Back alley reporting
April Fifteenth, aka the day after Valentine's day. Yesterday Odovaucer posted an eloquent (albeit incorrect) update on how to make Valentine's Day work for you. In this update I'm going to dispel some myths that he's made the mistake of spreading and explain to you exactly why Valentine's Day is the most worthless holiday in the history of worthless holidays (even more worthless than Boxing Day).

However before I begin I'd like to tell you a few things about myself. First off I'm not posting an angry hate-filled rant against females; I don't need a special excuse to do that. If I was doing that, this update would have started with "You know what sucks? Women." Secondly, this update has nothing to do with my lack of a girlfriend. In fact I broke up with my girlfriend once I discovered the truth (about Valentine's Day and the fact that the world is run by the Vaginocracy).

The truth you see, is a dark secret shrouded in mystery, a dark secret Hallmark doesn't want you to know about. Yes, everyone says Valentine's Day is a Hallmark holiday, but what does that really mean? I bet you the average Joe would tell you that it's a holiday made up to sell more Hallmark cards. Suffice to say the average Joe doesn't have a fabulously well-paying job writing for a free weblog. The real meaning of that saying can be dated as far back as 1912.

We all know that Joyce Hall founded Hallmark Cards, but what we don't know is that he was bitten by a vampire in 1912. Immortal and now fueled by blood rage Joyce Hall had only one source of sustenance: hobos. Convinced that there must be a better way he began to try and slowly pervert holidays to fit in with his more diabolic needs.

As he would find in the coming years however, many mainstream holidays had already been taken over by the far more powerful werewolves, ghosts, and tiny robotic men. Disheartened and depressed he went on a killing rampage, slaughtering more hobos than anyone had ever slaughtered before. The history books of course recorded this as an economic boom, "Unemployment goes down!" were the headlines of the time. Once Hall finally calmed down he discovered that the answer was staring him in the face.

His blood rage having taken him to a local library to feast on hobos, Hall now found himself in front of a book that might very well hold the key to his salvation (whatever salvation is available to vampires, that is): "The Life and Times of St. Valentine." Suddenly he had a plan. You see, at that time in history very few people attached any real significance to Valentine's Day. Tired of Schnapps-flavored blood and always having had a sweet tooth, Hall used the money he had accumulated from his current selection of cards ("Get well soon", "Happy Birthday", and "Sorry for sucking your blood") and poured it into the media slowly perverting the holiday.

Years later millions of brainwashed consumers buy cards extolling the virtues of love and candy, get a sugar high off of chalky faux-hearts, and then do it like rabbits. In their weakened state Hall and his vampire family slink into their homes and come out with what can only be described as "Vampire Candy". Well fed they return to their cavernous caverns to sleep for another year only to repeat the cycle again.

And that is why I do not support Valentine's Day or anything that has anything to do with it. And while you may laugh at this and call me a crazy cook, next time you wake up on February 15 with your loved one nowhere to be found, you should remember this: it's not her handwriting on that suicide note.


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 10:51 PM