be a far more regular occurrence.


Fri Nov 11 10:06:57 2005
Farsi
80.191.230.88
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005_02_13_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=sex party picturs&fr=FP-tab-web-t&toggle=1&cop=&ei=UTF-8

Apparently there is a deep interest in sex parties in Iran, or at least Iranians seem to be interested in sex parties. At first one might be disgusted. I mean it's bad enough picturing a party full of Americans having sex together, but foreigners? That's enough to drive one's xenophobia into overdrive. I see it a different way though. I see this as one of the first signs of the success of the Bush doctrine. Our preemptive war in Iraq has spread our Western ideals throughout the Middle East. Something like this would never have happened before the invasion of Iraq. Our military presence has, in fact, brought good old all-American sexual kink to the Middle East. Sure they don't know how to spell "pictures" yet, but they're trying. Here's to the men and women serving in our armed forces overseas. Just look at what they've accomplished so far!


Fri Nov 11 16:19:04 2005
Portuguese (Portugal)
84.90.130.127
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://find-girls-for-sex-b.blogspot.com/

This somehow seems a fitting conclusion for today's Nudeist Colony. It should be noted that this blog most likely did not link to us. Instead our Portuguese reader most likely found his way to us via blogger's "Next Blog" button. What's interesting about this link is that there is in fact a blog named Find Girls for Sex. Or is there? Out of morbid curiosity I did indeed click the link and visit our blogspot brothers. Or tried to. As it turns there is, at this writing, nothing at that address. Something of a metaphor for life I think.


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
Friday, March 03, 2006
 
Cellars of IMDb: Willem Dafoe is Kind of Creepy but I'm Fond of Him Anyway
Posed

More than anyone featured in this series thus far, Willem Dafoe deserves the title of actor. None of our previous entries have had resumes anywhere near as storied. Dafoe has been in comedies, straightforward action flicks, character dramas, sweeping romances, and even animated films in English, French, and German. He's played a diverse array of characters, sweeping across the spectrum from supervillains, hoodlums, and evil masterminds to heroes of all stripes to unclassifiable supporting characters.

All these things are but supporting details. What really separates Willem Dafoe from his colleagues on Cellars of IMDb is the aspect of his career that isn't covered in exhaustive detail on IMDb. Willem Dafoe, unlike such notables as Dave Chappelle and Ethan Embry, is an accomplished stage actor. IMDb does have this to say:

Willem Dafoe is one of the founding members of The Wooster Group, the New York based experimental theatre collective. He has created and performed in the group's work since 1977, both in the U.S. and internationally.

The Wooster Group is still active today, and they perform their avant-garde works across the globe. Not limited to pure theater, they've done radio work, film, and video, but the Group is best known for its unclassifiable mixed media productions. The Group began its existence as "The Performance Group," started by Richard Schechner in the late sixties. As Schechner relinquished control of the Group it was renamed the Wooster Group, with Dafoe, Elizabeth LeCompte, Spalding Gray, and Ron Vawter, among others as founding members.

Before joining the Performance Group and meeting LeCompte, who would become the mother of his son Jack (now twenty-three), Dafoe was one of the earliest members of another experimental theater collective, Group X. Group X put put most of its emphasis on improvisation, and when Dafoe left he was replaced by Violent Femmes drummer Victor DeLorenzo.

Dafoe dropped out of the University of Wisconsin's drama program to join Group X. He grew up and attended high school in Appleton, Wisconsin, where he was the seventh of eight children. Willem is a corruption of "William" that was foisted on him by his schoolmates.

Seventh of eight children in Wisconsin? Sounds like the boy next door type, and Dafoe confirms, "if you lived next door to a mausoleum," at least in public opinion. He says that he doesn't get a lot of straightforward roles because he's known as "an eccentric actor in dark little films." It's not an entirely accurate characterization. Sometimes he's in dark big films.

When his film career began in 1979 no one could have predicted the were it's taken him. The beginning was inauspicious in the extreme. On the strength of his theatrical performances he was offered a tiny role in the 1980 film Heaven's Gate. He was fired, and his scenes were cut. Two years later he got his second chance: the lead in the unspectacular and unremembered biker flick The Loveless.

