This Title Provided You by Satan. What's in Your Hard Drive?
If Lemon Party were a space ship, I would use its massive death "lasers" (Odovaucer added these quotation marks because he wishes to make some sort of cheap Austin Powers joke, for shame Ostrogoth, for shame - turtle_07) to destroy random sections of the populace (Author's Note: I'm not a terrorist; it would only be the middle eastern parts in the name of freedom). However, since we're not a space ship... (not even a space station) I guess that I'll just have to attack the populace with bitter words instead of death rays. It's a let down yes, but it's also cheaper. Do you know much "laser" cells cost these days? I'll give you a hint, it's more than $5.

Since I'm not exactly sure how to tie that slightly incoherent paragraph into the next incoherent paragraph, so instead I'm going to use this sentence as a segue into the next one. It's a cheap trick I realize, but then you're also cheap readers.

Hooooo that was fun, but does this make any sense at all? I mean I'm writing, and I'm not exactly sure what's coming out, how it ties together, or why blood is spilling out of my ears. I write, and I don't have a purpose, no starting point, no ending point, it just all melds together into one soupy broth of pain. While I'll be the first to admit that I've written my best updates with no end or plot in mind, it can't work forever... just like it's not working here. But what's the point? Why are you here listening to my ramblings, as my brother and his friend in the next room watch the "Tokyo Breakfast" pilot. (A fine show, and unreasonably rejected, though it needs more racism in my opinion - Odovaucer) Surely there is still hope for a decent update; there is still a small spark of interest. And I continue, but as I have been implying through this entire paragraph: to what end?

Let this be a lesson to you kids, those three paragraphs probably cost us a couple of readers. A mediocre start with a confused middle and an introspective ending discussing not the update itself, but the author's inability to update. That's like if you opened the book to the last chapter and the author started talking about his doubts about the book (But it's your own damn fault, you fucking hippy, for skipping right to the end. What kind of person does that? A fagort. - Odovaucer) Yea, what the hell? "This is probably the worst update ever" you're thinking. And I won't disagree... well I actually I will, I look at horrible blogs all the time and I find horrible writing all the time. While this is slightly confusing, it has yet to cross the threshold of pure undiluted pain. And damn am I using large words in this update; I feel intelligence (Author's Note: I sure hope that irony isn't lost on you mongloid flesh-demon scum-biscuits).

At this point you should be wondering why I'm spending such a long time writing about writing. And so I'll tell you: better writing is part of Lemon Party's purpose, as the easiest way to tell if someone is of subpar intelligence on the Interwebnation Superhighway is to look at their writing. However, unlike in our optimistic youth we realize that the entire Interwebnation Superhighway is full of hopeless rejects, so we're not going to discriminate against them for things that they can't control. Microsoft Word does come with a spellchecker (but no idea checker); we expect you to use it. Please folks, before you publish your horrible rant about why the government is implanting chips in your girlfriend's mind to have her withhold sex from you, look for the obvious misspellings. If you're too stupid to do that, copy and paste your update into Microsoft word and then let the cold unfeeling compassion of your computer take over. If you're too poor to afford Microsoft Word (despite the fact that it comes with 99% of all computers that you could buy in a store) you can always use Open Office, which is like Microsoft word only free (and I'm going to assume worse). There, you no longer have a reason to be posting updates with spelling errars (unless humorous).

I don't expect 99% of you to have decent writing skills; hell I don't even expect for you to even spellcheck (it's how I've stayed sane), but the second that you label yourself a writer we have a problem. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you have absolutely no talent for writing and you should die, but before you try and claim that you're a writer please try and... well... not suck. Don't give me the "I don't need to use punctuation or capitalization because I'm like e e cummings" story, or don't think that your own personal style means that you can switch in and out of telling a story and then moving into some sort of poem. I realize that there are many more things that they could do to annoy us, but that's just the stuff that I saw in the aforementioned link.

I mean what the hell? Let's try and master conventional writing before we go off and claim that we're too good to do that unhip stuff. My English teacher once said something to that extent. He talked about how before you can make dramatic changes to your plays or stories or whatever you first had to understand how they worked, what worked, and why. L Ron Hubbard didn't just start Dianetics, it was built off of other crazy fringe psychotherapy treatments. These things work for a reason, and if you're posting your stories on your livejournal I highly doubt (although it is possible) that you understand the mechanics of story writing well enough to change it drastically. That and you're probably 13.

Everyone needs practice before they get good at something, and we realize that. And so does the rest of the world; I mean that's why you have blacksmiths and apprentice blacksmiths. Notice the A word in front of blacksmith? That means that it's like a blacksmith, only still learning. So before you label yourself as some sort of writer, try and be totally sure that your stories don't suck.

Easy? In case you have problems remembering the entire update, I'll make a short one sentence bolded portion that will basically summarize everything that I've said:

Thou Shalt Not Label Thyself a Writer Unless That Statement is True*


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.


*You're probably 13 or something, ask your English teacher how your stories are and what you can do to make them better. Writing, like all arts, is subjective. So obviously if I don't like it that doesn't necessarily mean that it sucks. However, if the only people praising your stories are your halfwit friends, and you're barely scraping by your Short Story class with a C+, then put down the pencil and pick up some god damned clues.


- posted by Andrew @ 10:16 PM