Gather 'round the fire children
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Why is tonight different from all other nights? On all other nights we log onto the Interwebnation Superhighway and read Lemon Party, but tonight we dress up in strange costumes and knock on people's doors demanding candy or party hearty in our peculiar outfits.

The answer, my child, is that tonight is Halloween. Halloween, that pagan festival that corrupts our children's minds with pagan imagery and corrupts their bodies with disgusting sugary confections. Ah yes, Halloween.

It wasn't always like this though. No, no, Halloween was once a bittersweet emotional day, not the saccharine sweet perversion we endure today. You see, the name "Halloween" is a corruption of "Hollow In," which in turn was a truncation of "Hollow Inside." Many years ago Hollow Inside, the annual festival of the jelly donuts, happened every October thirty-first. Hollow Inside was an acknowledgement of the bleakness of man's life. Occurring just at the onset of winter, the darkest and dreariest time of the year Hollow Inside was an explicit reference to the emptiness of our existences. Without purpose man was truly hollow inside.

Why then the costumes and the jelly donuts if it was such a bleak holiday? Well Hollow Inside was both an acknowledgement of that emptiness and also a chance to begin to remedy that predicament. Everyone in town would assume the identity that he or she thought might be a role that could bring meaning into his or her life. It was a chance to experiment, a rebirth into a new caste, a new life. Jelly donuts came to symbolize this duality. Traditional donuts are, of course, completely empty on the inside. They are without center, without core, without anchoring to this mortal coil. They are symbols of our lives, they are symbolic of unenlightened man. The jelly donut is the subversion of this paradigm. Where once there was but emptiness now there is sweet fruit filling. Gay colors swirl out of the region once nothing more than a great void.

Not everyone found happiness on the fest of Hollow Inside, but there was always next year to try again. Over time the festival lost its significance in the eyes of the people, and the traditional foods and costumes lost out to modern replacements. Now we ate highly processed candies and dress in ludicrous and fanciful costumes, representing things we would never hope to be. Halloween is an empty mockery of Hollow Inside, and, to add insult to injury, what was celebration of hard-working Christians has become associated with paganism and witchcraft.

And that is the story of Halloween, my child. So if you go out trick or treating on this Halloween or a future October thirty-first, remember that the creepy guy down the street who always offers you homemade jelly donuts isn't a convicted child molester; he's just a man who understands the true meaning of Halloween.



And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 12:26 PM