Beep
It appears my fellow bloggers, that we are at an impasse. While my hate is pure, undulated, and terrible, it would appear that you are also full of rage. My hatred burns with that of a thousand suns, it exists only as a metaphysical concept because the laws of reality could not support the amount of hatred that I feel for blogging, for those sub-humans who feel the need to haunt my dreams with their shitty lives. Spreading to the entire internet the pathetic whiney angst that they feel every single day because a girl didn't smile at them or some bullshit. OH OH MY GOD MY LIFE IS OVER!! OH SNOSSOSOSOSOSOSOSO (I CAN'T SPELL I'M SO ANGRY!!!). But it would appear ladies and gentlemen, that I have been beaten. Truly today is a sad day for The Party.

I know that I say that every other day is a sad day for The Party, but today I actually mean it. Seriously folks, I'm like totally crying here. Well... not really. In fact I'm not even sure what the hell I'm doing or what I'm writing about. At the moment, my life revolves around one cosmic truth that if I should ever begin to doubt, reality would unravel. My life revolves around the fact that I have a half eaten chocolate cake downstairs, and that when I finish writing this I am going to go have a slice. Possibly before, as I tend to get bored and confused easily.

Before you try and condemn me for the life that I have chosen, please try and see my side of the story. My existence is not sorry or sad, in fact it is happy and on par with a religion. See people praying to God for things while they can't see him but believe that he exists because a book and their parents said so. They don't know if these being exists, and I don't know if that cake still exists. The last time they saw God was over 2 thousand years ago. The last time I saw the cake was probably about 2 hours ago. Unlike them however, I will (hopefully) gain absolution in the next hour, while they will wait their entire lives and never know until they're dead. I'd say that my life is better than theirs.

So for the sake of those people who I have convinced, I've convinced you. There's some half eaten foodstuff in another part of your house, condo, dorm, cave, or morgue that you wonder if it's still good or if it hasn't been eaten by your no good lazy room-mate/brother/half-brother/sister/half-sister/parent/step-parent/dog/cat/mongoose/professional bodybuilder and you're wondering how you (you) would get started? It's really quite simple, and much like those who believe in god, your life is based around a series of assumptions.

Assumption 1: The Foodstuff has yet to be eaten
This is kind of self explanatory, you can't base your life around something that doesn't exist, and you certainly can't base your life around a concrete truth. That's just stupid.

Assumption 2: The Foodstuff is still fresh and delicious
No one wants to eat something that doesn't taste good and/or is swarming with bacteria.

Assumption 3: I am bored of writing this update and I'm going to go eat some of that cake now
I bet it's still delicious. Oh man was that good, and it was flourless too, cause it's Passover. I mean it's like pure chocolate... man that was good.

Assumption 4: I've run out of assumptions to make
This pseudo-religion sucks.

That totally sucked, and now I feel that I've taken your souls and instead of giving you a fabulous wish that I perverted into something horrible, I just sorta stared at you and went:

"Yea, ok sure. By the way, do you have a pencil on you? I need to write something down."

I'm sorry.


And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 5:28 PM