Dafoe played hoodlums and other various villainous ne'er-do-wells for the next years in a number of movies, none of which were particularly noteworthy. William Friedkin's To Live and Die in L.A. was something of an exception, I suppose. Not exactly a box office smash (it grossed about seventeen million dollars), it was his first chance to work with a world-class director and that exposure would be lead to his second such opportunity: Platoon, directed by then-unknown Oliver Stone.

Joyful

This was truly Dafoe's breakout role. Platoon grossed something on the order of twenty-three times its six million dollar budget and is still a highly-regarded classic, even in its elite company, holding its own against other revered Vietnam pictures like Full Metal Jacket and Apocalypse Now.

Almost messianic

Finally playing against type, Dafoe was nominated for an Academy Award for his performance as the almost messianic Seargent Elias Grodin. Two years later he played a similar character, this time leaving off the almost.

Messianic
The Last Temptation of Christ, directed by Martin Scorsese was, by all accounts, a bomb. Hugely controversial for its depiction of Jesus as more man and less God, it hurt the careers of everyone involved. As an interesting note, the subject matter is still hugely controversial, and it will be interesting to see what happens when the similarly-themed Da Vinci Code is released in cinemas.

Industrious

The role was an obvious flashpoint for controversy and Robert De Niro had already turned it down.* He is regarded as extremely picky about his roles, yet has never shied away from controversial ones. Dafoe took the role of Jesus because his focus has never been on success in the normal sense. Instead he looks for interesting and varied characters and great directors. After the Last Temptation debacle Dafoe worked with a number of universally-acclaimed directors on what were, for the most part, under-the-radar pictures. John Waters' Cry-Baby, David Lynch's Wild at Heart, Stone's Born on the Fourth of July, and Paul Schrader's Light Sleeper.

Dafoe did find time to make some more mainstream movies, like 1993's Body of Evidence. In said picture Dafoe had the obviously unenviable task of being seduced by Madonna and being forced to film a sex scene with her. The poor, poor man.

Dafoe never let himself get stuck in a single sort of role once he had established himself. He still often finds himself playing villains thanks to his truly distinctive face. Leonard Maltin's Movie Encyclopedia describes him as having a "seductive, serpentine smile," which seemed tailor-made for two-bit punks in his youth and criminal masterminds as he entered middle-age. Still Dafoe plays countless other characters, sometimes scene-stealing supporting characters in movies like Basquiat, sometimes sympathetic leads as in Tom & Viv, in which he played the poet T.S. Eliot.

Poetical

Today, readers will most likely identify Dafoe with one or more of three films:
The Boondock Saints, Spiderman, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. Of the three, the cult hit The Boondock Saints is the only one that is truly Dafoe's movie.

Exhausted

He has supporting roles in all three, but as the homophobic but gloriously flamboyantly homosexual Detective Paul Smecker he steals ever scene he's in, and even some he isn't. Responses to the movie itself are deeply divided, and the director's personality has ruined what looked like the possibility of a sequel, not to mention any chance of working in Hollywood again. Regardless, Dafoe's performance is golden. It's hammy as all get out, and you'll love every minute of it.

Dafoe's performance as Klaus in Wes Anderson's movie about (surprise, surprise) the search for a father figure is almost as entertaining, though nowhere near as robust.

Insecure

His performance in Spiderman is somewhat campy, but it's perfect for hollow comicbook supervillain. The Green Goblin has been Dafoe's only comic-inspired character to date, and the movie allowed him to show off his stuntwork. It really is him under that suit (except for the CGI segments).

Athletic

Recently Dafoe's been as busy as ever, working on Before It Had a Name, which he cowrote with his wife Giado Colagrande, who also costarred and directed, the ill-fated blockbuster xXx: State of the Union, and two other films released in 2005, as well as working with the Wooster Group. Dafoe says he does two-dimensional villains in big movies like xXx 2 and Spiderman and Speed 2: Cruise Control because they keep his name in circulation. Otherwise he can't get the interesting small movies made. He needs his name to mean something so his movies get produced and distributed. Plus he's always looking to try new things, be they filming on boats or fighting Spiderman with bombs and a glider.

This year he'll be appearing in Paul Weitz's American Dreamz,** Paris, je t'aime, and Spike Lee's Inside Man.



And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.



*Thank God. Can you really imagine Jesus Christ shouting, "You lookin' at me?" at a mirror?

**I had high hopes for this movie when I saw the cast and the premise. The more I hear, the more it looks like it's going to be a disappointment.


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