The Return of Patches, Lord of Leaves: Verily Thy Insidious Wait is Concluded
Welcome to part three of the Lemon Party Guide to Squirrels. Previous installments can be found here and here.

Stage 3: The Insidiousness

It is time. Finally. The wait was far greater than you had expected, but that was planned. You see, a secret this large cannot simply be told. It is the same principle that prevented Boromir from simply driving into Mordor.* The pain of anticipation only sweetens the day when one finally reaches that long anticipated moment. Today is that day; this moment is that moment. Your seemingly interminable wait is finally ended just at the moment you were ready to surrender hope. Or perhaps you already surrendered hope, and only now realization is dawning. Perhaps you are realizing that you are about to experience something of huge importance.

First I have one minor issue to clear up. In earlier entries in this series we discussed what was a real squirrel and what was merely a figment of overactive imaginations. This never came up:


The reasons I failed to mention the above pictured creature are twofold. Reason the first: the above image is not of a squirrel, but instead of a marsupial more closely related to the platypus than the true squirrel. Reason the second: I did not think of it in time. Now that we have adequately dealt with the subject of flying squirrels, we can move on to the insidiousness.

The Insidiousness

Take a look at the next image. Perhaps you've heard that "Hey fellers, get a load of this!" are commonly the last words of rednecks. Similarly this can be the last thing the unwary see before falling victim to the insidiousness.



Doesn't seem all that bad at first glance does it? Oh no, that squirrel is biting my shoe, I am so scared! Yes I freely admit that that is what seems to be going on in that image. The truth is that squirrel is in the process of climbing up the cameraman's leg. Upon achieving that goal we know that the squirrel rendered the cameraman unconscious. However we cannot know the exact mechanics the squirrel employed as the cameraman was obviously in position to snap us some photographs. What we do know is that the camera was found while the operator was not. What follows is a possible technique in use among the insidious squirrels.



This squirrel doesn't seem to have anything insidious in mind, does he? He looks like he's just gnawing away with not a care in the world, and that is exactly the impression the squirrels are trying to give. In actuality what you see is nothing more than a carefully maintained charade. However, this charade gives us evidence that squirrels are capable of using birdhouses** as missiles. The earlier picture, the image of a squirrel climbing up a man's leg certainly implies that the squirrel menace has a natural tool for easily rendering humans unconscious. Regardless, we know that a squirrel assault begins with but a single bushy-tailed beast.



That squirrel is more than enough to disable a single human, but researchers have posited that it takes a pack of squirrels to move the victim to a spot where the insidiousness can occur. Afterwards the squirrels imbibe the vanquished foe's spirits.



The following image is a fake.



As you can see, the image depicts a hunter who has apparently slain two insidious squirrels. There are no verified cases of squirrel slaying. Zero. Any qualified squirrel researcher can easily tell that the pictured creatures models, and not particularly artful ones at that. Furthermore, do you really expect a man who looks that imbecilic to be able to defeat the scourge of mankind? I think not.


So what should you have gained from today's discussion? First you should now have a rough understanding of the squirrels modus operandi when capturing humans for the perpetration of the insidiousness. Obviously no human has survived to give testimony as to the precise nature of the squirrels' methodology, but squirrel experts have been able to postulate a reasonable model from the available data. You should also understand that we have not reached the climax of our discussion of squirrels. In fact we have one more update left to go on this subject: the precise nature of the "insidiousness." You now know how the squirrels collect their victims, but I'm afraid you will simply have to wait until next week before you can know of what that insidiousness consists.


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

*Pop culture references are apparently a good thing, and that was a reference to both The Lord of the Rings and the Awful Forums.

**Also known simply as "hosues."
- posted by Odovaucer @ 11:52 AM