Place your bets ladies and gentlement
While the battle for Who wants to be a Lemon Jockey may be winding down (it's still going on though, click the link, enter). The battle for our living room is just starting to heat up. The contenders? The Video Cassette Player, the DVD Player, the Cable Box, the Satellite Dish, and the Antenna.

You know the contenders; but do you really KNOW the contenders? I don't think so. Let's go over them so that you'll have an idea about the odds (I've also helpfully printed out the odds at the end of each bio).

The Antenna
He may be old, but he still packs quite a wallop. The Antenna is a favorite of those people who are either too cheap to buy satellite or cable or who are overwhelmed by the choices and fantastic programming that those services provide. You may not think that the Antenna has any real chance of winning, but I'll tell you this: no one ever complained about the rabbit ears on the television going out. It's a long-shot folks, but he just might pull through.
Signature quote: Fuzzy... JUST LIKE YOUR VISION'LL BE (after I hit you)!
Special attack: The ability to pick up Martian transmissions and convert them into laser-beams that can be shot out his eyes.
Odds: 4 to 1

The Video Cassete Player
Now this is the long-shot, folks. He doesn't have much going for him anymore besides maybe the cheapness of video cassettes these days and the fact that some movies just can't be found in DVD form. Maybe he isn't as good as the DVD player, but he is cheap. This dormant entertainment giant once ruled our living rooms. Now he can rule your cock for a low, low price after the show behind the dumpster.
Signature quote: I'll rewind you back to your momma's womb!
Special attack: Shooting video cassettes.
Odds: 10 to 1

The DVD Player
New and flawed technology no longer, the DVD player is here and is looking for trouble. Once he was overshadowed by the Video Cassette Player, but those days are long gone. With crystal clear picture and options out the wazoo he's here, and he wants blood. Its increasingly miniaturized form factor allows you to keep more than ever in smaller and smaller spaces. Especially important considering your ever-growing collection of four DVD collector sets of your favorite shows. Don't let his petite size fool you though, this baby can cook.
Signature quote: Here's a fun special feature... I BREAK YOUR FACE!
Special attack: The secret hidden teleportation option that can be found in the scene selection menu.
Odds: 2 to 1

The Satellite Dish
Want truly digital picture and channels that go up into the hundreds? Satellite is your boy. He also has add-on features that can turn a simple satellite dish into a complex satellite dish that looks the same as a normal dish. Did I mention sports packages? This guy has been watching football 24/7, and he is ready to tackle his opposition.
Signature quote: Order now and we'll even add in the "Re-arrange your organs" package for FREE!
Special attack: With every television satellite at his command he has ultimate knowledge, if you were ever on TV he knows you and he knows how to bring on the hurt.
Odds: 3 to 2

The Cable Box
Aww yeah, the current living room champion, this bad boy has wormed his way into every facet of life. In fact, if ever someone were to mention not having a channel the first question that comes up is: "What? Don't you have cable?" Lack of outside dishes that can be attacked by wolves makes the cable box the favorite in this fight.
Signature quote: Satellite is for faggots... you're not a faggot are you?
Special attack: Calling you a faggot.
Odds: 5 to 4


Let's get ready to rumble.


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 6:05 PM