CAN I GET AN AMEN!?
Alright, here's the breakdown. There are over ten million vampires living among us and the only thing keeping you from dying and becoming number ten million and one is quality merchandise. That's where we come in.

Vampires are among us and have been among us for as long as any of us (us being the people who help defend the world from vampires) can remember. Our documents date back as far as when Lincoln was killed by a vampire for attempting to impose a blood tax. Later on the vampire media covered it up and blamed John Wilkes Booth. Why am I telling you this? There is a very good chance that when the vampires catch wind (and they will) they very well might send assassins after you or try and besmirch your good name with false lies (also known as truths). They'll dig up so much dirt on you you'll wish that you had a shovel. That's where we come in.

We also sell shovels (and shovels covered with spikes in case a vampire attacks you). With these babies you can never get caught in a landslide of dirt, it's impossible. Don't believe me? Here's a very real and not made up script of what happened when the vampires tried to besmirch one of our customers:

Vampire (on the television): And it is also known that John Carmack HAS SEX WITH GOATS!
John Carmack: (beheads vampire with the shovel) Stay in school kids.

Do you see what' I'm saying? Although it should be known that once they discover that along with imposing blood taxes you're also beheading them they may try and kill you. That's where we come in.

We also sell 'fake' blood. Fake in the fact that it's actually liquified garlic. You can use are patented neckpack(TM) and when the vampires try and take one bite out of you they'll turn to dust, easy huh? Hunting vampires has never been so simple or affordable; if you'd like to look at our pricing plans you can email me and we'll talk business.

God bless.


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 10:08 PM