Dare to Be Stupid (Don't Actually)
Today I'm going to discuss something called a metaphor, a band named Slipknot, and the origin of the expression "a stitch in time saves nine," among other things. We will also make mention of the word "simile," but only to differentiate it from "metaphor."

It is quite possible that you've heard the word "metaphor" or the word "simile" before. You may even know what one or both of them mean. Don't worry if you aren't familiar with them though, you've used similes countless times whether you knew it or not. You see it's kind of like using a gerund in that you don't need to understand it conceptually to use it competently. The previous sentence contained both a gerund and a simile, and your ability to follow it was not in any way impeded by your inability to identify the gerund or the simile. It did not, however include any metaphors.

Now that we've established that much let us pay a visit to our dear friend, myepitaph over at deadjournal.com* Italics mine.

but now im exhausted. i feel like i am a mummy, and i should be lying inside my coffin for the next 3 lifetimes, waiting for someone to crack me open. and when they do, it would give me one clean breath of air in a thousand years, and that one breath is almost enough to breath new life into a melted and forgotten body, slowly decayed over the years.

one thing about being a mummy, youll never be grumpy when someone pulls the blinds on you, but youll still look like complete shit in the morning.

Notice the italicized clause, which just happens to be simile in action.** myepitaph is not trying to claim that he is mummy, he is merely drawing attention to what he sees as the as the similarities between himself and a mummy. There's only one problem.

Okay that was a blatant lie. There are many problems with this passage, most obviously the complete dearth of capitalization. More important is an extremely subtle error, and by subtle I mean that he has no fucking clue what a mummy is. Seriously. He's waiting for someone to crack him open? Yeah, that makes a whole fucking lot of sense, doesn't it? Oh and one breath of air is "almost enough to breath new life into a melted and forgotten body?" That's just pathetic. Awful writing coupled with awful science yields awful bullshit. At least his final thought is deeply meaningful and clearly written. Oh wait. It's just as stupid and pointless as the rest of his idiotic self-indulgence. My bad.

Reading further into myepitaph's archives we see that about half of his posts have been complete song lyrics and insipid Quizilla quizzes. How surprising that he would split his time among three utterly pointless pursuits. It would seem that he is, in fact, an Internet moron. On deadjournal. My jaw simply will not return from its resting place on the floor.

Back to our words, though. Please, please, please, do not confuse the mummy simile with a metaphor. If you see the word like or the word as you do not have a metaphor on your hands. The distinction is an incredibly simple one, but people will time and again fail to make it. A metaphor is one word used in place of another to imply a likeness or analogy between them or simply a symbol of something else. The metaphor is the more difficult figure of speech to use as it is noticeably more subtle. No overt connection is made, the point is never spelled out. This is probably why very few people can understand the concept of the metaphor; most of you need someone to explain everything to in single syllable words. To think, you are the future. I weep for the Earth.



And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

*There are five instances of the extended middle finger in his buddy icon if you were curious. That's a gesture, known as digitus impudicus, that once signified the gesturer's distaste for his or her target. However the gesture has developed a self-referential meaning in recent years. It now signifies that the gesturer is of below average intelligence and is trying desperately to appear rebelliously hip and stylishly rebellious. The pulchritudinous fellow pictured is the lead singer of wildly unpopular band Slipknot. He wears a mask to hide the vagina where his nose ought to have been. That's the danger of nailing your sister: not only will your kid have a vagina for a nose, but he'll also helm form and loudly and aggressively atrocious musical act.

**What a lucky accident!
- posted by Odovaucer @ 11:59 PM