You're so full of bull sam
So, here we are again. Or, there we were as some pessimistic people might say. To which I then say to them (after they've said what they just said): "Hey, stop being so pessimistic." Seriously, you need to really lighten up. In case you're stupid and you can't tell this update is going to be about pessimistic people and getting our loyal (yet still pessimistic and depressed readers) out of the proverbial gutters that are their minds.

So, you're depressed? If you weren't you wouldn't be drowning out your misery on the internet reading Lemon Party as we needlessly insult kind and caring individuals. That or you're just stupid. In the event of the latter there is nothing we can do to help you, in the event of the former however there are many ways to solve your crippling depression.

The first and easiest way deals with drugs, lots and lots of drugs. Forget trying to convince those whacko shrinks that you need them, they're just slaves to bureaucracy. You'll need the illegal stuff, the powerful illegal stuff. Also be sure to mix liberally with strong liquor. Nothing says "undo my crippling depression" more than some whiskey and cocaine. Plus you can mix them together, add some strawberries and voila, you got some girly drinks. Everyone likes girly drinks, especially depressed men.

But let's say that you don't like that option, "Andrew" you say "I don't like drugs, find me a better option." Ok then, we have just the option for you. This option involves making other people feel bad so that you feel good. I realize that it seems like a complicated concept, but just hear me out. Say for instance that you happen to have a very cheerful friend (we all know that you don't have any friends, just bear with us), say that they're all like "Sup d00d? I'm so bright and cheery!" then you'll need to be all like "OMG SHUT UP MY LIFE SUCKS!!" This'll silence them and get them to pity you. That or they'll begin to feel bad about feeling good when you were feeling bad, and as the old saying goes: misery loves company, you can both slit your wrists together. Huzzah!

The third and by far the most radical step to defeating your depression involves killing yourself. You were probably planning on doing that anyway, but instead of doing it BECAUSE your depressed, do it to rid yourself of depression. Dead people don't dream (at least we don't think they do), so you won't have to worry about the kids calling you stupid when you're locked in eternal sleep. That and your family (which you hate) will more than likely spend lots of money your funeral, costing them money, and all of your friends will come over and eat your family's food while offering their condolences and crying. If you were close to anyone they might even become depressed because of this, the cycle will continue and eventually the entire world will be gone except for myself and that cute girl whose name I don't know. I really wish that she would notice me.

If this were a nature show I would say something like "Now that depression has been fed, he'll sleep in his cave for another 10 years, only leaving if his natural habitat is invaded", but it's not a nature show, so I won't say that. At least not again... never again. Now if this wasn't a nature show, and instead some sort of crappy humor blog I would make some comment about your depression being solved. HUZZAH.

I'm going to end this entry with a semi-deep thought of the day that I just made up.

Thought of the Day: Never hold a porcupine to your face, its spikes might pierce your eyes.


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 5:44 PM