VD Doesn't Have to Be a Social Disease
Today was Valentine’s Day.* Now let’s assume for the moment that you have a lover this fine Valentine’s Day. Whatever are you going to do for your lover? Buy roses and chocolate? Sexy underwear? A teddy bear? Maybe even something a little more personal?

Seems a little farfetched, doesn’t it? Lemon Party readers with girlfriends? Yeah, right. And if you think that’s a tough one to buy, try wrapping your head around the idea of not only a female reader, but one socially well-adjusted enough to ensnare a boyfriend. If that’s not absurd enough for your tastes, how about homosexual readers in stable relationships?

So it seems I’ve misjudged my audience. None of you had romantic plans on Valentine’s Day, so why should I bother writing about it for you? My logic is that one day you may overcome your natural shortcomings and find yourself a woman who’ll love you who doesn’t answer to “Mom.”

Something tells me that’s a long way away, but you never know. Bitterly lonesome lifelong bachelor turtle_07 has, over the years, made more than a passing acquaintance with the opposite sex. Still, we’re going to work with baby steps for now. One day I’ll write you a comprehensive guide to getting emotionally involved, but for now we’re going to go with a simplified model, one fit for a Valentine’s Day update on the only worthwhile blog on the Interwebnation Superhighway.

Step 1: Make Internet Friends

Since you managed to find your way here you seem to have at least a rudimentary understanding of the Internet. With that newfound power you can find communities of likeminded people, no matter what that mind of yours is like. Fond of little boys? Try out NAMBLA.org. A college student? How about Facebook? A film snob might check out IMDb, a retarded chimpanzee might be entertained by Fark, a fan of RPGs or TCGs might want cruise by Wizards.com, and an overanalytical music listener might be at home at SongMeanings.net. Regardless of your particular niche or niches you’ll find people just like you, who are the easiest sort of folk to befriend.

Step 2: Make Real Friends

Of course everyone knows that Internet relationships are cold and pointless, so you’ll have to pick some friends “IRL” at some point if you ever want to integrate into that scary place where people comb their hair over their eyes or wear half a dozen Livestrong bracelets up their forearms. Don’t be put off by their peculiar fashion choices and disarming self-confidence: they’re no more intelligent or worthwhile than you. Don’t try to make friends with them though (unless you happen to be one of them). Your first real friends should be just like your first Internet friends. In fact they can sometimes be the same people. Of course, if you actually arrange a rendezvous with someone you met over the Internet I cannot be held responsible for any nonconsensual sexual acts that may ensue.

Step 3: Make Female Friends

Okay, so you’ve developed a cadre of likeminded individuals that you might call your friends. Now what? Well, you can sit at this step as long as you like, as you’ve know attained a status that allows you to venture out into the direct sunlight without the terrible shame of being alone. You’ve got your friends, your crew, your posse. They’ve got your back, and you’ve got theirs. The next step, my friend, is to expand your posse to include pussy. This is quite possibly the most difficult step since it’s almost impossible for your Internet friendships to be with girls. Sometimes this step can be achieved through the aid of females in your family or through a connection made in class or at work thanks to the increased self-confidence of having friends. These scenarios pale in comparison to a situation out of your control. Most of the time one’s first female friends are simply friends-of-friends or girlfriends-of-friends. Not everyone moves at the same pace, and not everyone starts at the same time, so eventually your circle of friends will expand to include someone whose circle had a chica or two. From here you expand slowly but surely. Most girls tend not to have many close female friends, because females are bitchy and jealous, but don’t worry; they all have networks.

Step 4: Start Dating and Hooking Up

Sometimes these newfangled “female friends” will take a liking to you, or be bullied or guilt-tripped into dating you, but don’t count on it. It does happen, but by and large the Ladder Theory is a depressingly accurate model for female behavior. Instead your most likely prey is, again, friends of friends. Especially popular are friends from out of town just staying for a week or a weekend. You, dear reader, are going to look much more attractive when she knows she won’t even have to see you again if she doesn’t want to. Stick to it though. There will be failures, but each success makes you more attractive in the eyes of her fellows (the jealous bitch thing again).

Step 5: Get a Girlfriend and Go Steady

Don’t call it going steady, or you won’t make it this far. If you have however resisted the temptation you’ll find yourself at your goal, the rarefied air of the “taken.” It ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. In fact it ends up sucking a hell of a lot more than you could ever have imagined a lot more often than you could have ever imagined. I would tell you not to let it dissuade you, but it probably should, and you won’t listen anyway. Burned once, you’ll go back for seconds and thirds and on and on until the buffet closes.


Wait a minute, you’ve got a girlfriend, and it’s Valentine’s Day! What are you going to do? Let me present you with one option, a twist on an old favorite that’s been sweeping the nation: cards. Plus, you don't even need to have a girlfriend for this one. You can send Valentine's Day cards to anyone you want.

Everybody looks down their noses at those sappy old Hallmark cards (well, obviously not everyone, since Hallmark’s still going strong), so why not subvert and detourn them? It’s witty, sensitive, and a chance to showcase your creativity. Or, if you don’t have any creativity to showcase you can head over to the Awful Forums and steal some art. Or, if you think you’re up to the task, you may want to head over just to see some examples to get the creative juices flowing. Your tools are simple: Adobe Photoshop or the equivalent, a modicum of comprehension of said image editing software, and Internet access. On the web you’ll probably have to search for base images, fonts, and Photoshop technique.

The cited threads take the cinema as their inspiration, and so shall we, at least for now. There are five styles of card that I want to discuss with you today.


One: The Textual Gag

Here we grab a quotation from your film of your choice and tack on a sappy romantic message. For example:

The benefit of this technique is that you have more flexibility in your image selection than other approaches. Pretty much any image of the character who provided the quotation will do, even if it’s not precisely the original context.


Two: The Trick Ending

A subset of the prior category, but should highlighted as a very specific approach. Here the quotation is presented virtually unchanged at the top of the image with a surprise conclusion hiding at the foot of the image.

One is great, but after the first the gimmick begins to wear thin. Use moderation.


Three: The Groan-Inducing Pun

This is again a subset of the first category, but deserves its own section. Take a word or phrase from the movie and pun on it to come up with a cheesy and saccharine-sweet (a rather peculiar culinary mixed metaphor) Valentine’s Day missive.

Traditionally one of the most rewarding cards, though also one of the most difficult to compose on short notice. Here the image generally needs to be more precise than in other textual gags, since the card is narrower in its focus.

Four: The Visual Gag

The opposite end of the spectrum from the textual gag, these are all about the image, while the text often has little or no bearing on the image’s original context. Indeed, that would be the source of the humor. It’s surprising how often a movie still gives completely the wrong impression when fitted to unexpected words.

Then again some images are pretty clearcut.


Five: Absurdist Humor

There’s a radio on my fingernail.

CAR!





And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.


*This update written while under the influence of bittersweet songs and memories.
- posted by Odovaucer @ 11:59 PM