The Holy Trinity
Today we'll be looking at blogs. You do remember blogs, right? We'll briefly examine three weblogs on three different sites.



First off we have the aptly titled Heratarded.blogspot.com. That is to say her name is Hera and she is retarded. She's also 20 (or at least whenever she wrote that part. The thing is over a year old, so who knows). She's a Christian. She's a singer. She's a fourth year architecture student, and -get this- she's "crazy with a capital C." Isn't that just precious? No, that's no typo, she didn't capitalize the "c" in crazy. I'm sure it was ironic comment on today's pharmaceutical-obsessed culture.

No I'm not. I think she's retarded. Not that there's anything wrong with being retarded, mind you. It's a perfectly valid lifestyle choice. As an exercise in self-loathing I am going to analyze her most recent post and discuss its most glaring flaws. I will do so as if I were directly addressing her because it's more abrasive that way.

1. You fails to capitalize the first words of sentences or the word "I." You do, however, capitalize most proper nouns. Try consistency.

2. I'm sorry, but I refuse to believe that you created your nieces and younger cousins, therefore I cannot accept that you were their creator.

3. I'm sorry, but I refuse to believe that you taught your nieces and younger cousins how to live with their mutant powers. In fact I find it highly unlikely that they even have mutant powers. Therefore I cannot accept that you were their "Professor X."

4. You didn't fit in with the kids your age so tagged along with older kids. No one else has ever felt superior to her peers. No one. I especially like how you talk about "belonging" to the teens at age eleven and subsequently to the adults at age seventeen. In attempting to make yourself look cool and mature you come as a pet and a plaything.

5. That's creepy.

6. That's really creepy. You then discuss being "courted" by various much older men. No else has ever been hit on by an older guy. Younger girls are certainly not easier, and even if they were no one would be so crass as to take advantage of them.

7. God did work in the latter part of your high school life. God expends exactly the same amount of work at all times. No matter what sort of religion you follow, a directly intervening God is paradoxical and implausible.

8. I have no idea what "FAITHFACTOR" is. I really don't want to, because I'm pretty sure it has something to do with your religion, which I hear may be some sect of Christianity. Just capitalize respectfully.

9. Don't use all eight of your exclamation points in the last two paragraphs.

10. Don't switch into shorthand after an ellipses. If that part was written separately it should be a separate entry. If it was altogether it should have a transition and be written in the same style as the first section.

None of those are really shocking or nonsensical complaints. They're all hopefully the things you were thinking when you read the thing. Of you read thing. I guess there wasn't any reason to; I tend to do that part for you. Do you read the linked pages? Answer in the comments, I guess. Or don't. I've had plenty of time to learn not expect much reaction. It's alright though, I seem to write these things regardless of outside stimulus or lack thereof.

We'll table the lachrymose rambling for a fortnight or so. For now, let's move on to door number two, also known as Livejournal.com/users/sasabear. Apparently the blog is named after a children's book and a Hammer film or a Jesse McCartney song and a Blues Traveler album. My guess is the latter. [redacted], who lists her name, birthdate, and location prominently in her blog's right column, confides in us, her friends, the travails of her day. Let's look closely now. Oh my, this post is flawed! Please, allow me to chide you on your shortcomings.

1. How does one forget grammar in a year? It is the framework, the very backbone of both written and spoken English. A school-based paper is not the only reason to use appropriate grammar. You should, in fact, almost always use proper grammar, or at least a fair approximation thereof so people like me can't make fun of you publicly like this.

2. Please, please, please be consistent with your punctuation, and limit yourself when it comes to exclamation marks. After a certain point they lose a great deal of their potency. Ten per post is well past that limit.

3. I really doubt that anyone in the world needed to know that you put gas in your car. I mean really. I think that's really something of a no-brainer. I have used the word "really" in every sentence of this paragraph. Really.

4. Queen is band. That's a group of people who perform music together. A band cannot be gay. Not even the band the Village People is gay. The Village People is not sexually attracted to other bands, even though ever member of the band was homosexual. Queen, on the other hand, was composed primarily of heterosexuals. Of the four members only Freddie Mercury showed any interest in same-sex relations, and he was technically bisexual, and of course he is very dead today, so any reference to the poor fellow should be in the past tense.

Long story short: Queen is not gay, and [redacted] is dumb, but apparently not as ignorant as her peers. Chilling thought, that. Now for number three, Xanga.com/Edward_Raff. Edward Raff is, one would think, writing in style one might consider tongue in cheek. This however is an incorrect assumption. The task before me is a monumental one, so I have wisely opted to allow you to come to your own conclusions as to what is wrong with the post I have reproduced, in its entirety, below. I feel dirty reading it, and I fear I have corrupted my beloved Lemon Party simply by posting such filth here. Alas the deed is done.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Why do poeple think they are better then me beacue they no one thing that i dont? I dont know hebrew, and the Jewishreligon that well. I cant argue about hebrew, becaue it is memorizing, but in jewish calsses, just becasue i KNOW how to ask a question, from a religously unbiost veiw, dosnt mean im stupid, it means i have a broder range of thought than you. Just becaue i dont acept things because the torah says so, dosent mean im ignorant; it means i question and search for the truth.

I have grown up learning how to think, not to know. By thinking i discover, and thus know more. By knowing more, my mind becomes clear on more things, and i can make decision that are right the first time. I dont need to sue a pencile in math, i know im right, i almost always am. I need a pencil in the subjects that i LEARN. I dont need your second rate colledge diploma to prove my intelect, ill prove you wrong twice over and show you every logical way to do it right. I wish people, could just learn that i, am , not normal. Dont think of me as on of your statistic teenagers, im above that. im not on ur damned line charts, and pie graphs. Dont treat me like abother pice of dehrdrated meat on an production line. I need something diffrent, something more....


Feel free to discuss via comments. Or commit suicide. Via comments.


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 11:48 PM