That's the way we get by
A long time ago I began updates with games, as I can't think of any better way to write this update I will start off with a game. This game involves a lot of knives and a puppy.

Step 1) Look at puppy
Step 2) Aim knives at your face
Step 3) Realize that it's a stupid game and put the knives down
Step 4) Be murdered by puppy who took a knife in his teeth when you put them down and stabbed you through the heart because you were a vampires and vampires are evil.
Step 6) Realize that you skipped step 5
Step 5) There is no step five, you're dead.

Surprisingly enough, this updated doesn't revolve around vampires. Vampires are like the coolest fantasy creature ever, probably because... did I say doesn't I meant that it does revolve around vampires. Sorry for the mix up. Anyway, as I was saying vampires are like really really cool. I mean you're like immortal, but unlike those totally uncool zombies (which are actually cooler than vampires, but only if you're fighting them) you keep your mind AND live forever; not to mention unholy strength, some sweet looking fangs so that you can bully people into doing your bidding, but you can also seduce members of the opposite sex. I mean what the hell is not to like about vampires? They're just cool.

In all of their infinite coolness though, vampires do have a few bad traits. The worst of them being the fact that they are mythical creatures. Don't get me wrong, I don't like being stalked by something with the strength of 10 men who can also meld into shadows and use mind powers to get my sweet sweet blood, but at least then the shitheads who go around claiming that they're vampires would be killed off by pissed off real vampires who don't want some shithead goths claiming that they're vampires and drinking cats blood. Take for instance this situation that I just made up:

"HALT TRESPASSER! I am Samuel, sired by Ezekial, what are you doing in my forest?"
"Uh.. I'm Jeff, I'm taking a walk cause it was a nice night"
"None who are not of the immortal damned may walk this path"
"I walk here once a week, what the hell is wrong with you?"
"I WILL DRINK YOUR BLOOD"

Looks pretty stupid and pointless, but what you didn't see (and what I probably should have written in so that those lines were justified was when Jeff grew giant bat wings and started beating the shit out of Samuel. Ok, shitty story. But seriously, I mean if you were Jewish or something and a bunch of shit headed kids started acting Jewish cause... I don't know, for whatever reason, would you want them being stupid and overdramatic about it? No!

People always take something cool and then fuck it up something terrible. And let's not forget when people take something not cool and then fuck it up even worse, man does that suck. People always can and always will take an idea, mutilate it, and then drive it so far into the ground that it grows roots and turns into a tree of pure awfulness. Let me illustrate my point. Say for a moment that it was cool and hip to play Magic Cards (it's not, but lets pretend that it is).

1) Magic Cards, they're fun and geeky. What the hell were you thinking?
2) Massive mainstream (more so than in their prime)
3) Thrazmakle lord of Phyrexia needs to summon a hoard of juggernauts to stop Urza!

See what I mean? Creepy kid Jason is no longer creepy kid Jason, cause he and his friends play magic cards and take on new personas to better fit their 'inner soul.' "I was a made up creature in a past life", sure you were Jason, sure you were.

Take me for instance, I have reason to believe that I am an incredibly morbid person. I become obsessed with quotes like "I am become death, the destroyer of worlds" and stories about Cthulhu. I have bizarre fascinations with the word Death and Thanatos (despite the fact that I fear the reaper), I even named my phone "Abandon Hope" after what was written on the gates of Hell (Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here). I don't however dress in all black, speak in riddles (I wish that I did though, maybe I should start, act depressed, curse life, call myself a dark angel. Notice how awesome I am, people should be more like me.

To end this thing I think that all I really need to say is:

Don't be like these shitheads


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 7:30 PM