You're living a lie
Are you ready to delve into the deep dark past? Ready to search into a past so dark that the even Lemon Party is scared to go. A past so horrible that something lays there, for eons waiting for people like ourselves to wake it from it's immortal slumber. Are you ready to discover the truth fellow bloggers? Are you ready for the inevitable? Yea, neither are we.

A better idea I think would be to look at a much happier place, a place that's well lit that also has proper ventilation. Yes we're going to go into a much gentler history. Don't be fooled though! This history is just as fearful and horrible as the other history, only it doesn't have a being of pure evil waiting for us behind a giant onyx door.

Of course, this history that I speak of is unknown to most. And for a reason it was kept that way, hidden from the public, back in the time when we had no readers. Yes, it was a hard time for Lemon Party. Little known fact, we begun on September eleventh 2001. Odovaucer was so shocked after that update that he didn't update for another 2 years. Yes, it was the best of times and it was the worst of times.

And so we are going to delve into that history, into the gooey past with it's center of liquid chocolate. Don't get me wrong the past was delicious, but it was always something that I wanted to forget, and had actually done a good job at until a few days ago. See, Odovaucer and I were having our usual discussions about this and that. If I recall the topic that night was how much better we were than dead Romanian children. I can't remember, I'm not a doctor. Anyway, so we were talking and suddenly Odovaucer says "I do say Andrew, you should bring back your old feature" now before I continue I would just like to let you all know that my face was frozen in a look of horror, so anytime that I responded it involved quite a lot of drooling. Anyway being the respectable chap that he is, I asked him why... I believe that my exact words were something to the extent of: "Query why?" Of course those weren't my exact words. As if they were my exact words I would have said that they were. Now, as I said before there was quite a lot of drooling, so before he continued Odovaucer cleaned up his coffee table. "Andrew" he said "Andrew, we need something new and exciting, your commandments just aren't working out anymore."

What followed next was a lot of screaming and a lot of bloodshed. In the end Odovaucer got to the knife before me and so I agreed to revive my old feature. Much like the insane raise the dead for their own nefarious purposes, I too will raise my old article from it's hiding place in the past.

Of course that causes me to wonder why I abandoned it in the first place. Whether I was insane, or I just wrote like shit back then is still update for debate, feel free to vote if you want to.

I still haven't revealed to you what the mystery feature is, and so I will unveil it... or actually I won't. And you can either guess as to what it was from what I'm writing or go through the archives. Assuming that you're stilling following this you're probably of reasonable intelligence so you will more than likely be able to guess what it is. So without further delay, let's jump right into the entry.

I will be teaching you boys and girls, how to make a drunk update. And pay attention to this one, as a good drunk update can make or break your blog. A good drunk update includes drunken ramblings and misspellings. Remember, when you're drunk your inhibitions are lowered and you suddenly become too good to check your own spelling. So hopefully in the end we're left with a hilariously hilarious update full of hilarity. Like this:

SO I Was taLking to Sarah. And she said that Seh gould never love me! AND I WAS LIK WHAT?!?! I LOVED U BABY!! I DOTN:! GET ALL THSI BULSHIT ABUTR RON! I CANTE FUKIN STAND WOMNAN!!

Of course your update will be better, as the best updates spring from human misery, human misery being hilarious. And in case it wasn't obvious, I am not miserable. Quite the opposite. Anywho, this is what your update should not look like:

Sooooo I'm, drunk again. I wish that sarha would stop beating around the bush. I can't stand this, I can't. I'm probably going to regrett writing this in the mornin but I really loved her. I don't get why she doesnt' love me. Man, it hink itks just the booze talkin but Im alone for the fisrt time in my life. I love you sarah... I lovve you.

See that's bad. Very very bad. Get it through your head that there is only one reason to be drunk: to amuse us with your shitty misspellings and irrational anger. We read the depressed laid back stuff all the time and frankly, we're sick of it. Give us something angrier and more fun, and not angry like: MY ART TEACHER WON'T GIVE ME AN A!! BLARG!!! angry, I mean like FUCKASD KINCUTN RACHEL!!! UKC FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! angry.

So, next time your drunk try and remember these simple tips. It'll lead to all of your readers being happier and probably humiliate you beyond any point where you might have still had dignity. In the end, we all win.



And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.
- posted by Andrew @ 9:53 PM