Gates of Doors
Tonight is the last night of Chanukah. Channukah, you see, is a Jewish festival lasting eight days. There's a story behind that, but it's not all that interesting a story. Actually it's a pretty good story, but it just doesn't matter tonight. You want the story, try Google. What I want to talk about is only tangentially related to Hanukkah. You see Hannuka is also known as the "Festival of Lights." The reason for this is, again, unimportant. The important thing is light.

Light, you see, is more than just illumination. Sure it's composed of particles called photons, yet has certain properties of waves; that's all true. Also, it's also true that also light is also a verb. Also. You see, it is possible to "light" things. This generally means to set said object on fire, you see. We may come back to that. MerriamWebster.com lists the secondary definition of "light" as "daylight." Unfortunately that is, you see, completely useless to us at this time. Also definitions three and four are also inapplicable at this time, you see. You see, the definitions that apply to today's discussion are five and eight. This is the last paragraph of today's update to include the word "also" or the phrase "you see."*

Both of those definitions deal with a light that has nothing ot do with visible illumination. They instead deal with the mind, with learning. This is where we get words like "enlightenment." I once heard the teacher compared to the lamp lighter. A teacher's job is to pass among the young and light in them the flame of intellectual curiosity. Not only to enlighten them now, but to teach them to seek out learning on their own.

I suppose there's some truth to that. Still, that's not quite the way I see my role here. Although I am here to enlighten you in the finer arts of blogging. I don't really think of it as encouragement though, or teaching you to seek out improvement on your own. I don't see myself lighting a fire inside so much as lighting you on fire. It's more along the lines of shock therapy. Maybe if I heap enough abuse on you you'll grudgingly start moving in the right direction. If I verbally abuse you enough you might even figure out what you're supposed to do and do it on your own. I doubt it though. I doubt you have the brainpower to grasp even the simplest of our commandments, but I try anyway. Partially because it's fun, partially because I feel I must make the effort. If you're not cleaning up the Internet it's your fault it's shitty. And believe me you make the Internet shitty. Very shitty indeed.

Enjoy your festival of lights. If you burn your hands off and never blog again, I will somewhat less than solicitous.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

*Yes that includes these footnotes as well.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 10:09 PM